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Is there ANY hope at all for me?


funkyzoom
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First, a bit of background. I'm a 34 year old man belonging to an ethnic minority in the country I live in. I am an immigrant here, and I hail from a culturally backward country where dating and relationships are still taboo, and are frowned upon. One of the reasons I moved out of my home country, is because I felt suffocated living in such a backward culture. I now live in a reasonably liberal western country (moved here 4 years ago).

 

Due to the culture I grew up in, my experience with women has been pretty limited. I have only been in three relationships, and they were all pretty short term. I haven't done anything physical beyond kissing, and a bit of foreplay (so I am technically a virgin). My 'relationships' too were never really relationships, they were mostly me being led on and eventually discarded like a used tissue for someone supposedly 'better' than me (taller, better looking, more educated, making more money or a combination of these).

 

The problem is, I am quite clueless about how I should interact with women, considering my cultural background. I am always respectful, and never do or say anything inappropriate. But it seems like no one is attracted to me. Whenever I have seen 'signs' of someone being attracted, I am proved wrong. I don't know if I am found undesirable due to my ethnicity, lack of experience with women, my accentor something else.

 

At the end of the day, I am just as human as anybody else. And a straight man, I can't help that I am attracted to women. I Just want to find someone to eventually settle down with, and get married.

 

There have been times when I have been so dejected that I have explored options to 'desensitise' myself to feelings of lust and attraction, but none of them have worked.

 

Is there any hope for me, considering that I am a 34 year old 'technical' virgin who also happens to be from an ethnic minority? Some people have suggested me to visit hookers, but that just doesn't appeal to me, and I don;t think I would do that. Yet others have recommended 'dating coaches', but I am not too keen on this either.

 

P.S. I seem to be doing decently as far as my professional life is concerned. I have a decent job, and I am able to make enough money to put away a couple of hundred bucks per month as savings. Not exceptional, but still quite good considering I had to start my career over from scratch after moving here.

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The problem is, I am quite clueless about how I should interact with women, considering my cultural background. I am always respectful, and never do or say anything inappropriate. But it seems like no one is attracted to me. Whenever I have seen 'signs' of someone being attracted, I am proved wrong. I don't know if I am found undesirable due to my ethnicity, lack of experience with women, my accentor something else.

 

One place to start might be this: how/where do you meet women, usually?

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Have you tried getting more involved in the local culture? For example volunteering, taking classes, joining groups, clubs, sports, etc. You need to know how to talk to and interact with women because of your lack of experience as well as getting a better grasp of the local dating situation. You could also try dating apps, but first try to assimilate better.

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I think your background emotionally stunted you. You should find more friends and people with whom you can be yourself with. Explore a new range of emotions and thoughts, learn more from different people. You don't always have to have someone to go somewhere with. Go by yourself and make new friends.

 

Please don't resort to sex workers or paying for sex. You seem emotionally fragile and I think this will throw your self-esteem further into a gutter. Not recommended and this is poor advice.

 

Work on your self-esteem and confidence a bit more. Stop carrying the virgin issue like a chip on your shoulder. Shrug it off and look in the mirror, take a good look at all your skills and good qualities. Mix around good-hearted people who are sincere and whom you enjoy spending time with. I think you're too focused on what you want and not on what you are - all the good things about you.

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One place to start might be this: how/where do you meet women, usually?

 

It is almost always through introductions by someone known to me. And I have only been able to 'date' two women in the past 5 years, and neither of them lasted beyond two dates.

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Have you tried getting more involved in the local culture? For example volunteering, taking classes, joining groups, clubs, sports, etc. You need to know how to talk to and interact with women because of your lack of experience as well as getting a better grasp of the local dating situation. You could also try dating apps, but first try to assimilate better.

 

I am a part time student, so I do involve myself in student groups at my university. I have no problems just talking to women, but I have no friggin' clue how I can attract someone. People say attraction has to happen naturally, but it hardly ever happens with me.

 

And because hardly anyone seems to be attracted to me, I am not sure what is wrong with me. I often tend to think it could be about my height, ethnicity, financial status (I am not doing terribly, but definitely not what is expected from a 34 year old).

 

Dating apps have never worked for me. And from what I hear, especially for men, dating apps only work if they are highly physically attractive. I am not unattractive by any standards, but definitely not among the top 10% on dating apps that women seem to exclusively go for.

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I think your background emotionally stunted you. You should find more friends and people with whom you can be yourself with. Explore a new range of emotions and thoughts, learn more from different people. You don't always have to have someone to go somewhere with. Go by yourself and make new friends.

 

Please don't resort to sex workers or paying for sex. You seem emotionally fragile and I think this will throw your self-esteem further into a gutter. Not recommended and this is poor advice.

 

Work on your self-esteem and confidence a bit more. Stop carrying the virgin issue like a chip on your shoulder. Shrug it off and look in the mirror, take a good look at all your skills and good qualities. Mix around good-hearted people who are sincere and whom you enjoy spending time with. I think you're too focused on what you want and not on what you are - all the good things about you.

 

Thank you for your kind and sensible advice.

 

You are right, I totally despise my cultural background, and the way it has crippled me regarding healthy interactions with women. I was 29 when I moved to where I am now, so perhaps the damage had been done by then.

 

I have tried making friends locally, but I struggle because of my self esteem issues.

 

And no, I would never visit sex workers or anything. If I wanted to, I would have done it ages ago because prostitution is legal in the country I currently live in.

 

Whenever I see couples out in public, I always question why I am so undesirable that not ONE person would even give me a chance to prove I am as capable of anyone else with love and affection. And I have subconsciously begun glorifying men who are able to find a woman, believing that they all have some special trait that I lack.

 

I do know I am good at a lot of things. I have overcome significant barriers to be where I am today, and I always feel proud about that. But it appears like none of this matters when it is about just finding someone to date or be in a relationship with. Even when I do get to go on a date, which is very rare, I always have this feeling of walking on eggshells, where one wrong word I say could get me rejected immediately.

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Do you have a strong preference for women of your own ethnicity, or do you mostly date locals?

 

Not at all, I have no ethnic preference. But I suppose men of my ethnicity aren't really desirable by women of most ethnicities anyway. Several surveys have shown this.

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It's up to you to stop the negativity. People pick up on that. Stop telling yourself you'll fail.

 

I have always failed, I have no positive experiences with dating and relationships to draw from. I don't consciously tell myself that I'll fail, but that's what happens every damn time.

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  • 1 month later...

funkyzoom,

 

First thing is to understand that there is nothing wrong with you and to not beat yourself up over it. I know, that's easier said then done. Also know that you're not alone. I'm 37 and a virgin with little that could be considered a real relationship. And it's not about looks, financial situation, confidence, or anything like that. It's simply never the right time or match. I've been depressed, I've questioned why me. I looked up what people had to say about this recently and found that more people then you would think wait this long and longer before finding love, men and women. And plenty of woman have no problem with it. I've even been told that it's sweet and romantic. So don't give up, you're pot of gold is out there somewhere.

 

The key is to not let the negative thoughts overwhelm and to instead focus on the good. Be you and do what you enjoy. You have to be okay with yourself and happy living your own life. When you are doing what you love, you can be your true, authentic self and the light that is within you will naturally shine. You'll be more likely to find someone who likes you for you and with whom you have something in common with. And even if you don't, you'll be having to much fun to care. Yes, there will be down days where you doubt yourself again, but they will pass. Always remember you are a good person who deserves love, most of all from you.

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