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Truth about No Contact - success stories?


LordofCircle
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I take offense that you suggest that your ex and women in general are so weak minded that the only reason for the breakup is because she's being lured away from you by her single friends, and relationships are viewed as "oppressive". It's not relationships that are oppressive, it's the jealous/clingy BF that is oppressive. She is an adult, and made the adult decision that this relationship has failed so many times, it's unhealthy/toxic that it was time to call it quits for good. I doubt you have taken any real accountability in any of this.

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You two were not that deeply connected if you had broken up several times, OP. That is toxic and a clear indication that you two do not work as a couple.

 

The way you talk about her is quite dismissive. You say you thought she was throwing a tantrum, that you were giving her time to cool off. That very much sounds like you don’t take her unhappiness that seriously and are having trouble wrapping you mind around the fact that she might genuinely have lost interest in you and the relationship you once had.

 

She sounds very done and possibly has someone else on her radar now, and doesn’t want you popping up. She doesn’t wish to hear from you, whatever the case may be, so take it as the sign that this is finally over. It sounds like it was already slowly unravelling before you actually broke up, with her largely checked out.

 

Time to really close this door behind you.

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Thank you for this generous response Rose.

 

My ex is most certainly surrounded by negative and toxic support networks. All her friends are single, enjoying the "dating apps" lifestyle, and having regular wine parties and taking drugs. They are committed to single life and have enticed her to "join the party". This is common and forgivable. Some modern women are influenced into viewing commitment and relationships as oppressive, and that freedom and singledom are the pinnacle of being a strong and independent woman. I don't mean this in a negative way, and I support women who choose this course of life. Everyone is entitled to make their own choices. If this is what my ex truly wants for herself then I respect that choice.

 

My ex has also been highly influenced by her mother, who herself was a victim of a messy divorce and takes an extreme anti-attachment, anti-love stance. The mother has been imploring my ex to end the relationship from day 1 because the mother mistakenly believes that "love = pain" based on her own life experiences.

 

I take your point about giving my ex all the power. If my ex was to return, I would take it very slowly. I would not immediately invite her back into my life. I would take it very slowly and reconnect over a period of time.

 

Thankfully, I've now reached a point in the breakup where I feel strong enough to let her go, while maintaining a seed of love for her should she ever return. I understand that there are many forces working against me now, but am willing to hold out a glimmer of hope that love may triumph in the end. Let's see.

 

That's all you can do, really. I hear you.

 

Take care of yourself and keep moving forwards. There's a fine line in remembering the past and continuing to carry a torch for someone and then inhibiting your own growth forwards and finding more fulfilling ways to live. What kind of version of yourself do you want to be?

 

Forgiveness helps too in the process. It's all very awkward and uncomfortable - part of growing outside of the confines of an old shape and stretching out. Dare to grow uncomfortably. I think it's worth it.

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OP.. The reason when and why she blocked you does not matter. You are currently blocked. And I still stand by my initial statement that I think you are being selfish. Time and time again you are insisting she needs you in her life. But you have yet to think of what she wants. She has made it clear that she does not want to hear from you. That doesn't mean forever but it means she doesn't want to hear from you right now.

Yet you repeat that you want to have some type of relationship with her and be friends. Why is this so important to you when it does not matter to her? Can you not see any type of friendship or relationship on any level requires two people. Your desire cant be enough for the two of you. Accept that she does not want you in her life.

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OP.. The reason when and why she blocked you does not matter. You are currently blocked. And I still stand by my initial statement that I think you are being selfish. Time and time again you are insisting she needs you in her life. But you have yet to think of what she wants. She has made it clear that she does not want to hear from you. That doesn't mean forever but it means she doesn't want to hear from you right now.

Yet you repeat that you want to have some type of relationship with her and be friends. Why is this so important to you when it does not matter to her? Can you not see any type of friendship or relationship on any level requires two people. Your desire cant be enough for the two of you. Accept that she does not want you in her life.

 

Yourself and several other repliers here are painting me as some kind of serial harrasser of my ex. I'll repeat it again - I'm in indefinite No Contact now. I accept that I'm blocked and I accept the relationship is over. I've repeated that multiple times here.

 

The purpose of my post is to see if No Contact ever results in the Dumper reaching out to the Dumpee at some point in the future. It has nothing to do with harassing the dumper/not letting go of the relationship/not accepting that the relationship is over etc etc. All of that stuff is obvious to me and just seems like weird projection because I have not done any of those things.

 

I actually initiated the break-up and she blocked me while I was taking space. I chased for a few weeks (which is normal), but I never begged or pleaded. I simply tried to re-establish contact with her because I had no idea if she was ok. I mentioned earlier that she threatened suicide in one of our final communications. When I finally re-established contact with her 2 weeks later she mentioned that she was seeing a psychologist and didn't want to continue the relationship. I respectfully accepted her decision and then went into 2 months of complete No Contact. I then reached out to her very casually via a channel that I wasn't blocked on and was blocked again. This is the last time I tried to contact her.

 

I don't mean to be rude, but there is a lot of toxic and bitter energy seething from many of the replies in this thread (most of which I won't even bother acknowledging). I think it's a bit sad that, barring a few generous responders here, most people seem to be projecting some kind of false and negative image onto me as a person who can't let go and keeps harassing my ex. Since I have not done any of this, I wonder where these projections are coming from. Is it the responders who are actually harassing their ex's and then projecting onto me what they hate in themselves? Could be...

Edited by LordofCircle
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I don't mean to be rude, but there is a lot of toxic and bitter energy seething from many of the replies in this thread

 

Sorry you feel that way. At the same time, at the risk of making this hall of mirrors of projections, it might be worth asking if whether what you're finding so upsetting is hitting a raw nerve of your own, rather than simply a peacocking of raw nerves by some pixilated straw people listening to you.

 

Per the big picture? I don't get the impression that you're harassing anyone here, and haven't really gotten the impression that others think so from various posts. But I do get the sense that what you're very focused on right now is, well, you, and seeing if your current path with her can get you what you want, regardless of her own choices.

 

If the history of humanity and heartbreak is distilled to "tactics" that worked in "resulting" in someone reaching out, I'm pretty sure that you'd find that just about everything under the sun as "worked," ranging from lots of contact to no contact, saying kind things to saying horrible things, sending someone flowers to keying their car, giving someone lots of "space" to suffocating them. Total coin toss, in short.

 

That said, energy spent in wondering if action x will get result y, at least when it comes to other people, is inherently energy being spent to negate the agency and free will of an individual. And people, generally speaking, do not respond well to having their agency seen as something another can have power and sway over. The context in which you're taking about "No Contact" is not dissimilar to, say, someone in a relationship cleaning the kitchen in order to get laid.

 

It's one way, perhaps, but it has its limitations: not everyone will be down for that sort of thing, for starters, and even those who are? The desired "results" tend to leave a weird aftertaste, since as much as humans don't like to feel manipulated they don't much like feeling manipulative either.

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Right.

 

"The purpose of my post is to see if No Contact ever results in the Dumper reaching out to the Dumpee at some point in the future."

 

There is a certain type of dumper who does try to contact the dumpee again (I believe it is called "breadcrumbing"). For some dumpers apparently it is an enjoyable form of torturing the dumpee. Sadly.

Some dumpers will try to re-contact the dumpee in between times, to fill in, temporarily, when they don't have anyone else to hand.

 

These individuals have no respect for "no contact", nor for the dumpee, and ultimately no respect for themselves.

 

That's the best I can do as an answer.

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Trying to prevent you from making the mistakes we made. We as a collective might see things you don't see. You are too close to the problem while others see things from a distance and can see the whole picture.

 

Its not toxic or bitter at all. It might be things you are failing to see. The girl blocked you. That is what you said, you are trying to get in contact with her. This is also what you said. Now why on Earth would you want to be in someones life that doesn't want you in it? What reason can you come up with? You say that you want to make sure she is okay. Lets say she is or isn't. Doesn't that mean its up to her to tell you if she wants to?

 

What Im saying is that I cant imagine why you would feel she needs you in her life when she has blocked you? The point is that she is an X. She is going to remain an X, she will forever be an X, so why don't you just let her go? Why do you have to come up with things to justify wanting to contact her? I have asked you if you have put yourself in her shoes. Maybe hearing from you scares her, maybe she checks her phone 10 times a day fearing you found a way to contact her, maybe she is afraid that you will come to her house because you are out there still trying to find ways to contact her. Im not saying you are doing that, but have you thought about her feelings? If she wants to have any contact with you, it would be up to her, not you to build that bridge

 

Just let her go.

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Just curious. If the relationship was so passionate, deep, intense why did you cheat on her? Had that motivation and urge to be with other women disappeared later in your relationship?

 

What were your previous breakups about? And what kind of progression were you hoping for before you finally broke up?

 

You said that "she took the opportunity to break up" but then later claimed that you initiated the breakup yourself? Not that it really matters that much though. A lot of the language you use, "beg," "plead," "chase," etc. sounds very black and white. You might have not been "begging" in your eyes but she knew what you were up to. Your very non-needy text of "how are you?" could sound to her just the same as "I still love you. Please talk to me."

 

No one can predict what your ex will do, even her best friend. My guess based on the very limited info that you gave here is that she never really forgave you or got over the betrayal of your cheating and didn't see a future with you, hence the lack of progression in your relationship. And you probably haven't really changed in her eyes either.

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had some toxic elements to it from both sides.

 

The connection you feel is a level of anxiety and adrenaline in your system. That's not compatibility and bringing out of the best you in. Sometimes you just have to take one at a time and learn to love yourself again, and figure out your needs and wants, and your boundaries. It a relationship is toxic in any way, it's like regularly swallowing poison. I good, healthy relationship isn't toxic, ever.

 

Whatever you do, go learn something new, get back to the gym if you can, make plans with friends, take a trip - anything to retrain your brain from the loss of your ex. Make new memories and connections in your brain. Just like cigarettes - some exes can just be really bad for you even if it's just one cig.

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