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Is my partner a serial cheat?


Alicia22

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I recently discovered a few emails sent by my partner of five years on Boxing Day to various women from Craigslist (classy! Until this week I’d never even heard of it) seeking sex. Actually asking things like do you meet in person? Or replying to them indicating he is interested in ‘fun mutal sex’. I have confronted him and he says he didn’t actually follow through on it- the thrill or turn on is from the arranging it!?! I’m not a idiot! Then add into the equation that on Boxing Day he left my me and daughter at my mums to return to our house ahead of a holiday the next day with his best friend. So he leaves, he sees his dad, goes to a swimming spa and then within a couple of hours is trying to arrange these hook ups. To add insult I tried to call him at the exact time he was messaging these random women. He ignored the call and was MIA for 4 hours finally getting in touch at 9pm saying “it’s quiet and lonely here” he obviously needed some sympathy or care from me by 9pm poor lonely man on Boxing Day all on his own!?!.

I’m posting here because in his world he thinks that it should be fine and people have all sorts of weird kinks, fantasies and hell its not like he even went through with it - despite no contact during the whole period he was trying to hook up. And, it’s not the first time. Wind back 3 years, nothing on this scale but we had a massive chat, boundary setting and ironing out what trust means. My gut instinct is that he relationship is over we can’t get past this...I just can’t believe he can’t come clean. He says he was feeling a bit low, on his own Boxing Day back at home. I had gone to see family and he was home as was going away the next day. I mean most people 4pm Boxing Day after doing nice things crack open the chocolates, watch movies and wait for their holiday. Even more I rang and text him at the exact time he was doing this when he allegedly felt low and he didn’t respond. I know the answer to all this I just can’t believe the level of bull he wants me to buy into. I’m fuming!!any thoughts or advice appreciated

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Boxing Day as in December 26 2019? This is 7 months ago. Please get checked for STDs and see your doctor immediately. Start taking care of your health.

 

Yes, the relationship is over. No, this is not normal and nor should this behaviour be assumed to be "fine" on any level especially if the both of you don't agree or can't see eye to eye on what "weird kinks" or "fantasies" are ok in a relationship.

 

Don't waste the anger lashing out or fuming. Redirect all that energy and book an appointment with your doctor. End the relationship.

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Yikes, actually glad to see you fuming instead of asking us how to reconcile. Yes, he is a serial cheater and not only that but with prostitutes. The lying insanity....honestly don't even bother trying to talk to him anymore because he'll just infuriate you more as he will continue to lie, blow smoke up your arse, treat you like a complete idiot, and otherwise try to justify his behavior as "normal". Don't even bother going into that rabbit hole of madness. You have all the information you need.

 

Put that anger into getting rid of him with extreme prejudice and please get tested for everything asap. He didn't just cheat, he intentionally put your life and health at risk and didn't care.

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Where there is smoke there is fire.

Meaning when you see some sign a like this there is likely twice as many things you don't know.

What strikes me is he has no remorse when confronted. I would think had he really simply been curious and the found out and normal response would be embarrassment, shame and remorse. Instead he gaslights you as if you weren't aware that most people have kinks and with seems to take the issue off the table.

I had a coworker go through the same thing. She stayed, ended up with an STD, policed his every move, basically had a nervous breakdown, lost her job due to repeaded absenses and ultimately alot of other dark things came to the surface.

She wish she left at the first sign.

I'm sorry. It's devastating to know and harder to come to terms with.

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Do you live together? Have you gotten tested for STDs? Being a martyr is not going to stop him from prowling for random sex.

 

btw, once cheating, lying, etc are involved, why stick around for it to become "serial"?

I recently discovered a few emails sent by my partner of five years on Boxing Day to various women from Craigslist. I had gone to see family and he was home as was going away the next day.
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I only found out on Wednesday evening so no not checked for STD’s yet. I did mention I needed to do that, he said there’s no need. He has said sorry and shown some remorse but I think it’s more about getting caught out and losing the life we live and plans we had. We’ve lived together for over three years. He has a massive problem with honesty. He doesn’t lie (I don’t think) on a day to day basis - except possibly of his whereabouts now I’m at this point- but he’s always available and reachable by phone. He just seems to have a secretive darker side and when we’ve talked before it just feels like he can’t properly open up and gets more secretive and covers his tracks better. It’s sad and I am naturally oscillating between feeling tearful and crushed to fuming that he’s a ing idiot on so many levels. And now he’s feeling devastated that’s it’s over and he’s lost everything. I can’t help feel a bit sorry for him because what a place to be in life. Equally we have live with my nine year old daughter who he has know since she was 3 so that’s going to be a crushing blow to her too. But your advice is welcome because there is no point going down the rabbit hole with him as what’s the point of trying to rationalise with someone who has so little self control or a value base the same as mine. It’s easier to talk here because our lives our bound up with family and friends and I can’t bear to tell many people right now (only a couple of friends) especially as there won’t be much impartiality. It just s be right off if I talk to him as I can neither believe or disbelieve his version that he never met up with anyone and it was the thrill of arranging it (I mean someone tell me as I cannot see it- is there a thrill in just doing that) so I’m left hanging in the balance with only the evidence which is pretty bloody damming. I’m mad because his actions have now caused my life today to feel upside down - I’ve just started a new dream job, my daughters broken up for summer holidays and I feel utterly distracted. I am strong through and will take care of my mental well-being very soon and try not to give this too much air time 😊

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So sorry about all this.

 

Honestly, does it really matter if this is just thrill seeking behavior? Sure, it's a possibility. But that means your life is still intwined with someone who (a) needs to arrange sex with others for a thrill and (b) is immune to being honest, per your own description. Those two variables in and of themselves, I think, are more than enough to know this isn't the life you want to live, no?

 

Best I can tell, it seems that, for all the lurid discomfort of this moment, it's really an extension of tensions and disconnect that have been simmering between you two for years. So what I would see, in the present "evidence," is irrefutable proof that those issues are only getting worse, not better. Do the math there and you don't come up with an equation that bodes well for your happiness, or your daughter's.

 

You sound like you've got a very strong core. Keep leaning into that, and away from this, for strength and guidance.

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Understandably your world seems thrown upside down, but it's better to face facts than be hurt more down the line. Whatever you discus with a doctor is strictly confidential so that is at least one resource you can speak frankly to.

 

If he is a chronic liar, get a checkup and ask for STD testing. You've known about his extracurricular sexual trysts for 7 mos.

I recently discovered a few emails sent by my partner of five years on Boxing Day to various women from Craigslist
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Just wanted to throw in some support. You're thoroughly peeved and rightly so. His behavior is shady, creepy, and completely selfish.

 

I'm sorry for your daughter but given time the better lesson she'll appreciate is showing her, a strong woman that does not accept lies or tolerate poor behavior.

 

Be sure to send him the bill for the STD tests. I wouldn't let him think for one minute that I believe his BS story... it was just the thrill AND ignoring your calls texts for 4 hours at the same time.... yeah right. He must think you're really dumb.

 

But you're not! Joke is on him.

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nd now he’s feeling devastated that’s it’s over and he’s lost everything. I can’t help feel a bit sorry for him because what a place to be in life.

 

He chose that place by engaging in this bad behaviour,

 

Get rid of the this guy. What you know is almost certainly only the tip of the iceberg.

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If he is a chronic liar, get a checkup and ask for STD testing. You've known about his extracurricular sexual trysts for 7 mos.

 

I only found out about the messages 2 days ago through emails and messages sent on Boxing Day.

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Ok, so this is all very fresh. Try to process things and reflect to you can get a clear picture of what has been going on and what will go on going forward.

I only found out about the messages 2 days ago through emails and messages sent on Boxing Day.
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I’m posting here because in his world he thinks

 

This would be irrelevant to me.

 

I can either trust someone to be loyal or not. If not, then whatever he thinks doesn't matter a wit.

 

I understand that you need to process this and work it through, but I believe that you already know where it's going to lead you, and my heart goes out to you.

 

You deserve to be with someone who is trustworthy.

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Sorry to hear about this I would just walk away from him forever.

Take care of your daughter, work up on this new job.

Never go back, success and happiness for you and your daughter is the best way forward.

Unfortunately people change they loose attraction love respect it can happen with anybody but the most important thing to understand is to take care of yourself here.

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I found emails my ex was sending to my friend about his love for his co worker.

Not the same, I know, but the shock, hurt, denial and anger is the same.

I threw him out, and divorced him 12 months later.

Life was hard, but at least I didnt have to deal with his lying and manipulation.

I wish you all the best

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