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Really Dislike Mother in Law


luvedup
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Once more, with feeling. This alone, OP, would make me run a mile. I shudder to think what item of underwear she was adjusting before touching the food.

 

"" she spits when she talks, so going out for a meal with her is uncomfortable, she will sit in a dress with her legs far too open because she is quite large and cant fold one over the other but will be showing everything. She belches all the time. When she invites us around for a meal, she plates the food up with her bare hands, and i once saw her do that after "adjusting" her underwear."

"

 

Aside from that, or in addition to those less than lovely cave-dweller traits, she sounds like she is off her head.

 

"arranges to go to her medical appointments with her, still bought her underwear until she moved out, used to read personal valentines and birthday cards id sent her. "

 

 

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How does your fiancé respond when her mother insists on being included in your private time?

 

If fiance' defends her mother's desire to intrude, that's the thing to address.

 

So to what degree, exactly, has this woman succeeded in intruding beyond expressing her wish to do so? And does fiancé complain about it even while she stands with you on this issue, or does she insist that her mother's wishes be granted?

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Not much has changed since end of 2018 OP when you posted this:

 

"We went on holiday once n she ended up having to go back to the same place with her mum so her mum could experience it. Am I in the wrong for wanting more from my girlfriend and wanting her to cut the apron strings with her mum a bit.

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  • 2 months later...

Update : so we spoke about it and my OH was upset as expected. I explained that i felt, her not setting boundaries with her mother was making me resent her mother and thats not what i want. She cooled things off with all the facetime calls but im pretty sure they still txt all day everyday. And recently her mum has started facetiming daily again. Thankfully with covid and lockdown we havent really seen much of her which has been better. I told her tonight that i feel its all going back to how it was. Daily calls and txting each other all day is just too much. Tonight her mum asked her why she wasnt excited to speak to her. Bear in mind they spoke last night for over an hour and txt all day today. Also during last nights phone call the MIL asked my OH if she had made a doctors appt she needed. And said, come back home so i can take care of it for you. Id do anything to get you home. When i say this to my OH she says "oh she doesnt mean it like that, you just dont get her". Am i over reacting? This woman irritates me to no end.

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Update : so we spoke about it and my OH was upset as expected. I explained that i felt, her not setting boundaries with her mother was making me resent her mother and thats not what i want. She cooled things off with all the facetime calls but im pretty sure they still txt all day everyday. And recently her mum has started facetiming daily again. Thankfully with covid and lockdown we havent really seen much of her which has been better. I told her tonight that i feel its all going back to how it was. Daily calls and txting each other all day is just too much. Tonight her mum asked her why she wasnt excited to speak to her. Bear in mind they spoke last night for over an hour and txt all day today. Also during last nights phone call the MIL asked my OH if she had made a doctors appt she needed. And said, come back home so i can take care of it for you. Id do anything to get you home. When i say this to my OH she says "oh she doesnt mean it like that, you just dont get her". Am i over reacting? This woman irritates me to no end.

 

 

I see no problem with texting a parent every during lockdown, or calling a parent, but if they speak everyday do they really need to talk for an hour? Yeah if something important happened, but what is so important after texting all day and facetiming?. What is too much for sure is mom talking about making her doctor's appointments. Your fiancee should be doing that for herself OR if she is unable to speak on the phone due to extreme illness, that's something a spouse would do.

 

I would explain to her that its not because she talks to her mom, but if you are going to be married, she has to stop relying on mother, do things for her own self that she should be doing as an adult or some things are things couples rely on eachother for. you are concerned that she is unable to separate from her mother -- don't make it an attack against mom but focus on your fiancee's behaviors. Mom is mom, but its the fiancee who is the problem at this point.

 

Do you really want to marry into this situation??

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  • 2 months later...
On 10/7/2020 at 1:54 AM, abitbroken said:

 

 

I see no problem with texting a parent every during lockdown, or calling a parent, but if they speak everyday do they really need to talk for an hour? Yeah if something important happened, but what is so important after texting all day and facetiming?. What is too much for sure is mom talking about making her doctor's appointments. Your fiancee should be doing that for herself OR if she is unable to speak on the phone due to extreme illness, that's something a spouse would do.

 

I would explain to her that its not because she talks to her mom, but if you are going to be married, she has to stop relying on mother, do things for her own self that she should be doing as an adult or some things are things couples rely on eachother for. you are concerned that she is unable to separate from her mother -- don't make it an attack against mom but focus on your fiancee's behaviors. Mom is mom, but its the fiancee who is the problem at this point.

 

Do you really want to marry into this situation??

On 10/7/2020 at 1:54 AM, abitbroken said:

 

Thanks for helping me..your replies are very much appreciated. Yes i do want to marry her but i would be lying if i said this MIL situation doesnt make me worried. 

A little update: i genuinely would like to know if i am more of the problem in this situation because im finding things are bothering me all the time. With the run up to xmas my partner has been buying her mum lots of xmas presents as we all do. Most of which are things she has bought me in the past that her mum has mentioned she would like also when she has seen mine. Anything i have, she has to have, from house furnishing, to the same tins of paint, to xmas decorations. If we are with her mum and i pick something up because i want to buy it, she will also get one. Yesterday we took her mum shopping for christmas gifts, her mum made plans for her friends to come along also and my other half had to pick them all up and drive them. I met them there. We stopped for a coffee and a chat at this point her mum mentioned that she is desperate for my OH to go and live back home. I laughed it off but later on she gave us two xmas cards which we didnt open until we were home. One was to my OH and myself. The other was just to my OH from her mum saying how much she misses her. Still, i sent a polite text thanking for the card and asked if she received ours. To which she replied "yes". Im going to go out on a limb here and say i think its jealousy and she feels i have taken her daughter away from her. But am i letting it bother me too much?..i dont know. 

Edited by luvedup
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Your Fiance is allowing her Mum to intrude in your life.

My Daughter is married & pregnant. I would never do the things this MIL is doing. I love & respect my Daughter too much to intrude into her life like that. We text & chat on the phone, go shopping, have meals together, but it is all mutually arranged. I would never force myself on them. They are a busy couple & have lots of friends, so the last thing they need is for me to be putting demands on their free time .

I hate to say it, but this situation has been going on for so long that it will never change. Your Fiance & her Mum are very co-dependant. You wont be able to change things here, as your Fiance is as much to blame for this as her Mum. I think you need to accept this as being your life going forward. Just imagine how much worse it will be when you have children!!!

 

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Honestly if I was in your position I probably wouldn't have actually been dating this woman in the first place. The reason is that this situation is actually the fault of your girlfriend and not the mother. My mother wasn't actually as bad but she was pretty overbearing also. Even when I lived at home still and I was 24-25, she called me a lot while I was out. She hardly gave me any space and wanted to know everything I was doing. However she wasn't anywhere as bad. I spoke to her about it all and said I didn't like it when I was 25. She was upset but she improved after that.

The problem is your girlfriend is actually completely allowing her mother to act like this and forcefully get involved in every single aspect of her life. In fact she actually indulges her mother in it. She went to LA with her mother because she WANTED to go. She buys her mother all the same gifts as you because she wants to. She Face Times twice a day because she wants to. She's doing all this of her own will because she's really attached to her mother as well. So while her mother is annoying you, it obviously doesn't annoy your girlfriend and this is how she wants it to be. Nothing will change with the mother because that's how it always was and still is even after you talked about it. This is who your girlfriend is and what she wants.

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MIL can be as obnoxious as she wants.

It's the influence on her daughter you should be concerned about.

I get it easier to focus on Mom's behavior, but what matters here is, whether your girlfriend is able to set healthy boundaries with her mother.  Does your girlfriend have an unhealthy relationship with her mother that effects your relationship?

If your girlfriends behavior and decision choices are influenced by someone else, then your issue is . . with your girlfriend.  Take your focus off of Mom.

Family matrix's run deep.  This is how she was raised.  This is her normal.  Is it something you can live with or is she willing to view things differently?

If not, you have your answer.  You are almost always in the wrong place if you are waiting for someone to be something they are not.

 

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21 hours ago, luvedup said:

Thanks for helping me..your replies are very much appreciated. Yes i do want to marry her but i would be lying if i said this MIL situation doesnt make me worried. 

A little update: i genuinely would like to know if i am more of the problem in this situation because im finding things are bothering me all the time. With the run up to xmas my partner has been buying her mum lots of xmas presents as we all do. Most of which are things she has bought me in the past that her mum has mentioned she would like also when she has seen mine. Anything i have, she has to have, from house furnishing, to the same tins of paint, to xmas decorations. If we are with her mum and i pick something up because i want to buy it, she will also get one. Yesterday we took her mum shopping for christmas gifts, her mum made plans for her friends to come along also and my other half had to pick them all up and drive them. I met them there. We stopped for a coffee and a chat at this point her mum mentioned that she is desperate for my OH to go and live back home. I laughed it off but later on she gave us two xmas cards which we didnt open until we were home. One was to my OH and myself. The other was just to my OH from her mum saying how much she misses her. Still, i sent a polite text thanking for the card and asked if she received ours. To which she replied "yes". Im going to go out on a limb here and say i think its jealousy and she feels i have taken her daughter away from her. But am i letting it bother me too much?..i dont know. 

I honestly think duplicating the home decor is subconsciously her way of getting what she thinks the daughter likes to entice her to come home.

It is your fiancee's rodeo BUT

I would say this to the mother one time and one time only: "I understand that you want your daughter home. She is engaged now.  Its okay to miss having her living with you, but when you plead for her to come home constantly, it gives me the impression that you do not approve of our engagement, or want us to be married in the future. "

The mother may have no clue how she is coming across.

I would normally say something to that tune to the fiancee first, but i have a feeling she either won't tell mom or twist it before she tells mom and cries to mommy that you don't like her.

I would not forbid seeing mom. Fiancee SHOULD see mom one on one without you sometimes -- for lunch at mom's house, or whatever - if mom only sees you two as a couple and not her daughter separately ever ---she might calm down that way. 

 

But its time to step up and put your foot down.  You are being too passive here while letting things bubble over inside.

 

If after you do this, nothing changes, then you are free to bide your time until some Covid regulations lift....no threats, no constantly talking about it and one day say "mom wants you back bad . I am glad that you are close to your mother, but you will never say no to her.   I think its best if you do what you both want and move back with your mother."  And then "I have had enough - I am not going to marry you."

 

Honestly, though, i would be so done with this.  If you have already addressed this with your girlfriend, i would be done.

Edited by abitbroken
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On 12/15/2020 at 8:13 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Is this a good idea with covid cases on the rise?🤔😕

I had a feeling someone would mention this. i did querie it,but they are all nurses and had had covid tests that morning apart from the MIL that has been in isolation due to having just recovered from cancer last year and having had a shoulder operation last month, all  came back negative so they were fine to do so. Plus as her mums friends live on their own with no partners or family they are each others bubble now aswell.  

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Daily calls and txting each other all day is just too much.

So much of your fiancé's emotional energy and time is devoted to her mother--your girlfriend's not a well-rounded person. A mature and healthy way to operate is to have a healthy balance of time alone, time with a partner, time on a career, and time with family and friends. When one of these becomes off-balance, such as being a workaholic with little time for their partner, or of course in your case, heavily weighed with time spent on a family member, the primary relationship will be frustrating and upsetting.

You've already voiced your concerns. The problem still exists. You only have two choices. Accept the fact you'll never be the priority and live a frustrating life, or decide you don't want that for your one precious life and should free yourself to find a woman who leads a balanced life. Good luck.

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On 7/9/2020 at 12:11 AM, catfeeder said:

How does your fiancé respond when her mother insists on being included in your private time?

If fiance' defends her mother's desire to intrude, that's the thing to address.

So to what degree, exactly, has this woman succeeded in intruding beyond expressing her wish to do so? And does fiancé complain about it even while she stands with you on this issue, or does she insist that her mother's wishes be granted?

Re-asking the above questions, which were never addressed.

Decide whether you want to work on the problem or just complain about it.

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