Jump to content

My fiance grabbed my throat


Suzuki550
 Share

Recommended Posts

Okay, so I will start from the begining. I flooded my motorcycle at a gas station and it wouldn't start. My fiance had to come help me then when I got home on it I didn't fully put down the kick stand and it fell on its side. I can't lift it up on my own. I'm petite. He picked it up and started yelling and ing. I ended up saying, " f you" which is not like me. He said, "Oh, F me?!" And he purposely put my bike on its side on the pavement again. I begged him to pick it back up. He refused. I regretfully put one hand on his chest and I didn't really push him but I could feel his weight pushing on my hand. I feel like a monster for this and immediately apologized. I was wrong for that. So, the argument went on for maybe two or three minutes. I kept begging him to pick it up all the sudden he yells, "don't walk behind me!" And grabbed my throat while yelling at me and while holding my throat backed me up against a wall maybe a step or two away. He did not choke me or anything. My neck was still sore the morning after but no bruises. He said, "put your hands on me and then walk behind me?!" Mind you this was not right when I touched him. This was two or three minutes later. I was shocked. I stopped sobbing and just stared at him with my hand on my own neck after he let go. He told me, "you're the girl who gets beaten and doesn't know why." (My past relationship was very abusive). Is this abuse? Did I egg it on or ask for it? Idek I'm so confused. Be honest even if it hurts my feelings please.

Edited by Suzuki550
Misspelling
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is an abusive situation. No one should grab you or hurt you in a relationship. I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship like that and I don't think it is safe to. Saying that you're someone who 'gets beat but doesn't know why' is awful too and emotionally abusive.

 

I am very sorry it happened. Has anything like this happened before with him?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You need to end it if it's violent. These days the police will arrest women as well as men and often "who started the physical part" is questioned.

 

Get to a therapist to deal with your last abusive situation and anger.

 

Stay way from violence and don't be violent.There's no right/wrong, who abused whom here. You pushed him and he grabbed you. Both are violence and assault.

 

 

Walk away when things get heated. Call a friend to help you if you're having problems and find a bike you can handle on your own.

 

I regretfully put one hand on his chest and I didn't really push him but I could feel his weight pushing on my hand.

 

And grabbed my throat while yelling at me and while holding my throat backed me up against a wall maybe a step or two away.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is absolutely abuse. I would leave TODAY.

 

I don't know what you meant, your your hand on his chest? Did you push him? Not that that mean I think he had the right to grab you by your throat and go to the extent of the words he did.

 

You should not be with a man that acts this way. However, you need to do some work yourself.

 

Saying **** you to your partner is not right. You can't be so harsh with each other and expect the relationship to be a loving, supportive one.

 

Once this poor treatment of each other starts, it is really hard to get back to normal. You both need to change and you probably can't while together.

 

I repeat my original statement - leave him today. A man might hit me, but only once. No apologies. Done.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please don't minimize what happened. Yes he did choke you and yes this is abuse and physical violence. No, you aren't responsible or caused his behavior. It doesn't matter if you were both yelling at each other or cussing at each other or that you said fck you - there is NO excuse for what he did.

 

Please do whatever you need to do to leave this today - call the abuse hotline, go to a shelter if you live with him, whatever you do, you need to leave now.

 

Overall, you were in an abusive relationship before and you literally picked out another violent abuser as a mate again. Please get counseling before you ever date or get involved with anyone ever again. You need a whole lot of help not only to deal with your past but to fix your picker. You've been attacked and choked and you are still not sure if this is abuse? Please please get help for yourself. You need to serious counseling to learn right from wrong and what is and isn't acceptable behavior.

 

I doubt this is the first time he was verbally raging at you, except this time he was comfortable getting physically violent as well. Walk away now.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Is this abuse? Did I egg it on or ask for it?

I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years and he has never laid a hand on me, choked me or grabbed my throat.

 

But the last guy I dated before him did. He ended up putting me in a hospital for a concussion.

 

This is not normal. Don’t put up and shut up. This relationship is over. You are in for trouble with this man. Don’t marry him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you both acted in an abusive way toward each other. I'm very sorry he choked you -how awful!! I think you should take space from each other and get back together only if there is a commitment to do anger management type couples therapy. And not live together during that time.

 

As an aside why do you own something you can't handle on your own in a basic way? Did he promise to help you with it as needed?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, it is abuse!

 

He said "you're the girl who gets beaten and doesn't know why.", that's terrible. It implies abuse is ok if you misbehave! And it is clearly not. Saying "f you" to your partner is not good, but it's not anywhere on the same level as grabbing you by the throat.

 

Get away from him, and please, stay away from abusive people.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I will clarify what people are asking about. I am still learning how to ride my motorcycle. I haven't had it long. He rides and said he would teach me and I paid for the bike, but he picked what size and everything for me to get based off of my weight and height that he assumed would work. I've gotten more petite since then. On a everyday basis I am able to handle it on my own. I accidentally didn't have the kick stand completely done when it first went on its side. This is the first time that's happened. I didn't get hurt or anything when it fell. As for it flooding, that can happen to any person with any expirience with bikes. It's a old bike. It happens. My boyfriend has been riding for ten years and he still at times floods his. As for me swearing at him, yes this isn't the first time he was hounding me. He was swearing and yelling at me, as I walked away to calm down he followed me. I usually am able to bite tongue, but it just slipped out as , "f you". Which is wrong, I admit. He on the weekly basis swears at me and calls me swear words. He has a temper, I have a learning disability so it frustrates him which causes him to get so mad most of the time. This is the first time we've ever gotten physical. No, I did not legitimately push him. I did put my hand on his chest (which I get was super wrong of me and I'm a monster for it). I've never done this before. He grabbed my throat later on in the fight, not as a reaction as to when I touched him. I am basically asking if me putting my hand on him is what caused him to do this and I guess if it excuses what he did to me. He hasn't touched me before in fights. He often will throw things near me, break things (usuallyy things), and will at times charge at me screaming walking fast, but doesn't touch me physically. We do not argue often. Usually he calls me the c word or stupid or says, "f you" and I walk away to calm down. This time he followed me as I was trying to calm down. Usually he just says, "yeah, walk away and cry your life away.". Just clarifying.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I will clarify what people are asking about. I am still learning how to ride my motorcycle. I haven't had it long. He rides and said he would teach me and I paid for the bike, but he picked what size and everything for me to get based off of my weight and height that he assumed would work. I've gotten more petite since then. On a everyday basis I am able to handle it on my own. I accidentally didn't have the kick stand completely done when it first went on its side. This is the first time that's happened. I didn't get hurt or anything when it fell. As for it flooding, that can happen to any person with any expirience with bikes. It's a old bike. It happens. My boyfriend has been riding for ten years and he still at times floods his. As for me swearing at him, yes this isn't the first time he was hounding me. He was swearing and yelling at me, as I walked away to calm down he followed me. I usually am able to bite tongue, but it just slipped out as , "f you". Which is wrong, I admit. He on the weekly basis swears at me and calls me swear words. He has a temper, I have a learning disability so it frustrates him which causes him to get so mad most of the time. This is the first time we've ever gotten physical. No, I did not legitimately push him. I did put my hand on his chest (which I get was super wrong of me and I'm a monster for it). I've never done this before. He grabbed my throat later on in the fight, not as a reaction as to when I touched him. I am basically asking if me putting my hand on him is what caused him to do this and I guess if it excuses what he did to me. He hasn't touched me before in fights. He often will throw things near me, break things (usuallyy things), and will at times charge at me screaming walking fast, but doesn't touch me physically. We do not argue often. Usually he calls me the c word or stupid or says, "f you" and I walk away to calm down. This time he followed me as I was trying to calm down. Usually he just says, "yeah, walk away and cry your life away.". Just clarifying.

 

This is awful. Please don't marry this guy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

NO, you didn't cause his violence. OP - this relationship, this man from what you are describing has always been abusive to you. What you are describing as "having a temper" is actually abuse. What happened here is what is very typical - a progression from verbal abuse to physical violence. You did NOT cause that.

 

Also, putting your hand on his chest is not any kind of terrible wrong or anything else such. Under the circumstances, telling him "fck you" was also a reasonable response in the face of the provocation and his behavior toward you. Please don't get into self blame or try to convince yourself that you are somehow responsible or caused his behavior. You did NOT. This is typical victim thinking - if only I didn't say this or did that, he wouldn't have exploded and beaten me.

 

I will repeat - this man is a violent abuser who physically attacked you and this is going to get worse from here. Once that line is crossed, it always gets worse. Please leave him right now. Today. Just do it. Do NOT blame yourself. You did NOT cause him to act attack you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, it's abusive.

My mom drilled into my head from an early age that if a person even lifts a hand with the threat of hitting you, game over and you walk away. Swearing at you, intimidating you, putting you down, throwing things... It's all abusive and you walk away forever because that's not how you deserve to be treated.

 

I think the best thing you could do is get some therapy to deal with this current situation for yourself. It's game over.

You were already vulnerable to abuse due to your previous abuse. You've normalized it to a degree. You need some help with that so you don't end up with another guy like this. You deserve better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No. He is 100% responsible for his actions and anger. You need to leave. It's that's simple. Stop trying to figure out who deserved what. Just get out. He's abusive, and you know it, so just leave.

 

Don't spend your life rolling from one abusive relationship to the next with a lot of damages.

I am basically asking if me putting my hand on him is what caused him to do this and I guess if it excuses what he did to me.
Edited by Wiseman2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cancel the wedding. He is the wife beater type.

 

Yes, this is abuse.

 

You didn't ask for anything. Any man who puts his hand on a woman is a coward. Why? Because he's obviously stronger than a woman, physically, bigger, taller, more physically powerful, etc. You are petite and he's taking advantage by controlling you physically. This is mental and physical abuse. I know because my late father punched my mother's teeth out. :upset: Note these types of violent men do not strike a man his own size or a man bigger and taller than he is. That is cowardly; to put their hands on a woman who is obviously physically weaker and at a disadvantage. (Of course, either way is wrong; resorting to violence regardless of gender but I'm referring to men physically abusing women here in this thread.)

 

You deserve to be treated with respect and love. Repeat this mantra in your brain in order to increase your self esteem and self confidence. Never settle for losers in your life. It's better to be alone and safe than be with a man who treats you miserably.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The man is abusive to you. And gave you a bike too much for you to handle. Not only that, he is so possessive about the bike (and you) that he thinks it ok to punish you about the bike.

 

Walk away from both the bike and him. They are not suited to you.

 

BTW, the guilt you felt for touching him in anger is a correct response. However, his violence towards you for hardly anything is over the top and criminal. He DID choke you if you are sore the next day.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You need to dump him! Not tomorrow, right now! I’m not overreacting by saying this just like you’re not overreacting by feeling the way you do or acting the way you did. I can usually see two sides to the story but with this it’s his fault!

 

Nobody should ever cause harm to someone else in any capacity when angry. Whether it be with harmful words or violence.

 

Please leave and seek out help leaving him.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know what? your fiance is right "you ARE the girl who gets beaten and doesn't know why."

And you will keep on being that woman who get cursed at, yelled at, grabbed by the throat and much more if you do not learn how to answer properly that question.

 

You got abused because you are with an abuser. As simple as that. It's like a soldier being surprised to receive a bullet while on war. It comes with the territory.

 

"is it abuse?" You Know it is. You are asking us because you do not trust yourself. You also got used to be abused and somewhat think you don't deserve better. The latter is the reason why you stay with him.

 

He grabbed your throat and your first reaction was to look for the guilt within yourself : "I told him f you, I toutched him etc". You have to completly change that helpless victim mindset. You have to see yourself as a grown, smart woman who is in charge of your safety and well being. So if a man scares you, belittles you, it doesn't matter the reason. The situation is dangerous. This guy, for what ever reason, cannot handle his anger, has a need to control and is bad for your safety. No need to analyse the situation more. You just get out of there. He has shown you that he is weak.

 

This guy have repeatedly disrespected you over the course of your relationship yet you got engaged to him. Do you see the problem here? You are making bad decisions for your happiness and safety.

 

Why do you stay? This is the crucial question you need to ask yourself. That's the real issue here and we are here for you if you want to discuss it.

 

You are staying because there is something good you get from that relation. Could be emotional dependency, could be fear of being alone, low self esteem, the need to be loved by him at any cost etc. The point is, no reason is good enough to put your safety in the hand of someone else. How is your social life? do you have good friends you can rely on? How's your relationship with your parents? can you sustain yourself finacially?

 

He's not gonna change. But you can. Tell us why you want to stay and we can go from there. I would also strongly suggest therapy because you really need to learn to love yourself. You need to learn that you deserve peace and happiness in your life...

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know what? your fiance is right "you ARE the girl who gets beaten and doesn't know why."

And you will keep on being that woman who get cursed at, yelled at, grabbed by the throat and much more if you do not learn how to answer properly that question.

 

You got abused because you are with an abuser. As simple as that. It's like a soldier being surprised to receive a bullet while on war. It comes with the territory.

 

"is it abuse?" You Know it is. You are asking us because you do not trust yourself. You also got used to be abused and somewhat think you don't deserve better. The latter is the reason why you stay with him.

 

He grabbed your throat and your first reaction was to look for the guilt within yourself : "I told him f you, I toutched him etc". You have to completly change that helpless victim mindset. You have to see yourself as a grown, smart woman who is in charge of your safety and well being. So if a man scares you, belittles you, it doesn't matter the reason. The situation is dangerous. This guy, for what ever reason, cannot handle his anger, has a need to control and is bad for your safety. No need to analyse the situation more. You just get out of there. He has shown you that he is weak.

 

This guy have repeatedly disrespected you over the course of your relationship yet you got engaged to him. Do you see the problem here? You are making bad decisions for your happiness and safety.

 

Why do you stay? This is the crucial question you need to ask yourself. That's the real issue here and we are here for you if you want to discuss it.

 

You are staying because there is something good you get from that relation. Could be emotional dependency, could be fear of being alone, low self esteem, the need to be loved by him at any cost etc. The point is, no reason is good enough to put your safety in the hand of someone else. How is your social life? do you have good friends you can rely on? How's your relationship with your parents? can you sustain yourself finacially?

 

He's not gonna change. But you can. Tell us why you want to stay and we can go from there. I would also strongly suggest therapy because you really need to learn to love yourself. You need to learn that you deserve peace and happiness in your life...

 

I do not know. I am in counseling and it's what my therapist has been trying to figure out with me. I always had healthy relationships up until my last boyfriend. Idk. I guess I felt it was my fault that with this guy I put my hand on him first. He breaks my things and screams at me and belittles me. He makes me feel guilty for being a working woman and though I am a small 22 yr old girl he often comments about my weight. He gives me dirty looks if I am eating something unhealthy and makes comments or if I eat too much he will disgusteding say, "did you eat enough?" Or tell me I've gotten bigger. I have left him in the past. He usually responds with violence not towards me but towards objects and will tell me, "go back to your ex who beat you. He's a better man than I obviously." I have no interest in my ex. I had a restraining order and moved away and cut all contact with him so idk why he says that tbh. My counselor is aware of his behavior and that's been are main thing to work on. I guess I just always thought that either I caused his erratic behavior or that e was just blunt or sometimes I'd think, "He doesn't hit or cheat on me so it isn't that bad as long as I walk on egg shells with him." When I would try to gain back power example when he made me delete my social media or take off my phone password when he yet still has a password or when he wouldn't let me sign my name on the land we bought together he told me I was being petty or that it was obvious Facebook was more important to me than he was. Then tbh I believed him. So, idk why I stay. Sorry for the long response.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Why You Should NEVER Chase Your Ex
      You should NEVER chase your ex, no matter what... even if you want to get back together. In this video, I’ll explain what exactly I mean by that… and why it’s so important if you want your ex back. Here's the simple truth: if you DO want to give yourself the best possible chance of starting over with your ex, you simply CANNOT let yourself start chasing them… it just doesn’t work, even though it’s the natural human reaction to a breakup and often feels like the right way to get them back. Even if you DON'T want your ex back, you still shouldn't let yourself chase after them. Watch the full video to find out why...

       
      • 0 replies
    • How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩
      How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩... In this dating advice video, I will explain to you how to know she’s the one and give you five signs she’s the one as well as give you one red flag that you need to look out for. You may want to know whether she’s the one on first dates, online dating, or somewhere in the dating process. Take heed to these dating tips and be sure to watch the entire video.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Odd Signs You're Seeking Approval from Others Outside of Yourself
      In this YouTube Video, Lisa A Romano discusses 5 signs that indicate you're still seeking approval from others outside of you. If you are codependent, and you struggle with self-love, you may not realize the signs you're seeking approval from others. Childhood trauma and emotional neglect lead to a sense of feeling unseen. If you feel unseen, you may seek approval in odd ways. It may not be obvious when you are looking for validation from others. In this video, Lisa A Romano breaks down these 5 signs, and what they mean; hypervigilance, neediness, low self-worth, never feeling fulfilled and what it means when you become a perpetual seeker.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 3 Simple Strategies To Ditch The Imposter Syndrome
      Have you ever felt like you're a fraud who doesn't belong? According to a recent article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science, seven in every ten people have or will experience impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. We couldn't see our tribe suffering from this anymore, so we brought in the person who'll help you ditch this feeling for good. In this video, peak performance expert Shadé Zahrai joins Vishen to discuss how to supercharge your life and improve your self-esteem by constructing your own reality, leveraging your self-awareness, and regaining control over your inner critic

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Things People Who’ve Been Mentally Abused Do
      Do you know how common mental abuse is? According to The National Center for Biotechnology Information, 80 percent of the population has experienced some form of abusive relationship and behavior. However, despite how frequent it is, emotional abuse is still hard to spot. Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse doesn’t leave any visible scars; instead, it affects someone’s behavior, mindset, and mentality. This means some people deny they’ve been mentally abused, and others may not even recognize the toxic behavior. So, whether you’re reading this to be able to recognize emotional abuse in others or recognize it in yourself, these a few things people who’ve been mentally abused do are sure to help you be more empathetic and kinder.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...