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Dating a quiet, non-communicative introvert?


cwags
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I’ve been seeing this guy for a little over a month now, and things are generally going great. He’s extremely kind and considerate, treats me well, and is unlike any guy I’ve ever dated. When we first starting talking, he came on quite strong and would text me every morning and let me know I was on his mind. He would call me “babe, baby, gorgeous, etc”, and I was a little off-put by how quickly he was starting to call me these things. I think he caught on to my discomfort (probably from the help/hinting of our mutual friends), but I also think he interpreted some of my hesitation as complete disinterest. Ever since then, he’s been texting me less (once or twice a day max) and has pulled away emotionally. I have been trying to make my interest clear and invite him over more often.

 

He’s naturally an introvert, has social anxiety that he takes medication for, and has mentioned before that he’s pretty terrible at texting. He also has a busy work schedule. Taking all of this into account, I understand that he probably just doesn’t have time and prefers not to text and engage in small talk. The thing is, I could learn to deal with his lack of texting if he were more communicative in person, but lately he just hasn’t been speaking. When we’re together he never asks me questions, never is curious about me or my life, and is perfectly content with laying next to me, cuddling in silence. Is this just how introverts are?

 

I consider myself as more of an introvert as well but have only ever dated outspoken, extroverted men who will gladly carry the conversation (I’m more of a listener). I’m glad I’m trying something new, especially with a man who genuinely respects me, but I am going to need a bit more communication and openness from him whether it be over text or in person. I want him to feel comfortable opening up to me. I want our relationship to develop and move forward. This can’t be done if he’s not willing to talk to me. How do I bring this up without making him anxious or putting him on the defensive?

 

Thanks xx

Edited by cwags
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Sorry to hear that. He's losing interest and checked out emotionally but does enough to get sex. This has nothing to do with introversion.

 

It has to do with simply losing steam and fading out. Have fun cuddling, but this is not going anywhere. You can want this and need that, but you can't change or fix him.

Edited by Wiseman2
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It's only been a month and still the time where you are getting to know each other and if you get along. If being with him already feels boring and disconnected, he may simply not be a good match. I don't think introverts necessarily have little interest in talking with their partners.

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Instead of asking someone to change in a major way, realize you're incompatible. Thats the point of dating--to see who meshes well with you and who doesn't. I'm an introvert as well and have always chosen extroverted men. The heart wants what the heart wants.

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Don't use the label "introvert" to excuse or justify bad behavior.

 

The way he came on to you initially sounds more like player and less like introvert with such severe social anxiety that he allegedly needs meds. He had nooo problem chasing after you, pushing way past normal boundaries, and socializing with your friends as well. Now that he backed off, tables flipped. He isn't chasing you, you are chasing him and trying to prove yourself to him. Do you realize you are doing this?

 

Ultimately, when someone doesn't ask you any questions and doesn't take any interest in your life it's not because they are an introvert but because they don't care about you or your life.

 

If this is your idea of being treated well.....what do you consider bad treatment? You might want to think on this long and hard.

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Do you mind me asking if you know when his last relationship ended?

 

Yes, jumping into terms of endearment is a red flag or indicative of something else.

 

Also you want clear communication but your mutual friends are conveying what's on your mind rather than you speaking up or being honest with him. Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to hear from third parties that he's making you uncomfortable?

 

If you want clarity, you're going to have to start with clarity coming from you. I think it's still possible to clear the air as long as no one else is involved except him and you and you start worrying less about what he thinks of you. Be you, do you.

 

Here's what I suggest:

 

Have him over for dinner. Out with the issues and the misunderstanding. Tell him that you're not sure what others may have told him. If you've confided in your friends before speaking honestly with him, apologize for it, because it's none of your friends' business what goes on in your dating life. Leave the peanut gallery out of it and learn to manage your own affairs privately. Tell him how you feel about him and that you want to continue seeing him because you enjoy his company. Right there also establish that you want the both of you to work through any confusion between the both of you only. See how he feels about that or his reaction, or what he says.

 

Second, if the conversation is going well, tell him that the terms of endearment is sweet but it's moving too fast for you. Talk, laugh, joke about what kinds of words or names you like or don't like. A guy who truly is "kind and considerate" will want to know more about you and feel it's refreshing to be able to chat with a woman who knows what she wants or likes. Ask him what he likes too because you like such and such and thinks he'd be a great X (whatever that is). Put the dinner on plates, eat, laugh more, eat more. Get a feel of this man. Is he confident enough to laugh at his own bloopers? Is he stiff as cardboard? Offended? Rude to you? Easygoing?

 

Don't hide behind friends or the grapevine or surface level conversations. If you're spending that much time together, make it count and up the quality a little. Get to know each other more.

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OP:

 

What you describe has nothing to do with being "introverted". IMO there is no such thing anyhow. People are a mixture of introverted and extroverted.

 

Did he tell you:

 

"has social anxiety that he takes medication for"

 

Description :

 

People with social anxiety disorder have a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being watched and judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by their own actions. Their fear may be so severe that it interferes with work, school, or other activities.

 

An individual with social anxiety would hardly come on strong IMO.

 

And to this, the short answer is No. And again nothing to do with "introversion".

 

but lately he just hasn’t been speaking. When we’re together he never asks me questions, never is curious about me or my life, and is perfectly content with laying next to me, cuddling in silence. Is this just how introverts are?

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It's never a good idea to feed mutual friends your concerns about someone, which leads to them butting in on your behalf. That's messy high school stuff, and it looks like they've knocked the guy's confidence.

 

He came on too strong with possibly false confidence, and then your friends advised him to pull back.

 

So now he's pulled way back, and there you are. Awkward.

 

If you're really all that interested in the guy, I'd consider having nothing to lose by trying to reverse the impact of your friends counseling. When cuddling, I'd ask him if he remembers how he used to come on strong when you were first getting to know one another? Then I'd offer, "I wasn't sure about that at the time because I didn't know you well enough, but you know what? I miss it."

 

Then see whether he picks up your prompt and returns to his old self. If not, then you might just need to consider that you're not a good match. If he does make a come-back, see where that leads. If it's too over-the-top, then you'll need to recognize that you can't really find a happy-medium with this guy--but if he blossoms back into the guy who you were interested in, then see where that goes.

 

Head high, but keep other people OUT of your intimate business.

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