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Wifes freind staying for extended times


Tschafer

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Good day everyone. I was hoping to get some help with an issue we are going through. My wifes "best freind" ends up staying over for extended periods of time, it has been anywhere from a few days to weeks. When this occurs my other half puts all her focus on her from morning to night. She actually shies away from me almost the entire time, if we do get a moment it is only fleeting because as soon as the freind returns she literally pulls away from me and or just gets up to go be next to her again. I have told her over the years that it affects me and if more than a few days my demeanor changes and anyone can see that I am getting uncomfortable. She ends up then getting mad at me always saying I hate her freind but I dont, I have told her that subconsciously I start feeling like I am now second to her freind and I just can't help that. Over time I learned to get along for more days but this time it was 6 weeks and I shut off from them after like 2 or 3 weeks which made her focus even more on her freind. This then became a subconscious toxin which has resulted in us not speaking for a week. Personally i think this would happen in most relationships but she does not understand my point of view. We have two children and i do not want this to get worse but i just can't get over her not sympathising with me. I am looking for advice. I feel like either I am not getting something or she is not so what I am asking help with is... advice to me if i need to realise something i am missing or something to help me explain it to her. For either situation do any of you have any advice or perhaps links to some information that can help us? I really want to get past this. Thank you so much in advance!

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Where is this friend from? Childhood? Far away? Why are this visits this long? Why doesn't your wife visit her occasionally? Do either this friend or your wife work? Who is watching the kids during these extended stays?

 

You've spoken to her but more from a jealous/neglected point of view. Does sex stop when the friend is there? It may be best to state it's an imposition rather than claim she doesn't give you enough attention. Do you think they have more than a friendship going on?

 

Obviously this is a marital problem not a friend problem. Suggest marriage therapy to get the cards on the table with the help of a professional. many people have house guests for extended periods, but in this case it's casing too much discord. Do your friends and family also come for visits? Are her other friends and family nearby?

My wifes "best freind" ends up staying over for extended periods of time, it has been anywhere from a few days to weeks.

 

This then became a subconscious toxin which has resulted in us not speaking for a week.. We have two children and i do not want this to get worse but i just can't get over her not sympathising with me

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Have an at length and in depth conversation with your wife minus all distractions. No kids, no phone, no TV, no computer, no music, no noise, etc.

 

If her friend stays at your house in the future, have a conversation with your wife AND her friend simultaneously. Hopefully, once her friend witnesses discord between you and your wife over this friend, this friend will have the discretion to make her visits infrequent and decrease the length of her stay. Or, cease her visits to your house altogether.

 

I agree with others. Have your wife visit your friend's house.

 

I agree with others. Both of you need professional marriage counseling. Your wife is very controlling and you are an enabler. There is complete lack of respect and love in your marriage which needs to be addressed.

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I think that friend is incredibly rude. I would never even think of staying with a friend who is married with kids for so long. Even with a single friend I wouldn't stay for many weeks, it's imposing and stifling. Maybe for a few days at best. If this friend is going to stay many weeks, she needs to stay in her own hotel or Air B & B. She's mooching off you and taking advantage of you. But the problem is that your wife actually allows it. So the friend continues to take advantage and thinks it's OK. I think you need to be really firm and say it's not OK for the friend to stay so long because it's imposing and you're being pushed out of your own house. Maybe you could do some couples counselling and hopefully the therapist would say the same thing and back you up.

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It feels like a lot of missing information. Would you mind saying more about this friend? The bond or ties she has to her seem a bit extraordinary, almost like a sister through shared experiences or blood relative who has been through some kind of trauma, and your wife has taken her into her protection or is protective of her OR the other way around. There's something about this bond that supercedes the bond in your marriage. There's also something in her behaviour that suggests her friend shows up or appears at times when your wife needs her.

 

What also seems strange is your wife shies away from you while the friend is there, suggesting that there's something this friend knows about the nature or details about your marriage that she perhaps shouldn't know or would be embarrassing to all the parties if it was discovered she knew.

 

Do you have any elements of distrust, manipulation or any other issues in the marriage?

 

How do your children react to this friend of your wife's?

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This says to me "I'm bored with my married life!" She's obviously using this friend as an escape. Defensive? yes because it's like an addiction. She will protect this friendship (he high) at all costs. You can't reason with an addict.

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