SOS - I’m very insecure.

[Brunette91 3]

Hello to all.

Please be kind, it’s taking a lot for me to come forward with this. No one is perfect right? We all have our flaws. I and my other half both have our flaws. Hell, we fight and then get along like it’s no ones business. We fight about small stuff mainly. When something bothers me, I will take it and run with it for hours.... DAYS even. He is less like that, but loves to push my buttons at times and fuel the fire at times we aren’t even fighting. I noticed when I’m on my best behavior, which I hate to admit... is not always. He is fantastic. When I’m down, he’s down. When I’m mad, he’s mad. It’s almost like I’m in control of the whole emotional rollercoaster. But, I have been like this my whole life. I feel like I have a mental disorder or I suffer from depression and I’m really good at hiding it and deflect it with anger. I just don’t know how to cope with myself. I am more interested in a holistic approach to things. I am taking CBD, I listen to guided meditation, walking more and I have talked to a therapist which I hated and never went back 😭 Talking to family/friends sometimes makes it worse. The CBD is helpful, so is the guided meditation - but I’m on a real down right now and I rely on my other half to lift me up and when he doesn’t I get upset. Let’s be real here, even I know that IM IN CHARGE of my own emotions, not him... not my family, not friends, me.... I am. So, it’s tough. I know I’m wrong for feeling that way, but I can stop feeling that way. SOS. I sound crazy, I promise I’m not lol

[melancholy123 429]

I don't think you are crazy but I do think you need to see a therapist. If the previous one was not helpful, then try another one. I'm concerned about all of this fighting you say you and your other half do, that is never good.

[Capricorn3 847]

I do think you need to see a therapist. If the previous one was not helpful, then try another one.

I agree with the above. If you've been this way your whole life then I highly doubt you'll be able to overcome it on your own. If you want this to change then you need the help of a professional (imo).

[Wiseman2 2,218]

Many people suffering with mood disorders don't get diagnosed until later in life and have suffered on "an emotional rollercoaster" for years.

 

You need to see a physician for a complete workup and a referral to a licensed therapist for supportive care.

 

People suffer for years using the do-it-yourself approach you are describing. Stop self-medicating and get to the cause and appropriate effective treatment.

[MissCanuck 924]

The first step is recognizing your own role in this, which you seem to be doing now. So, that is positive.

 

As the others have wisely suggested, a good medical check-up and therapist are likely your next best steps. Something as deeply-ingrained as this behaviour seems to be is very difficult to manage on your own. Qualified and compassionate professionals can be an excellent resource though. I would go there next.

[DancingFool 1,410]

The best and kindest thing you can do for yourself is get a proper diagnosis by going to a doctor, getting full physical diagnostics done and then a good psychiatrist, as in MD, if nothing physical is found.

 

Once you are clear what specifically your issue is, then you can decide on treatment. Even if you want to stick to holistic treatments, you can't do it successfully if you don't know what it is you are trying to treat. Getting a proper diagnosis is critical. Also, consider working with a DO doctor as they focus more on the whole body and mind, holistic approach to medicine which can be effective if that's what you prefer or are more comfortable with. At least you will get proper guidance and medical support in the way that you want. Blindly medicating yourself with the current latest fad is really not going to get you the result that you want.

 

In terms of therapists....it's like finding the right pair of shoes. You might have to try on more than a few before you find the right fit and the right approach. So keep an open mind for that option as well and don't toss it out just because you had tried one and hated it because it wasn't the right fit for you.

[Wiseman2 2,218]

Unfortunately CBD has been documented to precipitate manic episodes in undiagnosed mood disorders. It is also known to precipitate psychotic episodes in vulnerable individuals who have undiagnosed and untreated underlying mental health issues. CBD is a fad driven by money. It's therapeutic value has a narrow scope.

I am taking CBD

[smackie9 494]

You both are emotionally abusing each other....get some marriage counseling and learn to communicate properly and treat each other with respect and kindness. If there is any metal health issues, seek out help for that as well.

[smackie9 494]

Unfortunately CBD has been documented to precipitate manic episodes in undiagnosed mood disorders. It is also known to precipitate psychotic episodes in vulnerable individuals who have undiagnosed and untreated underlying mental health issues. CBD is a fad driven by money. It's therapeutic value has a narrow scope.

 

I agree with this. CBD/ THC are beta blockers, and prevent anti-depressants from working. My mom is manic but uses it for pain. The side effects are noticeable, ie: her memory is a mess and mood swings are bad...she is denial that it's from the CBD/THC she's been taking.

[Cherylyn 338]

Any relationship or friendship filled with fighting and volatile temperaments is abnormal and mentally unhealthy. You remind me of my mother and sister. As long as I kowtow or tow the line, ingratiate myself, walk on eggshells and remain rather quiet, all is well. She and my sister are depressive types, unhappy with their lot in life and easily belligerent which is alarming. In other words, we're incompatible. Some people lack self control and empathy. They also lack emotional intelligence. Google "emotional intelligence." Without emotional intelligence, ALL relationships and friendships are doomed for failure.

 

I agree, you're in charge of your own emotions. I've become an unemotional person when it comes to dealing with people because emotions cloud your judgment. It's okay to love but being an emotionally charged person in a negative way gets you into a lot of trouble. Step back, think first before you speak and write. Think how it will be received. If you're uncertain and in doubt, remain silent because you'll prevent arguments and fights this way.

 

Learn how to treat people with respect because respect is love for your boyfriend, neighbor, friend, family and everyone. This is what "love thy neighbor" means. It means to treat everyone with respect and consideration. "Do unto others as they would do unto you" means the 'Golden Rule' of treating others as you would like to be treated which is the definition of respect.

 

Stop, think long and hard and change the way you think. It's time to grow up and mature. Become mellow. Calm down. Then your relationships will become more peaceful, harmonious and serene.

 

Also, think about whom you're dealing with. Avoid those who are belligerent, argumentative, gaslighting types and unreasonable. Respect is mutual. Only be with people who treat you right so you can treat them right, too. It works both ways whether friends or family. Keep that in mind.

[Rose Mosse 475]

Any relationship or friendship filled with fighting and volatile temperaments is abnormal and mentally unhealthy. You remind me of my mother and sister. As long as I kowtow or tow the line, ingratiate myself, walk on eggshells and remain rather quiet, all is well. She and my sister are depressive types, unhappy with their lot in life and easily belligerent which is alarming. In other words, we're incompatible. Some people lack self control and empathy. They also lack emotional intelligence. Google "emotional intelligence." Without emotional intelligence, ALL relationships and friendships are doomed for failure.

 

I agree, you're in charge of your own emotions. I've become an unemotional person when it comes to dealing with people because emotions cloud your judgment. It's okay to love but being an emotionally charged person in a negative way gets you into a lot of trouble. Step back, think first before you speak and write. Think how it will be received. If you're uncertain and in doubt, remain silent because you'll prevent arguments and fights this way.

 

Learn how to treat people with respect because respect is love for your boyfriend, neighbor, friend, family and everyone. This is what "love thy neighbor" means. It means to treat everyone with respect and consideration. "Do unto others as they would do unto you" means the 'Golden Rule' of treating others as you would like to be treated which is the definition of respect.

 

Stop, think long and hard and change the way you think. It's time to grow up and mature. Become mellow. Calm down. Then your relationships will become more peaceful, harmonious and serene.

 

Also, think about whom you're dealing with. Avoid those who are belligerent, argumentative, gaslighting types and unreasonable. Respect is mutual. Only be with people who treat you right so you can treat them right, too. It works both ways whether friends or family. Keep that in mind.

 

Fantastic post and points. I agree with this.

 

It's impossible for anyone here to verify whether you have a mental health disorder or mood disorder. From the sounds of things your relationship doesn't sound healthy or positive.

 

If you're having doubts about the relationship, don't sweep it under the rug. See someone if you really are committed to seeking what's wrong otherwise this is an exercise in futility. If you don't really believe there's anything wrong with you at all, have a good, long, hard look at your relationship or the relationships closest to you. It's natural for people to feel crazy, negative, angry and on an emotional roller coaster when there's total disrespect or mutual disrespect in the relationships closest to us.

[Brunette91 3]

My regular doctor is a DO. I chose this doctor deliberately. I have told them about my issues and they told me to see a therapist as well, only problem is the cost.

[bluecastle 958]

It's natural for people to feel crazy, negative, angry and on an emotional roller coaster when there's total disrespect or mutual disrespect in the relationships closest to us.

 

Just going to highlight this because it articulates a thought I had while reading your first post. Not sure how old you are or how long you've been together—though I'm curious!—but in my experience an unhealthy environment (be that a job, a city, or a relationship) can really take a toll on us. Of course, when we're less than healthy ourselves we may seek a jagged form of comfort in that which is unhealthy: a grueling job, a tempestuous partnership, etc.. Therapy can be great for rewiring some of that, so we avoid validating and rationalizing certain habits, certain behaviors, be they in ourselves or in others.

 

What struck me in the tone of your post here is that I couldn't quite tell if you're genuinely wanting to change things to wanting some kind of validation that it's okay. People have flaws, life is a rollercoaster, that sort of thing. While I agree with the idea that no human is perfect, and we're all works of progress until the heart stops beating, when I hear about a relationship that is marked by constant fighting? Well, it's like someone describing a job they can't stand working: yeah, the paycheck is nice, but is it worth the spiritual corrosion? I'd say no. I'd probably say that looking for a new job might be as rewarding as going to therapy to teach yourself how to withstand the job that's bringing you down.

 

Not quite sure where you and your relationship fits into that chicken/egg paradigm, but it may be worth thinking about or talking about a bit more here. You sound very aware of things, but awareness in a vacuum is not change, evolution, or growth. It can be stepping stone toward all that, or a way to avoid it.

[Brunette91 3]

Just going to highlight this because it articulates a thought I had while reading your first post. Not sure how old you are or how long you've been together—though I'm curious!—but in my experience an unhealthy environment (be that a job, a city, or a relationship) can really take a toll on us. Of course, when we're less than healthy ourselves we may seek a jagged form of comfort in that which is unhealthy: a grueling job, a tempestuous partnership, etc.. Therapy can be great for rewiring some of that, so we avoid validating and rationalizing certain habits, certain behaviors, be they in ourselves or in others.

 

What struck me in the tone of your post here is that I couldn't quite tell if you're genuinely wanting to change things to wanting some kind of validation that it's okay. People have flaws, life is a rollercoaster, that sort of thing. While I agree with the idea that no human is perfect, and we're all works of progress until the heart stops beating, when I hear about a relationship that is marked by constant fighting? Well, it's like someone describing a job they can't stand working: yeah, the paycheck is nice, but is it worth the spiritual corrosion? I'd say no. I'd probably say that looking for a new job might be as rewarding as going to therapy to teach yourself how to withstand the job that's bringing you down.

 

Not quite sure where you and your relationship fits into that chicken/egg paradigm, but it may be worth thinking about or talking about a bit more here. You sound very aware of things, but awareness in a vacuum is not change, evolution, or growth. It can be stepping stone toward all that, or a way to avoid it.

 

Thanks for your response, I actually find it very helpful. I want to change myself, I’m sick of being insecure but I feel like I’m stuck in this constant cycle of negativity and I can’t get myself out. My insecurities get the best of me 90% of the time and not saying my BF is perfect, but I think I cause a lot of our issues. I could really benefit from therapy, but money is an issue at the moment. We have been together 3+ years and in our late 20’s. Sometimes when one bad thing happens, I take it and let it eat at me inside and then spew it out on him mainly, but others too. Covid hasn’t helped me in the slightest, lol. I know someone on here said CBD doesn’t help, but I find that it actually helps me calm down when I’m in a negative cycle. If I take it daily, I don’t feel as tense or aggravated or mad all the time. My job? Well... That’s a whole other issue. I don’t love my job either. Obviously solving my problem starts within myself, I just need more emotional control. I can’t change others, but I notice when I’m in a better place - so are the people around me. Maybe it’s just my view that hiders my happiness? I don’t even know. IM A HOT MESS LOLOLOL

[Wiseman2 2,218]

Have you had a complete check-up? A DO has the same diagnosis and treatment rights as an MD. Many psychiatrists are DOs. It sounds like you are adverse to conventional care and prefer self medicating and lashing out at others.

My regular doctor is a DO. I chose this doctor deliberately. I have told them about my issues and they told me to see a therapist as well, only problem is the cost.

[Rose Mosse 475]

Thanks for your response, I actually find it very helpful. I want to change myself, I’m sick of being insecure but I feel like I’m stuck in this constant cycle of negativity and I can’t get myself out. My insecurities get the best of me 90% of the time and not saying my BF is perfect, but I think I cause a lot of our issues. I could really benefit from therapy, but money is an issue at the moment. We have been together 3+ years and in our late 20’s. Sometimes when one bad thing happens, I take it and let it eat at me inside and then spew it out on him mainly, but others too. Covid hasn’t helped me in the slightest, lol. I know someone on here said CBD doesn’t help, but I find that it actually helps me calm down when I’m in a negative cycle. If I take it daily, I don’t feel as tense or aggravated or mad all the time. My job? Well... That’s a whole other issue. I don’t love my job either. Obviously solving my problem starts within myself, I just need more emotional control. I can’t change others, but I notice when I’m in a better place - so are the people around me. Maybe it’s just my view that hiders my happiness? I don’t even know. IM A HOT MESS LOLOLOL

 

No one is perfect or always happy. There are days (Sunday was one of those days for me) where I could not bring myself to do much and it was a struggle to manage mood, stress, emotions and a lot of thoughts, juggling work, personal and family. If you think you need tools from therapy in how to change the way you think or get down under all those layers, you may be onto something. I think taking yourself more seriously and your mental health needs is a priority.

 

Maybe exploring what your relationship with CBD is and your expectations of what it can do for you also lends insight into what you may feel therapy or other outside help can do for you too. You're placing a lot of trust and expectations in outside help for someone who is wanting to work through things holistically. What worked for me was working through a lot of my own issues on my own time and understanding my own cycle of thoughts - positive or negative. If you understand your thought patterns, you may be able to do the opposite of what you normally choose to do. If CBD helps you do this or regain some clarity, explore this. Keep exploring this relationship. It's not enough to take a substance for prolonged periods. Really ask yourself what it's doing for you and whether you need it every day forever.

 

If you like parts of yourself focus more on those. If you like certain parts or versions of you when you were doing certain things, pursue doing more of those things. It doesn't mean that negative thoughts don't come. They are always there. The difference is just knowing when to be patient with yourself and riding it out. Don't overreact to them, sometimes a reaction isn't even necessary. They ARE there and they will seem overwhelming and suffocating but let the moment go. If you feel yourself reacting and reacting and reacting, you're never giving yourself a chance to recover or coast.

 

Being angry or upset is not a bad or unhealthy thing. Managing that anger and learning how to share that constructively builds trust. Spewing it out breaks trust. There is a very real possibility that in addition to low self-esteem, the trust in your relationship (trust in each other to see the best in each other) is actually corroded badly if this pattern has been going on for some time. I struggle to fathom how your partner is in any way emotionally still checked into the relationship with this level of negativity and hurt going back and forth. The old patterns of thinking and the negativity have to change. If you don't feel strong enough to practice how to do this on your own, definitely seek help or keep practicing more mindfully. Some part of you has to absolutely want to break these patterns or overcome them if you're going to do it without the aid of medications or "holistically", as you say.

Edited July 15, 2020 by Rose Mosse

[Realitynut 164]

After the fiancé dumped me for another woman....back in 2010....what brought me here, I was a HOT MESS too! And before. After a mental health nurse (friend) mention Borderline Personality Disorder, I read up on it. Had never heard of it. Spectrum illness. Emotions go from really up.....and crash at the drop of a hat. I went to a Dr. cuz I didn't want to say I had BPD, if I didn't. He told me he 'didn't have time for "somebody like me", and shoo'd me out of his office". I was crying. Said i'd been messed up since 7th grade. Don't know how he pulled that number out of his head. The whole time I talked to him, he sat with his feet up on the desk. It took me 4 months to get into him. A psychiatrist. I was going to try another doctor, but I was fighting depression at the same time. So....

 

So....not all Dr.s have the answer. And not all counselors are good at what they do. Just throwing that out there....Read up on it and see if anything sinks in. Russia had been thinking of changing the name Borderline Personality disorder, to deregulation of emotions. Emotions all over the place.