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Girlfriend Unsure Of Our Future


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Hi All,


Thanks for reading firstly.


Bit of background, been with my partner for 3 years, lived together for 2 of those. Both close to 30 with good careers. I have children from a previous relationship which was tricky at the beginning but everything is fine now with a set routine of every other weekend.


She has been somewhat distant over the past month/ 6 weeks but we have been getting on fine nonetheless. She was acting off this past weekend so i asked her what was up, she stated that she isn't sure if she wants this routine anymore. Its nothing to do with the kids, me or my ex, its purely how she feels. I probed more so and she sometimes gets a bit jealous when the kids are over because she likes having me all to myself, said that she sometimes doesn't like that the house can be a mess with toys etc and the early mornings. She wants to have me just not the scenario and routine that we have. She also admitted that she feels the spark has gone somewhat.

We have been up and down over the past year and has serious conversations about splitting up in 2019 but decided to give it one last go.We rarely are intimate and even then its not like it used to be. We have also both said that on some levels we don't necessary feel we are compatible but we do get on and are good friends. Its almost a relationship of convenience and friendship now rather than it being filled with love etc. I appreciate relationships change and evolve over time so its never going to be like it was at day 1.


I cant help but feel that with the whole lockdown situation she wasn't working and has perhaps allowed her to take a step back and look at things differently in her life such as career, love etc rather than living life at 100 miles an hour and barely getting a chance to breathe. She is away with work next week so i've said perhaps use this time to reflect on how you feel and see if this is still 100% what you want, if it isn't then just say and we can decide whats best.


My stance and feelings on it at present are that if she does want to walk away or we decide to split then of course I will be upset, but i feel like i have been braving for the worst ever since we hit the rocks last year. It wouldnt be a complete shock to me. If we did split it would mean having to obviously move out and start again and more upsetting for me not be able to have my kids overnight (would have to work out some other means with ex)


Any help or advice would be appreciated.

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Why would this impact your arrangement with your children? Wouldn't they just come stay where you move to?


My advice is to really think about what you actually want. Your post is a lot of analysis and explaining her feelings. Where are you in here?


How does it make you feel that she is changing and realizing she doesn't want the lifestyle of having kids? She absolutely has that right but I wonder how does that make you feel?


You sound like, if she wants to continue you will, but if she doesn't, you won't. Which I guess is logical and makes complete sense. So maybe you are feeling you could find a more satisfying relationship, too?

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Thanks for the reply, it would impact because i wouldn't be able to afford the size of property we are in, so i would have to get something for myself only.


It does make me somewhat upset that the relationship would end but it wouldn't be a full surprise. I'm quite strong willed so i would take time to heal then move along and find someone new eventually. I wouldnt want to be with someone who didnt want to/couldnt accept my kids and my lifestyle so id take it on the chin.

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Having space does nothing to improve a relationship. Discussions on how to reestablish the emotional connection, and how to address problems by reading books on how that can happen and/or get couples counseling is what could save the relationship. But you seem to think you're incompatible, so maybe the differences are too difficult to navigate. Apparently, she didn't know the reality of dating a man with children, and now she does so needs to exit the situation.


Every other weekend isn't much time with your kids. Is it because this lady balked at more time at what is technically her property? You say you have a good career, yet won't be able to afford a place that will also house children. Maybe you can take this extra time without having a girlfriend for making a plan to afford something. Maybe continuing education for an even better job, or taking on a second job part-time to build up some extra funds. You don't want to end up relying on any future partner for that space that you can't afford and repeat patterns. Good luck.

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Sorry about this.


What I'd do right now, in your shoes, is take the same advice you gave her: to reflect a bit in order to determine if this is really what you want—and, if so, what you think could help in resetting the scales a bit so more harmony and sizzle is restored and discovered. If you see a future, and want a future, you need to be able to express that in order to see if there's an evolving conversation that can happen together. I say that because, reading your post, it's very hard to tell if you're really keen on this.


The comment about being "jealous" of the kids and wanting you all to herself wouldn't sit well with me. Totally valid feelings, of course, and it's great that she expressed them. But kids are kids: they're not going anywhere, and whoever you're with shouldn't see them as competition or a hindrance, but a bonus. It's a lot to ask, from one angle, but very little with the right person, especially when it's only two weekends a month. That leaves roughly 317 days a year where children aren't part of the equation of her day to day.


I can imagine how daunting it is to imagine setting up a new life that would also work with visitations, but it's doable, a thing people have figured out for many years. You're 30, with a good career, which is to say it's a thing you can figure out, if need be. Guess I'm just encouraging you to have a more active mindset about all this, rather than a passive one in which your fate—and the fate of your children—are overly tied to the engine of another.

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