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Feeling Empty. I Really Want my Ex Back


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My ex boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. We dated for a year. I literally cry everyday, I cannot stop thinking about him. I feel physically sick, and things haven't eased up at all since the breakup. I know that when a breakup happens, you should take it seriously and assume that its over for good. But I am holding on to hope because I love him. This is the first man that I (sort of) lived with. The first man I saw a future with. I wanted more time with him..

 

Here is our last conversation dated 06/13:

 

Me: So, just to confirm. You're okay with salvaging a friendship.. just as long as we both have a mutual understanding that it's just that and nothing more?

 

Him: Yes we can be friends

 

Me: So there is absolutely no chance for us at all?

 

Him: I don't know. I need time.

 

Me: Okay, I respect that. And honestly, I need time too. But if you feel in your heart that there is no chance, please say that. My love is reserved for you until you say otherwise. Have a good night, take care of yourself

 

Him: You too

 

Before that text message, I called him and we stayed on the phone for about 2 hours. He still has some of my things, we have not yet made arrangements for me to pick them up. I told him that I didn't want things to be done between us, but he assured me that things are in fact over. I told him that we did not exhaust all options, and that maybe time away is a good thing for the both of us. I asked for us to reflect and maybe ease back into things later. He told me that he doesn't see that happening and if it did, it would be in the distant future...I haven't been in contact with him for 19 days. I am willing to correct my downfalls and work on myself so that I can be a different (better) person if I ever get a chance. But if I don't... how long should I wait before I ask if things are final?

 

Here is a little more context:

He was emotionally withdrawn. I was full of love. I gave it my all. We were together for a year, in that year, he never told me that he loved me. I asked him why he didn't love me, and he told me it's because he did not feel that strongly for me but he's emotionally slow and feelings for him takes time. My heart shattered. I always felt like his second choice compared to his ex. He was with her for 3 years and wanted to marry her, but she didn't so they walked away from one another. I came into the picture shortly afterwards (about 3 months after). I felt like his heart was somewhere else. And no matter how many times I questioned him, he told me I was not a rebound and the only people who matter in our relationship is us. He told me that he no longer had feelings for her. He "buried" those feelings long ago. Yet he would stay in contact with her. I was extremely self conscious but I tried not to let it bother me.. but it did, and I could not relax in our relationship. I kept wanting to have conversations about our relationship to check if everything was alright, or was there something else I could be doing for us.. but apparently I brought it up so much it bothered him and he started to get annoyed with me. I was trying to make something work, but he was cold at times and when he got cold, I got anxious and irritated, and we would bicker.I am only telling you the bad part of our relationship. We had wonderful and loving times together, but my insecurities weighed heavy.

Edited by ConfusedLady21
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If you love someone enough, isn't it worth fighting for? I am willing to put in the work to fix things.

The trouble here is that HE doesn't want to fight for YOU. He doesn't want to fix anything. That's your cue to move on. A one-sided "relationship" will never work out.

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Sorry about this. I think it's a given, regardless of the people and the specifics, that the first month after a breakup is just harrowing. I know that's of little comfort at the moment, but maybe just think of these emotions as waves you have to ride, rather than waves to react to, corral, or attempt to control.

 

That said, I'm curious: When you write the "more context" section above, does any part of you feel that you're describing a relationship that is better off over than restarting? I'm familiar with your posting history, but putting that aside: What you just described sounds pretty agonizing, like really wanting to return to a restaurant where two out of ten meals is good, while the others result in food poisoning. A year spent in a ragged emotional state, feeling that his heart is elsewhere, that you're second fiddle to a mythic ex, your own confidence depleting by the day as your insecurities simmered and boiled—well, that's just a lot of turbulence. I get that there were some wonderful and loving times—there always are—but even those were with a man who didn't love you.

 

So while I understand that the void of loss sucks—believe me, I've been in it a few times—what I'm not quite understanding is the instinct to resume all that.

 

But as for your question of when to ask if things are final? I think you've already asked it, and gotten an answer. He wants time, lots of time, likely indefinite time, and has been pretty clear that his head and heart are not focused on getting back together. And you've been honest with him too: that you still have love "reserved" for him. If love is something that requires the input of another to stay activated—as I believe it does—I think there is a time limit to how long you can keep that door open. Whether he reaches out before it does—well, time has that answer, but in the meantime I'd spend these hard moments working on yourself, reflecting.

 

You may find, in doing so, that the door you very much hope he'll walk through is one best left closed, for you.

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Capricorn3, bluecastle.

As always I appreciate your input. I just never experienced unrequited love before and this is a special kind of pain to go through. How should I approach getting the rest of my things back? Is it even worth salvaging a friendship? I actually like him and would like to have him in my life even if it's just friendship.

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Is it even worth salvaging a friendship? I actually like him and would like to have him in my life even if it's just friendship.

 

I think that would be a huge mistake. You can't be friends with someone you love, and even worse, with someone who does NOT return those feelings. It's like beating a dead horse. All it results in is pain for YOU. Why put yourself through that agony? Have you got such low self-esteem that you'll chase after a man who is not interested in you? It's sad.

Have you ever considered therapy to help you through this?

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I think that would be a huge mistake. You can't be friends with someone you love, and even worse, with someone who does NOT return those feelings. It's like beating a dead horse. All it results in is pain for YOU. Why put yourself through that agony? Have you got such low self-esteem that you'll chase after a man who is not interested in you? It's sad.

Have you ever considered therapy to help you through this?

 

I am currently in therapy. Yes, my self esteem is low. My confidence is lost. I am working on it, trying to find myself. This relationship didn't help. I told him from the beginning that I was not prepared for a relationship (because I knew I had things to work on).. and he asked me if I wanted to let an opportunity pass me by because I wasn't ready. Didn't take much convincing from him because I wanted him. I just think so highly of him... and I feel so broken being settled for THEN broken up with

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Is it even worth salvaging a friendship?

 

I second Capricorn.

 

At this stage, at least, what you're calling friendship isn't really that, as I think you know. Regardless of this man's positive qualities, and regardless of the good times shared over a year, it really doesn't seem that he brought out a lot of goodness in you. I recall a pre-him thread of yours, about a crush on a "silver fox." While that wasn't the healthiest things—and, who knows, maybe a preview to this—there was a verve and buoyancy to your writing there, while my impression in your later posts, about this guy, was that of a light bulb dimming, the filament cracking.

 

Rather than think of that as some personal shortcoming, I hope you can just see it as a kind of chemistry experiment, the kind where the beaker shatters when both liquids are poured into it, rather than producing pretty colors. Happens. To ensure it doesn't happen again? I say use this moment to get back in touch with your light, to get it a little brighter, so you can gauge compatibility by someone who doesn't dim it, rather than valuing the dimming.

 

If you really, genuinely need your things? It's simple. You text him and ask him to bring x, y, and z to work, or you ask him when's a good time to send a friend over to pick it up. But if you're looking for a way to have some contact, with the things a proxy? Be honest about that, in the vacuum of your own mind, and let the things be right where they are.

 

Casualties of my last relationship? A nice grey suit, a snazzy white motorcycle helmet, and cool rug I picked up on a trip to Guatemala. Whenever I thought about getting those things back, I knew I wasn't really thinking about them. And then when those thoughts and feelings faded? It was just stuff, easily replaceable.

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I'm sorry you are going through this. I was broken up with a month ago after 2 and a half years together. It's a rough ride, the worst ride to be stuck on. But you don't have to be stuck on it. You have control over you, over how you learn and grow from this experience. We all make mistakes, it's how we learn and grow as human beings. Try to focus less on what you had, and focus more on what you can have in the future.

 

Right now, you're holding on to hope of something that may happen in the future, but the future is not set in stone and constantly changes. You can't change the past, but you do have control over the present, and the only thing that can change the future is the present.

 

He broke up with you. A break up is a permanent end to a relationship. Whether a new relationship between the two of you can be formed in the future is up for debate. But right now, you need to focus on letting go of the past. Letting him go, and focusing on you and bettering yourself for the future is the best thing you can do for yourself. Not only will you be able to see things more clearly, but you will better be prepared for what the future holds. Work on the problems you recognise as your faults in the relationship, grow into a better person and love yourself. Be with those who support you, and really love you.

 

You can't fight for something when there is nothing to fight for. He made it clear that he is done for now, maybe forever. Fight to get yourself back, fight for your happiness without this person. Fight for YOU. Happiness comes from within, not from other people.

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If you love someone enough, isn't it worth fighting for? I am willing to put in the work to fix things.

 

But HE doesn't want to. You can't be in a relationship with him by yourself.

 

This man had you feeling uncertain pretty much from day one. Do you really want to go back to that uncertainty.

 

And no, you don't want to be "friends". You want to reconcile. If you truly felt friendly toward him you would be happy if he and his ex reconciled and they invited you for coffee. It wouldn't hurt you at all.

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How long have you been going and what does your therapist say and advise you to do?

 

My new therapist is someone who chooses her patients. I have only visited 3 times so far. One visit I had to take a lot of assessments and that pretty much took up most of my time with her that day. She is more interested in focusing on what's going on with me internally and what actions I am going to take to move forward. She tells me that his man doesn't respect me in the slightest and that since I am so dead set on trying to go back and fix things, she mentioned that it was somewhat obsessive. I don't feel like I got to talk about him much.

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You have to let go. It's finished. Find peace elsewhere. It'll take time so be patient with yourself but move forwards.

 

I think somewhere in each of us we all know what's good for us and what isn't, including you, CL. This person wasn't good for you.

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My new therapist is someone who chooses her patients. I have only visited 3 times so far. One visit I had to take a lot of assessments and that pretty much took up most of my time with her that day. She is more interested in focusing on what's going on with me internally and what actions I am going to take to move forward. She tells me that his man doesn't respect me in the slightest and that since I am so dead set on trying to go back and fix things, she mentioned that it was somewhat obsessive. I don't feel like I got to talk about him much.

 

Because this isn't really about him - it's about you. She can see this, even within just a couple visits. Stick with her; she knows what she's talking about.

 

And no, friendship is a bad idea. You don't want to be friends, really. You want to be his girlfriend again. But girl, think how much it will hurt you if try to be friends and he becomes less available to you because he's met a new woman. That is what you would be setting yourself up for..

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I am working on it, trying to find myself.

divert all your focus to that, its tough but happens through small steps every day.

 

so exactly what is your daily routine? what are you doing to work on it? how are you trying to find yourself?

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Confused:

 

Therapy sessions are not for talking about someone else. That is simply a waste of time and money. Therapy is intended to put the focus entirely on you.

 

"I don't feel like I got to talk about him much"

 

I agree with the others that this therapist knows her stuff.

 

" She is more interested in focusing on what's going on with me internally and what actions I am going to take to move forward. She tells me that his man doesn't respect me in the slightest and that since I am so dead set on trying to go back and fix things, she mentioned that it was somewhat obsessive."

 

And she is right about the obsessing.

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She tells me that his man doesn't respect me in the slightest and that since I am so dead set on trying to go back and fix things, she mentioned that it was somewhat obsessive.

 

Sounds like a good therapist. I know it's not fun, but ultimately I think you'll find a lot of what you think getting back together would get you by focusing on this, untangling it: this fierce desire to be with someone who doesn't respect you, this instinct to "think highly" of a man who really doesn't sound so hot and with whom you never felt secure.

 

On that note, in hopes of you seeing him a bit more clearly, so you can move on to thinking about yourself: this is a guy who gravitated toward a woman (you) who straight up told him she was broken, damaged, not ready for a relationship. Think about that objectively for a moment. What's that say about him? Nothing noble. If, prior to meeting him, you looked in the mirror and saw a confident woman who was ready for the dice roll of exploring a connection, I suspect you'd have found him weak, not worth your time. Cute and charming and smart, sure, but driven by an ego that was ten times the size of his heart, and twice as fragile. Yawn.

 

This is a hard moment, I know. It can also be a wonderful one for you, one that prepares you to live your 30s—and your whole life—in a way that fills you up rather than drains you dry.

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If you love someone enough, isn't it worth fighting for? I am willing to put in the work to fix things.

 

Who are you fighting, him?

 

He's not on the same side, honey. You can't fight someone into wanting a relationship that he doesn't want.

 

how long should I wait before I ask if things are final?

 

He's already told you that things are final.

 

Nobody ever wants to return to the exact same relationship they had with the exact same person they've already chosen to break up with. The only shot you've got is to move forward to grow into someone who can better handle a NEW relationship on higher ground. If that's ever to be with him, it will need to be in the far-far future long after you've healed fully into someone you've become proud of.

 

Hovering around in stagnation over the past is not the way to move yourself to higher ground. Higher ground is the place from which we all gain a new perspective, and we are willing and increasingly able to allow the ex to become less and less relevant.

 

That's a place of healing, and it's the only place from which this man might someday become curious and possibly interested. He is the opposite of interested now, and you're clear that the constant questioning rubbed him the wrong way. So planning to question him in the future would only confirm WHY he doesn't want to reconcile.

 

Head high, and focus on climbing to your own higher ground. Adopt resilience as a goal, and take baby steps in the right direction. You will thank yourself.

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Ohhh dear... So sorry you re experiencing this :(. Yes, it hurts.. but so much was wrong.

And since YOU were emotionally invested, it WILL hurt you for a while, until you get over this experience.

 

I will explain from my end.. what you endured.

 

"My ex boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. We dated for a year. I literally cry everyday, I cannot stop thinking about him. I feel physically sick, and things haven't eased up at all since the breakup. I know that when a breakup happens, you should take it seriously and assume that its over for good.

But I am holding on to hope because I love him.

This is the first man that I (sort of) lived with. The first man I saw a future with. I wanted more time with him..

 

Here is our last conversation dated 06/13:

 

Me: So, just to confirm. You're okay with salvaging a friendship.. just as long as we both have a mutual understanding that it's just that and nothing more?

 

Him: Yes we can be friends

 

Me: So there is absolutely no chance for us at all?

 

Him: I don't know. I need time.

 

Me: Okay, I respect that. And honestly, I need time too. But if you feel in your heart that there is no chance, please say that. My love is reserved for you until you say otherwise. Have a good night, take care of yourself

 

Him: You too

 

Before that text message, I called him and we stayed on the phone for about 2 hours. He still has some of my things, we have not yet made arrangements for me to pick them up. I told him that I didn't want things to be done between us, but he assured me that things are in fact overr. I told him that we did not exhaust all options, and that maybe time away is a good thing for the both of us. I asked for us to reflect and maybe ease back into things later.

He told me that he doesn't see that happening and if it did, it would be in the distant future...I haven't been in contact with him for 19 days.

I am willing to correct my downfalls and work on myself so that I can be a different (better) person if I ever get a chance. But if I don't... how long should I wait before I ask if things are final?

 

~>.. Okay... It is NOT You. It is on him. You dont need to correct anything in this.. HE was not ready to be involved again.

And Do NOT think of contacting him again - to ask IF things are final.

They are. he has told you this already.

 

Here is a little more context:

He was emotionally withdrawn. I was full of love. I gave it my all. We were together for a year, in that year, he never told me that he loved me.

> Never told you because he was not in love with you. He got involved while still into his Ex. Way too soon! YOU were ready emotionally, he was not.

 

I asked him why he didn't love me, and he told me it's because he did not feel that strongly for me but he's emotionally slow and feelings for him takes time.

> This, is something you just dont do. You do not approach them and EXPECT to hear of their love for you.. UNLESS they really do, and it should be said within a year.. If not, they do not feel that deeply for you.

My heart shattered.

I always felt like his second choice compared to his ex.( You were) :/ He was with her for 3 years and wanted to marry her, but she didn't so they walked away from one another. I came into the picture shortly afterwards (about 3 months after). I felt like his heart was somewhere else. ( It was ..still with her) NEVER get into someone when they are still getting over an ex.

And no matter how many times I questioned him, he told me I was not a rebound and the only people who matter in our relationship is us.

> A lie.. and likely to try & get you to stop buggin him about it.

 

He told me that he no longer had feelings for her. He "buried" those feelings long ago. Yet he would stay in contact with her.

> Again, a Lie.. and deep down I think you knew it.

 

I was extremely self conscious but I tried not to let it bother me.. but it did, and I could not relax in our relationship. I kept wanting to have conversations about our relationship to check if everything was alright, or was there something else I could be doing for us.. but apparently I brought it up so much it bothered him and he started to get annoyed with me.

> Yes, and doing this just added to the stressors on him & expectations when the bugger should have NEVER gotten involved or led someone on when he is still messd up over another woman!

I was trying to make something work, but he was cold at times and when he got cold, I got anxious and irritated, and we would bicker.I am only telling you the bad part of our relationship. We had wonderful and loving times together, but my insecurities weighed heavy

 

Anyways.. This is all something YOU need to work on accepting.

I am sorry he led you on & for so long :(.

what you are experiencing now is anxiety.. and if it does not ease off in another month or 2, I suggest you get in and talk with your doctor,

I was put on anxiety meds a cpl times to help get thru some really hard times :(.

 

We are human.. We feel. YOU are hurt.

 

But best thing to do now.. if work on ACCEPTING this is done.

Stay NO contact.. You will NEVER hear what you want to hear from this.. loser!

 

Get yourself back to good again.. can take many, many months.. Think of YOU now.

 

Someday I believer you WILL find someone who is more decent & respectful & actually does care :)

 

One day at a time,

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