Gf taking a gift (something she gave me) without my knowledge

[Wiseman2]

That's like asking how can I beat you up physically without leaving bruises?

 

You seem very eager to drag out arguments and find fault..

 

Yeah, we've spoken about "how do I criticize you without triggering you".

[Capricorn3]

That's like asking how can I beat you up physically without leaving bruises?

 

You seem very eager to drag out arguments and find fault..

I agree. OP, it's clear you two are incompatible and poles apart. Time to let this go and move on.

[SherrySher]

If you two spend your time fighting over books or who is at fault, then it's more than clear you're making each other miserable and there's no point in remaining in each other's lives.

 

It sounds petty on both your parts. Dating is supposed to be fun and a happy thing. What two you have sounds miserable.

[DancingFool]

It's not the books themselves. I told her she can keep them or give them to me next time she sees me - either way works. It's the fact she took them sneakily and didn't own up to it/hoped I'd wouldn't notice. That's the part that doesn't sit right with me. Things are things. They can always be replaced.

 

There's also the wider issue, as I said, that she got really really distressed when I kept talking about it. I think for her, for a lot of things, saying "I'm sorry" is a closing argument. She doesn't see that sometimes people might need clarification beyond that, or reassurances in the future. When I put this to her later she was actually fine about it. Just whenever she gets criticised it seems to trigger back memories of her father and she thinks she's being hurt.

 

Not sure if we can resolve at this point. Probably going to be friends, by the looks of it.

 

That's an awful lot of you projecting intentions to her. The truth is that you don't know why she did what she did and what her reasoning actually was. You are simply assuming and projecting the worst, which actually says more about you than her. Instead of asking, you are busy jumping on her with your feelings which are negative projections....which is why she feels attacked.

 

OP, with a normally functioning couple, this wouldn't even be an argument and go as follows:

 

BF: Hey I can't find x book you gave me.....

GF: Oh, I have it.

BF: I see, do you mind sending it to me, I really want to read it and was losing my mind looking for it

GF: Oh sorry, I should have told you I took it, will send it over asap.

BF: Oh well if you are still reading it, keep it until you are done now that I know where it is, it's fine

GF: Oh no I'll send it, I don't need to keep it, sorry I should have told you I took it.

 

You see OP, people will apologize when you don't accuse them of nefarious intentions and simply correct the issue of their own free will. Unfortunately, I get the impression that you are way too negatively emotionally charged for that and too quick to jump on the person in a punitive manner even if you don't think you are doing it.

 

Some food for thought for you.

[Rose Mosse]

It's not the books themselves. I told her she can keep them or give them to me next time she sees me - either way works. It's the fact she took them sneakily and didn't own up to it/hoped I'd wouldn't notice. That's the part that doesn't sit right with me. Things are things. They can always be replaced.

 

There's also the wider issue, as I said, that she got really really distressed when I kept talking about it. I think for her, for a lot of things, saying "I'm sorry" is a closing argument. She doesn't see that sometimes people might need clarification beyond that, or reassurances in the future. When I put this to her later she was actually fine about it. Just whenever she gets criticised it seems to trigger back memories of her father and she thinks she's being hurt.

 

Not sure if we can resolve at this point. Probably going to be friends, by the looks of it.

 

This is tough because it sounds like the trust was broken in that one instance. Were there other issues of trust in the relationship? I can understand if this upset you but to be this distrustful of a person after one incident only is a bit alarming. Distrust tends to build over time gradually, not shoot up like this over the case of a book exchange. It seems a bit disproportionate considering the one instance only. I don't know if the both of you consistently have arguments.

 

Learning to fight fair is one of those things that are so very rarely mastered! Just as in everything, there is a give and take. She said she was sorry but I'd also look into why this wasn't enough for you and how is the trust so broken for you that you are calling into question her entire character so that she needs to reassure you that things like that won't happen again? I don't have a trusting nature either. I get it. People do wrong and a lot of people are selfish, sly and conniving. I may not show that I see it but I see it very clearly. There's also a group in the population that aren't like that who are open, honest and giving. If you don't sense mutual trust in the relationship, I can see where you're constantly feeling like you have to watch your back. This person may not be showing you the level of care that you need in a relationship and it may be very one-sided.

 

I'd take this as a lesson learned and take time to get to know someone and experience whether there's that same level of care and consideration. Not everyone will think exactly like you or say the words you want to hear. Some are not even capable of saying them when they know they ought to say it. This comes with the dating and relationships territory.

[catfeeder]

However, the wider issue is ...

 

This is where I'd keep my focus. The overall relationship either works for you, or it doesn't. Add the burden of long distance, and decide whether this is the relationship you want to keep at the expense of all potential others.

 

If so, here you are. If not, then you don't need to build a 'case' in order to exit. You can just tell her that this isn't working for you, and don't drill down into examples like the book, which she can do nothing about at this point.

 

Picking nits from a dead horse makes no sense.