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Are friendships just a waste of time?


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Hey everyone. I normally come on here to vent about dating/romantic relationships. But today, it's about friendships. I turned 30 this year. Progressively throughout my life, I've lost one friend after the next. And, it's always to women. They find someone, they get serious dating, eventually get engaged or married. You feel like you're slowly pushed out of their life over time. I guess this is to be expected and happens to a lot of people I've been told throughout life.

This week, or day in particular, this is kind of a painful day. I pretty much had one close friend left, who I considered most of this time my best friend. Well, as of today, I kinda have decided internally that we're not really friends anymore. :icon_sad: It's actually been sitting on me for a few weeks now thinking about this. He normally asks me to his families house for 4th of July. This year, I haven't heard anything. Now, it's very possible that's because of the virus or something. But still, to be dead silent. And even if he asks, I'm not sure I want to go, anyway.

 

We used to play a lot of these online games together. Now, he's never online anymore. "Last online one month ago". He never texts, he never calls. I just hear from him less and less. Yeah. He's another one... got a girlfriend last year. Now she's the center of his world. He told me he goes to her house every evening for 2-3 hours. Well, that explains the game time, then. I've ultimately been shoved aside to make room for his girlfriend. I don't get it what's with these people. When I got deep with someone years ago, I never shoved my friends aside like that. I just feel there's a balance to everything in life. This has happened to me even with older men I have befriended. They got retired and moved away with their wives, and progressively speak to you less and less.

I'm reaching that point at my life where friendships feel like a complete and utter waste of time. Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like at times, I've been happier having friends in my life. But I am certainly NOT happy, when they just progressively speak to me less and less and less. Once I'm not really friends with them anymore, the thoughts and memories I have of them deeply bother me. I just wish I could erase some of them from my memory. I get a "fine, you don't want to talk to me anymore, **** you and the memory of you".

 

What's even more difficult about this is my struggles with dating. I can't find anyone. I went on a lot of dates last year, none worked out. One bad experience with one of them even left me with a severe case of OCD (yes I've been diagnosed and am even medicated over it now on an antidepressant). I've done a lot in the past year to improve my life, new career, money, I have turned my mental health problems around via the medication and committing to therapy over six months. I've come to terms a lot with my dating life, especially over therapy. I realize that, it takes a lot of time to date and find the right person. And I often try to rush things or force chemistry when there is none. I am trying to find other means to be happy in life besides wanting a partner. But this friendship thing today, it feels like a little bit of salt in the wound. And it burns extra when you see all these other people finding someone and you are not. It definitely makes you feel like, there is something wrong with you, even if there's not. I also question why I even bother fighting to improve myself and overcome my struggles. I used to think people cared about me. I know realize, they really don't.

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First, let me say that I'm sorry you feel this way. But, I feel that that is the nature of many people when they meet someone. It's not right. They find someone, make them their main focus and "forget" about the people around them and who are their friends are. Should the relationship fail, they come back and tell you about their problems. Really??? Those people, IMHO, are not genuine friends. Priorities change, I get that. And some of these people may encounter their own problems so they put friendships on hold. Granted, they are excited and happy to be in a new relationship, and it's understandable but, I feel they should not forget about their friends. They should make an effort to occasionally call or text. But, that's just me. Perhaps I expect too much from people.

 

I'll share my sad and pathetic story with you. I am recently divorced after a 29 year marriage. Before the divorce, we had a good amount of mutual friends. We were quite close with several of them. During my separation, I reached out to a couple of them and told them about the divorce via Facebook because I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable by actually calling. They responded to my message and that was it! I tried a number of times without success. If the situation were reversed, I would have offered them my support, no doubt. They all turned their backs to me. I have no friends now. Slowly, I realised that if they were genuine friends, they would have been supportive, especially during my darkest days when I needed them the most. So, I don't think much of these people. I will say that I have some on-line friends who have been incredibly supportive. I am so grateful to those people.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think much of friendships anymore. Perhaps I will feel differently in the future. I'm not angry, just very disappointed and hurt. As far as I'm concerned, they could all go to h*ll. I'm pretty happy without them.

 

"I also question why I even bother fighting to improve myself and overcome my struggles." You should do this for yourself, musicman. You are responsible for your own happiness so keep doing this. You are still so young, so don't give up, OK? I hope that someday you will find someone who truly cares about you, and gives you the love and respect that you deserve.

 

In conclusion, friendships are definitely not a waste of time. You just have to find the right people.

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Hi Goddess, thank you for your time in writing that message, and it helps hearing from others who have dealt with this throughout life!

 

First, let me say that I'm sorry you feel this way. But, I feel that that is the nature of many people when they meet someone. It's not right. They find someone, make them their main focus and "forget" about the people around them and who are their friends are. Should the relationship fail, they come back and tell you about their problems. Really??? Those people, IMHO, are not genuine friends. Priorities change, I get that. And some of these people may encounter their own problems so they put friendships on hold. Granted, they are excited and happy to be in a new relationship, and it's understandable but, I feel they should not forget about their friends. They should make an effort to occasionally call or text. But, that's just me. Perhaps I expect too much from people.

 

I TOTALLY agree with you on that! People put so much weight and value into their relationships. Even if you're married, it's just not right IMHO. The sad reality is, and you've been through it having gone through a divorce, love doesn't always last. People split for a myriad of reasons. Life is unpredictable and people change, even romantic partners. And for that reason alone, it is a very good idea to never shut off the other people who have been there for your throughout your life. I think, in almost all my cases of friends, they get blinded by that early "puppy love". Or the honeymoon phase some call it. It seems so special and magical to them that they forget about everything else in their life.

 

My friends girlfriend. I always butt out of peoples business as much as possible. But speaking on here, yeah, he got too deep too fast. On their third date, he bought her a freaking Nintendo Switch! I told him that was way overboard. It sounded like she didn't even like the gesture at first. When we were hanging out one day, one of his siblings ripped on him for dating her because she does not want kids. I was actually shocked to hear that. And him, he was totally fine with it, "oh I'm fine with her not wanting kids". Now, I understand why some people don't want to have any, and that is totally their right. But my friend, he seemed to be the kind of guy that would be a good dad someday and someone whom wanted kids. And I feel like, he just likes this girl that much that he is agreeing to it, and not really thinking about what he wants.

 

The time he spends with her, too, 3~ hours a day, really?! When I was dating and last serious with someone, I'd spend a day or two with them, and leave the rest of my week open to myself and other interests. BALANCE. But him, he goes to this girls house for hours. I don't know how they don't get a bit bored of one another. And, I don't know what they even do. Now, I haven't talked to him in months about this subject. But last he told me, they never had sex! And because she doesn't want to get pregnant. Again, personal choices, I get it. But, the kind of guy he is... I don't know how he is going all this time without getting sex! And I think that sexual chemistry is kind of important, especially when you've been with someone for that amount of time. He even said they were thinking of living together. But they never even had sex?

 

I don't know. It's not my life but his, I have a feeling in my gut though that this isn't the right woman for him. But yeah. I appreciate everything else you said. I try to do things for myself. And I agree on finding the right people. While I'm not gonna slam the door in my friends face, I wouldn't mind finding other like-minded people to me out there with similar values. I'm a pretty diehard musician (see the username), but I actually have no friends now that are musicians. I would love to make some, it's a pretty big part of my life. The coronavirus unfortunately is making it hard to get out of the house and do anything either, though.

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I have just a very few friends. Sadly, all of them live out of state, partly because I moved and partly because they moved. But I have messenger conversations with a couple of them pretty much every day and another one maybe once a week. The rest are very casual friends who I communicate with maybe a couple of times a month.

 

With Covid and my anxiety I don't see my friends (or my family) in person. I see my son and his spouse about every 2 weeks for a walk and my other child is not available for me to see in person right now. So I don't have much human interaction. To be honest, even before the pandemic I almost always chose to do things alone rather than with a friend because I like to do my own thing maybe a bit too much. I wanted to decide where to go and what to eat and how long to be out. But now, I can't even see anyone when I want to (with the exception I mentioned previously).

 

Once Covid is under control I would like to see people more. I would like to join some social groups just to be around people a bit. I've always been the type who makes friends wherever I go, so I'm hoping that happens again.

 

Also, I only really have one lifelong friend. She too lives far away and we don't communicate much. It's just the way things turned out. We're both divorced and both have kids but we don't seem to talk really anymore. Not even sure why TBH.

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Musicman.

 

Look, you cannot compete with a wife/future wife/LTR/GF. Particularly when people get married they have a lot going on at the outset. It doesn't mean they forget old friends. But it is a fact that married couples or LTR couples tend to fraternize with other couples.

 

People do care about you. And you should make an effort to call them by the way.

 

So, all these friends of yours have acquired wives/LTRs. In other words, women. You complain you meet no one. I am betting your friends would be glad to introduce you to someone or more than one.

Their wives and LTRs surely have women friends? Who might be glad to meet someone like you. Why don't you ask them. Maybe set up something like a dinner at one of their homes. You would be amazed at the number of people who meet their future spouse/LTR through their married/LTR friends.

 

Next:

 

For heaven's sakes, OP, re-read this!

 

" I've ultimately been shoved aside to make room for his girlfriend."

 

I bet he's never online, and my imagination runs to the more entertaining activities he is finding in those 2 or 3 hours with his lady!.

 

Talk to them, OP.

 

And does the lack of logic in this rather mad remark not strike you.

 

And it burns extra when you see all these other people finding someone and you are not. It definitely makes you feel like, there is something wrong with you, even if there's not

 

So get a move on and ask those married/LTR friends and their ladies to introduce you to some of their female friends. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

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Musicman.

 

Look, you cannot compete with a wife/future wife/LTR/GF. Particularly when people get married they have a lot going on at the outset. It doesn't mean they forget old friends. But it is a fact that married couples or LTR couples tend to fraternize with other couples.

 

People do care about you. And you should make an effort to call them by the way.

 

So, all these friends of yours have acquired wives/LTRs. In other words, women. You complain you meet no one. I am betting your friends would be glad to introduce you to someone or more than one.

Their wives and LTRs surely have women friends? Who might be glad to meet someone like you. Why don't you ask them. Maybe set up something like a dinner at one of their homes. You would be amazed at the number of people who meet their future spouse/LTR through their married/LTR friends.

 

Next:

 

For heaven's sakes, OP, re-read this!

 

" I've ultimately been shoved aside to make room for his girlfriend."

 

I bet he's never online, and my imagination runs to the more entertaining activities he is finding in those 2 or 3 hours with his lady!.

 

Talk to them, OP.

 

And does the lack of logic in this rather mad remark not strike you.

 

And it burns extra when you see all these other people finding someone and you are not. It definitely makes you feel like, there is something wrong with you, even if there's not

 

So get a move on and ask those married/LTR friends and their ladies to introduce you to some of their female friends. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

 

Totally agree. I wasn't one of those "now that I'm married/coupled/a parent" etc I have no time for friends. The opposite. My close friends mean so much to me. Some friendships did prove to be a waste of time but in general I think friends are essential and friends should accommodate lifestyle changes to the extent possible. I was one of the last to marry/have a child but I traveled all over to the suburbs to see those friends who left our city once they had kids for example.

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People put so much weight and value into their relationships. Even if you're married, it's just not right IMHO. The sad reality is, and you've been through it having gone through a divorce, love doesn't always last. People split for a myriad of reasons. Life is unpredictable and people change, even romantic partners. And for that reason alone, it is a very good idea to never shut off the other people who have been there for your throughout your life. I think, in almost all my cases of friends, they get blinded by that early "puppy love". Or the honeymoon phase some call it. It seems so special and magical to them that they forget about everything else in their life.

 

My friends girlfriend. I always butt out of peoples business as much as possible. But speaking on here, yeah, he got too deep too fast. On their third date, he bought her a freaking Nintendo Switch! I told him that was way overboard. It sounded like she didn't even like the gesture at first. When we were hanging out one day, one of his siblings ripped on him for dating her because she does not want kids. I was actually shocked to hear that. And him, he was totally fine with it, "oh I'm fine with her not wanting kids". Now, I understand why some people don't want to have any, and that is totally their right. But my friend, he seemed to be the kind of guy that would be a good dad someday and someone whom wanted kids. And I feel like, he just likes this girl that much that he is agreeing to it, and not really thinking about what he wants.

 

The time he spends with her, too, 3~ hours a day, really?! When I was dating and last serious with someone, I'd spend a day or two with them, and leave the rest of my week open to myself and other interests. BALANCE. But him, he goes to this girls house for hours. I don't know how they don't get a bit bored of one another. And, I don't know what they even do. Now, I haven't talked to him in months about this subject. But last he told me, they never had sex! And because she doesn't want to get pregnant. Again, personal choices, I get it. But, the kind of guy he is... I don't know how he is going all this time without getting sex! And I think that sexual chemistry is kind of important, especially when you've been with someone for that amount of time. He even said they were thinking of living together. But they never even had sex?

 

I don't know. It's not my life but his, I have a feeling in my gut though that this isn't the right woman for him. .

 

I cannot believe I am reading this. Your friends' marriages/relationships are totally NONE of your business. What they do, say, think, give gifts of, whether they are in deep or not deep, whether they have sex, no sex, or sex with the entire street. NOT your business!

 

Will you listen to yourself!!

 

". I don't know how he is going all this time without getting sex!" That is ENTIRELY his business and no one else's. You have no idea what goes on behind any couple's closed doors. And you would do well to keep your opinions to yourself about their relationships, sex, lack thereof, kids, no kids, dozens of kids, and any other private matters.

So one of them bought a Nintendo for a woman. His money, his choice, no more than if he had bought her two Cadillacs. And you had the nerve to tell him it was "way overboard".

 

And if people split, that is also their business.

 

Start contacting your friends, to ask how they are and NOT to enviously criticise them for their choices. Do you think they don't notice?!

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My heart goes out to you, MM. I don't view friendships as pointless, I view them as dynamic. They are voluntary, not in stone, and they tend to change over the course of time.

 

This doesn't have to be a 'bad' thing, as long as we are dynamic, too, in our continual cultivation of new acquaintances over time. We learn, also over time, who among these might evolve into a greater friendship even while we respect the limits of each person.

 

So some people might be sports friends who are lousy at conversation, or movie friends who don't share our politics, or great confidants who hate crowds and won't attend events or parties with us.

 

Everyone has their weaknesses or limits of investment as we age into our priorities.

 

Gone are the days of youth when we could homogenize well with almost anyone and build an instant affinity. As adults, we solidify into our own personalities, and we won't be everyone's cup of tea, and we won't form the insta-bonds that could spell a 'best' friend so easily while we were blank slates.

 

Our focus changes over a lifetime. Our paths with others diverge, not because of disloyalty, but because new priorities emerge that we hadn't considered while we bonded in more carefree times.

 

Once the majority of my friends became knee deep in diapers, I could no longer hear a complete sentence without a screeching interruption from babes in the background, and I got it. The simpatico I had enjoyed with these loved ones while we were BOTH single and focused on one another just was never going to be there.

 

No villains here.

 

Yet, the people who have mattered the most to me have re-cycled back into my life over time. This doesn't mean within a few weeks, it has meant ~years~, simply because our paths diverged and re-synched at a more appropriate time.

 

So don't burn bridges. This isn't personal, it's predictable. That's why we are responsible for keeping up with our own focus on always cultivating NEW acquaintances even while we maintain a partial focus on older friends. Whenever the old friends slip into a switch on their priorities, we've already developed an ability to focus on our newer friends to minimize any real or imagined insult.

 

Sentimentality brings people back again at certain points of life. A pandemic is NOT the time to measure that sentiment. If I've been deliberately 'safe' for two weeks prior to visiting family members, I'm not going to break that bubble to invite anyone who might put my loved ones at risk.

 

This isn't a 'like' thing. We can't say, "Oh, it's only Joe. He likes us, he wouldn't infect us." This is a time when NObody owns control over our environment beyond isolating ourselves from others.

 

Keep your head high, and don't take a deep dive into an unnecessary rabbit hole that's difficult to climb back out of. A pandemic isn't personal. A new focus on priorities isn't personal. Sure, none of it feels fabulous, but it's up to each of us to continually build dynamic networks of potential friends who may someday gel into fabulous relationships--but often times, not.

 

Not everyone is our match. People come into our lives "...for a season, for a reason, or forever." We never know who will be which.

 

Head high, Luv.

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I'm more of the live and let live vibe also.

 

Stay away from getting bitter towards others' choices. Whatever you choose is fine for yourself but learn not to waste your energy over individuals who certainly aren't wasting theirs on you.

 

To each their own and that is perfectly ok. I've had friends go off into the sunset with their partners and I'm the one cheering them on. Why on earth do I want to be a part of that? I'm happy for them and don't have any desire to be a third wheel. We all grow in different directions. Some friendships last a very long time and I think the best ones that do don't require backbreaking effort either. You are comfortable weaving in and out of each others' lives, touching base once or twice a year on a shared trip or a long phone call.

 

I'm recently separated so yes, I can attest to all the raw and negative and rude assumptions that some have made (thankfully, not many). Almost everyone I know is very kind and wonderful. If people choose not to associate with me or not keep in contact that's ok too. I don't mind. It leaves room for making new friends. I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm thinking or feeling so why should I assume to understand them?

 

If you like music so much why not pick up an instrument or take up a new instrument? Go to the corner of the street, down to the beach or some place nice and start busking. You don't need to brush shoulders with anyone playing music for free and enjoying yourself. Stay positive and keep living your own best life without worrying so much about what other people are doing.

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Friendships do ebb and flow. I have had some friends in the past that as soon as they got boyfriends they dumped me altogether. Only to try to reconnect when their relatio ship ended. Those are not good friends.

 

The other side of that is, a new relationship is exciting and heady, so there can be some distance. Its the same when someone starts a new job or has a baby... it can take awhile to get into a routine to include social time with friends.

 

I don't mean to say it doesn't hurt or make you feel left out....I agree with the advice to ask to be set up with a nice single friend of one of the girlfriends.

 

And also make more friends... i always have different groups of friends... and i still do. from different jobs, the kids i grew up with, college friends, book club friends, happy hour at the local bar friends... when one is not around, I'll spend time elsewhere...

 

its tough now because if your area is like mine, the virus is still strong... but aside from this anomaly, work on getting more going for yourself and then you won't feel so left out. like right now I'm kinda just stuck with work and phone calls with friends. So i focus more on my personal interests tv shows, books, crafts, plants, cooking, that kind of stuff.

 

Get a dog and go to the dog park... or foster a dog if you don't want commitment to an animal. you can volunteer at the shelter.

 

Focus on changing your energy to attract better. its like you gotta believe and then you'll see. Not the other way around.

 

Someone is looking for you too.

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I don't have much to add. I'm 30 as well and all of my friends are pairing off. I had several relationships in the past but now have been single for over a year (will be 2 early next year) and have no plans or desire to change that. It was SO much easier having couple friends when I was part of a couple. Now it's harder when you're single, at least my experience.

 

I'm learning to accept being alone more and fill my time with work and school. I see friends on occasion but less now. It's either find a partner or learn to enjoy being single and accept that you're going to be alone more. I'm doing the latter but you need to figure out what works for you.

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Musicman.

 

Look, you cannot compete with a wife/future wife/LTR/GF. Particularly when people get married they have a lot going on at the outset. It doesn't mean they forget old friends. But it is a fact that married couples or LTR couples tend to fraternize with other couples.

 

People do care about you. And you should make an effort to call them by the way.

 

So, all these friends of yours have acquired wives/LTRs. In other words, women. You complain you meet no one. I am betting your friends would be glad to introduce you to someone or more than one.

Their wives and LTRs surely have women friends? Who might be glad to meet someone like you. Why don't you ask them. Maybe set up something like a dinner at one of their homes. You would be amazed at the number of people who meet their future spouse/LTR through their married/LTR friends.

 

Next:

 

For heaven's sakes, OP, re-read this!

 

" I've ultimately been shoved aside to make room for his girlfriend."

 

I bet he's never online, and my imagination runs to the more entertaining activities he is finding in those 2 or 3 hours with his lady!.

 

Talk to them, OP.

 

And does the lack of logic in this rather mad remark not strike you.

 

And it burns extra when you see all these other people finding someone and you are not. It definitely makes you feel like, there is something wrong with you, even if there's not

 

So get a move on and ask those married/LTR friends and their ladies to introduce you to some of their female friends. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

 

I read both of your replies here. You know, for the past X amount of years I've had friends on countless occasions tell me they're going to set me up with someone, and they *NEVER* do. Especially the one that I made this post about. I've heard so many times, his girlfriends roommate, another friend of his girlfriends, or he gets people to gatherings at his place that are already taken and play games. Just empty hopes or promises that are never seen through. He knows how bad I've had it with people I'm not compatible with online, too. That never changed anything.

 

And you know what else? At this point, I don't know if I can EVER be with someone, anyway. This OCD I mentioned earlier? I'm gonna be blunt and tell you and everyone else the truth. I have what's known as "sexual orientation OCD". Because ONE bad physical experience I had in my life, I became absolutely obsessed with the idea that, I must be gay/bi/asexual or something else because I wasn't turned on by one woman in my life. It got viciously bad, like someone went into my brain with a pair of scissors cutting cords. I would think about 300-400 times per-day. I couldn't relax, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't watch TV without thinking or worrying about it. Like a germaphobe, but instead of constantly washing my hands, I was constantly checking people out to see what kind of sexual reaction I would get. I had to go to an OCD specialist and be medicated. I'm very at-peace now, but my dating/relationship life is complete uncertainty. I know now that I was dealing with a mental illness and intrusive thoughts, and I still want to be with a nice woman. But, I don't know how my brain is going to react to that, if there's going to be constant fear or anxiety that I'm going to "change" on them one day, even if it's irrational. I've more or less comes to terms with the fact that I may never be able to be in a relationship with someone ever again because of this. If it's not me, it's the women I date, I don't think anyone would ever want to date someone like me knowing I had this.

 

So how would you like to have a condition like this, and to know that that part of your life may never be "normal" again? I feel embarrassed even talking about it, because people don't understand. They think I'm either being homophobic (when gay people get this condition too), having a sexual identity crisis, and/or that it's not a real condition when it is. And this is what makes this friendship predicament more scary. If I can't have a relationship because of this, and now I can't have friends either, what place do I have deal with any humans at all outside of work?

 

And that goes on to your next point, couples tends to fraternize with other couples. Well, there you go. No one wants to spent time with a single weirdo that doesn't fit in with them anymore. And you're wrong, people DON'T care about me. Actions speak far louder than words. I do reach out to people, I don't know how many "friends" I can tell you about that I have called/texted out of the blue. They'll want to meet or make plans, and then never do. The same goes for this friend. I periodically text him, tell him stuff going on with me, ask him about his work and etc. I feel like the initiation is very one-sided at this point. This mental health crisis I had, I had to deal with this entirely by myself.

 

I ultimately feel like an annoying burden to people once they find a SO. Maybe I am, that's the only reason I can come up with why people stop talking to me so frequently when this happens. At least some of you others dealing with this have family or kids or whatever. I don't. Oh well. I'm gonna have to find a way to live life without any real friends, now.

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No, friendships are not just a waste of time. Granted, I've only retained a few friends from my childhood including a BFF (best friend forever). My BFF and I were childhood friends, she was my maid-of-honor at my wedding, I too was in her wedding party and our sons are the same age. Fortunately, she's local and only within a 30 minute drive from my house. My other friend was from HS and she too is local although I'm not as close to her as my BFF. I have a few friends outside my two closest friends and that's it. Everyone else is an acquaintance.

 

My BFF and I take walks, meet for meals, stay at the mall all day and enjoy our outings once or twice a month. Occasionally, our husbands join us as a foursome at a restaurant for dinner. We've attended church worship services together, basketball games, festivals, etc.

 

I admit I'm one of those married women who drifted apart from long ago friends from when I was single. However, they too did the same. Many of us moved faraway, changed jobs, some friends divorced with broken families (kids) while others were met with tragedy such as their son's early death and all sorts of sad stories. Sure, there's FB or social media but it's not the same as real life friends whom you meet in person regularly.

 

Try not to feel so jaded and wary regarding friendships. Not every friendsship was meant to last for the long haul. It's not uncommon for married people to drop friends. It's not due to hate either. It's due to new shifted focus onto their significant other, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife and then if there's children, parents become super busy between working and child rearing. There are only so many hours in a day and unfortunately, friendships get the shaft.

 

Don't give up on friendships. There are friends out there in this world for you. Some are keepers while others will fade away from your life. It's nothing personal. Heck, ever since I married, I'm not that close to my siblings and mother anymore. I've been very happily married for a long time and my husband and sons are my whole world. All of my needs are met and I'm perfectly content. I still maintain contact, they're local and we'll reunite for the holidays. However, we're not close anymore and everyone is satisfied. No harm, no foul.

 

People become apathetic and indifferent. Not everyone is enthusiastic about cultivating, nurturing and maintaining friendships. Friendships are time consuming and expensive. Expensive meaning eventual birthday and holiday gift exchanges, social restaurant meetings, tickets, entertainment and a fun lifestyle all cost money. Only some friends are willing to put forth this type of effort and time. It's human nature. However, it doesn't mean that everyone is this way. There are friends out there for you.

 

Lower your expectations and you won't get hurt anymore. In the future, you will meet new friends. Try volunteering in your community if you want to meet empathetic types, join a church if you are faith based, enroll in a class, begin a sports 'n fitness program, delve into a hobby or intellectual pursuits. You're bound to meet friends going those various routes.

 

Chin up, musicman777. All is not doom and gloom!

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I have what's known as "sexual orientation OCD". Because ONE bad physical experience I had in my life, I became absolutely obsessed with the idea that, I must be gay/bi/asexual or something else because I wasn't turned on by one woman in my life.

 

There's another poster on here who is dealing with a similar problem. You might want to review some of his threads and/or reach out to him:

 

I've been suffering from HOCD, Anxiety, and Self Doubt about my sexuality for seemingly forever now, but very heavily over the last 2.5 months, it's all I think about

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564608

 

As for friendships, I think they are definitely worth it. Right now, your envy and anxiety are getting the best of you and clouding your judgment on the matter. I think if you revisit the issue under less stressful circumstances, you will probably agree that friendships have value.

 

And that goes on to your next point, couples tends to fraternize with other couples. Well, there you go. No one wants to spent time with a single weirdo that doesn't fit in with them anymore.
That's not entirely true. I have a single weirdo friend that hangs out with my boyfriend and me on a regular basis. We go to restaurants together. We all enjoy food and conversation, so we have fun.

 

There are also couples that I don't enjoy hanging out with, for one reason or another.

Edited by Jibralta
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Here's a thought (and I don't mean to make light of your condition): stop focusing so much on it. It is what it is. You have your whole life ahead of you. I'm betting that the right person will come along when you least expect it. It may take some time so, in the meantime, focus on yourself, hobbies, etc. Do your best to keep yourself busy. Stop comparing yourself to your the couples that you know. Stay out of their business. You're single now; learn to embrace that. It's not so bad. Think of all the positive things in your life and be grateful for that. This is very important.

 

Know that some friendships will lessen with time. It's a fact of life, not a reflection on you. People change jobs, location, have children, etc. You hang in there, mucisman! Enjoy your weekend.

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I have experienced the evolving matter of friendships myself. Some strengthen. Some fade to something less than its original form. Some totally end.

 

After my first marriage ended, I wanted to stay busy with fun activities on my days/nights off, but my handful of friends at the time and I had different work schedules, different days off, and they had their own significant others and other priorities, so were not always available to spend leisure time with me.

 

One outlet I found where other people were enjoying an activity I thought would be fun was going to dance lessons. The one I participated in most was East Coast Swing. At most of the sites, there was a one hour group lesson followed by a two hour dance. Since you like music, you might find this new hobby to be fun. When I started searching in my area, I was shocked to see how much was going on in the dance world that wasn't really advertised that much including West Coast Swing, Tango, Salsa, Two-Step. When friends aren't available, it's a great place to meet new people and to learn a new skill.

 

Other great places to spend your time enjoyably could be: book discussion groups, writer's groups, being a docent at a museum, zoo, or aquarium. Meetup.com also has many activity groups you could research. Obviously you're not the only person who has to actively seek out other people to spend time with, or Meetup.com wouldn't exist. I know I enjoyed some of those activities I attended included going to a Blueberry festival, a barbecue where you had to dress like a hobo, and just meeting for drinks and appetizers on a second floor patio at a bar. At least when my friends were busy, I could be proactive and seek out my own entertainment instead of just watching t.v. by myself on a Friday night.

 

Take care.

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I read both of your replies here. You know, for the past X amount of years I've had friends on countless occasions tell me they're going to set me up with someone, and they *NEVER* do. Especially the one that I made this post about. I've heard so many times, his girlfriends roommate, another friend of his girlfriends, or he gets people to gatherings at his place that are already taken and play games. Just empty hopes or promises that are never seen through. He knows how bad I've had it with people I'm not compatible with online, too. That never changed anything.

 

And you know what else? At this point, I don't know if I can EVER be with someone, anyway. This OCD I mentioned earlier? I'm gonna be blunt and tell you and everyone else the truth. I have what's known as "sexual orientation OCD". Because ONE bad physical experience I had in my life, I became absolutely obsessed with the idea that, I must be gay/bi/asexual or something else because I wasn't turned on by one woman in my life. It got viciously bad, like someone went into my brain with a pair of scissors cutting cords. I would think about 300-400 times per-day. I couldn't relax, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't watch TV without thinking or worrying about it. Like a germaphobe, but instead of constantly washing my hands, I was constantly checking people out to see what kind of sexual reaction I would get. I had to go to an OCD specialist and be medicated. I'm very at-peace now, but my dating/relationship life is complete uncertainty. I know now that I was dealing with a mental illness and intrusive thoughts, and I still want to be with a nice woman. But, I don't know how my brain is going to react to that, if there's going to be constant fear or anxiety that I'm going to "change" on them one day, even if it's irrational. I've more or less comes to terms with the fact that I may never be able to be in a relationship with someone ever again because of this. If it's not me, it's the women I date, I don't think anyone would ever want to date someone like me knowing I had this.

 

So how would you like to have a condition like this, and to know that that part of your life may never be "normal" again? I feel embarrassed even talking about it, because people don't understand. They think I'm either being homophobic (when gay people get this condition too), having a sexual identity crisis, and/or that it's not a real condition when it is. And this is what makes this friendship predicament more scary. If I can't have a relationship because of this, and now I can't have friends either, what place do I have deal with any humans at all outside of work?

 

And that goes on to your next point, couples tends to fraternize with other couples. Well, there you go. No one wants to spent time with a single weirdo that doesn't fit in with them anymore. And you're wrong, people DON'T care about me. Actions speak far louder than words. I do reach out to people, I don't know how many "friends" I can tell you about that I have called/texted out of the blue. They'll want to meet or make plans, and then never do. The same goes for this friend. I periodically text him, tell him stuff going on with me, ask him about his work and etc. I feel like the initiation is very one-sided at this point. This mental health crisis I had, I had to deal with this entirely by myself.

 

I ultimately feel like an annoying burden to people once they find a SO. Maybe I am, that's the only reason I can come up with why people stop talking to me so frequently when this happens. At least some of you others dealing with this have family or kids or whatever. I don't. Oh well. I'm gonna have to find a way to live life without any real friends, now.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your OCD and the struggles you experience. It's good you're getting treatment and are on medication. I hope you'll continue improving.

 

Something I observed from your post and comments is that while you really want to have friends, you actually seem quite judgemental of the friends you do have. You said some judgemental things about your friend and his girlfriend and you nit picked his relationship. What he does with his girlfriend is not really any of your business. If he's fine with not having kids now, that's his choice. People are allowed to change their mind.

 

If you want to have friends you need to be supportive of them, and yes, even their romantic relationships. People want to be friends with someone who is happy for them, happy they found a partner. I have a best friend of 16 years. I always wanted to get married and have kids, I'm 35 but that never happened for me. My best friend found a guy in 2009. In 2012 she got married and after that had two kids. I was jealous of her, I won't lie. But I was really supportive of her relationship and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. I haven't been spending as much time with her since she got married and had kids, but we are definitely still best friends and we talk regularly.

 

To have lasting friendships you need to actually offer something to the friendship. That includes being accepting that your friends are in a couple. If you act resentful that you're single and they're not, it'll show and you'll push them away. You can't act all huffy that your friend doesn't play video games with you anymore because he's at his girlfriend's place. Yes people do want to find someone, and you do too. If you find a girlfriend, you might be spending a lot of time with her too. If your friends get a partner, then to continue the friendship you need to be on friendly terms with the partner too. Understandably someone's life changes when they're in a couple and you can't just expect your friend to lead a bachelor life and just do online gaming all the time.

 

Also why are you complaining and acting bitter that your friends haven't set you up with anyone? You're 30, you're a grown man. It's not your friends' job to find you a girlfriend, it's your job. I think you need to stop pitying yourself and blaming your friends for things you don't have. If you want things in life, you have to work at it. That includes having friends too.

 

You can still make new friends by going to Meetup.com events, meeting friends online, social groups, hobbies, gaming, you name it. I know it sucks your friends drifted off, but there are opportunities to make new ones. If you just complain and don't do anything about it, you'll still be in exactly the same place with no friends.

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I agree, TinyDance. The onus is not on OP's friends to find him a mate or try to get him set up. Most of my friends have no idea what I'm into (at least, what I used to be into) in the past and I wouldn't let them set me up with anyone because I don't trust them in this way. Ultimately, you are the judge of knowing what's right for you and if you want a partner, you have to find them.

 

If it makes you feel any better, some of your coupled friends (not all, but some) will be divorced in due time anyway. You can be the much-needed escape for them on occasion, on their designated kid-less weekends.

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I agree, TinyDance. The onus is not on OP's friends to find him a mate or try to get him set up. Most of my friends have no idea what I'm into (at least, what I used to be into) in the past and I wouldn't let them set me up with anyone because I don't trust them in this way. Ultimately, you are the judge of knowing what's right for you and if you want a partner, you have to find them.

 

If it makes you feel any better, some of your coupled friends (not all, but some) will be divorced in due time anyway. You can be the much-needed escape for them on occasion, on their designated kid-less weekends.

 

So true. Many of my coupled friends had promised a friend of theirs that they would 'fix him up' with me. But once they raised the idea me, I kindly explained that I don't do fix ups. If they wanted to host a party or event where I could meet their friend unencumbered by expectations, then I'd be happy to attend. Otherwise, the pressure of performing to everyone's hopes was not something I was willing to take on.

 

So beyond hosting something where a given guy and I could meet and organically opt to bond--or not, the couple who volunteered me without my consent was left with zero to report on whatever promises they'd made to their friend.

 

OP, from this experience I'd avoid targeting your friends as your matchmaker and understand that they cannot volunteer another person to live up to their ideals.

 

You can either fault them for their intentions, or you can figure out how that serves you in any way.

 

And BTW--nobody wants to hang out with anyone holding a chip. It's not something spoken, just felt--and it's a real turn off.

 

Choose your attitude wisely, and take adult responsibility for forming new friendships. You will thank yourself later.

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I have set up many people in my life and been set up many times. I love it when it's a person who's given thought to why he/she thinks we'd be a match - I give a lot of thought too and am very clear if I don't know the person well. I think it's a fantastic way to meet potential life partners.

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I have set up many people in my life and been set up many times. I love it when it's a person who's given thought to why he/she thinks we'd be a match - I give a lot of thought too and am very clear if I don't know the person well. I think it's a fantastic way to meet potential life partners.

 

Not knocking it for anyone, but it's also not the point. It just makes no sense to view oneself as ripped off if a friend offers a fix up and fails.

 

Orchestrating other people is not something anyone can reasonably promise to deliver.

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Precisely, CatF.

 

"It just makes no sense to view oneself as ripped off if a friend offers a fix up and fails.

"

 

Blaming one's "friends" (and there is a vast difference between casual acquaintances and long-time friends) makes no sense at all.

 

We do have single friends, and see them as and when. That's no big deal. They are busy people, some have a BF/GF, some just dating, one is engaged (met his future wife at a friend's wedding).

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I have set up many people in my life and been set up many times. I love it when it's a person who's given thought to why he/she thinks we'd be a match - I give a lot of thought too and am very clear if I don't know the person well. I think it's a fantastic way to meet potential life partners.

 

It really depends on the friend circle. I would never trust any of my friends' recommendations. I know what they think is "best for me" and it's clear that they can't pick for me but that may be because they don't know me well enough in this area. About 2 weeks ago, I was offered to be set up and I said no, absolutely not, I am not interested in speaking to this person. I know from the get-go it wasn't worth my time. Nevermind that I say I'm not interested in dating and they still want to make suggestions, hmm.

 

I think friends setting each other up works only if the friends in the group are mature AND know each other well enough to know what the other person likes/is into in terms of partners. Setting up friends with other friends because you want them to be together/ulterior motives isn't going to work well. But if friends really know each other and care about the other person's preferences, then yeah, it can work well.

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Not knocking it for anyone, but it's also not the point. It just makes no sense to view oneself as ripped off if a friend offers a fix up and fails.

 

Orchestrating other people is not something anyone can reasonably promise to deliver.

 

I've never tried to orchestrate anyone. Of course fix ups are not for everyone.

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