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Infertile men and quality of life - impossible unless beta male.


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Hi all,

 

Need some perspective, perhaps Im missing the point.

 

I keep reading that infertile men should simply accept and move on with life. How exactly do you accept that you are no competition to fertile males, you have no genetic, primal, evolutionary purpose to exist, you will die at average age 48.8 and be extinct (study on azoospermia). You will never have a genetic bond with a partner, no matter how hard you work, how much you try, how much you love her, - a random male simply swoops in and impregnate the person you love without any effort whatsoever - How does one simply accept this?

 

Background:

I have azoospermia from first test at age 18. Divorced first wife after 5 years for her to have a biological child which he did with a fertile man later. Divorced 2nd wife after 3 years, same. Divorced 3rd wife after 5 years, after she fell pregnant while cheating, with the local football coach, in my house, my bed. Note that all partners were well informed of my infertility before marriage, then changed their minds after years.

 

What if I refuse to be a subordinate male to fertile males - as this seems to be the sole reason for the existence of infertile men? (by being selected to raise their children for the greater good of society, and being told I am not as good the real father, no matter what I do, Im not genetically linked and not in the family circle as the family is not mine, 'just accept it').

 

I need to understand, what is the point of being a infertile man, and how does infertile men 'accept' this? I can not.

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Many infertile couples adopt.

 

What does the research you did say about infertile women?

 

It is a study on 50,000 men, so it didn't include women,

 

Adopt. Is good, but doesn't address my concern. I would simply be reminder that Im taking a natural opportunity away from the person I love.

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Do you have Klinefelter Syndrome, Silent47XXY ?

 

Most men inherit a single X chromosome from their mother, and a single Y chromosome from their father. Men with Klinefelter syndrome inherit an extra X chromosome from either father or mother; their karyotype is 47 XXY. Klinefelter is quite common, occuring in 1/500 to 1/1,000 male births."

 

There are support groups for people with chromosomal situations: https://isna.org/directory/11/

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Do you have Klinefelter Syndrome, Silent47XXY ?

 

Most men inherit a single X chromosome from their mother, and a single Y chromosome from their father. Men with Klinefelter syndrome inherit an extra X chromosome from either father or mother; their karyotype is 47 XXY. Klinefelter is quite common, occuring in 1/500 to 1/1,000 male births."

 

There are support groups for people with chromosomal situations:

 

Hi Wiseman2, yes that's correct. Only found out when reflecting on my failures to find the solution. Thank you for the link, I will have a look. Appreciated.

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It is a study on 50,000 men, so it didn't include women,

 

Adopt. Is good, but doesn't address my concern. I would simply be reminder that Im taking a natural opportunity away from the person I love.

 

Many women can't have children either. They and their spouses choose to adopt.

 

It's certainly something that should be discussed prior to marriage, although as you found that doesn't always work out either. But you wouldn't be "taking away" their opportunity to bear children if it was discussed ahead of time. I got the impression you didn't deceive these women but rather they made a choice and then changed their minds after they married you. Not cool.

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Do you have Klinefelter Syndrome, Silent47XXY ?

 

Most men inherit a single X chromosome from their mother, and a single Y chromosome from their father. Men with Klinefelter syndrome inherit an extra X chromosome from either father or mother; their karyotype is 47 XXY. Klinefelter is quite common, occuring in 1/500 to 1/1,000 male births."

 

There are support groups for people with chromosomal situations:

 

It basically says you have to accept it and move on. Its not like have not tried the 15 coping mechanisms over the last 30 years 3 failed marriages, same failure mode.

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Regular or specific therapy could help you with the general issues of divorce, infertility, etc. Perhaps a therapist trained in chromosomal conditions and the options and challenges it may pose. Did you have DNA testing or genetic counselling?

It basically says you have to accept it and move on. Its not like have not tried the 15 coping mechanisms over the last 30 years 3 failed marriages, same failure mode.

 

https://genetic.org/variations/about-47xxy/

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Many women can't have children either. They and their spouses choose to adopt.

 

It's certainly something that should be discussed prior to marriage, although as you found that doesn't always work out either. But you wouldn't be "taking away" their opportunity to bear children if it was discussed ahead of time. I got the impression you didn't deceive these women but rather they made a choice and then changed their minds after they married you. Not cool.

 

Thank you Boltnrun, thank you for your thoughts. I don't blame women for changing their minds. The fault is with me, secondly, it's their prerogative, as they have (if they do) the opportunity to fulfil their needs/roles as they wish. All 3 want me back, after having conceived. So I'm good enough as a life partner, but not to create a life, for that 3 million-millionth of a gram sperm, I have to submit to another male, and accept that I simply can not compete.

 

It appears the issue has never been addressed psychologically. Or am I simply insane/irrational in expecting the impossible: to be equal to fertile men in creation?

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Regular or specific therapy could help you with the general issues of divorce, infertility, etc. Perhaps a therapist trained in chromosomal conditions and the options and challenges it may pose. Did you have DNA testing or genetic counselling?

 

Genetic testing.

The therapist tries to tell me to accept it and move on. Easy to say with the picture of his family and kids on his table.

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Is it that you want to have biological children only? I can understand this I wanted my own biological children ( I have 1) but I was not adverse to adoption either.

 

Hi Seraphim, biological children and the capability. For me the natural conception concept forms an incredible bond. The kind of bond that an infertile man can never compete with (see the reverse psychology?). I would love to raise adopted children once I have my own child and fulfil my genetic masculine role. Currently, I feel completely emasculated with no mechanism to retrieve my self respect.

 

Wherever I search clinical psychology guideline journals on the topic, it all ends the same. Council the patient to accept a decent quality of life. For me, an emasculated life is pointless. When I would look into adopted children's eyes, I would think, why could he create life, what made him so good, what do I have to do.

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Im so sorry that must be frustrating to not be able to have a biological child but I doubt the readings saying you die younger then fertile men is true. I can’t have kids either so I got a hysterectomy for other reasons as well when I was 33. Though I never wanted children.

 

I find life and statistics very confusing and surprising as I go along.

 

I at the young age Female 37 non smoker, non drinker, no history of bladder or kidney cancer have a suspicious mass in my bladder. Which in itself is highly unusual! If I were to go by statistics a Male that’s in his 70s that was or is a smoker are the culprits for bladder cancer. So you see you can’t go by statistics.

 

My mom was a social worker for those with terminal cancer. Most of them were far from the statistics of their cancer!

 

The truth is you can’t say you don’t have a shot because the internet says so. There are plenty of woman not wanting children or don’t mind adopting or can’t have children. There are plenty more woman out there for you.

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Hi Seraphim, biological children and the capability. For me the natural conception concept forms an incredible bond. The kind of bond that an infertile man can never compete with (see the reverse psychology?). I would love to raise adopted children once I have my own child and fulfil my genetic masculine role. Currently, I feel completely emasculated with no mechanism to retrieve my self respect.

 

Wherever I search clinical psychology guideline journals on the topic, it all ends the same. Council the patient to accept a decent quality of life. For me, an emasculated life is pointless. When I would look into adopted children's eyes, I would think, why could he create life, what made him so good, what do I have to do.

I have adopted family members. They are very happy to be adopted.

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As for feeling emasculated because you can’t produce a biological child is something I can’t tell you specifically how to feel about. All I can encourage is that you find someone who doesn’t want children or can’t have children or wants to adopt. With adoption you are very much a father and even more so then the sperm producing male that put that child up for adoption.

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Absolutely, you are equal. Why not?

 

interesting thought

 

I can not offer any Women any genetic future which 99% of men can without even thinking twice. Maybe Women perceive life differently? What is most important to women in a man, if its not being a man.

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How did you cope? What was the key if you don't mind me asking.

 

It took many decades to accept and losing 4 pregnancies. But it was easier to accept after menopause. Plus my living child is an adult now and I didn’t really want to start over. Now I own my own daycare and look after other people’s children. I can give them love and affection and hand them back to their parents kind of like a grandparent. 😀

 

My living child is Autistic and one day wants to adopt children rather than having biological kids.

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Im so sorry that must be frustrating to not be able to have a biological child but I doubt the readings saying you die younger then fertile men is true. I can’t have kids either so I got a hysterectomy for other reasons as well when I was 33. Though I never wanted children.

 

I find life and statistics very confusing and surprising as I go along.

 

I at the young age Female 37 non smoker, non drinker, no history of bladder or kidney cancer have a suspicious mass in my bladder. Which in itself is highly unusual! If I were to go by statistics a Male that’s in his 70s that was or is a smoker are the culprits for bladder cancer. So you see you can’t go by statistics.

 

My mom was a social worker for those with terminal cancer. Most of them were far from the statistics of their cancer!

 

The truth is you can’t say you don’t have a shot because the internet says so. There are plenty of woman not wanting children or don’t mind adopting or can’t have children. There are plenty more woman out there for you.

 

 

 

Thanks limichelle, You right, I am determined to find ways around the statistics. but no point if emasculated. I can not find the piece that can repair that without doing what basic man can.

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