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Dilemma About Potential Major Issue


bh1992

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Hello,

 

I am recently engaged and am getting married next year. When I first started talking to my fiance some time ago, I told her I had a college degree (which I was a semester away from completing but put on hold for personal reasons). She has a successful career and I was worried that not having a degree would deter her from wanting to date me so I fabricated the truth in the moment even though it was clearly a bad decision. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal because I figured it wouldn't really have an impact on our relationship because I had a good job so I kept the lie up. Now I am in a situation where her dad is trying to get me hired on at his job which is requiring me to send a copy of my diploma (which I don't have). I am currently panicking because I'm worried that me coming clean about it will ruin our relationship because we've been together for about 18 months with her and her parents being under the impression that I graduated. If I don't come clean about it though, she will find out anyway because I'm assuming this job will tell her dad that I didn't get the position because I don't have a degree. Is there a way to salvage this situation or am I about to lose everything? Any advice is appreciated. Just a side note this is the only thing I have kept from her and we don't have any trust issues whatsoever.

 

Thanks

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It sounds like you are insecure about your background and may feel you needed to make up for something about yourself that isn't good enough for your partner. Is this the first time you've lied about this particular info? Or have you also lied in the past in other relationships about your background or other details?

 

How feasible is it for you to do the remainder courses (that one semester) part time while you work? Her dad may end up helping you get one foot through anyway if you are able to complete the semester during the probation period or stall 3-4 months in the company hiring process while you finish your last semester.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to keep up the charade regardless of whether there's a job opportunity or not. This can't feel good for you overall and it may make you feel worse over time.

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Is there a way to salvage this situation or am I about to lose everything? Any advice is appreciated. Just a side note this is the only thing I have kept from her and we don't have any trust issues whatsoever.

 

We can't really predict how she will react, OP.

 

Some would be able to overlook this, while others would see it as a serious lie and wonder what else you have lied about. You would know better than any of us which camp she might fall into.

 

All you can do is tell her the truth now, and let the chips fall where they may. You can't keep up the lie any longer though. It was bound to come out sooner or later. Now is that moment.

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It would be a dealbreaker for me -there were a number of men I declined to meet because they lied on their profile about their education degrees. However my friend is happily married for almost 25 years to a guy who confessed a couple of months into dating that he'd lied about attaining a college degree at age 16 or some early age -he had a degree I think but that was the lie. He wanted to impress her.

 

I think you tell her and it depends on her values and standards. This is a big thing you kept from her IMO. But she may see it differently. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

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What's done is done. You can only decide how you want to live your life going forward.

 

I could see it either way. She understands, forgives, moves on or she questions what else you lied about.

 

I do think this is a good cautiounary tale for others.... I know its been a deal breaker for me in the past... little lies, half truths, it's a slippery slope.

 

You also need to examine why you needed to lie... are you still that guy that fudges his accomplishments?

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I hesitate to mention it as you should definitely come clean to your fiancee, but there's no way on earth I'd work for my FIL. Not because I don't like him. I just don't have a need to consolidate the different major facets of my life like that.

 

Regardless, even if you were to decline his offer, if doing the right thing and correctly informing someone who's committed to marrying you and sharing financial liabilities with you isn't enough of a motivator, how do you plan to hide the fact you're taking classes or getting a degree, assuming you do get around to it?

 

But buddy, you've dug yourself a pretty big hole and in a pretty fantastic fashion. No real getting around it. Sometimes you just gotta face life.

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I understand this to mean to work at the father's workplace, but not FOR him:

 

"...her dad is trying to get me hired on at his job"

 

"I'm assuming this job will tell her dad that I didn't get the position because I don't have a degree".

 

One way or another OP you must tell her, and hope for thte best.

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That's the trouble with lying. Lies on top of lies continue to fester the deceit or you'll eventually be discovered as a liar and never to be trusted by anyone again permanently.

 

Now is your chance to come clean. You can't undo the past but people are more impressed by your guilty conscience, humility and sincere apology than remaining silent. Then you'll eventually lose that gamble when they find out that they no longer respect your lack of integrity.

 

It's time to confess to your fiance and her father. Do it because it's called doing the right thing. Be humble, explain why you lied (not that it's an excuse) and humbly and sincerely apologize. Express your remorse. Make these apologies in person face to face, put the phones down, turn off computers, TV, background noise, etc. Make sure there are zero distractions. Take your time to say you're truly sorry.

 

Tell the truth for yourself and them. I actually commend you for having a guilty conscience. I've known so many very bad people who are experts at denial, gaslighting and would never apologize even if their very lives depended on it. They believe they're innocent down deep within their bones despite treating others with impunity. That to me, is more disgusting beyond measure. I've known all sorts of despicable characters in my lifetime. :upset:

 

Swallow your pride, check your ego at the door and man up. Apologize humbly and sincerely to her and her dad. Come clean.

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