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Am I wrong for telling him?


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This somewhat goes with my last post on here. My husband’s best friend (who is married to my husband’s cousin whom we live on the farm with) was talking crap about my husband’s decision to buy property in the mountains. My husband is buying the property to put a cabin on so we can go on vacations and so he can hunt there. His friend was saying stuff like “that’s a big waste of money... it’s stupid to buy land there...that’s the worst place to vacation... etc”. So I told my husband about it. My husband is quite mad because, to his face, his best friend is acting like it’s a good idea and he wants to go stay there after the cabin is built... which tells me he is again just jealous. I’m getting so annoyed with my husband’s family being so negative every time we are doing something that we are excited about. But I do feel guilty for telling my husband what his best friend said but at the same time, I think he should know.

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Can I ask why you are not buying a home of your own? I don't understand a vacation home, when you don't have a home of your own? Why do you want to continue to live on this farm?

 

When the pandemic ends, I think you need to expand your friend group. You seem to associate with a lot of toxic people. Honestly, it should not surprise your husband, as the people you hang with, talk about everyone else. Don't ever think that you are the exception with these types of people.

 

The only thing that I don't get, is why you guys continue to have regular interaction with these folks. You have written multiple threads on this topic, but have made zero change. That is on you!

Edited by Hollyj
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Stay out of it. Why pass along the "negativity" and give it credence and fuel? Who cares what he thinks? Your husband knows who he is so why create an even more divisive environment by jumping into the litter box to talk more trash?

 

Stand up to the guy yourself. Tell him "well we're happy with it", then change the subject.

I told my husband about it. I’m getting so annoyed with my husband’s family being so negative every time we are doing something that we are excited about.
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Wiseman has a point, OP. You yourself stand up to the individual and tell him to mind his own business.

 

I understand the intended purchase is a holiday home, and that you already own your own home on a farm, and these other relatives reside on the land/farm?

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Can I ask why you are not buying a home of your own? I don't understand a vacation home, when you don't have a home of your own? Why do you want to continue to live on this farm?

 

When the pandemic ends, I think you need to expand your friend group. You seem to associate with a lot of toxic people. Honestly, it should not surprise your husband, as the people you hang with, talk about everyone else. Don't ever think that you are the exception with these types of people.

 

The only thing that I don't get, is why you guys continue to have regular interaction with these folks. You have written multiple threads on this topic, but have made zero change. That is on you!

 

Oh, we are building a new home right now (but on the farm of course, because that’s how my husband makes a living). We do have a home lol.

And yes, you are right. It’s hard not to be around them though.

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Wiseman has a point, OP. You yourself stand up to the individual and tell him to mind his own business.

 

I understand the intended purchase is a holiday home, and that you already own your own home on a farm, and these other relatives reside on the land/farm?

 

Yes! That’s correct.

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Stay out of it. Why pass along the "negativity" and give it credence and fuel? Who cares what he thinks? Your husband knows who he is so why create an even more divisive environment by jumping into the litter box to talk more trash?

 

Stand up to the guy yourself. Tell him "well we're happy with it", then change the subject.

 

You are right. After I told him I felt really bad and like I was contributing to the problem by keeping it going.

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Oh, we are building a new home right now (but on the farm of course, because that’s how my husband makes a living). We do have a home lol.

And yes, you are right. It’s hard not to be around them though.

 

Why do you have to live on the farm? You could live several miles away. I don't get it.

 

Why does everyone live on this farm?

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Why do you have to live on the farm? You could live several miles away. I don't get it.

 

Why does everyone live on this farm?

 

It’s a 2000 acre farm. We don’t live right on top of each other. It’s been in the family for generations. My husband runs it. Farming is hard work and it would be majorly inconvenient for him to live somewhere else since it’s a 24 hour a day job. It’s a job that never ends. It’s a lifestyle. Do you understand?

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It’s a 2000 acre farm. We don’t live right on top of each other. It’s been in the family for generations. My husband runs it. Farming is hard work and it would be majorly inconvenient for him to live somewhere else since it’s a 24 hour a day job. It’s a job that never ends. It’s a lifestyle. Do you understand?

I did not realize that he ran it. What about all of these other people?

 

Can I ask why you do not socialize with others. I cannot imagine hanging out with the same people very weekend. Do you have your own friends?

 

These is an ongoing issues with these people, but it does not seem like you have chosen to make any significant changes. i would think it would be exhausting to be around people like this. Have you ever told them that you do not feel comfortable with the negative convos? If not, why not?

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I did not realize that he ran it. What about all of these other people?

 

Can I ask why you do not socialize with others. I cannot imagine hanging out with the same people very weekend. Do you have your own friends?

 

These is an ongoing issues with these people, but it does not seem like you have chosen to make any significant changes. i would think it would be exhausting to be around people like this. Have you ever told them that you do not feel comfortable with the negative convos? If not, why not?

 

The others do not even work on the farm. But their great grandpa started the farm, then their grandpa ran it, then their dad, and now my husband. They simply live on it so they didn’t have to buy land to build their houses on. They got an acre each for free.

We do socialize with others. We just see them more than we see anyone else because it’s convenient. We also help with their kids a lot as one of the husbands works out of state 10 months out of the year. Not seeing them would be near impossible.

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So, OP, it boils down to the fact that they cannot be avoided. Perhaps keep meetings to a minimum. And throttle the conversation when it wends its way towards negative and envious comments. Directness can be very effective. As in: "Why are you badmouthing the holiday house idea now, when you were all praise for the notion when talking to my husband."

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His friend was saying stuff like “that’s a big waste of money... it’s stupid to buy land there...that’s the worst place to vacation... etc”. .

You could have replied with: "Well, aren't you lucky then. You're not paying for it and won't be staying there." ......... Pretty much tell him to mind his own business. It has nothing to do with him what you and your husband decide to do.

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Was he drunk? People say dumb things in a crowd too. I'd normally pull someone aside and have a chat later on. See what's going on with him.

 

Usually when people act out like that it has very little to do with what they're saying, more to do with what they're going through personally.

 

Depending on the conversation I may or may not have told my spouse. Sounds more like a personal issue and has less to do with the house you're buying/building. It's none of his cousin's business anyway. The house isn't up for discussion. This is about his cousin's issues.

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Given that it's usually the messenger who gets killed, why can't you just deal with the person who's speaking out of both sides of his mouth rather than set your husband up for that?

 

Gossip is gossip. You get to decide the degree to which it 'should' wreck your life.

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OP, learn little phrases like "sorry you feel that way" when these people start criticizing you or your husband's decisions. If they start giving you advice you aren't interested in, dismiss it with "We'll give that some thought." Oh and Southerners have some lovely ways to deal with twits "well aren't you just the sweetest little thing to be so concerned." translates into "you are in idiot who should mind his/her own business and keep your mouth shut."

 

Basically, you aren't going to change these people and you can't get away from them, so all you can do is learn how to handle them better without causing a war or stirring up more drama. You already know what's driving their bs and that should tell you that they aren't very nice people, so you should probably avoid stirring the pot, because if they really turn on you, you'll find out the meaning of living in hell and your current complaints will seem like nothing. Learn how to distance yourself and dismiss their bs very very politely, in a way that it can't be held against you.

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Some things you could say the next time they go off (or on) about something:

 

"Thank you for your advice we will take that into consideration."

"I appreciate the feedback."

"Thank you for your input!"

 

If you want to avoid drama, then don't defend, debate, or otherwise engage.... and consider keeping your life private so they have nothing to comment on.

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Some things you could say the next time they go off (or on) about something:

 

"Thank you for your advice we will take that into consideration."

"I appreciate the feedback."

"Thank you for your input!"

 

If you want to avoid drama, then don't defend, debate, or otherwise engage.... and consider keeping your life private so they have nothing to comment on.

 

Great advice, and I also love this:

 

... Just pay no mind. "Well, we like it." All you need to say back

 

Nobody can argue with what YOU like.

 

Head high, and take it all in stride. You'll thank yourself later.

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Honestly, don't let people create chaos. He may be intentionally trying to triangulate - to get you to state his opposition to your husband instead of being honest with your husband or he could be jealous. Either way, I would not get upset about it and as said before, just dismiss him. I also would not share so much of your plans with the family like that.

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