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Getting back with the mother of my children after being incarcerated.


Inca14
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The mother of my 5 children and I had been together for 8 years before I was sentenced to 7 years in prison for things I did when I was younger(before I met her). She remained strong for the first 3 years, coming to see me every weekend and talking on the phone as much as possible. Then I was moved to a prison far from home and I eventually stopped recieving visits. After 2 years of only phone calls and letters she left me. But I remained in contact with my children by calling once a week.We had been broke up for 7 months when I was finally put in a workrelease program/ halfway house a month ago. After only a week of being here and being able to contact her on the phone she left her boyfriend of 2 months to get back with me. Everything was great for a couple of days. We facetimed and talked day and night. But then she called one day to say she couldn't do it.... Well she got back with the other guy for like 3 weeks and now they broke up again. We still talk but as friends. I get released in mid-september. And I just want my family back.

She says there is no chance of us getting back together, so when we talk I try not to mention it. I do occasionally flirt with her but she has her guard up. She is beginning to lighten up but she is convinced that we will never get back together.

The fact that she was with another man after me being her one and only does bother me. But I understand that she has also been thru alot while I've been in prison. And she did wait 5 years before deciding to leave.... What can I do and say to get the love of my life and mother of my 5 children back?

 

.... I know that you might be curious as to why I was sentenced to 7 years in prison. Well before I met the mother of my children I was involved with gangs. I got into the gang life at a real young age (14 yrs old). I moved to a different state to get away from the gang and that's when I met the mother of my children. Tho I still had gang tattoos, I was no longer living the gang life. Years later my name comes up in a Rico investigation and I was arrested. After 10 months in the county jail the mother of my children managed to get my bond reduced from 500,000. to 30,000. And she bonded me out. I fought the case for 2 years and took it to trial. The mother of my children stood by my side thru the whole process. We felt like I was innocent, I had changed my life and I was now a father of 5 and a family man. Well I was found NOT guilty for count 1 Rico, but found guilty for count 2 conspiracy to commit Rico. My attorney said i was basically guilty by association because my family are involved with the gang. My younger brother was also convicted then later killed in prison....

 

Now I just want to put this all behind me and live a normal life. I want my life back. And am willing to change and do whatever is necessary to get my family back. Your advice and help concerning my situation will be greatly appreciated.

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It may be best to focus on being the best dad you can be rather than attempting to rekindle the romance, until you are more settled and stable.

 

I agree. You should be focusing on getting yourself to a more stable place, and work on a relationship with your kids.

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She says there is no chance of us getting back together, so when we talk I try not to mention it. I do occasionally flirt with her but she has her guard up. She is beginning to lighten up but she is convinced that we will never get back together.

The fact that she was with another man after me being her one and only does bother me. But I understand that she has also been thru alot while I've been in prison. And she did wait 5 years before deciding to leave.... What can I do and say to get the love of my life and mother of my 5 children back?

 

I'm sorry about the loss of your brother, first of all. How is your family coping? Do you have other family members or are you disconnected or advised not to communicate with them due to the case or issues involving the case?

 

She has to lighten up for herself and the kids. No one can sustain doom and gloom forever. If you do care about her, her best interests and the best interests of your children should be in your top priorities. I don't doubt for a second that she still cares for you but misinterpreting that care may end up hurting you in the end. Both of you share five beautiful children so keep them in your list of priorities and ensure that they're happy. You have a second chance at reconnecting with your kids and making sure that they have a father who is interested in their lives.

 

Among those top priorities would also be to do well in your work release program and figure out when you can move back into society. How long does this work release program last for and how long do you have to stay in the halfway house?

 

You aren't going to get your old life back. Be real and honest with yourself there. A lot of time has passed and while you were in prison, your partner aged and found solace in other relationships. She grew emotionally without you. Your kids have grown older also and haven't had a father with them. Getting to know your family again and the new people that they have grown into will be a great feat.

 

If you can focus on them as people and focus less on what you want out of them, I think this may make this transition period go a little smoother for you. Your past life is not going to snap back to you like a rubberband, unfortunately. Too much time has passed.

 

Mourn, grieve, yes, do look for a counselor or someone you can speak with. Find resources to help you adapt to new life outside of prison. You're going to experience a lot of change. Don't keep it inside you and let your resentments and frustrations brew or turn back to gang life. This time has to be different if you want to be there for your kids. All the old patterns and ways of doing things of thinking of things have to change.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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It’s interesting that you only refer to her as the mother of your children. It seems like she viewed you as a partner during the first half of your time served. Did you see her in the same light or only as your childrens’ mother?

 

As others have mentioned, your first priority is rebuilding a solid connection with your children. The mother sounds like she is in not in a stable state of mind right now. Getting involved would likely result in her going between you and her boyfriend. That’s definitely not what you need when trying to get your life back in order.

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I'm sorry for your tremendous loss, Inca14.

 

I agree with others. Concentrate on being a great father. You can pray that the mother of your children will take you back into her life and it's all you can do. You can't force her to love you and live with you. Give her lots of time to think for herself and if she continues to decide that you two are no longer a couple, then be gracious, back off and co-parent. In the meantime, get your life together, work hard and stay focused on living a normal, hard working life.

 

As for changes, changes are something you do quietly because it's the right thing to do. It's not about proving to the mother of your children that you are a good man. Being a good man is something you do for yourself. Whether it's the mother of your children or anyone, she or anyone will observe that you are putting forth the sincere effort to be a decent human being. No words are necessary. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Remain humble, work hard, keep your language clean for life, set a fine example to your children, co-parent, be an amazing father and this is how you will live a good life. This is how you can look at yourself in the mirror everyday knowing in your heart that you're doing the right thing. All the best to you.

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My family is still hurting over the lost of my brother. But they are doing a little better. I occasionally hurt also, but I try to stay positive. I will be released in September and I know I will not be able to get my life back. But just as she's grown I've grown also and I believe that things can be better than before. I will concentrate on having a successful reentry into society. And pray that everything works out the way I hope it does. Thank you

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My family is still hurting over the lost of my brother. But they are doing a little better. I occasionally hurt also, but I try to stay positive. I will be released in September and I know I will not be able to get my life back. But just as she's grown I've grown also and I believe that things can be better than before. I will concentrate on having a successful reentry into society. And pray that everything works out the way I hope it does. Thank you
Reading your story and what you've been through. wow. I'm sorry about your brother. That is heart breaking.

 

Best thing you can do now is focus on yourself, the kids and having a healthy co-parenting relationship with their mom.

 

I would try to remember you all have been through a lot. And now, you all deserve some peace and happiness. whatever that is. you know what I mean?

 

Happiness has to be a choice. To wake up and see the day as a gift and just be open to receiving, while giving your best, to get your life on track, in a stable way, that makes it possible for your kids and love to thrive.

 

Maybe it will come around again for you and this woman. Maybe you'll just be two people who share children and a deep affection for one another. That's the best case scenerios...

 

I know one sounds much better than the other. but you just don't know. what and who waits for you in the future. Maybe you will find love with someone else.

 

Don't hold yourself back by holding on to the past. you've both changed and you just have no way of knowing what or how this will all go. stay positive and keep on keeping on, as I like to say.

 

wishing you the best!

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My family is still hurting over the lost of my brother. But they are doing a little better. I occasionally hurt also, but I try to stay positive. I will be released in September and I know I will not be able to get my life back. But just as she's grown I've grown also and I believe that things can be better than before. I will concentrate on having a successful reentry into society. And pray that everything works out the way I hope it does. Thank you

 

You are doing the right thing. You've grown up a lot and had time to think long and hard regarding how you want to be for the rest of your life. This is your second chance. Count your blessings. You're not like the other guys whom you left. You will be free and this is your time to start anew.

 

You are intelligent, you'll get settled and lead a stable, honorable life. It will be an honest living. I agree, in the meantime, co-parent and be a friend. Keep in mind though, follow her lead. If she wants a friend, be a friend. If she doesn't want a friend, follow her cue, back off, continue to remain respectful, give her space and concentrate on being an amazing father.

 

I'm sorry for your and your family's pain. In his loving memory, you will become your own honorable, very decent man. This will be your healing process. You and her have matured and you are right, concentrate and stay focused on your reentry to society. Prayers will give you strength and wisdom. Best to you, Inca14.

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You mention you were found guilty because of family association.

Were you guilty? Or were your family?

You seem to be still in touch with your family?

 

I get that you left the gang , did your family also?

 

When you are released , will you return to family?

 

The reasons I’m asking are because it seems like you want to return to the fresh start you made years ago , but that’s not an option.

 

It’s very sad that you were involved in a gang at 14yrs of age , but great that as an adult you escaped it. However , you were clearly tried as an adult. And for that you need to accept , but your post suggests you believe you were innocent?

 

Upon your release , if you go back to family , I fear that you will downward spiral?

 

What are your options?

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Besides the good advice of the other posters, I'd say that after you establish your own life on the outside, and get into a nice rhythm of co-parenting, if you two decide to reestablish a romance, act as though you're newly dating. Don't move in together right away. See each other a few times a week as a couple. And just as you should with a new partner, don't make any major decisions like moving in together until you've been together at least a year. This will give you both time to make sure the new sparks don't fade and can deepen into a more serious stage. Too much too soon, going from never being together to too much togetherness, would be the worst move you could make. Good luck on the next chapter of your life!

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I would rewire my vocabulary and my brain away from the idea of trying to 'get' the woman back.

 

She needs to voluntarily want to come back, and the only way for both of you to trust such an outcome is if it comes strictly from HER, and without any manipulation or influence from you.

 

Otherwise, what's to trust?

 

I'd refocus on surprising everyone, including myself, with my resilience and my ability to bounce back from this to create a stable and wonderful life for myself. From there, you can extend this to your children. Whether it will eventually inspire your ex, that's got to come from her.

 

Head high, and take baby steps.

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You aren't the person you were when you met and had kids.

the best thing you can do is to prove to your kids you are a good dad.

Find work to support them, find one of those programs that fund the removal of gang tattoos.

you have a chance to start over.

You may never get her back. You might, who knows.

But your priority is your kids and becoming a productive member of society again.

Do not blame anyone else for your past actions, and move forward.

Get a certification or try to be accepted to an apprenticeship in a trade - anything to improve

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It’s interesting that you only refer to her as the mother of your children..

 

 

Exactly. She is not referred to as your wife, ex wife, girlfriend, ex girlfriend, love of your life, only baby mama.... so.....how do you turn that around? Not to say you are guaranteed to get her back, but how do you change your mindset about her respectfully in seeing her as your ex-love, etc vs just a baby mama?

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My family is still hurting over the lost of my brother. But they are doing a little better. I occasionally hurt also, but I try to stay positive. I will be released in September and I know I will not be able to get my life back. But just as she's grown I've grown also and I believe that things can be better than before. I will concentrate on having a successful reentry into society. And pray that everything works out the way I hope it does. Thank you

 

Good for you. You seem like a very respectful person. The way I read you speaking about her as the mother of your children is a form of respect especially in cultures where family is everything. Keep things as respectful and civil between her and you for the sake of your kids. Stay focused on September and beyond. I don't know what any implications are with your family and what sources of support you have outside of family but keep things clean and on the straight and narrow.

 

You should stay cautious and guarded once you're released. Start speaking now with counselors for other resources for help and support even after September. Don't relapse into the things that got you locked up in the first place or start mixing with the wrong crowd. Wishing you all the best.

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