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Seeing my ex bf again for the past 3 weeks


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me recently 35 and him almost 32)We were together 1,5 years together- broke up nearly 8 months ago due to the fact we both started traveling for work too much and hardly saw each other.

 

We really never went NC- longest we have not spoken is maybe 2 weeks?

 

I went on a couple of dates with diff guys - was not interested at all. and he admitted he downloaded tinder and spoke to 2 diff girls but never met in real life. He asked many times if i were sleeping with other men.

 

Corona happened and we communicated much more- he even got me a thoughtful bday gift- something we could do together (city bike pass) which we have been cycling together.

 

We have been hanging out for maybe 3 weeks now? only about twice per week and we don't talk much between hangouts. When we do hangout its all day/all night and i spend the night (we spend most of it outside doing activities)- We also started sleeping together again. He asked me to spend the entire upcoming weekend together where we will spend most of it outside.

 

We have fun, we laugh , we see friends, he even cooks for me, also mentioned coming on a trip with me and visiting me while i am away for my project, and the sex has been amazing. and some of the nights we dont even have sex- we just read together and fall asleep snuggling. Usually when we sleep together we snuggle all night. There has been hints to be exclusive but at the same time he has said he does not see it working out in the future as I must leave again for my final project in january for about 4 months.... He has abandonment issues which stem back to his father- and i think he is just afraid to be honest...

 

 

 

His actions towards me contradict his words..He said he would like to continue how things are- which is basically like a couple in my and our friends eyes-but not. I am considering to continue seeing him as its very enjoyable and to see what happens these next few months so i am taking it slow and trying to live in the moment- i plan on revisiting the conversation if all goes well in a couple of months as i feel like this is a new relationship and we must go slow for it to be healthy and work. I mean you wouldn't date someone new after 3 weeks and ask them to be your bf. I feel like we have alot of foundation to build and to see if its what we actually want.

 

 

 

I guess my question is - for those of you that have dated an ex- how slow did you go- how many times a week did you talk and see eachother? and when (how long did it take) was the relationship officially back on . I have never dated an ex before

Edited by Iknowaline
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Enjoy the fun and companionship but believe him that he does not want a relationship on a long term basis. It's fine to date casually and be fwb, perhaps try to secure that you are sexually exclusive but try not to think of a future he is clear he doesn't see happening.

 

 

My advice about this situation remains the same: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563478&p=7196618&viewfull=1#post7196618

he has said he does not see it working out in the future..He said he would like to continue how things are
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He sounds like a nice snuggle bunny and activity partner. If you're moving away for a final project later on are you sure you want a committed relationship? Or are you looking for a committed relationship because you don't want to be hurt later if he sees other people?

 

If you feel like your emotions are getting a little too strong, cut back the time spent together and don't spend whole weekends with him. See each other every other week. Give him room to miss you a little more. I think you're spending too much time together and both of you are not on the same page about what you want/or are looking for.

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he is.. we have so much fun hanging out- to be honest i feel more open with him now than i did before if that makes any sense.

 

I told him I was not ready to jump back into a relationship quite yet but I still have feelings for him

 

oh yes and he also said during the talk "You just came back ( was stuck in the USA for 3 months bc of COVID) , and will leave again in 5-6 months- we are in. a limbo right now as you haven't been here full time since november." which makes me see his fear again- he also has made other little hints.

 

And you're right Rose Mosse...Maybe this will be the last weekend i will make myself available for him...i should see if he gets curious and comes back around

 

I have never had a breakup like this that just dragged on and on

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Ok, so you told him you would rather be fwb/date casually and are setting those terms. That is fine, so enjoy it while it lasts.

I told him I was not ready to jump back into a relationship quite yet but I still have feelings for him

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I'm not keen either on why he's asked so many times if you've slept with other men. What business is it of his? Is he worried about STDs? I'm of the mind that if someone wants to be with you (not as a piece of meat or possessive of you physically), that person will still enjoy your heart and mind and your spirit even during short periods of long distance. Do you intend to come back after your final project in Jan 2021 or is it up in the air?

 

If you are intending to come back regardless of what you're doing in the period between now and Jan-Apr 2021, I don't see what the big deal is (as in why he is sidestepping the idea of being in a monogamous and committed relationship). Did both of you talk or discuss your issues from the relationship before?

 

I think cut back the time you're spending with him and ask some difficult questions about whether this person is as connected to you as you are to him (mentally/emotionally). It sounds like he's more concerned about you physically and where or whom you sleep with while he's not around physically.

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OP, when he is telling you that he doesn't see this working out in the long run and doesn't see a future with you he is being brutally honest with you.

 

The rest is just him having fun for now and you trying to read something more into that and making excuses for him.

 

When a guy tells you what you don't want to hear, believe him, because he is telling you the absolute truth. He is telling you that he doesn't see a future with you and you can take that to the bank. You are the Ms. Right for Now girl, but not for keeps. If that works for you, carry on. If you want more, drop this guy and seek more elsewhere.

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Well because i think he is jealous- no?? why else would he ask. I honestly think he feels something but just is afraid - i have had relationships before and they never linger like this one.. I mean why have we both kept up with eachother for all this time after the breakup and neither have successfully dated ??

 

The city where I am at is my home... we had no problems in our relationship before i started traveling- everything was fun and it was good.We both just don't do distance well..so we ended it

 

And yes- we both admitted they we grew alot while we have been away(personally) as there was not cheating or drama in our relationship before- we had some mental things to work out.. me with issues i had from childhood and him as well. As i said i feel more open to him now than before in some ways- i see him as someone very special in my life..

 

And about me leaving- he said he would visit me before or after my project and wants to see the city through my eyes..why would he want to come?

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Ok, so you told him you would rather be fwb/date casually and are setting those terms. That is fine, so enjoy it while it lasts.

 

because i think that its not healthy just to rush back into something- you have to start all over - like a new relationship

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Enjoy it for what it is then. It's up to you if you want to keep waiting around for someone who is "afraid". Afraid of what, I am not even sure, especially considering apparently there was nothing wrong at all with your relationship except for the distance.

 

It doesn't add up. If what he's looking for is a local interest to snuggle with all the time, then no, this isn't going to work because he'll constantly be intimidated or afraid of you studying or completing projects in another town. If he's looking beyond the physical aspect and is in love with you as a person and both of you know you'll end up in the same town in 2021, he wouldn't be behaving the way he is or non-committal.

 

I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of hurt. Slow down and see what this guy is about. Just because you've dated before doesn't mean you know him.

 

When someone shows you what they are and what they aren't able to deal with or cope with it's a clear signal to you of what you should or shouldn't be accepting. See whether being around him is fulfilling as it appears.

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So you believe he wants you two to be back together officially.

 

If you believe that, then you don't need any of us to agree with you.

 

I see it differently but it doesn't matter. What you believe is what you'll believe no matter what anyone says.

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It doesn't seem like either of you are rushing into anything other than fun FWB. He may want sexual exclusivity because it makes sense for sexual partners to be on the same page with that.

 

He is clear he sees no long term potential which also makes sense since you will be leaving and the LDR thing was too difficult for both of you. Have fun. Enjoy your life. Don't play games.

 

See him as much as you wish, there is no point in having a strategy when you both know the end time and result.

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It sounds like you're setting yourself up for a major disappointment. You're obviously looking for signs while assuring yourself that they have to mean something. As far as thinking he's just "scared" the simple truth is if he truly wanted to be with you, the word scared would never stand in the way.

 

It's a tough pillow to swallow, but if he wants to be with you he'll find the time, make the time, etc without hesitation. In short, maybe it's time to slow down and look at this in a different light.

 

Wishing you the best

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Military couples have to endure periods of separation all the time, as well as other couples who must travel for work. They handle it because they care enough to not let go, and don't want to be free to date others.

 

There has been hints to be exclusive but at the same time he has said he does not see it working out in the future as I must leave again for my final project in january for about 4 months.... He has abandonment issues which stem back to his father- and i think he is just afraid to be honest...

 

You are grasping for straws, trying to read more from his behavior which you think is overriding his words. When a person't words don't match their behavior, it's a huge red flag.

 

If a person has emotional baggage, he/she shouldn't be dating. If a person can't date at a normal pace, they shouldn't be dating. Because people who aren't fully emotionally available and possess barriers that make it hard for a companion to scale, are not good dating material.

 

I don't believe you can be in a FWB with him because you care too much. It's too painful for you to realize that he's just not that into you, and you prefer to try to sugarcoat his words by playing up his boyfriend-like behavior.

 

Acting like something is superficial nothingness. Like the song says, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." Which means that when you're not around, he will find someone else to playact "loving" with. (The word "Love" should really be "lust," though, in this situation.)

 

If it's a bf you want, look elsewhere. If he cared enough to want you all to himself, he would've asked for exclusivity. Your hoping he will come around to the way you feel is wasted time. Be emotionally free to seek out real romance with someone who is crazy about you.

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