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My ex said that friendship is our only hope for reconciling.


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I am currently going through the motions after a breakup. I have implemented no contact and I haven't reached out to my ex. Every day was hard but I was determined to make personal changes to become a better person and work on my life. A little shy of a month later my ex contacted me and it took me completely off guard. We texted back and forth casually until one day my anxious feelings drove me to ask what his intentions were. I told him that I needed to look out after myself and have an understanding as to where he is coming from.

 

At that point, my ex asked me to call him... and I just blew everything. My feelings came flooding back. A month wasn't enough time to heal and be prepared for this conversation. I showed my cards and told him how much I missed him and how I would like to take things slow between us. He told me that he was extending an olive branch for friendship, because working on that is working on us. He said that he wanted to be friends for at least 2 years first before even thinking about being lovers again. He told me that the reason why he is thinking about that length of time is because that's how long it takes to make personal changes to self improve. He told me that I didn't love myself as much as I should have... and he also told me he wanted to work on his self. He mentioned that he missed me too, and that he really did enjoy my company ( not sure if he was just trying to be polite or not).

 

A part of me was concerned that he wanted to keep me on a string so that he can do whatever he wants to do and I will be here waiting for a chance. I told him that and he was offended. He said that if I really thought that about him, then I don't know him at all and I can go on my way. I just told him that I was being open so I can have a better understanding. I was also extremely honest and told him that I did not expect for him to contact me so soon, and that I thought that I was getting stronger (apparently not). He mentioned after talking for hours, that nothing has changed... and that if we were to get back together now we would slip back into the broken relationship we were in. I mentioned that two years is a long time. And he told me that it was "telling" that I thought that and that he doesn't plan on dating anyone else, he just wants to do his own thing. I am (reluctantly) open to working on a us the "long way" through friendship... but in the mean time, I don't want to date anyone else or be intimate with anyone. I'm sexually frustrated and I cannot have him. My last message to him stated "I love you enough to let you go..."

A week later and I still haven't heard from him. I am torn, confused and angry with myself for slipping back into weakness.

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He's still behaving selfishly imo. He wasn't over his ex, got into a relationship with you knowing this and then unkindly broke up with you.

 

Sounds like he's all about what he wants. And that he doesn't care about how his behavior affects you.

 

I would not wait around for two years.

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He doesn't want to get back with you but it's easier to give you this half-a__sed answer of "let's be friends for x years" than to be honest with you.

 

You were a rebound. Think about this, he was with you for one year and could never say I love you. And shortly before you, he was with a woman for 3 years and WANTED TO MARRY HER. Also, he kept in contact with her.

 

You were always second fiddle and you never had his heart. Let it go.

 

Find someone who wants you as you are, for you. Someone who will say that he loves you and mean it and not treat you as second choice.

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I know it hurts. I'm sorry. but in time you will see him for what he is... someone that sets rules and uses words to create some weird dynamic where he's controlling you and keeping you waiting in the wings. aka selfish, self-serving and manipulative.

 

A genuine person does one of two things... 1. be with you whole heartedly or 2. Let you go.

 

Build boundaries for yourself that it iss as always one of these two choices.. with me or not with me. there is no in between... And to be with me requires certain things to meet my needs.

 

Don't fall for hus bs. be glad you have not heard from him. he is a d bag.

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if you seriously maintain no contact for days, months, years, give all the time to yourself , let all these feelings pass without acting or reacting to it am sure you will see that this person is just one person in the whole universe

Why would you not want to find that one who would love you without all this drama who makes your life exciting, each day you wake up , feels all beautiful and full of hope? It takes patience and lot of work on yourself to get there.

I know you will get there, just let this pass, block him and end his chapter, life has better chapters to be written for you, if you keep repeating the same chapter things will never move on.

the greatest lessons are not learned through success, you need to fail, learn and let go.

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Yes it's selfish to say "Let's just be friends for two years" before getting back together. I'm sure you're quite right, it's because he just wants to keep you there. To be honest I think he's very rude. Expecting you to just sit there for two years waiting for him, is he for real?! I think you should just cut off all contact with him for good and block. He doesn't seem to care about your feelings much at all.

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Only a person who is selfish and doesn't love you nor value you would suggest that you stay friends for at least two years before he even thinks about getting back together again. You have proof that this person doesn't value you nor care about your mental well-being at all and would put his need for a plan b over the risk of hurting your mental well-being. You need to put him off the pedestal. No good boyfriend material would ever suggest such crap. He has proven to you beyond doubt that he is not the one for you. You need to completely let go.

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He said that he wanted to be friends for at least 2 years first before even thinking about being lovers again. ).

 

I wouldn't take this seriously, OP, in that I don't think he actually has any intention of reconciling. Not now, and not in two years. He's saying this because he thinks this will get you to hit the road without him having to be more mature and tell you directly that it's over for good.

 

This relationship never had legs to last, girl. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you will put him behind you.

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OP. He has no intention of reconciling or anything else. If he wanted to be with you he'd be with you right NOW. Is your sense of self-worth so bad that

 

" I am (reluctantly) open to working on a us the "long way" through friendship... but in the mean time, I don't want to date anyone else or be intimate with anyone. I'm sexually frustrated and I cannot have him. My last message to him stated "I love you enough to let you go...""

 

Follow the good advice given you on this and your other threads. Block him completely, on all media, including phones.

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Sorry for what I know is a lot of hurt and confusion right now. Have to ask: When you write all that down, does it by chance become more clear to you how corrosive and lopsided this whole thing was/is? I've found that when I've posted here, and found that clarity, sour as it is, to be empowering and clarifying.

 

What he's suggesting is not a road to a romantic reunion, or even friendship, since it's a suggestion that negates your agency and humanity completely. It's rude and selfish, to the point where my most generous take is that he's just so immature and lost in his own emotional sauce that he can't see up from down. Like asking someone to commit to working a job for free with the hope that in 700 days they might make a dollar, it's an exploitative proposition that will leave a desperate person more broke, more lost, in greater debt.

 

Ask yourself some simple questions: Is this how you want to be treated? Is this what you see as the most glorious path to leaving your 20s and entering your 30s? My hope is your gut has a pretty clear answer to those, and that you can use those answers to walk in a new direction: away from him, so you can inhabit yourself. That's the relationship here that is calling out for your heart, best I can see, while this is the one to let go of, for real.

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Wow. What an offer. He'll use you for the comforts and distractions you provide while he grieves his ex and calls you unworthy and in 'need' of 2 years worth of 'work', even while he's 'offended' by the slightest suggestion that you are rightfully looking out for yourself?

 

What's in that for you, exactly? Acceptance of HIS estimation of your worthiness and the privilege of tap-dancing around the periphery of his life while he dictates which of your behaviors are fine, and which are 'offensive' to him?

 

Your letting-go message was a lot kinder than the heave-ho I would have given him, so hold your head high. Nobody can fault you for loving who you love, but some people are best loved from far, far away.

 

Lady, you deserve to find a partner who owns the capacity to see and appreciate your unique value--just as You Are. You deserve true simpatico with someone who offers a trusting balance of mutual feelings and RESPECT. Such a partner will join you in protecting yourself rather than finding fault with you for it.

 

Nobody deserves the limbo-hell of self consciously appeasing a one-way narcissist who expects you to dance like a puppet around his wants while he dishes out criticism mixed with underhanded compliments in order to keep you dangling.

 

Is a subservient two-year walk on eggshells 'around' this guy's ego really how you'd want to live?

 

He's a piece of ...work.

 

Head high.

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What a lousy, sadistic piece of work.

 

Your first instincts were correct, CL. That was your progress and that is you overcoming what he's presenting to you. You shouldn't beat yourself up for telling him you love him. That's what you feel. It doesn't mean that you have to act on it either or react positively to his plan.

 

Trust your instincts more. Everything you're thinking is correct and what you're feeling (indignation, disbelief and fearful) are exactly your instincts showing you what to do. I don't think you have backtracked at all. You've seen in vivid detail now the person he is. If anything, he's just proven (again) what he is and you should realize that he can't help himself. This is the mess that he is and he will never change.

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He’s basically giving you false hope because he’s too much of a coward to be honest.

 

You need someone who will not need a two year break, or hoping to change things about you that don’t fit their needs.

 

You need someone much better and you deserve better op!

 

Block..delete

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I am sorry you are going through this. May I ask how old are you and your ex?

It's is a blessing you won't have to see him anytime soon in the office. By the time you will, you may be in a totally different place.

His charity and condescending suggestions made me quite upset. How very gracious of him!

Please, remove him completely from your life. I promise you that soon it will get easier. You will breathe without that pain in the chest.

On YouTube there are wonderful videos how to go through break up. These videos ....and a few wonderful people here saved my sanity some time ago.

Please stay strong. Please refrain from making him so special. Don't tell him how you feel. After a month, he was checking if the oven is still warm and once he realised it was, he did a step back.

Put yourself first ....as a result of that, this will actually make him wonder....

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I just feel like I did a lot of things wrong in our relationship too. I came off as needy and I was not able to give him his space when he asked for it. Part of the reason why I did that is because I was so afraid of him actually leaving me. I was so anxious and worried throughout a good portion of our relationship that it got in the way of me being a good girlfriend

 

My ex has been extremely honest with me. He doesn't mind if brutal honesty hurts and he says what he means usually. I asked him out right if I should let him go. And he told me that he doesn't have an answer and that he would like to work on us.

 

 

I am 27 my ex is 35.

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There are pluses and minuses in that. No awkwardness at work. But everyone working from home feels isolation and that can magnify things.

Yes we still work together. But we are working home until the end of the year until we return back to the office.
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Please stay strong. Please refrain from making him so special. Don't tell him how you feel. After a month, he was checking if the oven is still warm and once he realised it was, he did a step back.

Put yourself first ....as a result of that, this will actually make him wonder....

 

I agree that I gave him all of the power yet again. I really did want to refrain from doing that, but my strong feelings towards him took over. I know he was doing a pulse check. But now, all of the mystery is gone. I'm not sure why he's get curious again.

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There are pluses and minuses in that. No awkwardness at work. But everyone working from home feels isolation and that can magnify things.

 

I was working from home with my ex until we got into a major argument and told me to leave. Now I am working at home from my moms house and she is absolutely terrified of COVID. She will not allow me to go anywhere. So now I'm thinking about going back to my roommates so at least I can meet friends (while being careful of course), but I don't feel 100% comfortable there either. Everything just sucks right now.

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I just feel like I did a lot of things wrong in our relationship too. I came off as needy and I was not able to give him his space when he asked for it. Part of the reason why I did that is because I was so afraid of him actually leaving me. I was so anxious and worried throughout a good portion of our relationship that it got in the way of me being a good girlfriend

 

I wonder if you can rephrase this, or see it differently. As in: all of the above are clear signs that this relationship was wrong, rather than something you did, or failed to do. The feelings you just described, for example, are essentially irrefutable evidence: nerves, anxieties, fears, neediness. Doesn't really matter if the person stirring these feelings in you is a humanitarian saint or the randiest, most self-involved playboy the world ever did see. When they are the dominant feelings in your spirit they are a sign that you are investing your spiritual currency in a place that poisons it.

 

My heart breaks a bit, I admit, when you say you asked him if you should let him go. That's essentially telling him that he holds all the keys to you, has all the power, which I think he is quite accustomed to. If he wasn't? No way would he have the audacity to share his Two Year Plan. You can call all that "brutal honesty," though from these seats it just looks like complete disrespect.

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I agree, he gets all the benefits. And what do you get? Two years of pins and needles waiting and hoping he picks you.

 

I don't care what BS he told you, this two year plan is for his benefit only. Not yours. It's like he thinks he's some kind of prize and you are going to have to audition for the role of "girlfriend" during that time.

 

Can you even imagine feeling the way you do right now for TWO MORE YEARS?

 

No, nope. No way.

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Exactly Catfeeder:

 

"Nobody deserves the limbo-hell of self consciously appeasing a one-way narcissist who expects you to dance like a puppet around his wants while he dishes out criticism mixed with underhanded compliments in order to keep you dangling"

 

 

I find it horrifying that you would even think this Confused:

 

"I was so anxious and worried throughout a good portion of our relationship that it got in the way of me being a good girlfriend"

 

I wish I knew why you think so little of yourself.

 

I do so hope you are taking on board the good advice given here by the other posters. None of us can tell you what you want to hear.

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