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Confusing first date problem


nozaanator
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Hey guys

 

Just after an opinion of what could be going on? What I should do? Just be honest with me as I’m very confused by it all. Note I’ve not messaged or reached out in any way shape or form since my last message.

 

Here are the details

 

Went on a date with this girl, the date went pretty well in my opinion, we both connected very, she stated how comfortable I made her feel, we had loads in common, we made out several times, lots of touching, she thanked me several times in person during the date. So safe to say it went well.

 

The only downside was that her very protective friend ended our date short by coming and picking her up suddenly. She wasn’t happy about it but what can you do. Anyway her friend and another dude (who was driving the car) come pick her up and that was the end of the night.

 

About 15 minutes later she messages me (on hinge) apologising for how the date ended and again thanking me for an awesome night. I reply saying, “ it’s all good, don’t stress, it’s cute you’ve got someone who cares about you. If I need to take your friend out for coffee to win her over tell her to name the place and time “ in a joking manner. She laughs and “ That’s cute and will do. I honestly thought I’d never hear from you again “.

 

One or two more messages go back and forth and I finish the conversation on hinge by saying “here’s my number ********* give me a text or call I’d rather speak to you over the phone than on this app”.

 

Anyway, several days have gone by and I’ve still not heard a thing since. Not exactly sure what I’ve done wrong here ? What could be going on in her head? Ect? She did mention an ex in the date but pretty sure that ended a while ago.

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I would leave her be. The ball is in her court.

If she never responds to you, you dodged a bullet.

The friends showed up because she "rescue texted" them because she was uncomfortable on the date somehow.

Or she has very porous boundaries with her friends.

 

Also, just for the future, do not say ANYTHING about a woman is "cute" -- unless you are talking about her pet (dog, cat, lizard, chicken - whatever). Do not tell a woman that its "cute how.." in relation to anything. It implies that you think she is childish or childlike, or that you don't take her seriously. That would be an instant turn off.

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It is definitely a strange one. Why say all those things then, as some are saying, sent out a rescue text? Doesn't make sense to me.

If i were you i would play it cool for a couple of days and if you don't hear from her then message her. If she doesn't respond then you have your answer.

If that does happen then delete her from the app and move on. Yeah it will sting a little but don't waste your time on someone who is doing this.

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Well, I don't think it's too strange if she rescue texted her friend. Maybe she's just too afraid of rejecting and she said al those things in a compensating fashion?

 

She could also be ignoring you to see if you try again, playing hard to get. Maybe she has been busy or had a personal issue. Maybe she freaked out because you wanted her number and she doesn't wanna give it to you. There could be many reasons.

 

I would say same thing as melancholy123; I would give her a couple of days and then contact her again, maybe asking how she is or saying that we could keep it in the app if that's better. If she doesn't answer, then you can at least be sure you tried and you won't be wondering what happened. I guess. Hope this helps.

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Who said it was a rescue text? Waiting and waiting won't give you answers. Ask her out. If it's a no or no response, you have your answer.

 

She stated she had a good time. That's inconsistent with ghosting or rescue texts. It's possible she ghosted but you'll never know doing a waiting game.

I want to but I don’t want to seem needy and push her away in doing so
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on the one hand, who can explain these dates? We humans do stupid things, say things without really thinking, then realize, wait, I am not interested or I am.

 

Who wants to deal with this? Well, we cant help it either.... I take indecision and no response as a decision and a response

 

But if you want to give it another shot, I'd just be honest and say something like... hey i left you my number, but if you'd prefer I call you, I'd be happy to do so.

 

Then let her either ignore you again... ouch. sorry... or supply the number.

 

I totally understand what you mean about why would she say that, why would she make out with you, and why respond so favorably without intentions to follow through?

 

That is a great question and she might not have an answer either. Be glad it was just one date. People have whole relationships and the other person was not really in it. you know?

 

Learn to see the signs, like inconsistency as deal beakers for you... when simeone truly likes you and wants to be with you, you know.

 

good luck

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To my mind, it's a bit strange for a grown adult to say on the date that you make them feel comfortable. It rather implies that they are typically uncomfortable and perhaps unstable in some ways. When you have the situation with the friend coming in and effectively ending your date.....that really goes to support the idea that this woman is perhaps quite unstable emotionally.

 

It could be that she sent a "rescue me" text, but doesn't sound likely.

 

More likely is that she has poor boundaries and allows overbearing friends to control and run her life. Could also be the friends are stepping in to rescue because her dates end up in one night stands and messy disasters and they are a bit fed up with that. If the latter, then keep in mind that this would have been discussed and agreed to beforehand, as in "I'm going on this date, you'll come fetch me before I end up in bed with random dude and crying my eyes out the next day." So the friends came and did as asked.

 

Ultimately, you yourself, OP, should know to take what anyone says with a large grain of salt and pay more attention to their actions. Her behavior, the way things ended....that's way off and should give you some serious pause or even make you exit this situation instead of trying to pursue further. What you saw is the tip of the iceberg of massive drama.

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How odd. If she got herself into the hot soup of dating, she should be able to get herself out. The lifeline or whisking away the damsel in distress is a huge turn off (would be a huge turn off for me if I was a guy). Are you not a bit put off by this? Was the date exclusively at your place or was this a public space?

 

There are a lot of implications that don't feel or look too good but since you don't know much, it's better not to read into it and just take it for what it is.

 

On the outset this appears as a person who isn't able to handle her own affairs. Why would you want to date someone like that? I think the least she could have done was text you to let you know that while she enjoyed herself, she's not sure about seeing you again and needs time to figure out a few things on her own. Or excuse herself from seeing you again even if it's issues she's dealing with personally.

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Ask for her phone number, and call her, and ask her out again. Every rule book I know says that if the woman asks out for a second date, it will turn the guy off. And to not reach out to look desperate. But it's best if the guy reaches out. I know that sounds so archaic and lame, but that's what girls talk about. If you really want to get to know her more, just do it.

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In the company of a nice man, I might say the exact same things. Feeling comfortable, enjoying myself - in the moment -doesn't automatically mean a second date.

 

Is it possible she felt too comfortable? Like you might with someone you don't feel that excited chemistry, but more so as a friend?

 

It could be once she slept on it, she may have decided there wasn't a romantic future for the both of you.

You can either wait this out or get your answer by calling her and asking her out again.

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Well the reason I want to peruse is because of the level of connection I felt on the date and the commonalitys we had. Can’t say I’ve ever been attracted to a personality so much before I want to continue to explore to see if that actually is her personality.

 

It’s a good point you make, she could be insecure, she did mention she had been through a lot of stuff in her life.

 

My plan is to give it another day or two and send another message via the dating app. What are your guys opinions on this ?

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Well the reason I want to peruse is because of the level of connection I felt on the date and the commonalitys we had. Can’t say I’ve ever been attracted to a personality so much before I want to continue to explore to see if that actually is her personality.

 

It’s a good point you make, she could be insecure, she did mention she had been through a lot of stuff in her life.

 

My plan is to give it another day or two and send another message via the dating app. What are your guys opinions on this ?

 

Personally, I wouldn't. Why? It's never a good idea to put so much weight into "commonalities" on first date. It might have felt heady, but you don't actually know each other and the massive red flags that arose.....I'd be heading for the exit because those flags outweigh a fun date by many miles. Having a great date can certainly feel intoxicating, but it's also a really good idea to calm down and reflect more rationally instead of engaging in a blind pursuit despite red flags smacking you in the face.

 

Anyway, since you seem determined to pursue, then yes, all you can do is give it a couple of days and try to reach out again and see what happens. You don't really have other options.

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You are not asking her for a second date or even suggesting it, so obviously she thinks you lost interest. 'here's my number, call me' is not asking for a date. Not asking or suggesting a second meeting = low interest. She's not going to chase a guy who won't ask her out again.

I finish the conversation on hinge by saying “here’s my number ********* give me a text or call I’d rather speak to you over the phone than on this app”.
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If she was uncomfortable on the date, why would she say how comfortable she felt during the date , thank me for an awesome night in person and message me shortly after the date saying the same thing ?

 

To convince herself that she was comfortable - to hear herself say it

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You are not asking her for a second date or even suggesting it, so obviously she thinks you lost interest. 'here's my number, call me' is not asking for a date. Not asking or suggesting a second meeting = low interest. She's not going to chase a guy who won't ask her out again.

 

I agree. you are asking her to be a text buddy. If you like her, suggest a date. Suggest a scenario for a second date. I don't know how "open" your state is right now, but an outdoor activity might be a good idea. Also, could her friends have picked her up because they thought she was nuts meeting a dude during the covid thing?

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It's been several days.

 

I'd have called her today on the phone. If you like her and want to see her again I think you need to step it up a little. Don't worry about getting rejected. It happens all the time. Definitely please don't go back to the app. This is confusing.

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Something I've realised, as a man who's done a fair bit of app dating, is that a great first date doesn't always lead to a second date. Read my journal and count how many times that's happened!

 

I'd leave this myself though. She either

 

a) rescue texted in spite of the words coming out of her mouth for whatever reason (I'd put money on this personally)

or

b) isn't enough of an adult to say 'no thanks, I'm enjoying my evening, you don't need to pick me up'. Like a child being collected by her parents

 

Neither is great. I'd guess she's someone with quite a few issues.

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a) rescue texted in spite of the words coming out of her mouth for whatever reason (I'd put money on this personally)

or

b) isn't enough of an adult to say 'no thanks, I'm enjoying my evening, you don't need to pick me up'. Like a child being collected by her parents

 

I echo these thoughts, especially part B. Let's say that she was being sincere about how much she enjoyed your company and the date itself - what grown woman can't politely decline her friend's offer to pick her up? It's not cute that her friend was "worried" enough to whisk her away; it's bizarre.

 

My guess is that she is the type of woman who doesn't know how to be direct and just say she's going to call it a night when she's not feeling it, so she laces it with pretty words and scurries off.

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The only thing you did wrong was to let the fact she's pretty cloud your mind so that you're ignoring rudeness, childishness, wishy-washy behavior, and lack of effort. There are pretty women out there who are mature, polite, and will put in equal effort with enthusiasm to date you. Keep on fishing so you can find a woman who is worthy of you.

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