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I might have the opinion that the way he's behaving only has to do with the fact that he's been alone for so long and needs or needed stimulation, etc.

 

But I am seeing deeper issues here with him not being too reactive to the pics you sent and him going soft on first attempts at sex.

 

Something definitely more going on here.

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Unfortunately, you really don't know him very well after talking 8 mos and one visit. It may be best to stop investing this much or planning out a future.

He came to my city to see me and we stayed together at my place for 4 days. I had kept an open mind to allow things to flow naturally without expecting much but apart from a few mins of awkwardness when I first saw him it was a smooth ride. Looking back we still talk about all those moments and look forward to being together soon.
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I get what you guys are saying and I agree with the part that this behavior might not change. It’s a bit confusing to me as he is a completely different guy in person

 

But this is the very heart of the problem - you don't really know what sort of person he is yet. 4 days together in real life is nowhere near enough to make an informed guess.

 

What you are seeing with his internet activity is part of him. He is the kind of guy who ogles other women on social media and likes to look at porn stars. Your anxiety is sky-high not because you're over-thinking, but because you're realizing he's not quite who you thought and it's disappointing. You're still learning about who this man is and you're starting to discover certain things you don't like. That's normal in dating, but the problem you two created for yourselves is that you committed to each other before really understanding who you are committing to.

 

You bought the house before having a good look around inside and shining lights into dim corners and checking the foundations, to put in another way. You've just found that there are some spiders in one of those corners, dressed up like porn stars. Turns out the guy you bought the house with likes those spiders and in fact invites more spiders into the house. Not focusing on the spiders doesn't make the spiders go away, OP.

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Your anxiety is sky-high not because you're over-thinking, but because you're realizing he's not quite who you thought and it's disappointing.

 

Yes, don't diminish your own feelings or tell yourself that having "gut feelings" or being cautious, is bad. It's the only protection you have against getting involved with someone who might not be as they first seemed.

Your mind is trying to tell you something. These things are real, and could mean quite serious problems. It's not made up and it's not wasteful considerations.

 

He does sound like he has more issues with sex and porn then he is admitting to.

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LDR's are 80% fantasy, 10% reality and 10% unknown. You are chasing a high. Whatever you have painted this guy is with your imagination, we are seeing it differently. We see more of the truth because we are not emotionally invested. Your gut is telling you something but you want to deny what you are feeling. You then come here hoping someone will tell you everything is ok and nothing to worry about. Nah, My advice still stands.

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Look I think if you're worried you could just ask him. Just ask, do you only follow sexy women on social media, or do you actually chat to them, cyber or video sex with them? I think there is a difference between the levels that people may enjoy porn or looking at sexy pictures. Simply looking at porn is not necessarily wrong or addiction , it's just a personal enjoyment. Are you OK with watching porn or do you dislike it yourself? If you actually don't like porn and he does, this actually is a fairly big issue because you'd be incompatible on something major. Looking at porn is not addiction unless it takes over that person's whole life.

 

I also think there is a difference between just following celebrity porn stars or models on social media, and actually messaging cam girls or having cam sex. This is just my own opinion but let's say a guy likes Britney Spears and he has a poster of Britney Spears in a bikini on his wall, and he follows Britney Spears on social media. That wouldn't actually bother me because she's a celebrity and obviously he doesn't have a chance with her. Him liking Britney Spears is only a fantasy. If he's following models or porn stars, what do you think the chances are that he can actually date those women or even get to talk to them? Very slim.

 

However if he goes on sex sites and he has cam sex with women, that's a bit different. But the thing is you've made assumptions just based on the fact that he follows sexy women that maybe he's a player and he's cheating on you and so on. I think it's no secret that men like attractive ladies. That doesn't mean that in their real life they're cheating and doing all this stuff. For some people following these celebrities is just fantasy. Like if I had a crush on Brad Pitt or something. But obviously I know I have no chance with Brad Pitt.

 

Also sorry if this sounds jaded, but I think even this relationship you have with this guy is also fantasy. I don't actually understand how you can say you are in an exclusive relationship after meeting the person face to face only for four days. That's not really long at all. You have invested in this guy so much, too much. You are not meeting any other guys, you've closed off any other opportunity. You're obsessing about his social media and analysing everything. For what? Someone you met once?

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Look I think if you're worried you could just ask him. Just ask, do you only follow sexy women on social media, or do you actually chat to them, cyber or video sex with them? I think there is a difference between the levels that people may enjoy porn or looking at sexy pictures. Simply looking at porn is not necessarily wrong or addiction , it's just a personal enjoyment. Are you OK with watching porn or do you dislike it yourself? If you actually don't like porn and he does, this actually is a fairly big issue because you'd be incompatible on something major. Looking at porn is not addiction unless it takes over that person's whole life.

I am ok with him watching porn and he has been quite frank about it. I do it sometimes too so that's not an issue. What is bothering me is that when you follow several instagram models, your feed is probably filled with those images and we all know he many times we access social media during the day. One thing i know is that he is doing very well in life with regards to his jobs and getting tasks done. He also regularly spends quality time with his family who live a few hours away.

Say even if i were to ask him if he indulges in cyber sex how would i know that he's being honest with his reply if it's a NO. Therefore, I don't see the point. I think I'll leave it at what it is right now because being apart and bringing up these issues won't do me any good.

 

 

I also think there is a difference between just following celebrity porn stars or models on social media, and actually messaging cam girls or having cam sex. This is just my own opinion but let's say a guy likes Britney Spears and he has a poster of Britney Spears in a bikini on his wall, and he follows Britney Spears on social media. That wouldn't actually bother me because she's a celebrity and obviously he doesn't have a chance with her. Him liking Britney Spears is only a fantasy. If he's following models or porn stars, what do you think the chances are that he can actually date those women or even get to talk to them? Very slim.

 

However if he goes on sex sites and he has cam sex with women, that's a bit different. But the thing is you've made assumptions just based on the fact that he follows sexy women that maybe he's a player and he's cheating on you and so on. I think it's no secret that men like attractive ladies. That doesn't mean that in their real life they're cheating and doing all this stuff. For some people following these celebrities is just fantasy. Like if I had a crush on Brad Pitt or something. But obviously I know I have no chance with Brad Pitt.

 

Also sorry if this sounds jaded, but I think even this relationship you have with this guy is also fantasy. I don't actually understand how you can say you are in an exclusive relationship after meeting the person face to face only for four days. That's not really long at all. You have invested in this guy so much, too much. You are not meeting any other guys, you've closed off any other opportunity. You're obsessing about his social media and analysing everything. For what? Someone you met once?

 

I agree. I never liked LDR's and when we met each other I was almost in the process of moving to his city in a few months which is why I went ahead with the relationship. Things took a turn and neither of us talked about ending it just because of distance. I know it's a bit strange that we became exclusive just after one meeting but it is what it is. It was a mutual decision without much hesitation. However, I feel like i need to focus on myself more now and just let things be. Once I move to where he is we can take it from there. I am not looking to date locally as I know that I won't be here long.

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Look I think if you're worried you could just ask him. Just ask, do you only follow sexy women on social media, or do you actually chat to them, cyber or video sex with them? I think there is a difference between the levels that people may enjoy porn or looking at sexy pictures. Simply looking at porn is not necessarily wrong or addiction , it's just a personal enjoyment. Are you OK with watching porn or do you dislike it yourself? If you actually don't like porn and he does, this actually is a fairly big issue because you'd be incompatible on something major. Looking at porn is not addiction unless it takes over that person's whole life.

 

I also think there is a difference between just following celebrity porn stars or models on social media, and actually messaging cam girls or having cam sex. This is just my own opinion but let's say a guy likes Britney Spears and he has a poster of Britney Spears in a bikini on his wall, and he follows Britney Spears on social media. That wouldn't actually bother me because she's a celebrity and obviously he doesn't have a chance with her. Him liking Britney Spears is only a fantasy. If he's following models or porn stars, what do you think the chances are that he can actually date those women or even get to talk to them? Very slim.

 

However if he goes on sex sites and he has cam sex with women, that's a bit different. But the thing is you've made assumptions just based on the fact that he follows sexy women that maybe he's a player and he's cheating on you and so on. I think it's no secret that men like attractive ladies. That doesn't mean that in their real life they're cheating and doing all this stuff. For some people following these celebrities is just fantasy. Like if I had a crush on Brad Pitt or something. But obviously I know I have no chance with Brad Pitt.

 

Also sorry if this sounds jaded, but I think even this relationship you have with this guy is also fantasy. I don't actually understand how you can say you are in an exclusive relationship after meeting the person face to face only for four days. That's not really long at all. You have invested in this guy so much, too much. You are not meeting any other guys, you've closed off any other opportunity. You're obsessing about his social media and analysing everything. For what? Someone you met once?

 

What are the chances that i will get a honest reply if i ask him about indulging in cam sex? There is no way of knowing for sure. So far he has only been following these models with a gazillion followers and who don't follow him back. Except for a recent pornstar who started following him back but I'm guessing that's to just gain followers. I am ok with him watching porn and he as openly admitted to it as it provide him visual stimulation. He is surrounded by family and friends who are in stable relationships and have their own families. He always talks highly of them so it doesn't seem like he would do something that might go against his upbringing and values. I don't even know if he realizes that people can look at his follower list and see his activity.His own sister follows him too. It may look that I,m making excuses for this guy but i don't want o dismiss what we felt for each other when we met and how well he treated me.

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Are you from his city? Have you been there? Did you have a job lined up there? Can you visit him in his home?

 

Unfortunately it seems you are obsessing over social media pics to distract yourself from the real issue of building entire future and magical romance around someone you've been talking to a few months and spent 4 days with.

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What are the chances that i will get a honest reply if i ask him about indulging in cam sex? There is no way of knowing for sure. So far he has only been following these models with a gazillion followers and who don't follow him back. Except for a recent pornstar who started following him back but I'm guessing that's to just gain followers. I am ok with him watching porn and he as openly admitted to it as it provide him visual stimulation. He is surrounded by family and friends who are in stable relationships and have their own families. He always talks highly of them so it doesn't seem like he would do something that might go against his upbringing and values. I don't even know if he realizes that people can look at his follower list and see his activity.His own sister follows him too. It may look that I,m making excuses for this guy but i don't want o dismiss what we felt for each other when we met and how well he treated me.

 

Personally I wouldn't worry too much about him following some sexy celebrities. It doesn't mean he's actually doing anything. At best he might be jerking to their picture lol

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I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but I can't say that I'm surprised that someone who would commit to an exclusive relationship with a stranger would also enjoy this sort of activity on social media. Different things, I know, but from one angle kind of similar: an approach to intimacy that is more fantastical than actual.

 

Might be worth reflecting on.

 

Can you see yourself being completely happy if you moved to his city and none of this worked out?

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I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but I can't say that I'm surprised that someone who would commit to an exclusive relationship with a stranger would also enjoy this sort of activity on social media. Different things, I know, but from one angle kind of similar: an approach to intimacy that is more fantastical than actual.

 

Might be worth reflecting on.

 

Can you see yourself being completely happy if you moved to his city and none of this worked out?

 

Moving to his city was a decision that was purely mine and the process of it began even before we two connected. My aim of moving there is not just to be with him but to eventually settle down there permanently. I am a working professional and have plans and dreams of my own.

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I made a conscious effort these past few days to not monitor his instagram activity and just focus on our communication over the phone. That's been going great and hasn't changed at all. He makes an effort to call everyday ,most of the time he's the one to initiate the calls. I am going with mu gut instinct here hoping that things are the way they are and his porn-watching habit is harmless. If it starts affecting the relationship it will all surface once we start spending some real time together physically.

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How do you know each other? Did you meet on a dating site?

 

Is there a language or cultural difference?

Moving to his city was a decision that was purely mine and the process of it began even before we two connected.

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