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Family visits


Sweet Sue
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Hello guys!

I recently made a 3 hour trip to visit my daughter, who just had a baby 3 months ago. This visit gave me the chance to see my new granddaughter and grandson.

While this should be a happy occasion, I am finding it becoming more stressful with every visit. I don't visit very often, but when I do, there is ALWAYS DRAMA.

 

My daughter, who has a severe case of ADHD, and diagnosed with ODD, can be a real challenge.

She lives with her father whose health is complicated by many health issues, and just recently after her SO, bailed on her before the baby's birth, she has allowed a friend to move in with her, along with friend's 9 year old son. The friend (a female) is staying there to help my daughter with the baby.

 

After this recent visit, I feel I can no longer stay at her home.

 

Although we had a pleasant time together, it's the drama that is going on at different times of the day. There seems to be a tremendous amount of conflict, yelling, screaming, at one another--not at me---in addition to the unsanitary living conditions. I am not expecting her house to look in pristine condition, but I will take a messy house over an unsanitary one. The entire home smells like urine. The odor is over-powering enough that it is nauseating. There are four animals that live there.

The combination of the arguing, shouting matches, and the unsanitary living conditions....resulted in my decision to shorten my visit. The woman friend who she said is there to help did not lift a finger the whole time I was there. She just sat on the couch watching tv or sending text messages. I did not say one word to her about this or anything that happened while I was there. I simply retreated to my room when an argument started heating up.

 

I just want to enjoy my visit, but feel it's not going to be possible.

 

I really don't think I can stay in her home anymore, but at the same time, I DO WANT TO SEE HER AND MY GRANDS. I know it will hurt her feelings if I don't stay and I don't want to cause more problems.

 

This is not a new problem. This has been going on for years, but only seems to be getting worse with time.

 

I left and checked into a hotel.

 

My question is, HOW DO I TELL HER I WILL NOT STAY AT HER HOME ANYMORE. :-(

 

Thanks!

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Tell her that you understand she has limited space so in order to not burden her further you will be staying at a hotel when you visit.

 

When I lived out of state my relatives were always telling me I could stay with them. I never did, because I was used to living alone and liked to have my own space where I was free to spread out as much as I wanted. When I explained this to them they were completely understanding.

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Tell her that you understand she has limited space so in order to not burden her further you will be staying at a hotel when you visit.

 

When I lived out of state my relatives were always telling me I could stay with them. I never did, because I was used to living alone and liked to have my own space where I was free to spread out as much as I wanted. When I explained this to them they were completely understanding.

Not even that. Just say you prefer a hotel. All familial and friendly guests know they're welcome to crash at our house free of cost. Still, there are a few who prefer getting a hotel room. We don't even have kids, dogs, or a tumultuous marriage to complicate anything. We invested more in guest bedding than we did our own (not that we don't appropriate it in between visits). Doesn't gotta be about burdening or not burdening us. Some folks just prefer their own space, even if it comes out of pocket. Your daughter's got her own end of things, but I doubt she's deficient. Just let her know you missed your evening of a hot bath and shows, and that you'll be around in the morning.
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Your daughter lives with her father? You don't need to comment on her living arrangements or announce that you won't be staying with her so she asks you "why?" and then you tell her why.

 

Knowing this is an ongoing problem and that you do not visit often, just stay in a hotel again next time citing some sort of reason other than you think she and her roommate and your ex are slobs..

This is not a new problem. This has been going on for years, but only seems to be getting worse with time. I left and checked into a hotel. My question is, HOW DO I TELL HER I WILL NOT STAY AT HER HOME ANYMORE.

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Precisely, sue.

"This is not a new problem. This has been going on for years, but only seems to be getting worse with time.

"

 

Knowing what you always knew about the ongoing situation perhaps a better idea to go straight to a hotel in the first instance.

 

Next time (if you really want a next time of more of the same) then just go straight to a hotel, book in, no further explanations.

 

Take care

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Whenever I make a decision without disclosing details, I never explain. Just do it. Tell her that you will stay at a hotel, visit and then go back to your hotel. After that, you will travel back to your home. These healthy boundaries for yourself will help save your sanity.

 

I never explain myself anymore. I do what I want, when I want and I don't allow anyone to get in my way. I don't need anyone's approval nor permission to do as I will. Have a new mindset and you will be a changed person. Change the way you think because this new way of thinking will make you feel self confident, secure and you'll have higher self esteem than ever before.

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Well, without outing the elephant in the room (and its odors), just say you get better rest at a hotel.

 

Of course, as the mother/grandmother, why don't you just help cleanup and or offer to get cleaning products?

 

How come you can't ask your own daughter why she lives in filth?

 

And as for the leech of a "friend" parked on the couch, could ask her to join you in mopping the floor.

 

I don't know why tiptoeing is the best course.

 

If it were me? I'd even enlist the grandkids to help clean.

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My daughter, who has a severe case of ADHD, and diagnosed with ODD, can be a real challenge.

She lives with her father whose health is complicated by many health issues, and just recently after her SO, bailed on her before the baby's birth, she has allowed a friend to move in with her, along with friend's 9 year old son. The friend (a female) is staying there to help my daughter with the baby.

 

it's the drama that is going on at different times of the day. There seems to be a tremendous amount of conflict, yelling, screaming, at one another--not at me---in addition to the unsanitary living conditions. I am not expecting her house to look in pristine condition, but I will take a messy house over an unsanitary one. The entire home smells like urine. The odor is over-powering enough that it is nauseating. There are four animals that live there.

The combination of the arguing, shouting matches, and the unsanitary living conditions....

I know I may get flamed for this, but I would call CPS as this is no way a baby/children should be brought up in such an unsanitary environment together with all the screaming and yelling etc etc. It sounds horrendous. My heart goes out to the children. It's just not right (imo).

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Boltnrun--Space is not an issue, she lives in a large house. The issues are the unsanitary conditions, arguments, shouting, and more. I know it sounds easy to simply say that I am going to start staying in a hotel, so that I don't burden her, but I know she really likes having me there, despite what is going on. I don't think she is aware of how uncomfortable I am with every visit. I manage to keep them to a minimum. I also know it will hurt her feelings as well as my grandson's feelings. He and I have are developing a close bond.

Add to that, the fact that after all these years, I suddenly decide not too burden her. Whatever I decide, I know she will be very upset and will try to find out the real reason I don't want to stay. I want to avoid that at all cost.

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Hollyj.......she argues with her dad. They argue over just about anything. She yells at her son a lot and he lacks proper supervision. He does his own thing. He doesn't like to play baseball so she belittles him in front of people and makes threats about taking his video games away unless he does such and such. It's embarrassing to him and I feel bad for him. Her father is sick, yes, but works from home. She plans to get a job and has had a job offer, but due CoVID, they have suspended hiring for the present time.

I know it will hurt my grandson's feelings and hers as well, but I don't see any other way. I am just looking for a good reason to get out of staying there.

She did work for a time, but returned to college where she graduated last May 2019.

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j.man.....Yes, I could say that, but she would come back with, "I have a nice large garden tub that you can use." Then she would guilt trip me if I stated I preferred my shows over spending time with her and the grands. I am really in a pickle with this one!

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jimthzz.....as her mother, I do help with the housework. The first night there, I went into the bathroom to take a shower, but the odor of urine was so bad, I couldn't even use it. So, I found some cleaning products and proceeded to clean her bathroom. Still, the odor persisted. I gave up. I took a shower the next morning in her bathroom.

I have dusted, vacuumed, washed dishes, tidy up her home, swept and mopped, but I feel I only make a dent. With four animals, I notice things she doesn't. I see the poop on the floor and the other 'accidents'. I clean it up as soon as I see it. I don't wait on her. I think one reason the guest bathroom has such a strong urine odor is because my grandson likes to pee on the walls for entertainment. I see the streaks on the walls. It is disgusting.

The friend is worthless and is another moocher. If I were to ask my grandson for help, my daughter would go off on me. Then I run the risk of overstepping my boundaries.

Heck, I got yelled out for kissing my new grandbaby! You have no idea that dysfunction in that home.

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Heck, I got yelled out for kissing my new grandbaby! You have no idea that dysfunction in that home.

 

You do realise that you shouldn’t kiss a baby right?? Are you aware as to why?

 

How long have you been separated from your daughters father and why?

 

And why would you ever stay there in the first instance?

 

Why has your daughter chosen to stay with her father and not your pristine house?

 

There are too many odd flaws in this story that don’t add up to me? Please clarify?

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I agree with Capricorn.

 

"I know I may get flamed for this, but I would call CPS as this is no way a baby/children should be brought up in such an unsanitary environment together with all the screaming and yelling etc etc. It sounds horrendous. My heart goes out to the children. It's just not right (imo)."

 

Sue:

 

You don't need to give any reason. You always seemed scared of your D. If you must go there again then book into a hotel in advance. No need to consult her.

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Sue...I think the more important issue is the safety and well being of your grandchildren. With that said, along with knowing of your daughter's mental health problems, it appears it's time to step in and be a voice for those children, (imo).

 

I'm aware that it's easier said than done, but someone needs to take that first step. In short, it's something to think about...

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The 5 year old pees against the walls for fun? That doesn’t sound normal to me. I think there’s more to worry about than you being uncomfortable while staying at their home. I agree with others who say they are worried about the children’s welfare. While I wouldn’t Call CPS on my own daughter right away, I’d definitely have a come to Jesus with her. Tell her you’ve noticed how unsanitary and toxic the house is. Invite her to stay with you while the baby is little?

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Do you think your 8 y/o grandson or the newborn are neglected? Or is it more of a problem for you personally? You could call CPS and they may review whether the home is suitable and the children are alright. Will your daughter know it is you who called?

This is not a new problem. This has been going on for years, but only seems to be getting worse with time.

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Sue, a few months back.

 

".my 8 year old grandson has been diagnosed with the Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. He is in critical condition with 3rd degree burns on the inside of his body and it coming through his pores causing large patches of rash that turn into very large blisters. Morphine is helping with the pain, but the doctors tell us the worse is yet to come."

 

Has the child been properly looked after since his illness?

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