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Not sure if this girl is too full-on


Tinydance
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I'm a 35-year-old woman and I identify as pansexual/bisexual. So I'm attracted to all genders. I haven't been with that many women though and only had one actual girlfriend. I do really want to date women and get more experience. I met this lesbian woman on a dating site. Her messages on the site were quite long and very friendly. We made a date to catch up for a coffee and go on a beach walk. Unfortunately my state had rapidly rising coronavirus cases, so we are now in a strict stage 3 lock down again. This lock down has to be for at least six weeks. So she suggested we just video chat.

 

We video chatted for two hours while having a few drinks of alcohol. Granted I was tipsy, but I liked her. I thought she was cute and she seemed nice and enjoyed the conversation. Afterwards she messaged me saying she really liked talking to me and she thinks I'm gorgeous. She suggested we watch a movie at our own place and have a discussion or video chat about it. I agreed and we're doing that tonight.

 

This woman is 37 and she has a computer science university degree, but she has a genetic autoimmune disease and she hasn't been able to work for ten years. She is on a disability pension. She lives with her Dad and also cares for him because he has the same condition. She does do some freelance work in antiques trading. She also told me she's mildly on the autism spectrum.

 

So the issue I'm sort of having is that I feel like she's kinda smothering me. I know that part of it is that I have a very overbearing mother who never gave me much space or privacy. My Mother used to text and call me all the time even when I lived at home and she was very nosey. For that reason I prefer a partner who doesn't bombard me and gives me my space.

 

This girl sends very long text messages and when I text back, she replies immediately. Also I didn't reply to her really long text for maybe four hours, and she double texted me again. I didn't reply. Not deliberately but I was having a virtual video games night with my friends all night. So this morning she texted me again saying: "Hey I just wanted to check if we're still on for tonight? Also are you OK?" So I replied and said all is fine and yes we are on to watch the movie.

 

I just feel pressured because her texts are very long and she asks me questions which I need to reply to. It's an effort to type a long text back, and then she replies basically immediately. Then because I didn't reply for only four hours, she texted again. Maybe if the texts were short I wouldn't mind texting back and forth more often.

 

On the other hand though we are not actually allowed to meet for six weeks. So I'm not sure if maybe I'm over reacting and she's just texting a lot because she wants to get to know me and keep the momentum going. Maybe she's worried if she doesn't keep up the contact, we won't actually end up meeting in real life in six weeks.

 

I kind of want to tell her to tone down the really long frequent texts, but I'm not sure if that'll come across as rude?

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You have different communication styles. It doesn't make it "bad" it just means in this area, you're not compatible.

 

You'll have to sort out if you will be okay with someone who is like this, or if it's going to become a problem. But to ask her to "tone it down" is probably not the best as this is who she is, and she will probably take it the wrong way.

 

This is how she get's to know you and enjoys talking with you. If you're not on the same wavelength and find it annoying, then it's more than likely a red flag.

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I have a friend who is like this.

 

Every text or email is long as hell, and filled with questions. I don't use texting as a discussion platform, personally, so I keep my responses short (but polite) as I normally would. In other words, I don't change my preferred communication method to match hers. We can have chats in person, but not over texting.

 

I realize you two cannot meet in person right now, but I would give her the heads-up that you are not always readily available for texting, and prefer to save conversations for video calls. You mentioned she is on the spectrum so I would first communicate clearly with her what your preferences are, and see if she'll strike a balance with you.

 

If not, you might have to chalk this up to incompatibility and keep moving.

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I don't think you need excuses at this point not to like someone. You may be subconsciously pitying her or feeling sorry for her. She too on the other hand may be very insecure and needing constant reminders or affirmations that you accept her and still want her. Dating an insecure person, whatever gender, doesn't work very well.

 

Switch the gender or sex for a moment. If she was man, would you react differently?

 

If it was a man or a woman without disability, would you also react differently?

 

It may give you some idea of how you feel towards this person and break down why it's so hard to be clear or honest with yourself that this isn't what you're looking for.

 

Before you go down the route reflecting on your childhood, I think it's also a good idea to look at what motivates your interest in dating right now. Is it casual fun/nothing serious or is it a committed relationship/open to a relationship?

 

I think two people should have it on their dating profile or at least establish this in the first date or "meet" whether it's virtual or in person. It works as a reminder to yourself, most of all, what you're looking for so you don't fall into the trap of accepting people into your life who don't share the same ideas of what you're looking for.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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I think it would be unfair of you to use this woman in order to get the “experience” you desire with women.

 

I felt exactly the same - it reminds me of when I was a teenager and wanted to kiss certain guys just for the "experience" - and I'm sure I did at least once, I'm sure I was "practiced" on too when I was a teen - nothing major, basically harmless.

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So her communication style is very long. Nothing wrong with it. Mine is short and direct . I know people with long communication styles who don’t find me very communicative and therefore frustrating. However, when I’m with people I can talk a blue streak it’s just written communication I’m short and the point. But I think that’s because I want to move on to something else.

 

I tend to answer texts as soon as possible because I find it rude when you don’t. Even to shoot somebody a quick text to say I’m not available to answer right now but I will answer you as soon as possible.

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The way I see a text is it it’s the same as if somebody is talking to me face-to-face and if somebody was talking to you face-to-face you wouldn’t stand there and not answer. So if I’m super busy I will give them a quick answer saying I will answer you as soon as I can.

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I don't find anything wrong with someone who texts back right away, or who writes heaps in their texts. I don't judge them as being "clingy". In fact, I just see it as their communication style, nothing more.

 

Some people actually prefer people like this woman when it comes to texting. They like texters who reply back right away and who engage in longer chats/messages.

 

If it was a man or a woman without disability, would you also react differently?

 

Honestly, this crossed my mind too. Would you be judging her so harshly if she were a successful business woman who was jet setting all over the world?

Would you then find her rapid interest and texts flattering instead?

Maybe you see her instant replies as annoying because you see her as someone with no life and someone who has nothing better to do?

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You have a pen pal that is all. Anyone would be lonely and more focused on texting because they have a restricted lifestyle. Her life has been of isolation..work, home, caring for her dad, dealing with her health and mental struggles. IMO this woman needs someone else. Someone with a huge heart, compassionate and patient. You are just looking for more experience with dating women...this gal's situation is too complex, has too much to deal with in her life. You need different is what I'm saying.

Edited by smackie9
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Actually the getting experience with women was more of a throw away comment. If I'm not romantically interested in a woman, I still wouldn't date her. After my ex-girlfriend and I broke up in 2014, I went on a number of dates with women and some wanted to date me, but I didn't feel the same so I didn't take it further. Even recently I'd met a different girl on online dating but I didn't feel a spark in person. She was actually nice and attractive, but she was twelve years younger than I. She was 23 and I'm 35. I found her maturity level a lot lower than mine, which is understandable considering the big age gap. So I didn't pursue that either. I did make the comment that I'd like more experience with women, but I don't know why that was perceived as that I would literally date any woman whatsoever to gain the experience.

 

Actually now it's been a day since I posted this thread and she kept texting me more. To be honest I would call her communication style actually "bombarding". Often she doesn't wait to actually get a response and she continues to text more even though I haven't actually replied. That actually is annoying. And she texts A LOT. The texts are also very long and she asks a lot of questions. I know we are trying to get to know each other but we are not dating, we've never even met in person. I don't think it's wrong to want to take it slower when you only just met the person. And met on video chat, not in real life.

 

Her illness I don't have an issue with actually, I only mentioned it to tell a bit about her. I didn't only talk about her illness, I also said she has a university degree and she's an antiques dealer. I was just describing her. My ex fiance of two years actually had serious mental illness and it didn't bother me in and of itself.

 

However I might think that anyone who constantly keeps texting and texting, even without reply, has nothing better to do. Regardless of whether they have a job or not.

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You have a pen pal that is all. Anyone would be lonely and more focused on texting because they have a restricted lifestyle. Her life has been of isolation..work, home, caring for her dad, dealing with her health and mental struggles. IMO this woman needs someone else. Someone with a huge heart, compassionate and patient. You are just looking for more experience with dating women...this gal's situation is too complex, has too much to deal with in her life. You need different is what I'm saying.

 

Sorry but are you implying I am not compassionate and have no heart? I don't understand why a few people here just assumed that all I want is to use her to get experience with women. Where did I say that? I said I found her cute and enjoyed talking to her on video chat. For that reason I wanted to continue talking to her and getting to know her more. If I had zero attraction and zero interest in her then I wouldn't continue interacting with her just because she's a woman. I still want to date women I actually like, not just literally anybody with a vagina.

 

And regarding having compassion, I am actually a mental health and disability welfare worker. I've been working in that field for seven years and I used to volunteer for a number of years too. And keep in mind that this woman said on her actual online dating profile that she has this serious autoimmune condition, is on the autism spectrum, and she can't work and is her father's carer. She did also say a lot of other things on her profile which I liked and found interesting. If I had no heart then I would just immediately have a problem with what she said about her conditions and I wouldn't have even replied to her message that she sent me.

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I think it would be unfair of you to use this woman in order to get the “experience” you desire with women.

 

I didn't say I didn't like her though. If I actually didn't like her then that would be classified as using her. I said at the start of my post that in the video chat I found her cute and enjoyed the conversation. Beyond that I don't know if dating will work out because I can't actually even meet her in person. I am in a strict coronavirus quarantine for six weeks where the only reason I can leave the house is to go to the supermarket or doctor. I was happy to continue talking to this woman and see if anything develops. This is from online dating so I don't actually really know her. But yes I don't like it when anyone, man or woman, is texting really constantly and even double and triple texting when they didn't get a response. I think double and triple texting is only warranted if they needed an urgent answer. In this case it's just chatting about random things. When I first meet someone I like to take it slow. Maybe text a bit once or twice a day. This woman is texting really constantly and the messages are also very long. So it takes effort to type out every single response, it takes time to comment on everything she said and answer all her questions. Then a few times she didn't get a reply and she texted again. That makes me feel really pressured to keep responding at a fast rate. She replies immediately and obviously expects me to do the same but it's tiring replying constantly because it seems evident she wants the messages to be very long.

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I don't think you need excuses at this point not to like someone. You may be subconsciously pitying her or feeling sorry for her. She too on the other hand may be very insecure and needing constant reminders or affirmations that you accept her and still want her. Dating an insecure person, whatever gender, doesn't work very well.

 

Switch the gender or sex for a moment. If she was man, would you react differently?

 

If it was a man or a woman without disability, would you also react differently?

 

It may give you some idea of how you feel towards this person and break down why it's so hard to be clear or honest with yourself that this isn't what you're looking for.

 

Before you go down the route reflecting on your childhood, I think it's also a good idea to look at what motivates your interest in dating right now. Is it casual fun/nothing serious or is it a committed relationship/open to a relationship?

 

I think two people should have it on their dating profile or at least establish this in the first date or "meet" whether it's virtual or in person. It works as a reminder to yourself, most of all, what you're looking for so you don't fall into the trap of accepting people into your life who don't share the same ideas of what you're looking for.

 

I am looking for an actual relationship with any person, doesn't have to be female. This woman actually messaged me first on the dating site so I responded because I liked her profile. But I do like to have a partner who is fairly independent and lets me be independent too. I have a lot of friends and interests and I want my partner to understand that I also want to spend time with my friends and to do my own things. This is alongside doing a lot of things with them too of course. I think that maybe I perceive someone you're dating constantly texting you as that they actually are not that independent. That they need to be "attached at the hip" to their partner and can't also focus on other things. Someone independent doesn't have to be with their partner constantly or hear from their partner constantly.

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So her communication style is very long. Nothing wrong with it. Mine is short and direct . I know people with long communication styles who don’t find me very communicative and therefore frustrating. However, when I’m with people I can talk a blue streak it’s just written communication I’m short and the point. But I think that’s because I want to move on to something else.

 

I tend to answer texts as soon as possible because I find it rude when you don’t. Even to shoot somebody a quick text to say I’m not available to answer right now but I will answer you as soon as possible.

 

Well the thing is without coronavirus it's not actually always possible to reply to texts immediately. Normally people might be busy doing something. Work, study, spending time with people. I think if you're catching up with family or friends, you shouldn't just be on your phone because it's actually rude. Like, if you're having a coffee with a friend and you keep pulling your phone out and texting, it's bad manners. So I just reply to people when I actually can reply. I was both working and studying so I was a lot busier before. Now my course has finished and I'm in quarantine, so I am actually pretty free now. But otherwise I was a fairly busy person.

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I don't find anything wrong with someone who texts back right away, or who writes heaps in their texts. I don't judge them as being "clingy". In fact, I just see it as their communication style, nothing more.

 

Some people actually prefer people like this woman when it comes to texting. They like texters who reply back right away and who engage in longer chats/messages.

 

 

 

Honestly, this crossed my mind too. Would you be judging her so harshly if she were a successful business woman who was jet setting all over the world?

Would you then find her rapid interest and texts flattering instead?

Maybe you see her instant replies as annoying because you see her as someone with no life and someone who has nothing better to do?

 

Lol Actually I just find it a turn off when someone you've only just met comes on too strong. I like to take things slow and relaxed. I remember in the past I started seeing this guy and he also texted me really constantly. He was actually a software engineer working full-time, so he did have a job. But he texted first thing in the morning and also at night "good morning babe", "good night babe" and all day text after text. I do want to talk to the person I'm trying to date but in a slow paced flow. Same as if you're going on dates. When you only just met, you don't go on a date every day. You might only go on a date once a week. With texting I'm happy to send a few texts back and forth every day or every other day, but it doesn't have to be all day long constant back and forth.

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Honestly, it sounds like you're incompatible then. It's not something that will change drastically and I always think to myself, that if something about them is annoying straight away like this, normally more comes along.

 

Maybe just keep her as a friend and let her know it's not going to work out. Then at least she can get back on the dating site and find someone else to text.

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Well the thing is without coronavirus it's not actually always possible to reply to texts immediately. Normally people might be busy doing something. Work, study, spending time with people. I think if you're catching up with family or friends, you shouldn't just be on your phone because it's actually rude. Like, if you're having a coffee with a friend and you keep pulling your phone out and texting, it's bad manners. So I just reply to people when I actually can reply. I was both working and studying so I was a lot busier before. Now my course has finished and I'm in quarantine, so I am actually pretty free now. But otherwise I was a fairly busy person.

Just différence of opinion. I have a day home 12 hours a day. If my mother text me I will still respond and say hey look i am making lunch I will text after daycare closes. Talk then . Love you.

 

I don’t consider that rude to the people I am with as it literally takes 30 seconds and it is respectful to my mother.

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She and you are not on the same wavelength. I think the longer you keep this up the more she'll be making a fool of herself and the more surprised you'll be by her behaviours. Be kind to each other and let her go.

 

Your original question was whether or not to tell her the reason and I don't think you have to. There are a lot of negatives meeting someone on a dating app but one of the positives is the electronic and more modern ways of communication which is via text message. Poor etiquette overall or insecurities aren't a good sign. I think going any deeper than this is not necessary. Keep your momentum going. The point is to meet like-minded individuals. You don't have to be birds of a feather or clones but there should be basic commonalities.

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Well the thing is without coronavirus it's not actually always possible to reply to texts immediately. Normally people might be busy doing something. Work, study, spending time with people. I think if you're catching up with family or friends, you shouldn't just be on your phone because it's actually rude. Like, if you're having a coffee with a friend and you keep pulling your phone out and texting, it's bad manners. So I just reply to people when I actually can reply. I was both working and studying so I was a lot busier before. Now my course has finished and I'm in quarantine, so I am actually pretty free now. But otherwise I was a fairly busy person.

 

I only respond to texts/calls if I am out with someone else if it's urgent and if at all possible I tell the person I am with in advance that I might have to take a call or respond. I think unless you're 100% enthusiastic about meeting in person, let her go.

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I only respond to texts/calls if I am out with someone else if it's urgent and if at all possible I tell the person I am with in advance that I might have to take a call or respond. I think unless you're 100% enthusiastic about meeting in person, let her go.

 

Personally I find it kinda rude and annoying when I'm with someone and they keep texting on their phone. I guess sending a quick text to say "Sorry I'm busy, I'll message you later" is OK. It's a thoughtful thing to do but I also think not necessary to say "Sorry I'm busy right now" because it's kind of implied that you probably are busy if you haven't responded. Then you can just respond as soon as you can. If someone hasn't responded for more than a day then yeah maybe that's a bit rude. I'm happy to wait for people to reply later that day, or the next day.

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Personally I find it kinda rude and annoying when I'm with someone and they keep texting on their phone. I guess sending a quick text to say "Sorry I'm busy, I'll message you later" is OK. It's a thoughtful thing to do but I also think not necessary to say "Sorry I'm busy right now" because it's kind of implied that you probably are busy if you haven't responded. Then you can just respond as soon as you can. If someone hasn't responded for more than a day then yeah maybe that's a bit rude. I'm happy to wait for people to reply later that day, or the next day.

 

I don't like being interrupted if I'm talking unless it's for an urgent text. I stopped calling a certain friend on the phone because she would put me on hold constantly for non-urgent situations - more than once in the space of less than ten minutes. My sort of last straw was when she interrupted me mid sentence because her adult daughter had a question about whether her mac and cheese in the fridge would be fresh after a few days. I put my phone completely away when I am with someone unless I know I will need to respond (like I tell friends 'I have to check to make sure it's not the school calling")

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LOL...i didn't know that you weren't suppose to text again, if the person hadn't answered. I'm a long winded person, in writing, and verbage! lol. Sometimes I'll text a bunch....send....then remember something else I wanted to say. Or....when I had an actually bf, Anytime during the day, if I thought of something I wanted to tell him...I just told him. By text. I didn't expect a reply right away. That's why I like text, they can respond anytime they want. Even if I've sent 3 texts...not of course saying...hey, what's up....why aren't you responding!??? I have a feeling your new friend was excited about your virtual chat, and probably doesn't get a lot of opportunities to meet people. She's not busy online gaming...just sitting home with dear old dad.

 

So....if her texting style drives you nuts now, it will really drive you nuts as time goes on. I would just tell her, I'm not on my phone all the time, and I prefer only short texts. And see what she does. She's asking all these questions, because that is what you are 'told' to do....ask questions to let them know you are interested. I would say, ya know, I really liked our chat, but I like things to evolve a little slower.

 

Good luck......oh. I was on a pof site...(see??? another text) and I wrote a bunch to a guy who wrote to me first. He then responded...I think you talk to much for me! ugh.

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