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My husband took advantage of me the night after my sister died


jilo77
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My husband and I have been married nearly 20 years. For the past 3 years I have been caring for my sister who was dying of cancer. The toll it took on me affected my marriage. He stopped going to bed with me. He would sleep on the couch. I would cry and beg for him to go to bed but he would always end up on the couch. Eventually I gave up and would just go to bed alone. I grew detached from him at that point. Finally things started to get really bad with my sister but at the same time I started telling him how unhappy I was but he didn't even seem to care. Then things got bad. I found out he had gambled thousands of dollars behind my back and lied to me for years about it. He found out I had started to talking to a guy from high school. I asked for a separation in January but he wouldn't leave. He became possessive and would go through all my stuff constantly. After that any time we would have sex it was angry. He would tell me I come up short as a mother, told me my sister was draining the life out of me and that it was her cancer that ruined our marriage. He told me he didn't think I would take him to chemo like I did my sister every week. He told me he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Fast forward to April, my sister passed away. I was with her until she took her very last breath. She was only 46 and due to covid only her husband and I were with her. The next night I went home and collapsed into bed. I had taken a Xanax (which is prescribed to me for anxiety). I had a glass of wine as well but that was it. He is not a drinker so he was completely sober. I believe my husband thought I was incapacitated. All of a sudden I realized he was taking my clothes off and in my head I said to myself that if he were to do this to me, I married a monster. I was too damn tired to fight him off so I just pretended to be completely passed out thinking he would realize and give up. When he started to have sex with me I said "what is happening? this hurts"... He then stopped only to flip me over and have anal sex with me. I was in such shock, disgust and done. I called a lawyer the next day and we separated. He still won't fully admit what he did was wrong. He told me he thought I was just dead inside which to me is almost even worse. We have four children together and I feel awful that our family is so broken but the idea of going back to him makes my skin crawl. Is there any way to get over this??? I can't even mourn my sister

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Sorry to hear that. What did the lawyer say? Did he move out? Do your kids live at home? Have you and your lawyer filed for legal separation and checked all your finances?

 

What does all this have to do with your hs friend? It sounds like your marriage has been falling apart for quite some time, long before your sister was sick

 

 

BTW, benzodiazapines don't mix with alcohol and in general have an amnesic effect. Ask your doctor for better long term anxiety solutions

Edited by Wiseman2
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I am so sorry about your sister- I too, lost a sibling.

 

No! There is so much that is wrong with your marriage, not only the assault. You need to get away from this man, as he is mentally and physically dangerous. This marriage is awful on so many levels.

 

Seek an attorney, as you are not only protecting you, but your kids. Exposing your kids to his behavior is very damaging .

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I am so very sorry this happened to you and I am sorry your husband is a horrid person, but that is what he is and there is nothing here to salvage. I know you are full of grief and in shock, but this man is manipulative, self-centered and dangerous. You must get out of this marriage. Being in it is no good for your children either. Speak to a lawyer, speak to a therapist and in fact, speak to a family therapist -- I am sure that having a father who behaves in such a manner has affected your children.

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You never actually know a person, until you and they hit a very hard time. Only then will you see their true colors and see how strong or weak you are as a couple.

 

Unfortunately, you had it bad on both ends. Not only is he a very angry man who has zero compassion, but as a couple, this difficult time drove you further and further away from one another instead of becoming a stronger couple who works together.

 

There was no chance in anything surviving.

 

All you can do now, is to focus on your mental health and the well being of your children. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, please see one as soon as you can.

You need help in processing your loss and also what has happened between you and your husband.

 

You have gone through two very traumatic situations and need help from a professional to heal from both.

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You can't be there for your family if you continue to be broken or keep breaking more. It's good that you are both separated. What he's done is wrong, very wrong. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister.

 

Talk to your lawyer. Speak to someone also about the trauma, shock and grief of losing a loved one and also the breakdown of your marriage. Is there a rape relief or women's shelter close to you? They have resources for support. I'll be joining one soon, although in what capacity I do not know, depends on what they need for volunteers and crisis. Please take care of yourself. Your are not alone in this.

 

Do you mind me asking where are your kids?

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My sisters husband And the rest of my family was in denial. I was the only one taking her to chemo. I did everything for her. She told me I was her keeper and knew her soul better than anyone. So I lost a part of me when I lost my sister. I am not in contact with the rest of my family anymore. My children split their time with my husband and I.

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What your husband did you you was very wrong and was rape. He is an abusive and controlling man. I know from personal experience what it is like being in an abusive relationship and that person raping you. What he is doing is domestic and sexual abuse.

Please get him from domestic abuse and rape services.

You did not deserve any of this and it is not your fault.

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I know I need to leave. I’m not in love with him anymore and my skin crawls when I’m near him. I’m just so worried about my kids. Between the quarantine, them losing their aunt, and their parents separating and worried for their well-being. But I don’t think I can go back

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