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She never initiates or compliments


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Been with my girlfriend for near 2 years, had ups and downs etc you get through it together. But some thing's have only really just started to click after a big argument which I think has affected me.

 

I've noticed that she never initiates sex, phone sex or even complimenting me. Or when we do have sex or phone sex it's mostly me doing my best to satisfy her to the point that sometimes I don't even get to finish because she's done. This has gone on for months.

 

I thought this may be down to her confidence which I decided we needed to talk about and said what can I do or we do to help you build it up? Her reply was "I just gotta suck it up I guess..." Which wasn't quite the answer I was expecting. I compliment her quite a bit as it is or suggest a run together, and she always hates her looks but does nothing to change it to boost herself.

 

I dunno if this comes to that she hates the fact I've watched porn in the past but understood why I may have during lockdown apart. Yet now I get digged at for it as she can't understand why I would wanna watch it. It's like a yoyo! Yet I reassure her it's not to compare or judge her it's purely just a thing you switch off to.

 

I've told her in the past that certain things she does in sex I enjoy yet I can't remember the last time she's done it or even tried to.

 

I'm lost for ideas here and I just feel like I'm losing a battle because she has no desire to change or even try to please me sexually.

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Seems like you are learning the hard way that you are not responsible for another person's happiness, you can't make them happy if they aren't. Same goes for confidence. You can't compliment an insecure person into being confident. In fact, what you are doing has the opposite effect - you are both validating and enabling her cruddy behavior to continue.

 

Why should she even consider changing her behavior and attitudes when she has a guy like you to wipe her feet on. She acts like a jerk, you reward her with a relationship and compliments.

 

If this works for you, great. Carry on with the understanding that this will never change. If this is not how you want to live and how you envision your life and relationship to be, time to walk away and find a better quality woman that you don't need to try to fix. You can't fix people, OP.

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Sorry but having ups and downs is not normal for a 2 year relationship. You should be getting along famously 99.9% of the time with a small tiff here and there. Now your eyes finally see that this relationship isn't working and has been out of balance....you are putting in 80% while she puts in 20%. Nothing you can do... this is how she is. I would jump ship.

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You wrote about her in an earlier thread on Jul 1. I think this is a terribly negative person and she needs time to herself and do some work on herself. There's nothing you can do to help an insecure person. Remain on friendly terms but don't enter relationships with people who don't have appreciation for themselves or others. There's something seriously wrong about her outlook and the way she treats people.

 

Take care of yourself.

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I had a gf like me myself once. She was almost completely passive. Would come around my flat but never initiate hugs, never give compliments. Would sit, mute and serene, on my sofa. Always waiting to be prodded into affection. After about a year together she broke up with me, I searched for answers which I could never really get from her. In retrospect, I can see now that 1. She was an emotionally detached person with very limited empathy. 2. She really didn't fancy/like that much about it; dating was just a sort of hobby to pass the time.

 

I'm not saying these will definitely apply to your own relationship, just that, in my experience, it's very likely that 1 & 2 apply, or one or the other. I also suspect that you can do better. No matter how attractive or superficially charming this person may be, she is unlikely to fulfil you in the long term. Personally, I would look for someone else. Good luck. :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Tell her how it makes you feel. No recrimination, just how does it make you feel about yourself that you do all the initiation. Does it make you feel cared for? Desired? Just the opposite, I bet. If this has been going on for some time and an open discussion doesn't move things in the right direction, it might be time for you to move on. It doesn't SEEM like the kind of behavior you should find in someone who is seriously invested in a relationship. Not pleasant to think about.

 

Give her some easy suggestions. She shouldn't need to bite the bullet to show affection independently. Does she feel like affectionate behavior always means sex and she developed some issues around that activity as a result? Do you have the different love languages?

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