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how do you deal with self righteous relatives -very argumentative


joe45
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How do you deal with extremely argumentative family relatives. im 40 btw

 

got a family member who spilling lecturing me on their so called motivational talk about to work harder, and go up in company and i should go make more money and more money. when i told her that it isnt always aboout working hard but knowing the right people, social intetelligence, charisma, mental power, having the drive and being on your grind helps a lot too . Its a combo of a lot of things.

 

She argues and thinks its all about working hard and thats it. MInd your she aint successful at all. Told her im listening social influencer on youtube who have social proof and recceipts to prove it. She argues that it wont work for you since everyone is different. blah blah

 

i then tell her story aboout micheal jordan bulls how he wouldnt be able to do it all along. he had a lot help

She then says i dont care about other people.

 

seems like she likes arguing and when she runs out of gas then says i dont care.

 

This is just an example but there are multiple cases and stories i can tell you. She just loves to argue and be self righteous attitude. When you give back you comments she shuts it down and says ok conversation is over. She a big instigator for arguments .

 

any suggesions? is this a form of gas lighting

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How do I deal with this.... Hmmm. I have a few strategies...

 

1. If I can avoid the person and conversation, I do.

 

2. If I can, I'll limit my involvement. Let them talk and not respond much or thank them for sharing and say I'll think about it. Change the subject, walk away.....

 

3. If this person is important to me and just getting away from them is not the answer, I'll explain that I don't want to argue about this. I'll maybe express how they are making me feel. How they're perspective maybe doesn't apply to my situation. And can't we just give it a rest.

 

It really comes down to who this person is to you. How important they are to you. Whether they have your best interest at heart. Do they have some say in how you act (like a boss or a guardian or contributor to your livelihood).

 

You can't control another person. Sometimes you just have to manage them and the situation. And if it's at that point, you have to consider what they bring to your life and what you actually owe them, in terms of the energy it takes to do that.

 

Are they worth it? Only you know.

 

But know it's your responsibility to set boundaries in your life. And to take the actions required to be completely independent. If it's your boss or your job, you may have to endure for awhile, but it's on you to find another job or boss.

 

Taking care of yourself, achieving your own goals, being consistent speaks for itself. You don't have to explain yourself, when you take care of yourself. Focus on getting there, if you are not there yet. And the chatter will fall away or you'll realize what talk is worth and act accordingly.

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Read your post back to yourself. You are doing an awful lot of the arguing and trying to prove your own point. Such a perfect illustration of it takes two to fight.

 

If you don't want to argue, then smile, nod at whatever she says and move on to a different topic. Learn how to disengage from conversations you don't want to have.

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Why do you have to be around her? You can say you don't want to talk about that subject, and veer the discussion in another direction. Hang up the phone. Leave. Go talk to someone else if it's a gathering. People need to learn they have to act a certain way to remain in your company. If you don't enjoy someone's company, teach them how you would like to engage with them, and if that doesn't work, remove yourself and don't engage.

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OP:

 

What does this mean?

 

"im listening social influencer on youtube who have social proof and recceipts to prove it"

 

Your family seem to be omnipresent in your life, even now you are 39.

 

Way back:

 

"why is my dad like this

met my dad today for lunch and he went on a rampage about how--society and government, canucks, canadian people and culture , my chinese canadized friend and how myself too are all corrupt.

how we just spend money like crazy and seeing how government wasting so much money and is now in debt , hst, gas going up and how corporate ppl are all lairs and how everyone in life is a lair and scam and jsut loookign for themselves"

 

You were not allowed by them to socialize before you were 25 years of age.

 

But now surely you can choose to simply ignore and refrain from listening at all to their harangues.

Edited by LaHermes
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You teach people how to treat you. You've shown her you will engage with her, argue with her, so of course she is going to rant at you. This is about boundaries. Don't fall into the argument trap with her, tell her you will not argue with her. Say goodbye, walk away, change the topic.

 

I have someone in my life who loves to argue and I let him rant for as long as I care to listen to him, then I tell him it's time to change the subject. That generally works.

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Are you sure you're not referring to my sister, her husband (my BIL - brother-in-law) and mother? They're experts at gaslighting! :upset:

 

I don't get involved with people who don't bring me joy nor treat me with respect and consideration. I avoid people who lack empathy. My typical conversations with family members are blunt, polite, brief and generic. We talk about the weather. You get my gist. Avoid controversial topics since you know these subjects will end up in heated arguments. Learn to discern. Discuss superficial topics, keep your interactions very brief, polite and then end it. Don't drag out conversations because eventually you'll get steered in the wrong direction straight into a fight. This is verbal or in electronic form.

 

Enforce healthy boundaries with people. Be in control. It took me years to figure this out. You can't change people. However, you are the one who has to navigate yourself wisely in order to survive interpersonal relationships. This is how you hone your interpersonal skills.

 

Don't engage in back 'n forth conversations. Learn to avoid and stay away from weird, abnormal people. I've since learned to avoid and stay away from certain family members and in-laws and I thank my lucky stars everyday. :D

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Read your post back to yourself. You are doing an awful lot of the arguing and trying to prove your own point. Such a perfect illustration of it takes two to fight.

 

If you don't want to argue, then smile, nod at whatever she says and move on to a different topic. Learn how to disengage from conversations you don't want to have.

oh trust me i shake and do the nod and i just agree. she like to bring it up during diferent periods of the day. trust its like she cant be quiet and always have to talk lol very annoying

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OP:

 

What does this mean?

 

"im listening social influencer on youtube who have social proof and recceipts to prove it"

 

Your family seem to be omnipresent in your life, even now you are 39.

 

Way back:

 

"why is my dad like this

met my dad today for lunch and he went on a rampage about how--society and government, canucks, canadian people and culture , my chinese canadized friend and how myself too are all corrupt.

how we just spend money like crazy and seeing how government wasting so much money and is now in debt , hst, gas going up and how corporate ppl are all lairs and how everyone in life is a lair and scam and jsut loookign for themselves"

 

You were not allowed by them to socialize before you were 25 years of age.

 

But now surely you can choose to simply ignore and refrain from listening at all to their harangues.

 

sure they have a lot good common sense stuff but a lot of what they say doesnt work. its like a one trick pony. all you got do is work hard. yes working hard works but its not just that but lot of fauets that come into equation( social intelligence, persuation skills, mental power, physical power, ...etc

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How do you deal with extremely argumentative family relatives.

 

I don't play. If someone brings up a topic that I don't want to discuss, I just say, "Thanks, I'll consider that..." and I promptly change the subject or offer to get them a drink or a plate of food.

 

All adult conversations being voluntary, I don't volunteer my opinions where I know they aren't welcome, and I don't indulge in argument with anyone who I disagree with.

 

It's not my job to change anyone else's closed mind. Recognizing this has brought me a lot of peace and harmony with family.

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I also said:

 

But now surely you can choose to simply ignore and refrain from listening at all to their harangues.

 

And :

 

What does this mean?

 

"im listening social influencer on youtube who have social proof and recceipts to prove it"

 

Your family seem to be omnipresent in your life, even now you are 39.

 

Are you still living with your family?

 

And what Cherlyn said:

 

"Enforce healthy boundaries with people. Be in control."

 

However, in reality it isn't even about the harangues and the arguments. If at 39 you are still living at home with your parents, then it is time to move out. I recall you often saying how you were shackled by them until age 25 and not allowed to do anything. I recall that six years ago you did not even have a car. (at age 33).

 

What exactly do you want to do, YOU.

Edited by LaHermes
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Do you live at home? Are you able to support yourself? Do they need you to support them?

 

My advice about them and the situation remains the same:https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=546697&p=6950394&viewfull=1#post6950394

How do you deal with extremely argumentative family relatives. im 40 btw

 

got a family member who spilling lecturing me on their so called motivational talk about to work harder, and go up in company and i should go make more money and more money.

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Okay, if one of my nieces or nephews sat like a bump on a log and told me i was wrong because its not about hard work, its who you know and thats why Michael Jordan was successful, or someone who had very extreme outlier talent that 99.999% of people do not have, it would not be about "a relative is argumentative" -its that they have no sense of reality. You cannot even support your own argument. Michael Jordan practiced, practiced, learned and worked very hard to be a great basketball player before he was ever discovered or had a chance to try out. Very few people get by on just their charm. A few do, but that's one in a billion.

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A very dysfunctional situation OP,no matter how one views it.

This was two years ago when I think you were trying to date a woman.

 

 

"They also don’t like girls who wear makeup , get

Nails done or any pretty stuff. They think it’s waste of money. they mainly looking for homely women who also makes the money and stays home and does household work

Someone who you marry can be of great added benefit and value to me and my parents in helping them be it doing the taxes, driving mom to grocery shopping, great financial management and can take care of family and other stuff .....etc"

 

And are these kind of dramatics still going on?

 

"parents are so traditional and consverative, i might end up being dragged and forced to china to find a bride. it ain;t my style as i was born and raised in vancouver"

 

Anyway, you asked for suggestions. Here you are.

 

Get yourself a vehicle, pack your stuff and drive across country to the other side and start having a life. (I realise that due to Covid you may not be able to take off this minute).

Edited by LaHermes
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Okay, if one of my nieces or nephews sat like a bump on a log and told me i was wrong because its not about hard work, its who you know and thats why Michael Jordan was successful, or someone who had very extreme outlier talent that 99.999% of people do not have, it would not be about "a relative is argumentative" -its that they have no sense of reality. You cannot even support your own argument. Michael Jordan practiced, practiced, learned and worked very hard to be a great basketball player before he was ever discovered or had a chance to try out. Very few people get by on just their charm. A few do, but that's one in a billion.

 

oh for sure hard work is big one for sure but its not the only faucet in your arsenal. you got have soical power , mental, physcial and spritual power. one cant be a one trick pony

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Once again, Joe, could I ask you for a minute to stop harping on about "hard work", and "social power " and all the rest. Please address what I am asking in my post. Basically, what are YOU going to do?

 

I repeat my post above.

 

"I also said:

 

But now surely you can choose to simply ignore and refrain from listening at all to their harangues.

 

And :

 

What does this mean?

 

"im listening social influencer on youtube who have social proof and recceipts to prove it"

 

Your family seem to be omnipresent in your life, even now you are 39.

 

Are you still living with your family?

 

And what Cherlyn said:

 

"Enforce healthy boundaries with people. Be in control."

 

 

However, in reality it isn't even about the harangues and the arguments. If at 39 you are still living at home with your parents, then it is time to move out. I recall you often saying how you were shackled by them until age 25 and not allowed to do anything. I recall that six years ago you did not even have a car. (at age 33).

 

What exactly do you want to do, YOU."

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oh for sure hard work is big one for sure but its not the only faucet in your arsenal. you got have soical power , mental, physcial and spritual power. one cant be a one trick pony

 

Well ...are YOU successful?

 

I would just say "yes, hard work is very important". Stop being argumentative with them. you agree with them, you just think there are more things that are important. And they could too. The reason they say hard work is important is because they really think you don't. They probably think you just fluff off on things. Have you thought of that?

 

Stop arguing.

 

If someone said to me "chocolate is so good." I would agree with them. I wouldn't say "but its not all about chocolate. Vanilla, raspberry, coconut and lime are also important and sometimes it depends on the situation. its not just about chocolate". Right??

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If your parents are from another more traditional culture and hoping you will make it in your new environment, well they have their values you have yours.

 

Do they come from a culture where the son/daughter take care of them and pushing that son/daughter to earn well for the traditional way of life is important?

 

Are they from poverty where it is important to send the living at home children and their spouses to work and to work around the home? Your argument is with them.

you got have soical power , mental, physcial and spritual power. one cant be a one trick pony
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  • 2 weeks later...
Well ...are YOU successful?

 

I would just say "yes, hard work is very important". Stop being argumentative with them. you agree with them, you just think there are more things that are important. And they could too. The reason they say hard work is important is because they really think you don't. They probably think you just fluff off on things. Have you thought of that?

 

Stop arguing.

 

If someone said to me "chocolate is so good." I would agree with them. I wouldn't say "but its not all about chocolate. Vanilla, raspberry, coconut and lime are also important and sometimes it depends on the situation. its not just about chocolate". Right??

 

yes i agree hard work is vital in all aspects of life. i do believe i do work hard.

the thing in life is you cant just out all blame on on part and label is as answer. that having a one track mind

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yes i agree hard work is vital in all aspects of life. i do believe i do work hard.

the thing in life is you cant just out all blame on on part and label is as answer. that having a one track mind

 

 

Well...what do you want? Whats more important - to stop the constant arguments? Or to try to change their mind. This is not a hill to die on. Just agree with them and move on to a different subject. You want good relations with your family members and its not a subject work straining that to win an argument over (although this is an opinion subject, so there is no real winner).

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