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Bothered by my own past and hers, dealing with trust & jealously


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Hey guys,

 

Normally I don't get on these types of forums and just read material online but I'm stuck within my relationship where I know that most of the problems I'm facing are my own past traumas from past relationships as I've got older. The current woman I'm with is very nice, extremely supportive and things were moving perfectly until I found out about her past which I seem to be experiencing issues moving past and putting 100% trust in her.

We have spoken about these issues and she has said that she wants me to love her for who she is now and not who she was back then, she admitted that she's very bad at choosing good partners and has made mistakes.

 

I met her through a mutual friend who I have known for a while, but she has had sex with one in the group (2 years ago, no one likes the dude and she doesn't really talk to him however I did find out before we met he had made a forceful move on her a few months ago which is a reportable incident, she met the group through the first guy.)

 

Another guy in the group she had oral with, this guy has been saying a lot of bad things about her. Both these two people are still on her social media and they're in the group so we can't really dodge them, I'm not sure how to handle this as every time I do see them I get quite angry knowing how they have treated her when I see them. She doesn't care about these people and barely talks to them but the fact they're still on her social media does bother me, because everyone is high school friends in the group aside her and I'm new to it I feel like I have no say. She has asked me not to say anything which I have not.

 

Alongside this, I found out that she had a relationship with an older man that was 20 years older (more like F buddies) but she still talks to this guy, they work together and I assume met through there. They had not been talking until recently where he started messaging her again a few days ago. I know that she has an emotional connection to him due to her past with him, she said he messaged her for work but the next day I see her chatting on her phone to him through texts which I could see as she was sitting next to me so in my mind I was like did she lied to me about the fact they don't talk much anymore?

 

I have brought this up with her and she said that this guy was a big part of her life and he always will be and they will always be friends, she said that they basically used to live together and from what I can tell they used to be very close, I have met the guy because we picked him up one night where he was very drunk, very annoying and from what she tells me he drinks all the time and gambles. (This was before we were dating when I met him)

 

It's a bit of a mess, most likely more so in my head but I'm not sure how I should proceed because I'm having issues with jealously and trust. It feels like these people will always be around our relationship and it bothers me that I'm not able to handle what I'm feeling. Anyone got any ideas of what I can do in handling this?

 

She did say that she didn't want to tell me but knew I would somehow find out in the future about any of these things that have happened to her.

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I don't think your discomfort with her trailing a train load of ex's behind is in any way misplaced. Most people would find this situation uncomfortable at best and unacceptable enough to walk away from the whole mess.

 

The "he is part of the group" is really a poor excuse. The company you keep says a lot about you and who you are. This is the company she is choosing to keep and that applies to the entire group.

 

The harsh reality and probably what you don't want to hear is that if she was really all that reformed and ready for something healthy, all these buzzing flies would be long gone from her life and she'd be busy making better friends and joining other groups of people.

 

It's ye olde - you want to know who a person is, look at their friends. Also, she is telling you straight up that these toxic friends aren't going anywhere, so I think you have a hard decision to make - either accept them all or walk away because this whole situation doesn't work for you and these aren't the kind of people you want to be around.

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We have spoken about these issues and she has said that she wants me to love her for who she is now and not who she was back then, she admitted that she's very bad at choosing good partners and has made mistakes.

 

That's fine. We've all made mistakes.

 

It's how we handle it going forward that makes us who we are and this becomes part of the people we're growing into.

 

I see it from two perspectives:

 

1) She's not ready to let go of her network or circle of friends as regardless of how negative those interactions or unfulfilling, they continue to have some meaning to her. These interactions, past or present, continue to form who she is as a person and her identity. Asking someone to strip these interactions is a bit like stripping off layers of your own identity. They may come off readily for someone ready to let go or it may be a painful and traumatizing experience for someone who isn't ready to let go. Since you've already spoken about this at length, it appears what she's experiencing is of the latter variety. She's not ready to let go of these people in her life. She does have that choice and it's hers to make. She has already made her decision and the reason is because these people still represent something meaningful to her.

 

I used to live with someone who collected exes like they were collectible stamps or a hobby. Six months into living with each other I realized almost every female he stayed in contact with was someone he dated from school or up until the past two years. When I asked him what these people meant to him, he described them as family or as people whom he still loved but was not in love with.

 

2) You're hurt and unable to understand why someone would do something like this or have such a seemingly disorganized view of friendships and exes. I think your emotions and fears are valid as we all are at limited means and have limited time and energy tending to different relationships. A person's choices makes up who they are. Don't be afraid to pick a way of life and stick to it and seek like-minded individuals also.

 

Neither of you have to fit each others' box of what is right or wrong or what what is best for each of you at this time in your lives.

 

Whether she's inhibiting herself from more growth is a question for her and something she should explore on her own but I don't think that should be at the expense of your comfort or peace of mind in a relationship. She is entitled to having whomever she wants as friends. You are also entitled to disagree.

 

Here's a question for you:

 

If you both broke up and she insisted on being friends, would you remain friends with her? If she put you above any man she saw in the future and promised a great friendship, would you remain friends?

 

I ask just to get an idea of what your thoughts are in general.

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So she has a harem of lowlifes in her present. She cares about one, and says she doesn't care about the other two, yet they are toxic and she still hangs out with them and doesn't cut them out of social media.

 

Instead of saying, "I briefly dated this guy," she's showing how crass she is by mentioning blowjobs and FWBs.

 

I get a little disgusted reading all that, and you're living it. You can only choose one woman on the planet to be with and this is who you're choosing? When I briefly dated a guy and started finding out about his harem and unsavory past, the yuck factor had me running out of there faster than the roadrunner.

 

Energy is contagious. Be careful of the company you keep.

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Well the thing is sometimes you do end up hooking up with people in your friendship circle because you're drunk, bored, horny, whatever lol If those two guys are in the friendship group then how exactly can she get rid of them? If she's hanging out with the whole group then they're likely to be there. The important thing is that she doesn't spend much time with them one-on-one. You said she never hangs out with them or talks to them. I wouldn't say that having someone on social media really means anything. Many people just have all these people on social media and it doesn't have any meaning attached to it.

 

Regarding the guy at work, he works there so to not be around him at all she'd have to actually quit her job. That's probably asking a lot. Maybe she doesn't have to talk to him much though.

 

I think really all these kind of situations depend on individual couple dynamics. I have a good male friend who I dated very briefly, then he was an FWB. But the FWB ended three years ago and this guy is in my friendship group. He dated my friend also.

 

I also occasionally speak to another ex (broke up in 2014). They have a partner of 3.5 years. To be honest I've also drunk hooked up with some of my friends but it literally didn't mean anything.

 

When I was with my ex fiance I straight away told him all this when I started dating him. I asked him if he had any bad feelings about it. He said he actually didn't as long as I was always honest and I didn't actually do anything with any of those friends or anyone else.

 

So because my ex didn't have an issue with it, we continued dating. To be honest I wasn't going to end my friendship with those friends because some of that stuff happened many years ago and we were just drunk and silly. Again it depends on each person's own opinion if they are OK with this or not.

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People have pasts. What she has is verbal diarrhea. You don't need to date her. How old is she? She sounds quite insecure and immature.

 

You need to ask yourself what kind of idiot details every bj and hookup they have had

 

However everyone has a past but not everyone keeps former lovers this close or creates this much drama about it.

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That's fine. We've all made mistakes.

 

It's how we handle it going forward that makes us who we are and this becomes part of the people we're growing into.

 

I see it from two perspectives:

 

1) She's not ready to let go of her network or circle of friends as regardless of how negative those interactions or unfulfilling, they continue to have some meaning to her. These interactions, past or present, continue to form who she is as a person and her identity. Asking someone to strip these interactions is a bit like stripping off layers of your own identity. They may come off readily for someone ready to let go or it may be a painful and traumatizing experience for someone who isn't ready to let go. Since you've already spoken about this at length, it appears what she's experiencing is of the latter variety. She's not ready to let go of these people in her life. She does have that choice and it's hers to make. She has already made her decision and the reason is because these people still represent something meaningful to her.

 

I used to live with someone who collected exes like they were collectible stamps or a hobby. Six months into living with each other I realized almost every female he stayed in contact with was someone he dated from school or up until the past two years. When I asked him what these people meant to him, he described them as family or as people whom he still loved but was not in love with.

 

2) You're hurt and unable to understand why someone would do something like this or have such a seemingly disorganized view of friendships and exes. I think your emotions and fears are valid as we all are at limited means and have limited time and energy tending to different relationships. A person's choices makes up who they are. Don't be afraid to pick a way of life and stick to it and seek like-minded individuals also.

 

Neither of you have to fit each others' box of what is right or wrong or what what is best for each of you at this time in your lives.

 

Whether she's inhibiting herself from more growth is a question for her and something she should explore on her own but I don't think that should be at the expense of your comfort or peace of mind in a relationship. She is entitled to having whomever she wants as friends. You are also entitled to disagree.

 

Here's a question for you:

 

If you both broke up and she insisted on being friends, would you remain friends with her? If she put you above any man she saw in the future and promised a great friendship, would you remain friends?

 

I ask just to get an idea of what your thoughts are in general.

 

I will try and reply to everyone as much as I can, just might take a while. So I will reply here for more context, she is 29 about to be 30 I am 33. I've been cheated on before so has she, I also know that deep down she has issues as we have spoken about this and we have been dating for only around 6-7 months now. She know's I have trouble dealing with her past and that I have been emotionally abused, It's hard when you have depression and social anxiety mixed on with past issues. The problem came when we were attending a party that was for my birthday, I told her not to go as these people would be there and as much as she wanted to go she agreed she would not but the host ended up bending my leg and we went and everything was ok. People had been saying things about her and she didn't want to not turn up and be seen as weak for not doing so.

 

We spoke in the car one week before this party was to be held and because it was mentioned in front of me about people abusing her only then did she tell me, she stated in the car she was always going to tell me as she wanted it to come from her and not have things twisted by other people on what really occured - I do know that these two guys are BIG drama queens as I've known them before meeting her for about 2 years. Within those 2 years we never met and she was never around them, she doesn't take drugs, hates clubbing and doesn't drink alcohol at all because she has always been the one to look after others and be used and abused for it. I know her through a friend in the group who is a good guy and the one I mostly spend time with, the others I don't talk to or never go near because as stated I know the type of people I want to be around moving forward in life and have no time for the drama. Both of us try to only go to events where certain people are at and the others are not included.

 

Given past experiences, I would most likely not talk to her if we were to break up. But given she is a nice person compared to my past relationships (I've been through enough to look for certain qualities) It's hard to say how I would react if that were to occur. One guy I asked if she would remove him from social media and she said yes and I assume the same for the second guy as the second talks to the first quite a lot. The third they still talk, how often a day I'm unsure and this one bothers me more because he is always around due to work. She has been at her work for 11 years, hates her job but won't leave. From what I do see, she has got to comftable within her life and has low self esteem (Her weight bothers her), my family is pretty good at reading people and they have said they like her but feel something is hidden with her.

 

I think the third guy came at a time where she had no one else to hang around with or to run too and said that she sees this guy as he is older more of a farther figure. When we started seeing one another nether of us were drunk I met her once and started talking to her on social media more and more. I don't think she's trying to be involved with the drama she just knows and has said it before that she knows others will try and our relationship up.

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There's a lot of drama and social media scouring for dating 6 mos. Pull back and address your mental health rather than policing her.

 

If you're saying I check her social media 24/7 I barely check it at all as I hate social media, dating for 6-7 months very close for almost a year we were close before offically stating we were in a relationship just to clarify. I understand she is her own person, and I'm already moving forward with my own issues.

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his guy was a big part of her life and he always will be and they will always be friends, she said that they basically used to live together and from what I can tell they used to be very close, I have met the guy because we picked him up one night where he was very drunk, very annoying and from what she tells me he drinks all the time and gambles.

 

So a drunk old dude gambler who had sex with your gf will always be present in your life because she chooses to keep him squarely there. She and her friends sound like they are stuck in their early twenties and haven't progressed to more mature lifestyles.

 

Most people grow out of that stage, and ditch so-called friends who create drama and choose to evolve to forming healthier friendships. This is a toxic soup.

 

Your self esteem needs boosting if this is the only thing you think you're worthy of in life.

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his guy was a big part of her life and he always will be and they will always be friends, she said that they basically used to live together and from what I can tell they used to be very close, I have met the guy because we picked him up one night where he was very drunk, very annoying and from what she tells me he drinks all the time and gambles.

 

So a drunk old dude gambler who had sex with your gf will always be present in your life because she chooses to keep him squarely there. She and her friends sound like they are stuck in their early twenties and haven't progressed to more mature lifestyles.

 

Most people grow out of that stage, and ditch so-called friends who create drama and choose to evolve to forming healthier friendships. This is a toxic soup.

 

Your self esteem needs boosting if this is the only thing you think you're worthy of in life.

 

Ok, just going to skip over this comment.

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I will try and reply to everyone as much as I can, just might take a while. So I will reply here for more context, she is 29 about to be 30 I am 33. I've been cheated on before so has she, I also know that deep down she has issues as we have spoken about this and we have been dating for only around 6-7 months now. She know's I have trouble dealing with her past and that I have been emotionally abused, It's hard when you have depression and social anxiety mixed on with past issues. The problem came when we were attending a party that was for my birthday, I told her not to go as these people would be there and as much as she wanted to go she agreed she would not but the host ended up bending my leg and we went and everything was ok. People had been saying things about her and she didn't want to not turn up and be seen as weak for not doing so.

 

We spoke in the car one week before this party was to be held and because it was mentioned in front of me about people abusing her only then did she tell me, she stated in the car she was always going to tell me as she wanted it to come from her and not have things twisted by other people on what really occured - I do know that these two guys are BIG drama queens as I've known them before meeting her for about 2 years. Within those 2 years we never met and she was never around them, she doesn't take drugs, hates clubbing and doesn't drink alcohol at all because she has always been the one to look after others and be used and abused for it. I know her through a friend in the group who is a good guy and the one I mostly spend time with, the others I don't talk to or never go near because as stated I know the type of people I want to be around moving forward in life and have no time for the drama. Both of us try to only go to events where certain people are at and the others are not included.

 

Given past experiences, I would most likely not talk to her if we were to break up. But given she is a nice person compared to my past relationships (I've been through enough to look for certain qualities) It's hard to say how I would react if that were to occur. One guy I asked if she would remove him from social media and she said yes and I assume the same for the second guy as the second talks to the first quite a lot. The third they still talk, how often a day I'm unsure and this one bothers me more because he is always around due to work. She has been at her work for 11 years, hates her job but won't leave. From what I do see, she has got to comftable within her life and has low self esteem (Her weight bothers her), my family is pretty good at reading people and they have said they like her but feel something is hidden with her.

 

I think the third guy came at a time where she had no one else to hang around with or to run too and said that she sees this guy as he is older more of a farther figure. When we started seeing one another nether of us were drunk I met her once and started talking to her on social media more and more. I don't think she's trying to be involved with the drama she just knows and has said it before that she knows others will try and our relationship up.

 

As an outsider, this isn't looking too great. Overall, if you don't mind me saying, this person doesn't seem to have the traits of a "nice" person. Go back to that comment there about those certain qualities you're looking for.

 

Every so often in life we get kicked in the side of the head and have to re-evaluate a lot of things that matter or should matter to each of us. If we're not going through this, I'd question whether a person is growing at all or has stagnated (stunted growth). We have to see that certain things are not working the way they are and evolve so that we can overcome those difficulties and find new ways to look at things. This relationship is not working. I think the danger is in continuing to tell yourself that you see her as a "nice" person and that you've "been through enough" to know. The problem is - there is always something or things in life we do not know or we have not experienced before. If you can remove those lenses, you might be able to see that she's not the right person for you and get down low, real low to the ground and start discovering those truths beneath the surface.

 

Her choices are her choices and it would verge on emotional abuse for you to continue to seek to control her or police her. Whatever her choices are, good or bad, they are hers. Don't seek to control someone or monitor someone this much because it will turn you into someone you don't know. I'd challenge you to ask yourself whether you feel yourself in this relationship or whether it's changing you in a negative way.

 

You mentioned that she is a nice person relative to others in your previous relationships. There. Right there, unpack your previous relationships and start holding a closer lens to what happened prior to meeting this woman. We have all been through harrowing experiences. When I find patterns (painful patterns) in dating or how I choose friends or partners, I know it's time for change.

 

Are you able to go back in time and look at your past exes or your pattern of dating? Everyone has to do this, mind you, or should be doing this. We create patterns in our every day life. Some call it routines or habits. In dating, we do the same things. Have a better idea of why you're picking women who have different values and beliefs from yourself. Do you have strong beliefs? What are your dealbreakers? These are the questions I'd be exploring. Find answers for your behaviour and why your thoughts are causing you to go in certain directions and not others. Find out more about you.

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As an outsider, this isn't looking too great. Overall, if you don't mind me saying, this person doesn't seem to have the traits of a "nice" person. Go back to that comment there about those certain qualities you're looking for.

 

Every so often in life we get kicked in the side of the head and have to re-evaluate a lot of things that matter or should matter to each of us. If we're not going through this, I'd question whether a person is growing at all or has stagnated (stunted growth). We have to see that certain things are not working the way they are and evolve so that we can overcome those difficulties and find new ways to look at things. This relationship is not working. I think the danger is in continuing to tell yourself that you see her as a "nice" person and that you've "been through enough" to know. The problem is - there is always something or things in life we do not know or we have not experienced before. If you can remove those lenses, you might be able to see that she's not the right person for you and get down low, real low to the ground and start discovering those truths beneath the surface.

 

Her choices are her choices and it would verge on emotional abuse for you to continue to seek to control her or police her. Whatever her choices are, good or bad, they are hers. Don't seek to control someone or monitor someone this much because it will turn you into someone you don't know. I'd challenge you to ask yourself whether you feel yourself in this relationship or whether it's changing you in a negative way.

 

You mentioned that she is a nice person relative to others in your previous relationships. There. Right there, unpack your previous relationships and start holding a closer lens to what happened prior to meeting this woman. We have all been through harrowing experiences. When I find patterns (painful patterns) in dating or how I choose friends or partners, I know it's time for change.

 

Are you able to go back in time and look at your past exes or your pattern of dating? Everyone has to do this, mind you, or should be doing this. We create patterns in our every day life. Some call it routines or habits. In dating, we do the same things. Have a better idea of why you're picking women who have different values and beliefs from yourself. Do you have strong beliefs? What are your dealbreakers? These are the questions I'd be exploring. Find answers for your behaviour and why your thoughts are causing you to go in certain directions and not others. Find out more about you.

 

I know apart of the problem is me, I never really went back and sat down when those relationships ended I just closed that book shut as much as I could and never returned to it to review why it went wrong and where. My current partner is extremely supportive and kind, everyone likes her and when I say that I mean as a person, she is always there when something is wrong and I feel to an extent that I'm more myself in front of her then I have been in front of anyone for a long time and many have stated we're both gentle people who are almost mirror images of one another. If I was, to be honest, I feel like I have stagnated my own growth. Your post definitely has me thinking, I don't think her intentions were to hurt or make me jealous and I know a few people are judging by what has been said here and that I've got 'glasses on' but I wish to analyse this the right way rather than just going your dumped cya later.

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It's hard to go back and look at how we might have contributed to the breakdown of a relationship. It means coming face to face with what happened to us, why did we say or do certain things or feel so strongly about one way or another. We impact each other in relationships. If you're able to slowly pry open those closed books and see how things happened, now that you are removed from those situations, it might help you understand how not to repeat the same cycles.

 

You mentioned that you're both gentle people. That's a good trait to start with. Gentleness is positive but where it starts to move into a gray area is when gentleness lacks boundaries or an ability to say "no". We need elements of that in everyday life, to function, to keep existing relationships going and so as not to overextend or exhaust ourselves on the wrong relationships or things we shouldn't be doing or ought not to be doing. How has your gentleness shaped you and given you happiness but also moved into areas of not enough boundaries - where saying "no" was almost impossible? Is it hard to say "no"?

 

I think you may be onto something about being mirrors of each other. She too appears to have a tough time saying no to others, even if those relationships or friendships are inappropriate. We change and evolve. Even though a friendship with an ex came about organically at one point, why does it continue on indefinitely at the risk of losing fulfilling relationships later on? What give and take are we experiencing in letting go of old friends and making new ones, developing new relationships? People aren't static or the same all their lives. We grow and experience new things and new people, new areas and new phases of life.

 

If you're open to experiencing a deeper, more fulfilling relationship, I think that willingness and openness to say "no" to unfulfilling relationships or old phases of our lives has to also be there. The past can hold us back without us knowing or being aware. Push forwards. Keep asking yourself, I think, about the man you want to be and what kind of a relationship would bring you happiness. You just have to keep pushing for those answers within you and keep asking until you have a combination that looks and feels better or is more harmonious with that given evolution of you, right now this moment. You may change too in five years or ten years or twenty years. That's normal but that combination of what you find attractive in a partner should also be sustainable. Your partner should be able to say "no" too to unfulfilling relationships and friendships or phases of life that have long passed their expiration date.

 

Try understanding more about yourself and what certain positive traits mean to you. Every positive has a slightly darker shade. It's usually a good idea to think of traits on a sliding scale or a gradient. To be honest about everything is a positive trait. To overshare and share too much is to lack discretion to the point of hurting others with information that's not needed. To be gentle is to be kind and understanding of others, accepting. To be gentle to the point of not being able to say "no" is to lack boundaries, unable to tell the difference between what's fulfilling anymore or unfulfilling. So you see for every positive trait there are gradients and slightly darker shades that move into negative traits. The trick is to find the right combination again at which part of that sliding scale is appropriate for any given situation in life. Some situations might require a more hard line approach and others a softer approach. You get to choose.

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I get the feeling here that you're both, in different ways, reckoning with your pasts and making that reckoning part of your bond, a bit like trying to heal each other. Does that resonate at all?

 

It's a slippery slope, all that, and one I think you're both starting to slip on. All of us humans have pasts, often complicated ones, and all of us, to various degrees, have "issues" that lurk "deep down." Thing is, more than being viewed as traumatized vessels of issues, we want to be seen and accepted as people. To do that, two things are important. First: to accept ourselves, who we are and where we've been. Second: to invest in people who, for whatever reasons, we are more prone to accept than to judge, who stir in us a sense of comfort and expansion, not discomfort and contraction.

 

The greater the former, at least in my experience, the more the latter happens organically. The less we accept ourselves, meanwhile, the more prone we are to seeking "mirrors," to use your word, that reflect back to us the very versions of ourselves we struggle to accept.

 

Putting aside the nitty-gritty here, I'd try to see this somewhat practically. At six months, in any relationship, I think both people are still very much assessing the viability of the union, the full spectrum of compatibility, as they spend more time with each other and learn more about each other. In this case, I think you've got quite a bit of static at a stage when, ideally, there should be little. Turn on the hard surgical lights, and it seems that you don't much like her friends, don't much like how she has lived her life, and continues to live with it, save for the part where she is "nice" to you. What you naturally accept, in short, is a pretty slim fraction of who she is, making the relationship kind of like a gigantic house in which you are only comfortable in two rooms.

 

Hard to feel genuinely at home in such a house.

 

Granted, I'm just here in the bleacher seats, but what you're describing sounds pretty typical of someone not yet 30. Dregs of adolescence. Some people shed all that, in time, while others kind of grow into it. Wherever she fits into that—well, that's her own story, to write as she sees fit. But this is the chapter she is in right now, and I'd be honest—with yourself—about whether or not you can see that fitting into, and enhancing, your own story, if that makes sense.

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As I said in my previous comment, every person is different about how they feel about these kinds of situations. It's OK not to feel comfortable about it and to not date people who still have an old hook up on social media and stuff like that. You can end this relationship and not be with your girlfriend or be in this situation anymore. But I don't think you can try to control many aspects of her life like this. You tell her not to go to a party just because those guys are there, you tell her who can and can't be on her social media. You actually are acting controlling, whether you think so or not.

 

I've been on these boards since 2014 and I've seen so many posts about all these kinds of situations. Some people don't even feel comfortable with their partner having opposite gender friends, and some are fine with it. My ex was fine with me hanging out in a group with my ex FWB, as long as I never actually did anything with him. That old FWB actually is a good friend and he is part of my friendship group. What I'm saying is, if my ex didn't like it, he was free to end the relationship. But if my ex was saying stuff to me like: " Don't go to any parties where he's going to be and delete him off social media", that's too full on. I wouldn't have liked it and I would have said he was free to break up.

 

I don't speak to ex's except only occasionally mainly on social media to one ex who broke up in 2014. That ex has a new partner for 3.5 years. The only person I hang out with is that ex FWB (FWB ended 3 years ago). I pretty much only hang out with him in a group, not one-on-one. But he is a good friend of six years. I need to date someone who understands this and can trust me that I'm not actually doing anything with this person.

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As I said in my previous comment, every person is different about how they feel about these kinds of situations. It's OK not to feel comfortable about it and to not date people who still have an old hook up on social media and stuff like that. You can end this relationship and not be with your girlfriend or be in this situation anymore. But I don't think you can try to control many aspects of her life like this. You tell her not to go to a party just because those guys are there, you tell her who can and can't be on her social media. You actually are acting controlling, whether you think so or not.

 

I've been on these boards since 2014 and I've seen so many posts about all these kinds of situations. Some people don't even feel comfortable with their partner having opposite gender friends, and some are fine with it. My ex was fine with me hanging out in a group with my ex FWB, as long as I never actually did anything with him. That old FWB actually is a good friend and he is part of my friendship group. What I'm saying is, if my ex didn't like it, he was free to end the relationship. But if my ex was saying stuff to me like: " Don't go to any parties where he's going to be and delete him off social media", that's too full on. I wouldn't have liked it and I would have said he was free to break up.

 

I don't speak to ex's except only occasionally mainly on social media to one ex who broke up in 2014. That ex has a new partner for 3.5 years. The only person I hang out with is that ex FWB (FWB ended 3 years ago). I pretty much only hang out with him in a group, not one-on-one. But he is a good friend of six years. I need to date someone who understands this and can trust me that I'm not actually doing anything with this person.

 

For clarity, she only went to the party because her mother had made a cake for me and she was excited to go due to that and for the fact we were not in lock down. My issue was that us being around certain people that have done major emotional damage that she felt she was uncomfortable with given there was alcohol was my problem as these people have abused those at the party before, as for social media I'm rarely on it but I know that two individuals have been abusing her so we had a conversation about it. Unfortuntilly in training with the police force that side of protecting people just comes out, being told something that was a reportable offence is very hard for me not to act on but she has asked me not too so I've respected that.

 

The host knew about this as I spoke to her about it and I had said to a female friend of mine and hers that if she does go if that friend could look after her if I'm not there. One of the guys was at the door smoking as we entered straight away you could see my partners reaction in her being uncomfortable. She's been to a few gatherings/parties without me that's never been an issue. The FWB was in the past, his not on social media and not apart of the group, she works with him and I can accept that.

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For clarity, she only went to the party because her mother had made a cake for me and she was excited to go due to that and for the fact we were not in lock down. My issue was that us being around certain people that have done major emotional damage that she felt she was uncomfortable with given there was alcohol was my problem as these people have abused those at the party before, as for social media I'm rarely on it but I know that two individuals have been abusing her so we had a conversation about it. Unfortuntilly in training with the police force that side of protecting people just comes out, being told something that was a reportable offence is very hard for me not to act on but she has asked me not too so I've respected that.

 

The host knew about this as I spoke to her about it and I had said to a female friend of mine and hers that if she does go if that friend could look after her if I'm not there. One of the guys was at the door smoking as we entered straight away you could see my partners reaction in her being uncomfortable. She's been to a few gatherings/parties without me that's never been an issue. The FWB was in the past, his not on social media and not apart of the group, she works with him and I can accept that.

 

The thing is while you personally may feel concerned these people mistreated her, in the end it's her decision if she wants to go to a party where they are or not. By telling her not to go you are being controlling. That's her choice if she wants to go. You sound a bit too jealous and overbearing in my opinion.

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The thing is while you personally may feel concerned these people mistreated her, in the end it's her decision if she wants to go to a party where they are or not. By telling her not to go you are being controlling. That's her choice if she wants to go. You sound a bit too jealous and overbearing in my opinion.

 

So someone was raped (her), she feels uncomfortable going to the party because that person is there so we have a discussion about it and I'm being overbearing and controlling? I made a suggestion for us not to go as I thought it was a bad idea. As I said in my post she has been to many parties/gatherings before and I've never had a problem. Unfortunately I've asked for space while I work on myself and my future moving forward at this time because this relationship is clearly not healthy.

Edited by Fenix2020
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So someone was raped (her), she feels uncomfortable going to the party because that person is there so we have a discussion about it and I'm being overbearing and controlling? I made a suggestion for us not to go as I thought it was a bad idea. As I said in my post she has been to many parties/gatherings before and I've never had a problem. Unfortunately I've asked for space while I work on myself and my future moving forward at this time because this relationship is clearly not healthy.

 

You definitely have a right to feel sympathy and worry for your girlfriend, it's called caring. You never mentioned the rape in many of your previous comments. You just said she hooked up with those two guys you've been referring to. You said she gave one guy a blow job or something along those lines. You said hook up and blow job, not rape. Please don't get me wrong, rape is very serious and I don't for one second mean to minimize it. I'm just wondering why you only mention it now? Are you changing the story? Before you said those guys were just douches and treated her bad and you don't like them. You left many long comments and not once did you mention rape until it was suggested you were too controlling.

 

Absolutely you have a right to break up with your girlfriend or take a break, that is your choice. We don't always like things about our partner. Sometimes we may not like things to the point where it does warrant leaving. But just as an aside, regarding the party situation, while it may seem unbelievable to you she wants to go, maybe she thinks she can handle it. She's a big girl. For example, if someone treated me bad and I'm going to go to a party and that person is there. But also many other people are there who are my friends. Maybe I still want to go and I'll just avoid that person. I wouldn't appreciate being told that I can't or shouldn't go. It's my decision.

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You definitely have a right to feel sympathy and worry for your girlfriend, it's called caring. You never mentioned the rape in many of your previous comments. You just said she hooked up with those two guys you've been referring to. You said she gave one guy a blow job or something along those lines. You said hook up and blow job, not rape. Please don't get me wrong, rape is very serious and I don't for one second mean to minimize it. I'm just wondering why you only mention it now? Are you changing the story? Before you said those guys were just douches and treated her bad and you don't like them. You left many long comments and not once did you mention rape until it was suggested you were too controlling.

 

Absolutely you have a right to break up with your girlfriend or take a break, that is your choice. We don't always like things about our partner. Sometimes we may not like things to the point where it does warrant leaving. But just as an aside, regarding the party situation, while it may seem unbelievable to you she wants to go, maybe she thinks she can handle it. She's a big girl. For example, if someone treated me bad and I'm going to go to a party and that person is there. But also many other people are there who are my friends. Maybe I still want to go and I'll just avoid that person. I wouldn't appreciate being told that I can't or shouldn't go. It's my decision.

 

I didn't want to get into details but my past comments did state something that was "reportable" so I definitely mentioned it, I just didn't want to bring it up because I don't know whose on this forum. She had originally hooked up with the one that raped her 2 years ago but in November that occurred as she told me about it that's when that occurred and she is still in shock I believe. The other two yes, the whole group knows about it (the one that was abusing her not the rape guy) and I never went out of my way to ask what happened she chose to tell me. In the end, as a couple, we chose to go together.

 

Was page 2 & 1 #19 also post #1

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