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Andyj88

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I am curious as to what makes a girl toxic. I was friends with benefits with a girl for about 4 months before it got confusing, after I talked with her about it, it continued to be confusing, and after I talked to her again, she dodged everything I said and tried putting it back on me instead of understanding how her actions were messing with my head.

 

The first time we hung out, we had sex, and then laid in bed cuddled up talking for 6 hours straight. We went to college together and are both 22. We agreed to be friends with benefits but it slowly got more and more confusing for she started to call me her man to her friends, made me send her music to listen to, would FaceTime me all the time, and we would talk all day. In addition to hanging out every weekend. I caught feelings and told her, and we agreed to stay friends and not have sex anymore because it was starting to get confusing. She hit me up for sex 5 more times. She told me it's because she was 'sexually comfortable' with me.

 

After the sex stopped, we continued to talk all the time. She sent me text message screenshots of guys hitting on her, was territorial and got jealous about other girls, and even asked me if I was talking to girls trying to make her jealous. She also told me to not get swooped up by any of her friends. She would tell me she likes me as a friend, but would continue to cross boundaries. Why would she be doing these things?

 

I talked with her more recently again, telling her that I didn't know what her intentions were, and how the things she was doing were affecting me. She dodged everything I said and told me she was 'just joking' and hayride making it seem like I was the one not thinking straight. She would contradict herself all the time. A couple people who know her has told me she is toxic and manipulative, and is just emotionally confused. She has a bad relationship history and is the youngest of 6 siblings and comes from a wealthy large family. We got really close really quick, and I still have feelings for her and don't know what to do.

 

We haven't talked as much lately. Ever since the most recent time I told her why I was confused and how her actions were affecting me, she backed off and we haven't talked much since. She still sends me random messages/Snapchats every now and then, and I don't know why. What are you guy's thoughts on this situation?

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The whole thing is very simple. She only wants FWB as she told you from the get-go. Where you went wrong is that you are very bad at protecting/enforcing your boundaries.

Her definition of FWB seems to include behaviours that you class as relationship activities. If these behaviours were messing with your head it was YOUR responsibility to yourself to stop participating in these behaviours i.e. stop hanging out every weekend, stop talking all day, stop having sex. She didn't force you into anything, you willingly kept letting her cross your boundaries. You can stop confusing yourself by holding on to false hope any time. You just need to accept that she doesn't want anything more than FWB from you and that her FWB definition includes behaviours that you would class as something more, hence, you are confusing yourself. If you can't handle her behaviour and you can't take her word at face value, then the simple solution would be to stop engaging her altogether i.e. stop replying to her in any manner. Otherwise, she will keep randomly messaging you and you will keep wasting energy hoping for something that doesn't exist. When words and actions don't match in a romantic relationship, in 99.9% of the cases it's the worst case scenario. It's that simple.

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She wants to have sex with you, doesn't actually want any kind of commitment or to have you as a boyfriend but also wants you to sit on the shelf and wait around until she wants to use your body again.

 

It's not a compliment and it's not a nice thing to do to a person. It does not mean she cares, it does not mean she's wanting you for a boyfriend. It just means she'll use you and toss you as she pleases and you're not mean to say anything about it.

 

You do realize that you're probably not the only guy she's doing this to, right?

 

Your friends are absolutely right, she's toxic and selfish. She's only considering her own feelings at this point.

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I would agree with the posters above on her not being toxic, however, she is playing with your emotions, pulling you in and then dumping you again. Even though you have told her outright that you're confused and not sure of what is going on.

 

She's more than well aware of what game she's playing and how she is playing with your feelings. At this point though, she just doesn't care.

 

You need to stop running when she calls. You're making yourself look very weak and she will respect you even less the more you roll over and are available anytime she messages.

If you're confused about sex and wanting her as a girlfriend, then I would stop seeing her altogether as it will never turn into a girlfriend scenario. It would have already if it was going to.

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