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Feeling lost and neglected


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I posted earlier about my boyfriend changing his mind about moving in together. Since then we have reconciled and agreed to do other things to move us forward as a couple such as go on a vacation/staycation together to reconnect post quarantine. I didn't get overly excited about it as there's not much one can do these days but I was lookong forward to the opportunity to spend an extended time together. It was his idea to do the vacation/staycation time and now he's wondering if we should do it at all due to finances. I understand but am also disappointed as he tends to do this a lot, i.e. present an idea that I guess he doesn't think through and then he takes it back or waffles. He's done this on a couple trips and other special milestones and it makes me feel really bad. Then when I try to get more details of what's going on and if we're still doing the thing in question he says he doesn't want to talk about it right now. Why does he give and then take away? Why doesn't he want to talk to me when I understandably have questions? He says he wants to move forward and have a future together but never makes any firm moves in that direction. He makes suggestions and when I take them and run with them he says im pushing him. I'm very confused as to why he wants to do one thing one moment but then a day or so later second guesses...... it makes me feel unwanted even though he says he wants me

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Sorry to hear that. It sounds like he is not as invested as you are. He is also sidestepping to pump the brakes.

 

When someone is stringing you along, they don't come right out and say that. Instead you get a confusing picture like this where one foot is in, but the other is out the door.

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Pull way back. Do not suffocate someone who is just not that into you.

 

You should really dump him rather than chase him

I feel so pathetic for constantly offering love and understanding but getting very little in return.
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He is far too unreliable, as you evidently already know.

 

Generally, I would have agreed that finances can make vacations tempting but impossible. However, this is a pattern, based on what you described - and it's not limited to vacations. It sounds like he says things to appease you or make you happy in the moment, but doesn't actually have the motivation to follow through. I would also be very disappointed by this, and frankly, it speaks to his overall interest in the relationship. His words are designed more to get you off his back (so to speak) rather than taken as serious plans. He then shuts down any further conversation about what it happening.

 

Personally, I would probably end it. He keeps changing the goalposts and stalling for time. I would be fed up and not really believe there's much of a future here.

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I feel so pathetic for constantly offering love and understanding but getting very little in return.

 

So why do you keep chasing him?

 

Surely you realize there are plenty of guys out there who would absolutely love to actually go places with you and reciprocate fully everything that you do just because that's who they are and how they feel.

 

As I say often, when words and actions don't match, pay attention to actions. He says he wants to be with you, but then he cancels plans on you constantly. His actions say he is not that into you, OP. He just likes the attention and you being there in the background and you are very easy to string along - a few cheap words and you keep going even though it keeps backfiring on you.

 

I think it's high time for you to pick up your self respect from the dirt, dust it off and lose this guy.

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Because he wants his carefree freedom and only date you. He's a "Good Time Charlie" and only wants to take vacations with you. After that, he wants to go back to his freedom. Many men are this way which comes as no surprise. He doesn't want commitment whether living together, playing house nor eventually marrying you. He's not sincerely serious about spending the rest of his life with you. He doesn't want to commit to you.

 

His talk is cheap as actions speak louder than words. Don't feel confused. It's plain as day and crystal clear. Stop wasting your time, energy, resources and life on a man who doesn't think you're worthy nor important. Wise up, lady.

 

There is no moving forward nor future with him. You're not worth it to him. That's the harsh reality check. I'm sorry, Kden. :upset:

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I'm really sorry you're hurting right now, his actions are definitely confusing. I think you have to ask yourself, if nothing changed, is this what you want in a relationship? Because your answer to that is probably your answer right now. He seems to be comfortable being this way and expecting this out of the relationship. Maybe try to have one last solid attempt at a conversation with him though in case you're misunderstanding anything.

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Imagine yourself in his shoes. If a loving, invested bf/gf suggests a vacation but later couldn't follow through due to circumstances (finances, work, sick family members, etc.) they'd likely be very apologetic, probably incredibly disappointed as well, and they should be actively working with you or on their own to try to find an alternative solution (a cheaper destination, doing something nice at home instead, or planning the vacation at a later time). The last thing they want to do is to turn it on you, say you're pushing, or to emotionally shut down from you as if they couldn't care less about your very understandable disappointment. Look at what he's doing and you have your answer.

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