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Hi All, thanks for reading.

I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. We are engaged to be married next year and have just bought our dream house together.

I get on ok with her mother but i am struggling to hide how much i dislike her from my partner. I love her dad though he is brilliant. Firstly, she (MIL) is rude, very abrupt, when i first met her she couldnt have been less interested in making a first impression. I have been raised to always be very polite. She treats my 26 yr old girlfriend like a baby, arranges to go to her medical appointments with her, still bought her underwear until she moved out, used to read personal valentines and birthday cards id sent her. When she moved out, made her take all her Disney stuffed teddy's and kids toys but told her she cant throw them away. She facetimes her atleast twice a day everyday and texts all day in between, and complains when we do things without her. Wants constant updates on the work we are doing in our house.

We went on our first holiday overseas and because we didnt invite her she booked the exact holiday in the exact hotel a few months later and took my girlfriend with her. I took my gf to LA to propose (we live in the uk) her mum also wanted to come with us. She comments on anything we post on social media about how she didnt get an invite, how we do things without her. If we go shopping somewhere, she asks that she comes with us next time. She wants to be involved in all the wedding plan's and doesnt ask to come to our appointments, just tells us she is coming. She pressured my gf into having her cousin as bridesmaid at our wedding. She has spoke about buying a house nearer to us.

She lives 30 minutes away but asked which room in our new house is for when she stays over.

And then is the embarrasing stuff, she spits when she talks, so going out for a meal with her is uncomfortable, she will sit in a dress with her legs far too open because she is quite large and cant fold one over the other but will be showing everything. She belches all the time. When she invites us around for a meal, she plates the food up with her bare hands, and i once saw her do that after "adjusting" her underwear. Quite honestly, my biggest issue is that she repulses me and i am so uncomfortable around her. But i would never be rude to her, nor do i want to upset my partner in telling her how I feel. Help?

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OP:

 

"she spits when she talks, so going out for a meal with her is uncomfortable, she will sit in a dress with her legs far too open because she is quite large and cant fold one over the other but will be showing everything. She belches all the time. When she invites us around for a meal, she plates the food up with her bare hands, and i once saw her do that after "adjusting" her underwear. Quite honestly, my biggest issue is that she repulses me and i am so uncomfortable around her"

 

I am truly flummoxed, OP.

This is far beyond my area of expertise, honestly.

 

It can't go on.

 

You are marrying her daughter, not her.

 

It isn't about being rude, you will have to be very very straightforward. And your future wife needs to be very straightforward too. Otherwise, this is a disaster in the making.

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Congrats on the house and engagement. Well part of it is your gf. But it's easier to blame the mother. Is your gf an only child?

 

People can get along with but aren't in love with their mothers-in-law. She sounds like a sweetie, lets hope it's not genetic.

 

You'll be seeing her in the future, so keep it civil and pick your battles.You have to hold your tongue because it's your gf's mother. It will serve no purpose to hurt anyone. Get boxes, containers, etc for all the childhood stuff and put it in storage. Is the mother or your gf a hoarder?

 

What you can do, is built in some bullet proof boundaries and rules. For example without saying a word get one of those home alarm systems with a front door viewer. Screen your calls. Limit visits. Let your gf hang out with her, but be busy a lot with your family.

 

Kiss the ground for this: 👇

She lives 30 minutes away

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LaHermes: I agree..this i what i am worried about. Thanks for your response, also what does OP mean please?

 

Wiseman2 : Thankyou also, i have done a few of the things you suggested. However my partner doesnt see the faults with her mother so i think that may be my biggest issue 🤦

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Your gf doesn't have to see her mother's faults you just have to find ways to avoid too much of her.

 

And this is what treating the folks to take out is all about 🤢:

she plates the food up with her bare hands, and i once saw her do that after "adjusting" her underwear.
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Your gf doesn't have to see her mother's faults you just have to find ways to avoid too much of her.

 

And this is what treating the folks to take out is all about 🤢:

 

How do i avoid it for life 🤢 and when she is invading my home..

 

So do you think i shouldnt talk to my other half about this? Just avoid the MIL at all costs? Sounds like i could do that.

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Well; that will be up to your gf to cut the strings .

 

Yup this^. It's not the parents who cut the apron strings, it's the kids. This is literally all about your gf and what she wants to do or not do.

 

If your gf isn't willing to enforce some adult boundaries wither her mother, there is nothing you can do but shut up and put up. The alternative is call off the engagement and I don't think you are going to do that.

 

The way to look at this is that a person's family is always part of the package, especially how they interact with each other. You are not going to ever change them or change the interactions or relationships between them. It's a take it or leave it situation. So when you are thinking marriage, better think long and hard if this is something you can live with long term. It's just one of the many points of compatibility in any given relationship.

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Yup this^. It's not the parents who cut the apron strings, it's the kids. This is literally all about your gf and what she wants to do or not do.

 

If your gf isn't willing to enforce some adult boundaries wither her mother, there is nothing you can do but shut up and put up. The alternative is call off the engagement and I don't think you are going to do that.

 

The way to look at this is that a person's family is always part of the package, especially how they interact with each other. You are not going to ever change them or change the interactions or relationships between them. It's a take it or leave it situation. So when you are thinking marriage, better think long and hard if this is something you can live with long term. It's just one of the many points of compatibility in any given relationship.

 

Harsh reality but you are probably right. :/

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Luvedup.

 

OP means Original Poster. You.

 

Don't know about the rest of you but I am having difficulty with this:

 

" she spits when she talks, so going out for a meal with her is uncomfortable, she will sit in a dress with her legs far too open because she is quite large and cant fold one over the other but will be showing everything. She belches all the time. When she invites us around for a meal, she plates the food up with her bare hands, and i once saw her do that after "adjusting" her underwear."

 

In what kind of reality does this behaviour take place 2021.

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Luvedup.

 

OP means Original Poster. You.

 

Don't know about the rest of you but I am having difficulty with this:

 

" she spits when she talks, so going out for a meal with her is uncomfortable, she will sit in a dress with her legs far too open because she is quite large and cant fold one over the other but will be showing everything. She belches all the time. When she invites us around for a meal, she plates the food up with her bare hands, and i once saw her do that after "adjusting" her underwear."

 

In what kind of reality does this behaviour take place 2021.

 

Me too! So much.. i dread my gf asking her mother to stay the night at our home because i feel grossed out being around her. And thats horrible to say but i do

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Hi OP,

 

I think you need to ask yourself if you truly can put up with this for the rest of her parents life.

 

Your girlfriend unfortunately is not going to tell her mother to back off, and you know it’s not your place to do it.

 

I know it sounds harsh but put your happiness first. One day with your partner you’re going to end up taking care of this woman. If she’s really insufferable, then I would see this relationship as not a suitable match.

 

You’re not going to have any more private moments with your girlfriend. It’s like you unfortunately get a two in one deal.

 

Either your girlfriend cuts the apron strings or you have a serious hard decision to make.

 

I was with my ex for 11 years and his mother was very intolerable. She got worse each year! As much as I loved my ex I’m glad that headache is over with. Looking back I would never do that whole relationship again because of her.

 

Especially when your partner is heavily influenced by the mother.

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Don't get married. If you think it's bad now, it will be worse later. Cancel the wedding plans.

 

When you marry someone, they're always a "package deal." I know. I've been married for a long time and my in-laws came with that deal. Fortunately, my problem is not as bad as yours.

 

Think long and hard before you make a serious legal commitment otherwise you'll regret it for years to come.

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Firstly, she (MIL) is rude, very abrupt, when i first met her she couldnt have been less interested in making a first impression.

 

YOU are the one, as the date of her daughter who should be making a good first impression, not mother.

 

Now that we have that out of the way -- if mom adjusts her underwear and burps and farts, then just chalk it up to mom being "different", or mentally deficient, decide "that's just her" and don't let it bother you.

 

I think that the other stuff -- has to totally do with your girlfriend who has not cut the apron strings. She reads letters because the girlfriends shows them off and allows her to. I would not marry at this point. Girlfriend has to come into her own with her mother otherwise she will allow mother to run your household.

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The massive details that stick out:

We went on our first holiday overseas and because we didnt invite her she booked the exact holiday in the exact hotel a few months later and took my girlfriend with her. I took my gf to LA to propose (we live in the uk) her mum also wanted to come with us. She comments on anything we post on social media about how she didnt get an invite, how we do things without her. If we go shopping somewhere, she asks that she comes with us next time. She wants to be involved in all the wedding plan's and doesnt ask to come to our appointments, just tells us she is coming. She pressured my gf into having her cousin as bridesmaid at our wedding. She has spoke about buying a house nearer to us.

 

I don’t care about the other fluff in your OP... THESE are the glaring red flags that need a serious boundary check. Mom is a home wrecker. Your fiancée needs to step up and be the adult here by being more assertive and shut her down whenever she acts out of line. Otherwise this woman will continue to run your relationship... because your fiancée LETS her.

 

So for the wedding, who is paying for it? When you guys start accepting money from family to help pay for all the luxuries, then they get a say in planning. If you want a wedding where you and your fiancée control all of the planning, then you both pay for all of it.... venue, catering, photography, open bar, attire, everything.

 

If you think she’s this bad, just wait until you have a baby. My husband is a Yes-Man around his mother, and the only reason our relationship is still functional is because his parents live across another ocean away from us. But I had to butt heads with my parents and in-laws EVEN MORE once I was pregnant and had my child. I still do sometimes and she’s only one-years-old. Enforcing boundaries with parents never stops.

 

You got some soul searching to do. I would personally cancel the wedding unless your fiancée can start stepping up to her mother and mean business.

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Well I wish you luck, you will need it.

 

Is your gf an only child? My guess is yes.

 

You need boundaries with this woman, there's been many suggested here in posts before mine. Enact every boundary you can think of. Pay for your own wedding so you can call the shots. My mother would have run our wedding so we made sure to pay for everything so she had no say.

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I suggest pre-marital counseling. Perhaps a skilled therapist can address those issues in ways that will get through to your gf, since you haven't been able to. I'd also get a book on relationship boundaries and take turns reading it out to one another. I'd explain that you want your marriage to work, but you need to act as a team to make sure nobody, even family, has the right to just invite themselves over and to be a part of decisions you don't want them to be a part of. I'd make sure your gf knows how serious you are about wanting improvements, and that you fear what will happen if things continue as they are.

 

I wouldn't marry until you see your gf placing boundaries on her mother for the good of your partnership. My MIL just passed away, but my husband and I never accepted any invitation to eat at her place because it was unsanitary. Fortunately, it wasn't really an issue that she pressed about. In your case, it might be. If I were you, I'd maybe bring a few dishes to share and "pretend" to be picky, and that's why you bring your own food. Just an idea, but you might be able to think outside of the box to come up with a plan for that issue. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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She treats my 26 yr old girlfriend like a baby, arranges to go to her medical appointments with her, still bought her underwear until she moved out, used to read personal valentines and birthday cards id sent her. When she moved out, made her take all her Disney stuffed teddy's and kids toys but told her she cant throw them away. She facetimes her atleast twice a day everyday and texts all day in between, and complains when we do things without her.

Sounds to me like your girlfriend is a bit of a "mommy's girl" and doesn't look like she has any issues with her mother making medical appointments for her or buying her underwear etc etc. Girlfriend is quite happy NOT to cut the apron strings - seems quite happy to remain attached (imo). THAT is a red flag and something you need to address.

 

What does her mother think of YOU? Do you know how the mother feels about you? Trust me, she (the mother) will be VERY aware about how you feel about her. People can very easily pick up the negative vibes.

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Firstly, she (MIL) is rude, very abrupt, when i first met her she couldnt have been less interested in making a first impression.

 

YOU are the one, as the date of her daughter who should be making a good first impression, not mother.

 

Now that we have that out of the way -- if mom adjusts her underwear and burps and farts, then just chalk it up to mom being "different", or mentally deficient, decide "that's just her" and don't let it bother you.

 

I think that the other stuff -- has to totally do with your girlfriend who has not cut the apron strings. She reads letters because the girlfriends shows them off and allows her to. I would not marry at this point. Girlfriend has to come into her own with her mother otherwise she will allow mother to run your household.

 

You have misunderstood me im afraid. Yes i know it was for me to make a good impression and as i said i did, i am always polite, i spoke to her and was very courteous but was met with a cold, less than interested demeanour. However i dont feel i need to prove myself to anyone anymore. If she is that rude why should i trip over myself to be polite.

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Again, a total deal breaker. Never mind the crazy controlling, the apron strings and the rest.

 

"" she spits when she talks, so going out for a meal with her is uncomfortable, she will sit in a dress with her legs far too open because she is quite large and cant fold one over the other but will be showing everything. She belches all the time. When she invites us around for a meal, she plates the food up with her bare hands, and i once saw her do that after "adjusting" her underwear."

 

As Wiseman sagely remarked: "The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree".

 

I am quite appalled.

 

You have been courteous to this woman OP, done your best.

 

In your place I would call it a day.

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I suggest pre-marital counseling. Perhaps a skilled therapist can address those issues in ways that will get through to your gf, since you haven't been able to. I'd also get a book on relationship boundaries and take turns reading it out to one another. I'd explain that you want your marriage to work, but you need to act as a team to make sure nobody, even family, has the right to just invite themselves over and to be a part of decisions you don't want them to be a part of. I'd make sure your gf knows how serious you are about wanting improvements, and that you fear what will happen if things continue as they are.

 

I wouldn't marry until you see your gf placing boundaries on her mother for the good of your partnership. My MIL just passed away, but my husband and I never accepted any invitation to eat at her place because it was unsanitary. Fortunately, it wasn't really an issue that she pressed about. In your case, it might be. If I were you, I'd maybe bring a few dishes to share and "pretend" to be picky, and that's why you bring your own food. Just an idea, but you might be able to think outside of the box to come up with a plan for that issue. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

I'm quoting Andrina and bringing her post to this page as I'm not sure if you've seen her suggestion in bold. Both of you will have to work as a team. If there's this much resentment now think of what will build up over the years.

 

I can empathize with you on the issue with in-laws. My relationship with one (ex) in-law was not always easy. I can tell you that regardless of how far away she lives, your relationship with her will continue to take a downward spiral if both your girlfriend and you aren't able to work as team. You may even want to consider whether this is a dealbreaker in the long run if your girlfriend harbours traits that you find intolerable or immature.

 

Where is your girlfriend's father in all this? Did she have a relationship with just her mother? I ask as there may be issues under the surface if your girlfriend's mother has always had to play both roles - mother and father in raising her and supporting her.

 

What her mother wears, how she sits or other small issues shouldn't bother you. That's part of her and her personality. Where things start to cross the line may be how she interferes or seems to act as a third wheel in personal decisions involving your girlfriend and you.

 

Keep in mind also that family members who contribute monetarily may feel as if they have a large say in the ongoings of marriage or wedding preparations. If she is making a large contribution or playing a very large role in how you procure venues, catering or outfits, this is not unusual behavior. Weddings can be a difficult time for everyone.

 

Pick your battles and figure things out as a team with your girlfriend. I don't see this working out very well if you are constantly bothered by every detail about her mother but I do hope you're both able to come together as a team and draw better boundaries about what is or isn't acceptable when it comes to joint or important decisions between the both of you.

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