Jump to content

When do we stop dating others?


mayflower165

Recommended Posts

So I’m out here once again navigating the dating world trying to get things right! I met a wonderful guy who I’ve been seeing for the past two months. On our second date be both said we were looking for a relationship. We’ve been meeting up consistently every weekend except this upcoming weekend due to a trip he’ll be taking with friends. I think things have been going really well. We’ve been actually going on some fun dates within this time frame, hiking, out to eat and I even got to meet some of his friends. He’s casually mentioned that he’s been talking to his step father about me. When we’re together he always makes me feel very desired and cared for. My question is ..would it be appropriate for me to broach the subject of whether or not he’s dating others? Where does he see this going? There are times when we’ll kiss and he says “I want you,” but . I’m thinking of maybe asking him “In what ways?” Or something along those lines. Is it too soon? Should I not even bring up the topic to him?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How do you suggest I start the exclusive talk? Also do you think it’s ok for me to do that? Or should I wait for him to bring it up?

 

Personally, I wait until the time I consider becoming intimate with someone. Exclusivity matters (to me) when I am having sex with someone. Until then, we are just dating.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think there's any science to this so much as the science you create together, or try to.

 

That said, I certainly think 2 months is a solid time frame in which to start talking about that. Heck, two days or two weeks is solid, if that's your jam. But I wouldn't make it a passive thing, along the lines of "In what way?" but rather an active thing, where you express your feelings clearly in a way that gives him a platform to do the same.

 

So, what are those feelings? Putting him to the side for a moment, do you want to be in an exclusive relationship with him, at this moment? That's different than wanting him to be in an exclusive relationship with you. Personally, I'm a big believer that we find balance in knowing our own feelings, so we can share them, rather than getting lost in the maze of another's.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you! This answer gives me a lot of clarity. I really dislike having to be the one to bring up the exclusive talk. At this point I really do enjoy his company and would like to be in a relationship. We definitely have a lot of moments where we talk about the things we like in each other, so that’d be a nice start.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I really dislike having to be the one to bring up the exclusive talk.

 

Is there a human on the planet who likes bringing this stuff up? I've yet to meet one.

 

Recalling past threads, you have a child? I ask because I think it makes this business tricky on both sides. That said, I don't see anything "heavy" in letting him know that you've realized you've reached the point where (a) you're very excited about things and (b) in order to keep indulging in that excitement you need to know if he's on the same page as you, which is wanting this to be a romance that is being explored exclusively. Then you listen to how he responds, and how his response lands on your gut, and go from there.

 

My girlfriend and I had a few of those moments on the pathway to the big label of bf/gf. They could have been unfortunate, though if they were? Well, it would have told us each things we needed to know, if not so sweet to digest. The fact that they weren't unfortunate, but just kind of sweet and vulnerable—well, that was equally important information, you know? Either way, it removed the guess work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

just stop seeing other people. You like him - so don't accept other dates from others.

I would not bring up the exclusive talk with someone unless they have been clear that they are dating others.

He is looking for a relationship - he was very upfront about it - and has seen you so often that there is no time to see anyone else.

We never had an exclusive talk. And here we are how many years later.

 

its only been 8 weeks, don't bring up "commitment" as in "the talk". just ask questions - does he see himself living in this area permanetly, does he see himself having kids, etc...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

here are times when we’ll kiss and he says “I want you,” but . I’m thinking of maybe asking him “In what ways?” Or something along those lines. Is it too soon? Should I not even bring up the topic to him?

 

That sounds like he wants you nekkid.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I usually get a good idea of whether someone is dating someone one at a time as opposed to seeing other people at the same time. If I know that the other person was casually seeing other people I wouldn't think of them in the relationship sense, more like a fling. That's just me.

 

What gives you the feeling that he's seeing anyone else? Just curious.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

After what you've written so far, I'd leave the matter and start making up more rules as you go (your own guidelines). Turn the situation around and don't depend on his answers. There are other cues you can be reading and if it's not clear, give yourself more time to get to know each other. Sooner or later it becomes obvious when someone is distracted or slips up or is inconsistent with their time or schedule or routines as you get to know one another.

 

Figure out what kind of man he is rather than asking him what kind of man he is. A person can say anything they want. It's what he proves himself to be that matters.

 

If you feel yourself getting too attached, I think you need to pull back and maybe ask yourself why you need these reassurances so early on. You're easy prey for people who lie or give you a false sense of security.

 

I used to demand answers also when I was younger and I've learned to stop asking a whole lot of questions and observe more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok, it's fine to define your own terms, so have the exclusive talk.

 

That's not the same as heavy where are we going talks, it's simply stating that once sex is in the picture, these are your terms.

 

Are you still talking to this on/off ex? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564947&p=7221374&viewfull=1#post7221374

 

But these are random moments “after” sex
Link to comment
Share on other sites

When he is ready to, he will bring it up. Monogamy before sex. IMO you are still getting to know one another and he might be one of those careful guys. You know, wants to be sure. You even said you get too attached too quickly. Some go at a different pace.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you already slept with the dude, you sort of lose or watered down the whole "exclusive talk" thing. You showed him you are willing to bonk him with no guarantee that he isn't seeing or sleeping with others.

 

So, I'd initiate a convo about myself rather than making it about him. I'd tell him that I've come to learn that I bond when I'm sexual. I can only speak for myself, so I just want him know to that I've stopped dating other people.

 

See where that goes. If he volunteers that he's not going to date anyone else either, problem solved. If he doesn't go there, you'll know to pull back on being sexual with him unless and until he becomes a safe partner.

 

This doesn't mean holding this over his head, but it does mean curbing him sexually with an honest statement at that time. "I've enjoyed being sexual with you, but I also told you that I bond when I have sex. To me, that means monogamy. If you ever decide that you want to limit your sexual activity to only me, you can let me know that. Otherwise, I'd like for us to keep getting to know one another outside of the bedroom."

 

You don't need to finesse this with the right person. If you're uncomfortable with these kinds of conversations, what should that tell you about whether he's a good match for you, or not?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My question is ..would it be appropriate for me to broach the subject of whether or not he’s dating others? Where does he see this going? There are times when we’ll kiss and he says “I want you,” but . I’m thinking of maybe asking him “In what ways?” Or something along those lines. Is it too soon? Should I not even bring up the topic to him?

 

I'll never understand this, but if you were comfortable enough to get naked with him, why would you hesitate to ask him some simple common sense questions?

 

It may be too late to lock the gate since the horse has already got out, but why risk your health, along with your heart?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You don't, if he's not asking you first then he's just not that into you.

 

Date at least 3 men at the same time, prevents you from being clingy. Rinse and repeat.

 

Key word, date, don't have sex with any of them because after you have sex, all logic flies out the window and whoever you end up having sex with will be your favorite even if he's not the right one for you. So KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED and have fun.

 

You need to be in a mindset that your commitment is the prize, if he doesn't live up to your standards you can easily replace him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...