Jump to content

Recommended Posts

This seems a bit off track but what's going on with the phD choice? Do you mind me asking? It may be adding to feelings of being lost or not sure where to turn to, turning to people and interactions or romance instead of staying on course or committed to your reasons for moving to Berlin in the first place. The phD path may not be something you're certain about just yet but are you willing to deepen that experience and explore how it can be more valuable to you? Instead of taking the curriculum for what it is for example are there ways for you to apply the original interest in the topic/s to real life outside of academia?

 

When I've felt lost or disoriented, I've usually tried to come back to my original reasons in the first place, testing the rationale against the emotions. If there are inconsistencies, I work them out personally/internally. I keep doing this until the reasons are straightened out and I remain focused in what I set out to do. It doesn't always work - life can be unpredictable and other opportunities show themselves. I think we need to be fluid and flexible especially in the world we live in today. Being rigid or determined is no longer enough but it does help to revisit or keep checking in with your original plans and decisions or rationale.

 

People and places constantly change. This is a byproduct of living. Change is ever-present. How do you remain consistent in how you see yourself even if you are evolving? Having interests, to me, is one of those unfailing ways of reconnecting back with ideas of yourself in relation to the rest of the world. Stay connected to yourself while you stay connected to your city or community or studies, whatever you have in front or around you.

 

No problem, I can answer.

 

Well, couple of years ago I was very focused on my studies and genuinely liked it. Around three years ago I moved abroad for the first time and since then I have lived in four differen countries, besides mine and visited more than thirty. I slowly realised that I like exploring cultures, meeting people, learning about differences more than what I study (engineering). I lost my interest in engineering a bit and struggled for a bit. Then, after completing an internship I realised I very much prefer research/lab work over industry (which is only viable option, if I don't complete PhD). I applied slightly randomly to a bunch of positons and got accepted to one. Overall it's a pretty sweet offer, topic seems interesting, I like the city, financially seems good as well.

 

Definietly sounds better than what I can expect home, living with one of the parents, since I'll be unable to go on my own due to low salaries. Also, living in a bigger city seems more appealing than at home in a village, at least for now.

 

Basically, it's a quest for happiness, I think my chances abroad are better than at home. Plus I get to work in research.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you. It's good to read something positive. I have actually attended a couple of sessions. All the time that I had a therapist available. It really did a change and I hope I manage to attend again. I am moving soon, to Germany to be precise, hopefully their mental health services are more availabe than in my country.

I am trying to do some productive things, learning a language, reading a book, gym, but nothing feels natural, seems like I have to push myself hard to start with the activity. Can you perhaps recommend some self help books? I'm really not skilled on the topic.

 

The books... its so hard to suggest exact titles, because its so personal. Do you want to read about specific topics? Or do you want to read stories about people that overcame a specific thing?

 

Another great topic to get engrossed in that can give you a new perspective is philosophy. Eastern philosophy, ancient wisdom, other cultures etc. gets me out of my own head. I'm not saying you have to find a new religion [emoji4] but learning about an ancient culture gives me things to think about.

 

I would check amazon for that kind of thing or topics like self care. I'm sure some titles will resonate with you. Then check out the intro for how the author writes. Do they resonate with you?

 

Also check out Audible to listen to audio books, if that format works better for you.

 

Any topic you pick, I'm sure will lead to more topics to explore. Sometimes it is hard to find motivation... but maybe you just need to find the thing that interests you enough to keep with it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The thing is, you recognize the problems between your parents, and you know what it can do to a person in the long run. Because of that, you don't have to repeat their patterns.

I do hope you will get counselling and discuss this at length as it will help you a lot. It will also help you to not choose a partner who might bring these things back int0 your life (as some people subconsciously date a partner who is toxic due to it being familiar).

Try to notice these things and break the patterns. You can have a happy, loving relationship that resembles nothing like your parents relationship was, if you choose to.

 

Sleeping with randoms is sometimes not about sex, but boosting my self-worth, sadly.

This unfortunately is a backwards notion that isn't correct. I'll explain. Anyone can go onto a dating site and find loads of people who are willing to sleep around.

It's not difficult. That doesn't mean that you're a great man, or that you're attractive or worthy or anything. Because the type of women that are willing to sleep around with you, have slept around with tons of other men, similar to you. It's not attractive, it's not something to brag about and it's definitely not something that is a good thing.

 

Try to readjust your outlook on this. Now, think about someone who has accomplished a successful long term relationship or marriage (that is happy and healthy).

What would it take to do that?

Being able to find ONE woman that you truly do love and truly does love you. Being able to woo her, date her, have her fall madly in love with you. (no it's not easy to do).

Having your relationship skills be that good, that you are successful at getting along with one another, not fighting, having complete trust, being very good to each other, staying close on a daily basis, bringing happiness to each other, etc.

 

If you are able to do the above, that really would make you heads above the general dating population as that actually takes skill, personality, maturity, and so much more than just pulling out your nether regions.

Then you could actually be proud of yourself, and proud of the woman you are creating a life with and that she's a good woman who stays only in your bed and will only stay in your bed.

Being successful at that will bring you hundred times the good feelings and ego boost than sleeping with a hundred cheap women.

 

First take time to heal yourself as best you can. Get back onto your own two feet, get your head in a good place again. (this can't be rushed, it can take months with professional help).

Once you've gotten yourself in a better place, only then should you consider letting a woman back into your life. But your main focus should no longer be to have a cheap thrill for a few moments, but to create something wonderful, that is for only you and her and will lasts years, if not a lifetime.

 

Allow yourself that. It will be so much more fulfilling than what you've been doing.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You're beating yourself up over ending it with someone you knew for one week. Realistically, if you looked at how it most likely would've panned out, you would have invested more emotions and time into a failed venture, and the ending would've been a lot rougher. In the heady bliss of sharing chemistry with a shiny new attractive love interest, realities are shoved aside in that la-la land.

 

She didn't think about how it would feel to leave all of her friends and family, rarely seeing them anymore, with the great expense it normally takes to travel. She didn't think about how the normal pace of dating wouldn't be possible, and to go from making out with a cute stranger to living with him 24/7, with only each other to rely upon each other for a social life in a new land, would be smothering and too much too soon. She wanted to make a major decision like this without knowing who she was making that decision with. It takes a good year to see any skeletons in the closet, if there are any. It takes that long to see how a person handles a myriad of stressful decisions, and whether they have the capability of being faithful or not, amongst so many facets of who that person is. And it's not like you can live in another country without good reason. Sometimes getting permission adds to the stress that is already there when dating someone from another country.

 

You were actually using your brain wisely when you chose not to date in the most stressful way that exists.

 

Do continue with therapy and Google those self-help books with words such as "positive self talk." It doesn't matter if you've dated someone a week or if you've been with someone twenty years and it ends--you should never consider suicide because of a failed relationship. It's not fair to a partner for you to feel that if they walk away, your life will never again be worth living. You always have the power to move on and start another chapter of your life that is worthwhile. Until you get to that mindset, and are resilient enough to handle anything, I suggest you be by yourself and not date.

 

When you don't feel worthy, you will attract other broken people, and/or bullies and manipulators. When you're mentally healthy, you will attract, and be attracted to, other mentally healthy people, and your relationships will benefit.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
The books... its so hard to suggest exact titles, because its so personal. Do you want to read about specific topics? Or do you want to read stories about people that overcame a specific thing?

 

Another great topic to get engrossed in that can give you a new perspective is philosophy. Eastern philosophy, ancient wisdom, other cultures etc. gets me out of my own head. I'm not saying you have to find a new religion [emoji4] but learning about an ancient culture gives me things to think about.

 

I would check amazon for that kind of thing or topics like self care. I'm sure some titles will resonate with you. Then check out the intro for how the author writes. Do they resonate with you?

 

Also check out Audible to listen to audio books, if that format works better for you.

 

Any topic you pick, I'm sure will lead to more topics to explore. Sometimes it is hard to find motivation... but maybe you just need to find the thing that interests you enough to keep with it.

 

I'll try with "Why do I do that?" by dr. Burgo, hopefully I get some insight to my behavious and manage to stop beating myself up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The thing is, you recognize the problems between your parents, and you know what it can do to a person in the long run. Because of that, you don't have to repeat their patterns.

I do hope you will get counselling and discuss this at length as it will help you a lot. It will also help you to not choose a partner who might bring these things back int0 your life (as some people subconsciously date a partner who is toxic due to it being familiar).

Try to notice these things and break the patterns. You can have a happy, loving relationship that resembles nothing like your parents relationship was, if you choose to.

 

 

This unfortunately is a backwards notion that isn't correct. I'll explain. Anyone can go onto a dating site and find loads of people who are willing to sleep around.

It's not difficult. That doesn't mean that you're a great man, or that you're attractive or worthy or anything. Because the type of women that are willing to sleep around with you, have slept around with tons of other men, similar to you. It's not attractive, it's not something to brag about and it's definitely not something that is a good thing.

 

Try to readjust your outlook on this. Now, think about someone who has accomplished a successful long term relationship or marriage (that is happy and healthy).

What would it take to do that?

Being able to find ONE woman that you truly do love and truly does love you. Being able to woo her, date her, have her fall madly in love with you. (no it's not easy to do).

Having your relationship skills be that good, that you are successful at getting along with one another, not fighting, having complete trust, being very good to each other, staying close on a daily basis, bringing happiness to each other, etc.

 

If you are able to do the above, that really would make you heads above the general dating population as that actually takes skill, personality, maturity, and so much more than just pulling out your nether regions.

Then you could actually be proud of yourself, and proud of the woman you are creating a life with and that she's a good woman who stays only in your bed and will only stay in your bed.

Being successful at that will bring you hundred times the good feelings and ego boost than sleeping with a hundred cheap women.

 

First take time to heal yourself as best you can. Get back onto your own two feet, get your head in a good place again. (this can't be rushed, it can take months with professional help).

Once you've gotten yourself in a better place, only then should you consider letting a woman back into your life. But your main focus should no longer be to have a cheap thrill for a few moments, but to create something wonderful, that is for only you and her and will lasts years, if not a lifetime.

 

Allow yourself that. It will be so much more fulfilling than what you've been doing.

 

Thank you! I agree with your point. Perhaps it's society that shapes us this way. When I move I will slowly start working on that. On the other hand I think it's crucial to have more experience, even if they are just one night stands. Personally I like to try different things. I got my first girlfriend at 20 (25 now) and eventually broke up with her, because I felt like I need to experience more. Now I know this was a right thing to do. She was not the type of person that I could spend my whole life with.

 

But overall, I agree. I feel like I need to start looking for some deeper connection with someone. My loneliness is killing me sometimes and many thing (and my feelings) would be different, if I had someone to share my life with.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You're beating yourself up over ending it with someone you knew for one week. Realistically, if you looked at how it most likely would've panned out, you would have invested more emotions and time into a failed venture, and the ending would've been a lot rougher. In the heady bliss of sharing chemistry with a shiny new attractive love interest, realities are shoved aside in that la-la land.

 

She didn't think about how it would feel to leave all of her friends and family, rarely seeing them anymore, with the great expense it normally takes to travel. She didn't think about how the normal pace of dating wouldn't be possible, and to go from making out with a cute stranger to living with him 24/7, with only each other to rely upon each other for a social life in a new land, would be smothering and too much too soon. She wanted to make a major decision like this without knowing who she was making that decision with. It takes a good year to see any skeletons in the closet, if there are any. It takes that long to see how a person handles a myriad of stressful decisions, and whether they have the capability of being faithful or not, amongst so many facets of who that person is. And it's not like you can live in another country without good reason. Sometimes getting permission adds to the stress that is already there when dating someone from another country.

 

You were actually using your brain wisely when you chose not to date in the most stressful way that exists.

 

Do continue with therapy and Google those self-help books with words such as "positive self talk." It doesn't matter if you've dated someone a week or if you've been with someone twenty years and it ends--you should never consider suicide because of a failed relationship. It's not fair to a partner for you to feel that if they walk away, your life will never again be worth living. You always have the power to move on and start another chapter of your life that is worthwhile. Until you get to that mindset, and are resilient enough to handle anything, I suggest you be by yourself and not date.

 

When you don't feel worthy, you will attract other broken people, and/or bullies and manipulators. When you're mentally healthy, you will attract, and be attracted to, other mentally healthy people, and your relationships will benefit.

 

Good luck.

 

At the time I was able to look realistically at it. "It's just been a week, you can't do that." But now it seems like I cannot get to this point of view again. It's bolded sentence in your post that also gave me thinking.

 

But it was not just about that. When I was abroad for exchange I had my all-time high confidence regarding girls. I was exotic looking in a foregin country, therefore many girls were interested in me. I felt like I need to take "more advantage" of that (since it's not something I'm used to in my home country), which was one of the reasons why I didn't want to commit to her. I know, I was very shallow. And exactly this reason is the one making me feel the most guilt now. She really genuinely cared about me (she has also shown it a lot) and I hurt her badly due to my quest for some self-approval and fake happiness.

Link to post
Share on other sites
At the time I was able to look realistically at it. "It's just been a week, you can't do that." But now it seems like I cannot get to this point of view again. It's bolded sentence in your post that also gave me thinking.

 

But it was not just about that. When I was abroad for exchange I had my all-time high confidence regarding girls. I was exotic looking in a foregin country, therefore many girls were interested in me. I felt like I need to take "more advantage" of that (since it's not something I'm used to in my home country), which was one of the reasons why I didn't want to commit to her. I know, I was very shallow. And exactly this reason is the one making me feel the most guilt now. She really genuinely cared about me (she has also shown it a lot) and I hurt her badly due to my quest for some self-approval and fake happiness.

 

Oh come on....someone who barely knew you a week doesn't really genuinely care or anything such. It's not possible precisely because you didn't know each other. What you shared was a brief moment of intense chemistry - yes shallow stuff, based on looks and a few good laughs. Superficial stuff. Also, please don't flatter yourself with this idea that you were so grand, so powerful that just a one week with you and she was hurt badly. Turn the volume down on the arrogant button.

 

You are really indulging self pity here a bit much and literally bs'ing yourself way too much about a nothing much fling.

 

So how about this - instead of fixating on a one week fling, what can you do today, right now to make yourself laugh. What can you do right now that's constructive that will make you feel better, more comfortable - meaning look around you, your room - can you clean up something, rearrange something to suit better, go for a jog to blow off this nervous energy, find a project to do that will take up your attention? You've got to start training yourself to change gears even by force if you must instead of indulging your own bs and vallowing in it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm just looking at logistics here and I don't think it's reasonable to expect to find a long term girlfriend with your level of movement for schooling. Sure, it happens but as an expat or international student now in Berlin why would anyone in Berlin or back home want to start putting down roots with you? How long is your program?

 

It's normal to feel lonely. Just ride it. Check in with friends and take yourself out, come out of your shell if you're afraid going to places alone. I'm not sure what the restrictions and quarantine situation is like in Berlin. You don't need a significant other to do those things. If you want female company, there'll be plenty I'm sure but I wouldn't look for a steady, long term relationship while you've still got a few things to do for yourself - schooling, travel etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...