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My boyfriend keeps staring at other girls


palevampire1
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He just won't stop. At the beginning it was more intense, like he would turn around to check out the girl. Sometimes he stared at them really intense beside me. Now he's making efforts because I told him that I don't like it, but he fails sometimes. He stare at them, and he told me sometimes he's wondering how the girl would be as a girlfriend, or even sometimes he told me he has sexual desires. I know it's not wrong to notice attractive people, but when it's staring at them beside me, I feel like an idiot. He told me he does it when we're not together, but I just can't imagine my boyfriend gawking at other girls.. maybe I'm too jealous, but I just don't like this feeling it gives me. I'm always scared whenever we're out in public. I just moved in with him and now I feel like that's a mistake because I know in my heart, he won't change. He's 33 and I'm 22. He told me he won't cheat on me but the way he acts in public doesn't convince me. Plus he has a huge problem with porn and masturbating. (Wich is ok, but he watches porn at least more than 5 times a day)

I don't know what I should do...

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He 'looks' at them.. they all do. No reason to react really- except maybe work on your jealousy.. try to contain it.

Not sure how long you have been involved.. BUT you are now living with him.. IMO, that says a lot.

 

Looking is normal. We all look... right? ;)

 

As for that porn stuff etc? Whoaa.. I do see that a bit of an issue.. Maybe look that up on what is NOT normal.. could be sex crazed kinda guy.. lack of control.. I dont see that as normal.

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You're right that he's probably not going to stop. I'm sorry this is happening. Staring openly or gawking as you say is not ok. Can you support yourself? Where are your parents or family? It's up to you whether you want to spend your life unhappy and fearful.

 

What matters is how your partner makes you feel in and outside of the home. If you're upset, fearful, sad and confused most of the time, this isn't a good place to be.

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You do know what to do, dump his butt.

 

He has zero respect for you if this is how he behaves. It doesn't matter if you're around or not, he should have enough self control than to be staring down women.

 

(Men can control it, don't believe it if they tell you they can't). It's a choice. The lower grade ones will behave this way. You don't have to take it.

 

Add into it that he is mastrubating and using porn and does it about 5 times a day. He is an addict and he needs counselling. (though I highly doubt he will admit to having a problem).

 

This man is too immature, too selfish and too focused on his own pee pee to be a decent man to anyone. You've got no choice but to end things with him, unless you want more disappointment and upset.

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He just won't stop. . he would turn around to check out the girl. Sometimes he stared at them really intense beside me. He stare at them, and he told me sometimes he's wondering how the girl would be as a girlfriend, or even sometimes he told me he has sexual desires. but when it's staring at them beside me, I feel like an idiot.

 

Plus he has a huge problem with porn and masturbating. (Wich is ok, but he watches porn at least more than 5 times a day)

I don't know what I should do...

 

Clearly he has NO filter and no boundaries. Staring, and turning around to continue staring, and then telling you he wonders what they would be like as a girlfriend or have sex with them ........ um, yeah......talk about totally disrespecting you. Wow. There's no issue with him looking, as we all look. But what he's doing is nothing near "looking".

 

Add that to his porn 5 times a day ...... All you need to do is ask yourself if you can deal with this for the rest of your life, because he will NOT change and it usually gets worse. I know what I would do. Choice is yours.

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This guy does not respect you, OP.

 

It's not as if he's just glancing at an attractive woman, discreetly. He's going far beyond that and it's incredibly crude and inconsiderate. You also say he's watching porn 5 times a day. This isn't normal. it's obvious you're not happy.

 

Get out and find a guy who doesn't come with these issues.

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There are two things going on here imo.

 

One is yes he checks out other girls. As do many guys, some are a bit more discreet about it.

He doesn’t think it’s an issue because yes in his mind he will not cheat on you. That’s probably true.

 

Secondly it’s your insecurity. I’m only guessing here but perhaps you are the one to notice a good looking girl first based on your own self esteem and insecurity. Then you watch to see how he will react when he sees her? And him noticing and looking at her is magnified in your mind?

 

His porn watching is excessive.

 

Some people will be very ok with all of the above. But it’s not about some people , it’s about you.

 

Why did you move in with him? Clearly not out of commitment by either of you?

Was it convenient? For him , you , or both of you?

 

And is it equally as convenient for you to move out?

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Honestly, OP, dump this guy.

 

it's a cop out to say everyone looks. What he is doing is creepy and hurtful.

 

Where are your boundaries?

 

Why would you tolerate a man that tells you he images other women as his girlfriend?

 

You do not or should not accept your unhappy and SCARED feelings as something you need to control. These are your gut and heart trying to tell your brain this is not for you!

 

He is basically, conditioning you, exploiting your youth to accept creepy, disrespectful behavior as normal.

 

Masturbating is normal. 5 times a day is not. This guy has issues! run! run now!

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Sorry about all this.

 

I agree with the general sentiments here. To my eyes, what's most disturbing here is not the staring, uncool as it is, but his explanations of it: that he sometimes fantasizes about these women, wonders what they'd be like as a girlfriend. That is the moment that a self-secure person wishes someone all the best in life, and then cuts bait to find someone who is genuinely secure rather than someone who, well, is clearly not.

 

This sort of dynamic only "works" if you're willing to disrespect yourself as much as he does you, and women in general. Think about that for a moment. If a relationship is a form of nourishment—and it is, I believe—then this is a bit like eating only processed, artery-clogging food and hoping to feel healthy as the body rots. Someone who is bad for your spirit—who upsets your gut, as this guy is—is not someone to invest in.

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There is a big difference between enjoying eye candy that happens to pass your way versus actively and regularly seeking out women to ogle for your sexual pleasure. That's predatory, sick behavior, and those type of men also often like to see the woman's reaction to his gawking, which is why he blatantly does this as opposed to being discreet.

 

Would I be jealous? No, more like disgusted by that, along with his over-the-top porn issues. I don't see how you even stand five minutes with this guy.

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Your boyfriend has a roving eye. Beware.

 

He doesn't have integrity. He's not a moral man. He treats you with disrespect.

 

You need to dump him. Be with a man closer to your age, too. You can relate better to a man within your generation. My cousin married a man 10 years older as did my mother. HUGE mistake and a lifetime of regrets. :upset:

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I had this issue with my own husband but he just looked. It was my own insecurity and i worked on it but to make those comments is just pure disrespectful. He sounds like a moron. Why did you move in with him?

 

The porn may be more the issue as it is not healthy or normal to watch it that much. Sounds like he has a problem.

 

With the above comment about being with someone older, my husband is 13 years older than me. Been together 12 years, married 5 years and have a baby together. Have plenty in common too. She just maybe needs to find a guy who treats her like a Queen.

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"I feel like that's a mistake because I know in my heart, he won't change"

 

You gave yourself the answer in your original post. Going to echo everyone else here by saying that not only is it disrespectful to openly stare at other girls while you're with your SO..it is absolutely absurd to tell your SO that you are fantasizing about a relationship or sexual relations with those girls. You should have dropped him back then.

As for the porn, I also agree that it sounds like he may have an addiction/problem. Not a deal breaker if you truly love someone, but he is not worth your time if he can't even have the common decency or respect to treat you well.

I feel like it's only a matter of time before he cheats, if he hasn't already. Make arrangements to move out!

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There are two things going on here imo.

 

One is yes he checks out other girls. As do many guys, some are a bit more discreet about it.

He doesn’t think it’s an issue because yes in his mind he will not cheat on you. That’s probably true.

 

Secondly it’s your insecurity. I’m only guessing here but perhaps you are the one to notice a good looking girl first based on your own self esteem and insecurity. Then you watch to see how he will react when he sees her? And him noticing and looking at her is magnified in your mind?

 

The guy straight up tells her he’s wondered what these women he’s ogling would be like as his girlfriend or in an intimate setting. That is not her mind magnifying things. That is a very point-blank statement saying he’s thinking of what life would be like with these women instead of his GF.

 

OP, this guy seems very disrespectful to your feelings. The sheer level of disrespect is on another level. Lose the loser.

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How disrespectful to you and the women. The porn is excessive. The guy is gross!

 

You should have dumped him long ago! Why have you tolerated this by staying?

Because he stopped, but sometimes he does it. And whenever there's a minimum of beauty in the girl, he stare at her.
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6 months now

Only six months and throughout he has shown you nothing but disrespect. I would have said that "maybe", if he was a young teen or early 20's he's still very immature and needs to grow up. But at age 33 .......He WON'T change. This is who he is. If you stay with him all you do is show him that you accept this gross behaviour. Your choice. I would say cut your losses and dump his a$$.

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No, not all men (or all people for that matter) stare at good looking people like an idiot and fantasize about them. And not all gfs (or bfs) who take issue with it are jealous or insecure. Trust your gut feeling when you recognize red flags. Your man sounds immature, shallow and disrespectful.

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OP, the only idiot in this scenario is your so-called BF.

 

"He just won't stop. . he would turn around to check out the girl. Sometimes he stared at them really intense beside me. He stare at them, and he told me sometimes he's wondering how the girl would be as a girlfriend, or even sometimes he told me he has sexual desires. but when it's staring at them beside me, I feel like an idiot".

 

Not only is he very short on the social graces but he is highly disrespectful.

 

A quick glance in passing is one thing, but turning to stare and gawk is quite another.

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