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Long Term Relationship breakup with 5 kids


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We have been together for almost 10 years and yes 5 kids. the last few years have been a roller coaster ride. I will start with my faults. like 3 years ago i was contacted from old females i dated and we had Facebook conversations- I call a spade a spade so yes I admit it was wrong but nothing went past that. She 3-4 years later still keep throwing that and other things up during arguments and she states in her eyes its same as if I had sex with them. we can never get past problems because i always become the blame of her problems. we have tried therapy and counseling and it always goes back to a pity party with me as the blame. Again i admit I was wrong but if we are arguing about something today I would like to deal with today's problems not get blamed for 2016 actions. So the unhealthy part to me is when we argue its easy for her to go sleep in another room and go 2-3 days without talking to me. In the same household especially with kids I would expect a better example. this has gone on for numerous arguments. The arguments are also crazy, like we have a maid that cleans once a week and she is mad not wanting to spend the money but she doesn't clean. When we argue I tell her females would line up to change places with her to have a soccer mom lifestyle- luxury car home credit cards etc but a little argument you go silent. I do love her and we have kids but I'm at a point to were therapist friends family point to me not being happy. I'm stuck on do I stay and keep taking it for the kids sake or find someone new that will make me happy and I can build good memories with? honest opinion needed please?

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You have completely dismissed your wrong doing of fb conversations with exes (plural? , how many happened to just contact you at that time?) by telling your partner that yes you admit you were wrong chatting , but belittle it and your partners sentiments by saying you didn’t take it further??!! Really???

 

It’s no wonder your partner can’t get past this.

You have never truly apologised. And you have never actually realised that it is irrelevant if you didn’t take it to the next step. Or apologised for the disrespect.

 

You tell her when you argue that other females would line up to swap places with her?

You are a disrespectful a hole.

 

Your friends and family might outwardly see that you are not happy.

But do they know how condescending you are to your partner ? And how unhappy she feels?

 

Do you really believe you are a better role model to your kids than her?

Are they aware of the emotional infidelity? Or just your partners reaction to that?

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Unfortunately it sounds like you already have a plan. Talk to a lawyer about what child support will cost you.

find someone new that will make me happy.

 

I tell her females would line up to change places with her to have a soccer mom lifestyle- luxury car home credit cards etc but a little argument you go silent.

Edited by Wiseman2
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You have completely dismissed your wrong doing of fb conversations with exes (plural? , how many happened to just contact you at that time?) by telling your partner that yes you admit you were wrong chatting , but belittle it and your partners sentiments by saying you didn’t take it further??!! Really???

 

It’s no wonder your partner can’t get past this.

You have never truly apologised. And you have never actually realised that it is irrelevant if you didn’t take it to the next step. Or apologised for the disrespect.

 

You tell her when you argue that other females would line up to swap places with her?

You are a disrespectful a hole.

 

Your friends and family might outwardly see that you are not happy.

But do they know how condescending you are to your partner ? And how unhappy she feels?

 

Do you really believe you are a better role model to your kids than her?

Are they aware of the emotional infidelity? Or just your partners reaction to that?

 

I was thinking the same.

 

How bad were these convos and how did these women suddenly contact you?

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The females are lining up, eh?

 

I think if you want to have quality discussions, you probably should start with keeping your end less condescending. Whether the females are lining up or not, that is not how you talk to someone you care about. You should be discussing things to understand each other and work out problems. Not prove the other person wrong.

 

Maybe try looking at things from her perspective. You obviously got some kind of ego boost from females contacting you. And your they're lining up comment only further perpetuates insecurities in her. Maybe that's why she can't let it go. Because you enjoy being big man of the house, providing what you obviously think is so wonderful, she should be more thankful. And reminding her every chance.

 

Which is by the way, is egotistical and rude. Considering, you have 5 kids, you would not be able to be as successful career wise. If it were not for her contributions to your life, taking care of the kids, cooking, the home, laundry, etc. It's wrong for the working spouse to put the other down or to act like their work is the one that affords the lifestyle.... You both contribute. You both decided this is how the arrangement would go... With 5 kids someone needs to be home.

 

But yet somehow you are more important than she is. Maybe she stops talking because she knows she is wasting her breath.

 

Maybe males would be lining up to take your place!

 

Ps... I don't know many females lining up to be step mom to 5 kids. even with a maid one day. What is happening the other 6 days of the week??? Keeping up with a household of 7 is a ton of work. Alice lived with the Brady's...

Edited by Lambert
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The females are lining up, eh?

 

I think if you want to have quality discussions, you probably should start with keeping your end less condescending. Whether the females are lining up or not, that is not how you talk to someone you care about. You should be discussing things to understand each other and work out problems. Not prove the other person wrong.

 

Maybe try looking at things from her perspective. You obviously got some kind of ego boost from females contacting you. And your they're lining up comment only further perpetuates insecurities in her. Maybe that's why she can't let it go. Because you enjoy being big man of the house, providing what you obviously think is so wonderful, she should be more thankful. And reminding her every chance.

 

Which is by the way, is egotistical and rude. Considering, you have 5 kids, you would not be able to be as successful career wise. If it were not for her contributions to your life, taking care of the kids, cooking, the home, laundry, etc. It's wrong for the working spouse to put the other down or to act like their work is the one that affords the lifestyle.... You both contribute. You both decided this is how the arrangement would go... With 5 kids someone needs to be home.

 

But yet somehow you are more important than she is. Maybe she stops talking because she knows she is wasting her breath.

 

Maybe males would be lining up to take your place!

 

Ps... I don't know many females lining up to be step mom to 5 kids. even with a maid one day. What is happening the other 6 days of the week??? Keeping up with a household of 7 is a ton of work. Alice lived with the Brady's...

 

Wow the females lined up against me (joking).

Let me add a bit more to the story.

I respond back with the females lined up statement after she states to me its a buffet out there and I can do better. but wrong is wrong and I guess my statement is a comeback in response to her statement. I guess I should also add I'm Mr. Mom I make breakfast/ feed the kids -go to work -come home I prepare dinner put the kids to sleep etc. My complaint is that if you are a stay at home mom (some of the times dinner and a clean house should exist,) not the case in our household. I make the kids eat at the table and teach them to clean up basic structure and she lets them eat in the hall and rooms. I should also add she still the youngest is 3 suffers from post pardum/depression. I have taken her to numerous therapist-& np/psychiatrist to deal with the issues and I waste the money because she feels she doesn't need medicine, but her actions state otherwise. I didn't mean to come off as bragging or belittling her. We have 3 businesses i run all three and deal with the kids and her daily.Out of all 3 she does not participate or help. At least learn the business so you can run things one day if someone doesn't show up. She is not holding up her end of the bargain and I understand the number of kids is overwhelming but I offered nanny and she declines. There is alot more but this should change a few people who responded perspectives,

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Clearly it's important for you to be "right" and prove her "wrong" so I agree with the poster who said you need to investigate how much child support will run you and get going on that. Then you can start sampling all these other ladies when the line starts forming. Sounds like you will have many to choose from.

 

You wanted honest opinions. You are not going to magically be happy with someone else. The same problems or worse will present. I know it sounds trite but it really is true: find happiness from within yourself first. Don't worry about trying to change your partner.

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I respond back with the females lined up statement after she states to me its a buffet out there and I can do better. but wrong is wrong and I guess my statement is a comeback in response to her statement

 

Sorry if you thought that your update would change people’s perspective but it hasn’t t changed mine.

 

It doesn’t matter what she said , you said.

 

You did and she didn’t.

 

You were chatting to other females = you did.

She was not chatting to other males = she didn’t.

 

Who cares who said what? Explain that in court? No one will care!

 

It is irrelevant as to your incompatibility on parenting.

Kids can sit at the table to eat dinner with an unfaithful parent or they can sit on their bed eating dinner with a faithful parent.

Who is right and who is wrong?

 

You are hell bent on you being right , come here to try prove it, yet failed miserably.

 

No one was questioning your parenting skills.

Yet that’s what you have focussed on?

 

What about your partnership skills? So far all you have managed to convince people is that they are lacking.

 

Perhaps it’s a mutual communication issue that’s lacking , but rather than blame your partner for that, realise that you were the one to jump ship rather than fix it?

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Wow the females lined up against me (joking).

Let me add a bit more to the story.

I respond back with the females lined up statement after she states to me its a buffet out there and I can do better. but wrong is wrong and I guess my statement is a comeback in response to her statement. I guess I should also add I'm Mr. Mom I make breakfast/ feed the kids -go to work -come home I prepare dinner put the kids to sleep etc. My complaint is that if you are a stay at home mom (some of the times dinner and a clean house should exist,) not the case in our household. I make the kids eat at the table and teach them to clean up basic structure and she lets them eat in the hall and rooms. I should also add she still the youngest is 3 suffers from post pardum/depression. I have taken her to numerous therapist-& np/psychiatrist to deal with the issues and I waste the money because she feels she doesn't need medicine, but her actions state otherwise. I didn't mean to come off as bragging or belittling her. We have 3 businesses i run all three and deal with the kids and her daily.Out of all 3 she does not participate or help. At least learn the business so you can run things one day if someone doesn't show up. She is not holding up her end of the bargain and I understand the number of kids is overwhelming but I offered nanny and she declines. There is alot more but this should change a few people who responded perspectives,

It sounds to me like you acknowledge she has postpartum depression. But do you really understandd what that means? You make it sound like, well I took her to the doctor what more does she want? here's an antibiotic.

 

Postpartum is not one and done. It's a serious condition and each woman is different.

 

You seem very hell bent on who is right or wrong. And in relationships that just is not always the case. You either want to fix things or you don't. You sound like you dont, because you have many reasons.

 

I'm sure its hard but you had to know 3 businesses, 5 kids is a lot of work. Why did you keep adding more and more, if she was not contributing?

 

Unless, she had the 5th, which you also are a part of and she got postpardum. Things got tough and oh by the way, 3 years ago? Isnt that also when you started having emotional affairs with women from your past...

 

Now she's broken and you want to know if you should find someone else. Dag, dude. That's cold.

 

What happen to for better or worse? Sickness and health? I guess you didnt expect it to be worse or sickness, so you didn't mean that part.

 

Start looking at your part in creating this whole dynamic. Take some accountability and work on yourself.... people who blame everything on the other partner are delusional. You are not even close to being ready for a new relationship.

 

heck, you're not even out of this one. seriously, you need to talk to someone. A therapist, an attorney, a religious leader, if you have one. you have 5 little ones with a postpartum mother. You need to get your head right and your priorities straight. What are you doing for them? O yeah, you make them sit at the table.

 

I get what you meant by that. But come on, this house must be a nightmare for them. Do you talk to them about what's happening? If your wife is so bad, you'd leave her and them?

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furthermore:

 

 

if you leave you probably need to figure out how to take them with you or maybe your wife needs to leave to heal herself and come back. Once she is better, you figure out the custody arrangement.

 

It breaks my heart to think of you leaving your wife in her state with 5 kids alone. While youre out finding her replacement. this is a prime situation for something really bad to happen. like hurting herself or the kids.

 

You're the father. Its on you to do everything you can for these kids and the mother of your children. Its not about you, until the kids are good.

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You were already unhappy enough in your marriage to engage other women, so it's up to you to decide whether repairing your marriage could make you happy instead of continuing to compound the problem.

 

Envision a relationship with your wife where she's not furious with you. Would that actually be what you want, or would it just remove your rationale for wanting to move on from her?

 

That's a private decision, and it's not about playing to public appeal. Adopt self honesty and figure out whether saving your marriage would bring you happiness, or whether you're already checked out.

 

If you could not be happy with wife even if she somehow reached a loving and trusting state, then skip the effort, and stop pretending that it's what you want. Consult a lawyer to learn your options.

 

On the other hand, if you could see yourself happy with wife if it weren't for her unhealed fury, then stop compounding the problem. Provoking wife with threatening language about other women only sabotages any work you may believe you've done toward encouraging her to trust that you actually love her and would be willing to invest the rest of your life earning her trust.

 

That's a tall order, but if you keep sabotaging it, then it doesn't make you a villain and her an angel, it just means you're spinning your wheels and wasting your time. If you want to rationalize leaving your wife by compounding old errors with tone-deaf threats, then here you are. If you want to repair your marriage, you'll stop doing that, and you'll negotiate counseling with a promise that you'll attend with the goal of becoming a better and more loving husband.

 

Is she worth that to you? It's a decision.

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We have been together for almost 10 years and yes 5 kids. the last few years have been a roller coaster ride. I will start with my faults. like 3 years ago i was contacted from old females i dated and we had Facebook conversations- I call a spade a spade so yes I admit it was wrong but nothing went past that. She 3-4 years later still keep throwing that and other things up during arguments and she states in her eyes its same as if I had sex with them. we can never get past problems because i always become the blame of her problems. we have tried therapy and counseling and it always goes back to a pity party with me as the blame. Again i admit I was wrong but if we are arguing about something today I would like to deal with today's problems not get blamed for 2016 actions. So the unhealthy part to me is when we argue its easy for her to go sleep in another room and go 2-3 days without talking to me. In the same household especially with kids I would expect a better example. this has gone on for numerous arguments. The arguments are also crazy, like we have a maid that cleans once a week and she is mad not wanting to spend the money but she doesn't clean. When we argue I tell her females would line up to change places with her to have a soccer mom lifestyle- luxury car home credit cards etc but a little argument you go silent. I do love her and we have kids but I'm at a point to were therapist friends family point to me not being happy. I'm stuck on do I stay and keep taking it for the kids sake or find someone new that will make me happy and I can build good memories with? honest opinion needed please?

 

 

We need to know more about these conversations to make a judgment call. If they contacted you and everything was just friendly, then you didn't do anything wrong. If however you were being suggestive, etc- that would be different. Even if it did cross boundaries, I personally don't think it's "equal to having sex with them".

 

No matter the case, I personally think your partner is being immature. If you resolve a conflict, it should be over. You shouldn't continue to bring it up years later, because NO good can come from that. The party who made the mistake can't go back and change the past, and the party who it hurt can still be hurt, but shouldn't be keeping score or using a past mistake as a hidden arsenal to pull out any time it's convenient.

She is also being childish by sleeping in another room and refusing to speak to you.

 

If she can't get past this, then she just needs to be honest with you and start the divorce/break up process. And if you're really unhappy and don't see any compromise or hope of reparation happening, then there's no point in delaying the inevitable. I am a believer in NEVER staying just for the kids sake. You aren't doing THEM any favors by doing so. You shouldn't just stay with your partner to show the kids a happy lie. Besides, kids aren't stupid. By staying in a toxic relationship, you are teaching them to stay in toxic relationship. I say because I WAS that kid whose parents stayed for "our sake" and it was a living hell.

Looking back as an adult, I STILL wish they had gotten divorced instead of putting us and themselves through what they did.

 

Based on what you've said, this relationship is unhealthy for both of you and has run its course. The past is over. You both need to focus on the NOW.

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