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I’ve been with my boyfriend about 9 months now. I’m 23 & he is 25. From the start it wasn’t easy. At first I didn’t want to be in a relationship w/ him because even in our talking phase we would argue & I would tell him that I didn’t wanna be in one w/ him if it was gonna be like that. It’s my first official relationship & it’s not what I thought. I feel we are really toxic. We fight all the time still & sometimes days in a row it’s really exhausting. However I still do really care for him & like him. He on the other hand I feel like has a very strong love for me that I feel like can be too much. He’s really great & nice but I feel like he can be really possessive over me. He’s always getting mad at me at how I don’t communicate w/ him, how I don’t show much emotion it’s always something. I personally feel like I’ve grown & changed a lot too ever since I’ve been with him, but he says that I don’t try as much or show it & it blows my mind because I feel like I do. We never can same to agree on anything, there’s times that we do & we’ll be fine but then there’s times where I feel like it just goes down hill. I honestly don’t feel like I’m a bad person but somehow w/ him I do. Another thing that really gets him irritated is when he doesn’t get to see me. I see him a lot of times a week & i have mentioned before that I like to have my space. At times when I wanna hang out w/ my friend or I do, he seems to get jealous. It’s like he always wants me undivided attention. He said we should atleast see each other everyday & I don’t agree. I feel like it’s clingy & as if we were married. I feel like I’ve come to the point where I realize I have my problems & so does he but no matter how much we try working on them together it’s not working. And I think it’s time for me to get my space but I also don’t want to make a mistake it’s just that this is all too much for me now. Too much arguing & to top it off over the dumbest stuff. There’s times where one can’t help but try & stand up for what think is right, & I know personally that’s where I have a bit of a flaw or so because well it’s not that I like to always be right but I just like to be heard but when I say something he says I don’t make sense, I’m contradicting myself, or I’m just being selfish. We don’t live together by the way. I don’t think that would be a good idea, considering everything. Though he had mentioned it. He always tells me too that he always feels like I’m the one & to be quiet honest I don’t really know how to feel about that because I don’t feel that yet.

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From the start it wasn’t easy.

 

This was the moment, from the sounds of it, when you should have called in quits. Romance and relationships invariably go through some trying times, but the beginning? Like the first few years? It should be pretty easy, since at the end of the day relationships are an optional activity, something we seek for pleasure, not pain.

 

This being your first official relationship, perhaps it's taken you these months to learn this? They don't all work out, and that's okay. Sounds like you've learned a lot from this in terms of what you need for a relationship to work, which is wonderful, while also learning that he's not a great partner for that project, which is sad. Hard to accept, I know, but given what you've written it sounds like your life is pretty hard as is.

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Sorry to hear this. The good news he exhibited these flags for emotional abuse early on. Trust your instincts...it is toxic. 9 mos is a short time to endure all this drama and criticism. This is not what good relationships look like. So many red flags here that you listed. And this is the 'honeymoon period'. Imagine how much worse it will get.

 

Read up on the topic and extricate yourself from this misery-inducing jerk asap. Tell All your trusted friends and family what is going on in addition to your research on warning signs of controlling/abusive relationships. This is not love, including wanting quick involvement.

-From the start it wasn’t easy.

-It’s my first official relationship & it’s not what I thought.

-I feel we are really toxic.

-We fight all the time still

-he can be really possessive over me.

-He’s always getting mad at me

-gets him irritated is when he doesn’t get to see me.

-he seems to get jealous.

-We don’t live together by the way.Though he had mentioned it.

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The reason I’ve let things go this far is because I’ve hoped for things to change, and also because I care. But I also say that I don’t really need this I don’t need to be feeling angry all the time, though he does make me happy at times also. But I think about myself in the future & think do I really want to be dealing with this all the time as I reflect on how much time it’s been already?.. Thank you hearing me out & for your opinion.

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You remark Mariela:

 

"I think it’s time for me to get my space but I also don’t want to make a mistake it’s just that this is all too much for me now. "

 

Why waste any more time, Mariela? The only mistake here is a nine-month long mistake, and utter waste of time. Someone who won't even allow you to speak for yourself!

 

Yes, most definitely finish with this and get your own space.

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The reason I’ve let things go this far is because I’ve hoped for things to change, and also because I care.

 

Another great lesson, if a tough one to digest.

 

Basing the foundation of a relationship on the idea that someone might change? Well, think about that logically for a moment. If someone came to you with brown hair would you give it the ol' college try in hopes their hair turns blonde?

 

It would be one thing if things were amazing for a few years, then got all sorts of weird, and you hung around hoping that, together, you two could back into some version of the earlier form. That hope would be based in reality, and experience, not just your own imagination and projections.

 

You sound like you've got a great head on your shoulders, and a great heart a foot or so south. If this isn't nourishing those things as you'd like, don't let them adjust to the bruising. Care is great, as is attraction, as is the sense that another person is all sorts of smitten with us. But if none of that feels right? Just my take on things, but I think the latter negates the former, always.

 

The present is the best indicator, always, of the future, since the future is just the present happening and happening and happening. You've invested a good chunk of time with this guy, which should give you a really good idea of how things will look and feel in the future.

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Most people do have some good traits, but when the bad outweighs the good, that should be your signal to head to the nearest exit.

 

I dated a guy when I was a teen who also had some great traits. He was a great nurturer when I didn't feel good. If I had a headache, he would massage my temples until I fell asleep. Unfortunately, I started seeing his controlling, possessive side. I remember he got upset when I was having a girls sleepover, and I couldn't imagine why that would make him angry.

 

Just as you, it took me a while to get to the point of breaking up, and I'm glad I did. Often, guys like this, who like to isolate you and get you to distance yourself from friends, end up physically abusing a woman. Even if they don't, the emotional abuse is bad enough.

 

Take this as life experience which will hopefully prepare you for vetting future love interests a little better.

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I feel we are really toxic. We fight all the time still & sometimes days in a row it’s really exhausting..

This is more than enough reason to call it quits for good. You KNOW what to do. The big question is: Will you?? Ball is in your court. YOU have the power in your own hands to leave. If you stay, that's on you.

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It sounds exhausting... I'm sorry to hear this. I don't think it's working either.

 

I'm worried that he'll become more possessive or volatile and vindictive if you break up with him. Do you feel your safety might be at risk? Please take care of yourself and tell your parents, loved ones, friends if you need help.

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If a relationship can't begin easily with great simpatico, then it's not for me. I don't consider people to be projects that I must manipulate into becoming a good match for me.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's just natural odds. So taking up with a bad match, IMO, is doomed from the gate and a waste of time.

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