Jump to content

Boyfriend changed his mind about moving in together


Kden
 Share

Recommended Posts

I don't know what to do. During lockdown my boyfriend and I were separate and doing great. We talked together on a daily basis, we did virtual movies, etc. He even spoke of experimenting with my moving in. I was so excited and a little panicked as I thought it was perhaps too much to go from not seeing each other at all to being each other's only companionship if we had to ride out quarantine together. Later it was communicated that I misunderstood and he actually meant me not moving in but being around more, i.e. experimenting with a month or week living together. Now that quarantine is over I tried implementing this idea and he told me he meant we could talk about it.... then just yesterday he confessed he wasn't ready for this step at all. We have been together a year and a half and I thought we were moving forward. I don't understand what changed his mind and it's created a large problem in our relationship. I don’t know how to get past it as I feel lied to and betrayed. I want to be with him but we fight every couple months about the same issues. I want to move forward but he doesn't and he provides me with no indication of when he will be. He claims to want to be with me and says I am included in his future plans. Should I let this go and give him his time? How do I get past the hurt feelings?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What are the "same issues" you argue about every couple of months? How old are you both? Pre-virus, how much time did you spend together and how? Was it a healthy balance with you, and time apart with friends and hobbies? Or does the scale weigh heavier on his alone time or time with his friends?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The same issues tend to be moving forward. I've brought up my spending more time over in the past and he said he wasn't ready. Or I've tried to have discussions on what we mean to each other and he always says it's not a good time. Every attempt to move forward I am pushed back and told that he likes his space. That's why I was so excited this time as I thought he was ready. For the first time moving in came up without me bringing it up. I'm 30 and he's 34. Pre virus we had our own separate lives and hobbies. We would spend the weekend together and one evening a week.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Girl at 34 and he's dragging his feet....you need to put your feet with someone else. You want a husband someday...I believe if he isn't excited to live with you and prepare for marriage and children, it's a waste of your time. A year and a half is ample time to figure out where you want to go next.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear and I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't seem like he is as intetested in moving forward as you are.

 

I don't think it's a healthy or happy relationship, if one person is always chasing and the other is always putting up the stop sign.

 

You have to look at his actions and words for what they are. And then you have to decide for yourself if you're willing to tolerate this. I'm sure it hurts your feelings. Your feelings are growing. His remain the same.

 

It sounds like your needs aren't being met and from his perspective its like it or leave it.

 

As much as it hurts to let someone you see a future with go, you're breaking your own heart holding on to a guy that is not equally committed.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you were just in your early 20's, I'd say sure, give him more time. However, you are both adults in your 30's. This is a fully grown man who knows his mind and what he does and doesn't want.

 

You are pushing, he is telling you "no" very plainly. If you want a proper relationship, you need to stop wasting your life and time on this guy and go find one who actually wants what you want. This guy is just feeding you enough bs lines to keep you around hoping....except as you can see, hope leads nowhere. He likes to keep you at arm's length and he'll keep stringing you along as long as you are willing to keep hoping.

 

If you are looking for a man to build a life and future with, have a family with, please do not waste another day on this guy. Believe the reality you are facing - after 1.5 years he doesn't want anything more than just dating and that's not going to change, at least not with you. You rightly said yourself, you've known each other long enough to know what you want and what you want doesn't match. He wants to carry on as is, you want more and you won't get it from him.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kden.

 

Here is the answer (in your own post)

 

"I want to move forward but he doesn't and he provides me with no indication of when he will be."

 

and

 

"Later it was communicated that I misunderstood and he actually meant me not moving in "

 

He has no interest in you OP. Not worth your hurt. Leave him behind, better things ahead of you.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you everyone. Even though all opinions point in the same direction I still struggle with what to do. Like you have said I get these hints of something more or even outright ideas and proposals about the future but when it comes time to do the things he says he changes his mind and I get very confused. I tend to form relationships with emotionally unavailable people. I was hoping this time was different.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

People who are compatible agree on all the major things, including how much time to spend together and timelines when going to the next stage match. You've been given the info needed that your incompatibility leads you to being regularly frustrated. That's because he's happy lingering at point B, while you're ready to move to point C with your sites set on D and onward.

 

My husband once dated someone who said she needed space, so he gave it to her in spades, like forever, and thank God since I became his new gf, who loved all the time he wanted to devote to me.

 

Think back at the earliest signs this was a trait he possessed, so that you can recognize and avoid wasting any more time on future prospects like this. Take care and let us know how you're doing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear this. He is not as invested as you and does not want what you want. You need to pull way back rather than crowd and suffocate someone who seems rather indifferent.

 

"I'm not ready" means he's just coasting along. Stop the future and relationship talks. See what he does. Stop trying to accelerate and push things forward.

The same issues tend to be moving forward.

 

he said he wasn't ready.

 

he always says it's not a good time.

 

I am pushed back and told that he likes his space.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know why you would want to move in with this person after he's expressed he's hesitant to move in with you. This is him being supremely honest about the situation and you've got your lucky stars to thank! Be a bit more positive about this because there is no other option. You can either stew about it, become bitter and unapproachable, perhaps have the relationship fall apart or you can sit back and think thoughtfully and re-evaluate your ideas about the relationship or what your ideas are.

 

If I was your boyfriend in this situation, watching you react so badly to not being able to move in right this moment this year, for instance, would raise a lot of red flags. I'd be asking myself why this woman is so hard up to move in with someone and what her motives might be.

 

Have faith and don't let this situation devolve or move backwards in bitterness or assumptions. Both of you may have a lot more to learn and grow before taking the next step.

 

Have a good look at your personal situation also and maybe have a good think about whether you're trying to escape something else. Never depend on another person for your living situation or a shared situation. It hurts now but brush yourself off and start thinking. Be a bit more logical about the process of moving in and put aside the emotions for a second. It's tough being rejected or feeling sidelined but this could be one of the best silver linings.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm now wondering if this is my fault, if I pushed too hard.
No. You didnt.

 

You are entitled to your own feelings, to want things to progress.

 

This is about him... some people they dint want to be alone, but they don't want to be completely in with another person.

 

It is the act of a user for sure. I would dump this guy like a hot potato and find your future with someone capable of making a future... not dangling a carrot and then pulling it away.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you everyone. Even though all opinions point in the same direction I still struggle with what to do. Like you have said I get these hints of something more or even outright ideas and proposals about the future but when it comes time to do the things he says he changes his mind and I get very confused. I tend to form relationships with emotionally unavailable people. I was hoping this time was different.

 

Unfortunately you have picked yet another emotionally unavailable guy, so maybe it's time to work on yourself and think long and hard why this happens. In many respects, it's the like attracts like principle. You might not be aware of it, but it's very likely that you are yourself unavailable on some level. At this point, probably worth thinking about long and hard so you can fix that and get the life that you actually want.

 

The whole he says things....well....yeah...that's how he strings you along. Don't look at what he says, look at what he does. What he is does is where the truth is and you already know his behavior is crap even if you are having a hard time facing it.

 

As for blaming yourself.....please just don't. It's not a rabbit hole you want to go down and it won't do anything for you. If he was emotionally available, if you had an actual healthy relationship, you wouldn't be pushing anything. He'd either be moving things along with actions himself or be thrilled to talk, make plans with you when you bring it up and actually proceed, take action. He'd be excited instead of stalling like crazy while bs'ing you at the same time with empty promises. This guy is going a step beyond empty promises in that he says something, gets you excited, then denies saying it and tells you that you are just not understand correctly because he really said something completely different, must be you being cray cray. It's called gaslighting - look it up.

 

You've got to find the strength to walk away from this time waster and you've got to sort yourself before you try dating again. If you keep picking these sorts...the reason is within you and it needs resolving.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

In reality, OP, this is the main issue to be addressed. Why you have that tendency. And how to get rid of that tendency, and dodge the emotionally available individuals of this world.

 

"I tend to form relationships with emotionally unavailable people."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You want a guy that will go to the end of the earth for you, and wants to make you happy because he is very happy to be with you...this guy is coasting along telling you what you want to hear. I agree he's just dangling a carrot and pulling it away. He's just keeping you at arms length out of convenience.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think this is not going to end well for you, OP.

 

I would take this as an opportunity to have a long, hard think about what you want and if this man is capable of being that guy for you. It seems there are more indications than not that you ultimately want different things .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm now wondering if this is my fault, if I pushed too hard.

 

I don't think you have. But your alarm bells aren't going off. Take a big step back and try and figure out why you keep wanting something from someone who isn't willing or happy to share the same things with you. Your alarm bells should be setting off immediately - either thinking about whether there's some merit to his thoughts and decisions or whether his sloppy thought processes should be something you should be recoiling from.

 

You may have looked for signs that just weren't there. He's now showing you what he really thinks. It's up to you to make sense of that as you will - whether there's some reasoning behind his changing his mind (there may very well be a good reason or you set off some of his alarm bells also) or whether he's not to be trusted at all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly, i would not want to date a man who wanted to do a "trial run" of us living together. Someone who does that wants to see how you are about putting your clothing in the hamper. If they want to make a commitment, they don't care about that. When you want to marry someone, you have already found out the important big stuff is just right. And the person is someone you can talk to about things if someone irritated you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He is not willing to commit to you and he wants his freedom. He doesn't want to feel tied down by you. It's typical for many men.

 

You have to respect and accept his choices even if you don't feel like it nor like it. He wants you to be just his girlfriend on his terms. Either remain patient and have a committed relationship when he's ready sometime in the future or break up with him if his conditions aren't good enough for you.

 

I'm sorry for your hurt feelings. He's not willing to give that much of himself to you and he's not placing that much worth into you which hurts. You need to determine if you're willing to just be the girlfriend and that's it. If being his girlfriend for just talks and movies, it's like having a good friend and nothing more. Ask yourself if this is all you want? If he's good enough for you at this rate, maintain the relationship. If you want more and he's unwilling to budge regarding moving in together, nothing will change.

 

Also, be careful with wanting to move in together. If you want to eventually marry him, not all men are willing to marry you after moving in together. Sometimes "playing house" doesn't result in marriage. To the contrary, reality sets in with paying bills, doing household chores, grocery shopping and the like and suddenly it's not so fun anymore compared to dating.

 

A real man has sincere intentions to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you even before moving in together. Learn to differentiate different types of men. Some men want to be carefree for a long time and other men are more serious regarding commitment and marriage. Become a good judge of character.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • If Only A Narcissist Could Say THIS
      The more you are exposed to a narcissist, the more you struggle with the question: "Why can't this person appreciate the legitimacy of me succeeding?" Dr. Les Carter muses about a statement that you won't hear from a narcissist, but offers strong words of affirmation about how to thrive despite the narcissist's gaslighting.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Surviving & Maintaining The No Contact Rule
      Surviving and maintaining the no contact rule to take your power back so you can attract better and reach your full potential. In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email success story from a viewer who went through a bad breakup about a year ago. He says that his ex broke his heart into pieces and my work helped him get through a very dark time. He says she is stalking his social media and calls from different numbers, but he has not given into weakness or the urges to let her back into his life. It’s an interesting account of a man’s journey to self-love, self-respect, healing and overcoming a toxic relationship that no longer serves him.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 spiritual habits that changed my life
      5 spiritual habits that changed my life
      • 0 replies
    • When a Man Ignores You - One Text Makes Him Regret It Immediately!
      In this video, I'm going to explain what to do when a man ignores you. I will also explain the reasons why men ignore the women they date and you will learn 2 powerful text messages that will turn things around and make him regret it and change his behavior. Are you Being ignored by someone you care about? IF so, you know it’s one of the most frustrating and difficult situations to deal with especially when you don’t know the reason. That’s why In this video, I’m going to share the reasons why the person you’re dating or interested in might be ignoring you. And I’m going to tell you exactly what to do about each of them.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Johnny Berba's best tips for mental health improvement: taking action reduces anxiety & depression
      In this video, Johnny Berba shares his best tips for conquering anxiety and depression. Maintaining good mental health is not as hard as some people think, it's really about taking small action steps.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...