Truth about No Contact - success stories?

[LordofCircle 1]

Hello,

 

I'm curious about the efficacy of No Contact.

 

I've been broken up with my ex for nearly 4 months. It was a 2.5 year relationship, very deep emotional connection, but had some toxic elements to it from both sides. It was a passionate relationship, and I made some mistake early on by cheating on her (I make no excuses). However we reconciled and there was a 12 month period of redemption on my part. The break-up happened over the course of a couple of weeks where I made it clear that I wasn't happy with the lack of progression in our relationship. She took the opportunity to break-up, but it was ambiguous because she then chased me for a few days, but I let her know I needed space to clear my head. After taking a 4 day break, I reached out to discover that I had been blocked on the phone.

 

First 3 weeks of the break-up I chased from time-to- time and tried to get some positive communication going. I was basically in denial about the break-up and thought she was just having a tantrum. This denial was reinforced by the fact that we had had several break-ups in the past and had reconciled. However, this time I couldn't reach her and I was blocked everywhere (my ex was heavily influenced by friends and psychologist who recommended completely cutting off contact as an effective way for her to move on - I discovered this through our final conversation before the final blanket-block).

 

I then went into No Contact for 2 months to let her cool off. After 2 months, I reached out via the one channel I wasn't blocked on with a very non-needy "how are you?" type reach-out and used it to demonstrate a few positive changes I'd made in my life (quit smoking weed, moved into a new place, seeing a therapist and building stronger connections with family and friends). I didn't mention getting back together, or "missing her" or anything like that. The message remained unread for a week. It was then read, a few days later at 11:30pm on a Saturday night, I was blocked again.

 

It's now been nearly a month since I last reached out and the plan now is indefinite No Contact from me and I plan to make no further attempts.

 

I'm realistic about my chances and I know they are not good.

 

Does anyone here have any insights into the psychology of my ex and the likelihood of ever hearing from her again?

 

Things I've read on websites that your ex is most likely to reach out in the first 6 months post-break, and then the odds steadily decline after that.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Rose Mosse 484]

Is there a reason why you want to reconnect with her? Without stating the obvious. I know you miss her and are in withdrawals. This is natural in any break up. Stop and take a look at the continuous on again/off again cycles that you've both been through.

 

Why limit yourself to this person who hasn't made you happy - you've mentioned it has toxic elements.

 

She doesn't want to have anything to do with you either and it's disrespectful to keep bombarding her with your presence or invading her privacy or life. It's also manipulative to look for ways to make her want you when what she's telling and showing you is that she doesn't want you around.

 

It takes a lot of courage to write and share your story. It also takes courage to refuse any knee-jerk reactions and release someone. She deserves to be happy and so do you. Just not together.

[PH88 9]

No contact has a purpose and that is to protect yourself. It is not a ploy or game to get an upper hand, it is merely an act of self respect and allowing yourself to heal.

 

She blocked you, should be enough of a sign to leave her alone. Several breakups perhaps she wishes to leave the count alone. It sounds like you are working on yourself, making those positive changes. Keep at it and you will find in time that this " psychology" to persuade another mind is not life's natural course. Don't worry man, you'll come out of this just fine.

[LordofCircle 1]

Thanks guys. This is not so much about manipulating her to be with me again, but more about understanding the course that these things take and whether I'm likely to ever hear from her again.

 

I understand that reconciliation is unlikely. However, it seems that most people at least hear from their ex after a period of No Contact (but this doesn't mean reconciliation will happen - I'm talking more about breadcrumbs and curiosity). I'm more interested in this phenomena and appreciate that resurrecting the corpse of this failed relationship is likely in neither of our interests at the moment.

 

From my end, I've made a lot of positive changes and I'm in a strong position to make it work with either her, or someone new in the near future. However, I had a 2.5 year intense, passionate and deeply connected relationship with this woman and I'm wondering how these things usually play out when there's an "unresolved" aspect to the relationship and an abrupt severance of communication.

[PH88 9]

"Breadcrumbs" are just that, crumbs. Nothing substantial. Unless you hear the words " Lets discuss getting back together" verbatim or something similar you should ignore it.

[boltnrun 1,195]

"Magnet of Success"? Is that one of those dating gurus?

 

Those guys are full of beans. And I don't care how many "testimonials" they allegedly have from women or from men who use their "technique" and succeeded. Those testimonials are phony. Believe me, women can see right through any PUA or "techniques".

 

However...I would take her actions as real. She blocked you, which means she doesn't want to communicate. If she changes her mind I'm sure she'll let you know. I do recommend you do not try to use any other means to contact her.

 

You're doing well with your life now. There will be a woman who appreciates who you are. Instead of looking in the rear view mirror trying to revive the past, how about looking forward?

[LordofCircle 1]

I appreciate all the "move on, don't look back" advice. That's the typical advice when it comes to breakups.

 

However, I think people commonly neglect to realise that "moving on" from a deep investment of 1+ years etc. is not as simple as just "moving on." Anyone who has truly been in love knows that it takes at least a year before you're genuinely not thinking about them regularly. If you're moving on within days or weeks then it wasn't really love. This is a fact of brain chemistry and the way the brain changes when you're in love, and the slow process it takes for the brain to re-wire itself after losing someone whom you care about.

[boltnrun 1,195]

I didn't see where anyone said it was "simple". Anything worth doing usually requires effort.

 

Have you ever trained for a sport? Gone for a promotion at work? Completed college? All of those things are difficult and are far from "simple". But the end result is worth it.

 

You don't have to think you should be "over it" immediately. It takes time. But sliding backward results in just that, going backward. You can't finish a marathon if you keep turning around and going back to the starter stand. Or looking at it over your shoulder.

[PH88 9]

IAnyone who has truly been in love knows that it takes at least a year before you're genuinely not thinking about them regularly. If you're moving on within days or weeks then it wasn't really love.

 

Quite an encompassing statement for the general population. You're throwing a lot of numbers around i.e. days, weeks, years, etc. Truth is there is no magic number when it comes to these things. It would behoove you to take people's advice on this site objectively, and understand that everyone's situation is different, and all of our experiences vary. So what are you actually asking? Will she contact you at some point? Possible. Will she potentially want to reconcile? Who knows. Point is it is out of your control. We can only advise what is in your control to help you as best we can.

[LordofCircle 1]

Grief isn't a linear marathon. It's a far more complicated process in the brain that follows no clearly defined path. It's like a 2 steps forward, 3 steps back process. Then suddenly you leap 4 steps forward, and then 3 steps back. Then you might go all the way back to the beginning of the process. Some people never get over it. This is just a scary fact of the Game of Love. No one can accurately predict the journey of an individual on the path of healing/not-healing.

 

I don't think marathons or physical activities are helpful metaphors for grief and healing from emotional loss. Grief is highly complex and marathons are simply just a physical exertion "one-foot in front of the other" where the finish line is clearly defined ahead.

 

The reality is that most people actually can't handle loss and it destroys them. They turn to medication and life is never the same.

 

There are many snake oil salesman who box "breakups" and "grief" into neat little systems of "how to get over your ex in 30 days". As humans we want to simplify complexity. This is why the enigma of Grief and Loss is such a lucrative market. Everyone experiences these emotions differently, and is on their own unique path and timeline.

[LordofCircle 1]

Quite an encompassing statement for the general population. You're throwing a lot of numbers around i.e. days, weeks, years, etc. Truth is there is no magic number when it comes to these things. It would behoove you to take people's advice on this site objectively, and understand that everyone's situation is different, and all of our experiences vary. So what are you actually asking? Will she contact you at some point? Possible. Will she potentially want to reconcile? Who knows. Point is it is out of your control. We can only advise what is in your control to help you as best we can.

 

 

Agreed. You posted this just before I posted my above reply. You're touching on what I wrote in that there is no accurate predictor of a person's unique pathway through the grief process. Anything is possible - Whether that be reconciliation or "never hearing from your ex again".

 

You mentioned "blanket statements". There is no blanket statement, which is why I find advice like "she's gone", "get over it and move on" etc to be rather lazy, un-nuanced advice.

 

The reality is that nobody knows what the future holds.

 

There is an idea of "toxic hope" tho, and it is potentially a wise decision to severe hope at some point, which holds back full recovery. But then, how does one fully severe "hope" with the knowledge that anything is possible? Answer: You can't severe all Hope while maintaining complete honesty with oneself.

[Capricorn3 852]

OP you seem to have all the answers.

 

As to will you ever hear from your Ex again, it's impossible to tell. No-one here knows her. No-one knows how she feels, how hurt she is, how angry she is etc etc. All you can do is respect her wishes and learn from mistakes.

[bluecastle 977]

I think what's tough about these moments is that, complex as they feel, they're really pretty simple. No one can tell you what she's thinking, what will happen, if you'll talk again or not. Maybe you will, maybe not: it really comes down to that.

 

That said, I do think this is a great time to take some more steps forward, to challenge yourself to grow a few millimeters emotionally. Quitting smoking, going to therapy, reconnecting with friends—so, that's great. Bravo, for real. But the greatness is limited if it's all about—or mostly about—getting someone's attention. You're a few key degrees removed from living authentically, and the more time you spend in that space—well, it adds up, becomes you.

 

Whatever she is thinking or feeling, she has made it crystal clear that she has no interest in communicating with you. Which, yeah, hurts. But the strength that comes from rejecting that truth is a pale alternative to the strength that comes from accepting it, and respecting it.

[LordofCircle 1]

I think what's tough about these moments is that, complex as they feel, they're really pretty simple. No one can tell you what she's thinking, what will happen, if you'll talk again or not. Maybe you will, maybe not: it really comes down to that.

 

That said, I do think this is a great time to take some more steps forward, to challenge yourself to grow a few millimeters emotionally. Quitting smoking, going to therapy, reconnecting with friends—so, that's great. Bravo, for real. But the greatness is limited if it's all about—or mostly about—getting someone's attention. You're a few key degrees removed from living authentically, and the more time you spend in that space—well, it adds up, becomes you.

 

Whatever she is thinking or feeling, she has made it crystal clear that she has no interest in communicating with you. Which, yeah, hurts. But the strength that comes from rejecting that truth is a pale alternative to the strength that comes from accepting it, and respecting it.

 

"Acceptance" is a key Buddhist philosophy that I agree with. All life is impermanent. This holds true for emotions too, which are transient. A person who once loved another, who loses that love, can rediscover it again. Things like "faded effect bias", "peak end theory" and "grass is greener syndrome" are all real phenomena. So is Nostalgia.

 

"Acceptance" after a break-up is not about acknowledging reality, because we know that feelings can and do change. The acceptance is more a measure to stop the pain and uncertainty of limbo - because there's no clear timeline on when things like nostalgia will come into play for your ex (or if they ever will).

 

The reality is that many broken relationships are re-visited out of nostalgia and curiosity. Where most fail is an inability to create a new image and a new relationship. Most people cling to the "I've moved on" , "an ex is an ex for a reason" and other such maxims that serves the hidden purpose of providing easy mantras to mask the hurt of a lost love.

 

Clinging to hope in reconciliation is not a weakness. Rather, it's being able to manage the hope in such a way that life is still possible with or without the person you loved and lost.

[Rose Mosse 484]

Maybe slow down a little. I don't know much about her psychology but from your thoughts you seem quite forceful and there's a strong need to control situations. I think that puts people off in a romantic sense. There's the planner and then there's... the controller. Slow down.

 

In the grand scheme of things the length of your relationship wasn't very long. It takes a good 3-5 years at the very least to get a good idea of someone, all their quirks, flaws and have enough time to bare a lot of vulnerabilities and see whether you both mesh in mind and spirit. Sometimes it takes longer. I think you both barely scraped the surface of the iceberg but she discovered that this isn't for her.

 

My only other advice would be to let go of the ship's wheel for awhile and practice having to be less in control. Some women may be intimidated and a lot of women will be put off. You don't have to have the answers to no contact - sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. I don't think it's a lazy approach. It does lend autonomy to others and also speaks of respect. That unknown and acknowledging the unknown response means that you're respecting the autonomy and decisions of another person.

 

Reconciliation takes more than just the one and it's also respecting the autonomy of someone else. Clinging, to me, is just a calculated risk. If you prefer spending your time doing this, no one can fault you. It is your life, after all. But is it worth it clinging to anything when you could be firmly rooted in other things or engaged with other people who bring more fulfillment? You get to choose.

[boltnrun 1,195]

Outstanding, Rose Mosse. Thank you.

[No1 192]

How to I start this without being too harsh? You are being selfish. Before you get all mad there some things you have realized and pushed aside or just don't care because you come first. 1. Have you put yourself in her shoes? I mean my god this person has blocked you, probably is dreading every text she gets because she fears its you and yet the one little ave she leaves open, you take it and you didn't even think that maybe, just maybe every text or every single time you reach out to her, you cause her blood pressure to go up. You are only worried about you..leads me to

 

#2. You have not accepted its over and trying to find excuses to keep the lines of communication open. You can lie to me and say it has nothing to do with getting back together and Ill ask "then why do you want to talk to her?" then you would make up any excuse to justify why you must talk to your X or why you insist in being in her life. Mind you she has blocked you and you still believe she needs you in her life.

 

#3 you are tremendously afraid and you need her way more than she needs you. She is out there trying to forge a path without you and yet you are the one reaching out. Are you spending this much time focused in on her to avoid seeing a future without her? And you must be given props for doing what you need to do to better yourself like going to see a counselor and smoking and bettering yourself. You deserve props for that. But it leads me to wonder if you are trying to stay in her life so she sees the changes in you? Kind of like.. Look what I have done since the break up. You can not correct a mistake from the past, you can only learn from it and not make it again.

 

I don't think you realized that it is over. You can say here that you know its over but you are so used to her being there after a break up that this time you might be more of a challenge. But you have to accept that you will not be in her life, she doesn't want you in her life, she doesn't want to hold you, kiss you, hug you, talk to you, have drinks with you and you have to accept that. Toss out all promises that were made, all talks about the future because it no longer matters.

 

I know its hard. No one said break ups were easy. If they were, sites like these would not exist. But they suck, they are hard, they hurt, but step one is to accept that it is over. And you might be thinking that these "steps" to healing is 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, but it doesn't work that way. Think of a pendulum that swings from emotion to emotion. They could be pain, sadness, depression, confusion, denial, bargaining, anger, but there is one that is called "acceptance" and every so often you will hit that point. As time goes by the pendulum will swing there more often and stay there longer until it eventually stays there.

 

You will find someone else and she will find someone else. Instead of wasting your energy in her, focus your energy on you. She is going to be just fine without you, she will find someone else who will make her happy. So why not do what you have to do to make you happy and someone will come by in your life.

[LordofCircle 1]

Maybe slow down a little. I don't know much about her psychology but from your thoughts you seem quite forceful and there's a strong need to control situations. I think that puts people off in a romantic sense. There's the planner and then there's... the controller. Slow down.

 

In the grand scheme of things the length of your relationship wasn't very long. It takes a good 3-5 years at the very least to get a good idea of someone, all their quirks, flaws and have enough time to bare a lot of vulnerabilities and see whether you both mesh in mind and spirit. Sometimes it takes longer. I think you both barely scraped the surface of the iceberg but she discovered that this isn't for her.

 

My only other advice would be to let go of the ship's wheel for awhile and practice having to be less in control. Some women may be intimidated and a lot of women will be put off. You don't have to have the answers to no contact - sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. I don't think it's a lazy approach. It does lend autonomy to others and also speaks of respect. That unknown and acknowledging the unknown response means that you're respecting the autonomy and decisions of another person.

 

Reconciliation takes more than just the one and it's also respecting the autonomy of someone else. Clinging, to me, is just a calculated risk. If you prefer spending your time doing this, no one can fault you. It is your life, after all. But is it worth it clinging to anything when you could be firmly rooted in other things or engaged with other people who bring more fulfillment? You get to choose.

 

Thanks for your response and I respect your perspective. To be fair, I literally have "let go of the wheel" because I've gone into Indefinite No Contact with no plan to ever reach out to her again. If the relationship is to be reconciled, then it would have to start with her reaching out. That is respecting her autonomy. Are you projecting something?

 

I was not seeking any advice, or expressing any desire to re-assert any control over the situation. I am seeking further understanding, with the knowledge that life can take unexpected courses and directions. Nobody knows what the outcome of No Contact will be with certainty. I was hoping that somebody might share a perspective of a similar situation they may have experienced.

 

I think my breakup is pretty typical. I spent a while chasing after the breakup (which is typical) and then I went No Contact. I extended an olive branch after 2 months (which is strongly advised in the case where an ex may want to talk but feels stubborn or nervous about making the first move) - I tried that and it failed.

 

I didn't go above and beyond in any of my actions that isn't completely typical of the behaviour of a dumpee. I didn't even beg or plead with her. All I can be accused of is trying to re-establish dialogue. 2.5 years is a long time in a relationship (especially if the relationship was intense and you're together with your ex every day) and I don't think a relationship of that length should be let go of without an attempt to resolve it. I made that attempt and I won't die wondering.

 

I detect a lot of "don't try and over-analyse and control the situation and just let it go, bro" negativity in these responses. I would have thought there would be a bit more enlightenment and empathy on this board.

 

Here's a fact: Some relationships do reconcile. Some relationships even reconcile after years of separation. I don't know why that offends the sensibilities of people here, who seem to view any hope of reconciliation as some kind of clingy character flaw. I can take a guess that it's probably got something to do with the notion that all broken relationships must stay broken, and this comforts other broken hearts on this board that want to remove all hope for a future reconciliation. I don't think this is a healthy attitude because;

 

a. reconciliations do happen, even in the most unlikely of circumstances (especially if there was a strong connection and love)

b. removing all hope is dishonest based on (a).

 

Maintaining hope has nothing to do with clinging and trying to control or force someone to be with you in a relationship that they have discarded. Maintaining hope is more about realising that feeings do change with time, and if the relationship had good things in it (no relationship is perfect) then there is a strong chance of hearing from your ex at some stage in the future.

 

Again, hearing from an ex does not mean reconciliation. It means that you have a chance to approach your ex in a different way and possibly reignite attraction and a new relationship, leaving the toxic relationship in the past. This isn't some fantasy or pipe dream. It happens and nobody knows what cards life will deal in the near, medium or distant future. Some argue that a longer break is actually better for true reconciliation because it allows for a proper reset of the relationship.

 

Here's another fact: Love is hard to find and sometimes an ex needs time and space, sometimes months or years, to look back and reflect on what was lost. I can even attest to this because I've gotten in contact with ex's that I have dumped, sometimes months and years down the line. We didn't reconcile because they were clinging on to the old relationship and hadn't changed in my eyes.

[LordofCircle 1]

How to I start this without being too harsh? You are being selfish. Before you get all mad there some things you have realized and pushed aside or just don't care because you come first. 1. Have you put yourself in her shoes? I mean my god this person has blocked you, probably is dreading every text she gets because she fears its you and yet the one little ave she leaves open, you take it and you didn't even think that maybe, just maybe every text or every single time you reach out to her, you cause her blood pressure to go up. You are only worried about you..leads me to

 

#2. You have not accepted its over and trying to find excuses to keep the lines of communication open. You can lie to me and say it has nothing to do with getting back together and Ill ask "then why do you want to talk to her?" then you would make up any excuse to justify why you must talk to your X or why you insist in being in her life. Mind you she has blocked you and you still believe she needs you in her life.

 

#3 you are tremendously afraid and you need her way more than she needs you. She is out there trying to forge a path without you and yet you are the one reaching out. Are you spending this much time focused in on her to avoid seeing a future without her? And you must be given props for doing what you need to do to better yourself like going to see a counselor and smoking and bettering yourself. You deserve props for that. But it leads me to wonder if you are trying to stay in her life so she sees the changes in you? Kind of like.. Look what I have done since the break up. You can not correct a mistake from the past, you can only learn from it and not make it again.

 

I don't think you realized that it is over. You can say here that you know its over but you are so used to her being there after a break up that this time you might be more of a challenge. But you have to accept that you will not be in her life, she doesn't want you in her life, she doesn't want to hold you, kiss you, hug you, talk to you, have drinks with you and you have to accept that. Toss out all promises that were made, all talks about the future because it no longer matters.

 

I know its hard. No one said break ups were easy. If they were, sites like these would not exist. But they suck, they are hard, they hurt, but step one is to accept that it is over. And you might be thinking that these "steps" to healing is 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, but it doesn't work that way. Think of a pendulum that swings from emotion to emotion. They could be pain, sadness, depression, confusion, denial, bargaining, anger, but there is one that is called "acceptance" and every so often you will hit that point. As time goes by the pendulum will swing there more often and stay there longer until it eventually stays there.

 

You will find someone else and she will find someone else. Instead of wasting your energy in her, focus your energy on you. She is going to be just fine without you, she will find someone else who will make her happy. So why not do what you have to do to make you happy and someone will come by in your life.

 

With respect - she blocked me while I was taking a break from her. The block didn't come from me sending her incessant messages (which I never did). The block came from her consulting friends and a psychologist about the best way to move on from a relationship.

 

I'm not afraid of losing her or any of the other unhealthy things you describe. I have already lost her and there's nothing to cling to because the relationship is now over.

 

What I have been writing about is my perspective on reconciliation, re-connection and what that looks like. To properly re-connect you literally have to let go of the old relationship and build a new one. That's exactly what I've done and I'm in a good position in that IF she ever reaches out then I can rebuild from a fresh start and a new perspective. This is not madness or being unrealistic. This is how broken relationships are reformed.

[Rose Mosse 484]

It's actually heartbreaking reading your thoughts about reconciliation. They echo a lot of my ex-partner's thoughts but there's no possibility of reconciliation in my mind. Or, my idea of reconciliation is very different from his. Our ideas don't match and therefore, there likely will not be any reconciliation. It doesn't mean there's no love there.

 

Letting go of an old relationship rarely happens in totality because of our very human capability to retain memories, negative and positive associations. Some memories as so powerfully negative that they can't be overcome with time or replacing old with new.

 

Give yourself time to recover from her decision to remove you from her life also. It's not lack of empathy in the end, I think, but rather courage and independence (or strength) to finally say...maybe it's ok to let go. I've been through all your pain and your suffering and your thoughts. I felt the way you felt too. I think most of us have, with someone we've lost.

 

If she comes back into your life, would you be able to trust her implicitly/completely? You're giving her a lot of power over you saying yes or no. But what about you? Have you considered whether it's a good choice to have someone like her in your life? She seems to have a fairly large support network that doesn't vouch for you or your integrity nor does it seem that anyone in her support network feels confident about you. This seems very negative towards you, damaging even. Is it healthy to want to be around a circle of people who don't trust you or feel confident about you? Do you expect to win them over if she comes around? Their thoughts won't change either about you. There will always be doubt and circumspect around your relationship. Do you trust her to always put you or the relationship first when she's shown that she can't or doesn't want to?

[WaywardKiwi 49]

Hey LordofCircle,

 

Does anyone here have any insights into the psychology of my ex and the likelihood of ever hearing from her again?

 

Rather than delve into the pragmatic considerations or philosophical discourse raised by most of the replies, both yours and others, I just want to add my two cents with regard to the questions you directly ask.

 

As to her psychology, its nigh impossible to offer any great insight given that I lack any formal qualification or training in that field and all the information is coming through you. However, I would guess that she views those incompatible aspects of you and the relationship as stable and unchangeable. I base this on the fact that she initiated the breakup and chose to go no contact by closing the lines of communication. I imagine this view is reinforced by the advice and insight of others she trusts, namely professional opinion from the psychologist and friendly advice from her friends. I understand you may view the issues as changeable, however that doesn't appear to be her position.

 

This informs my answer to the second part of your question; the likelihood of her resuming contact. I would say it is unlikely, given that she appears to view the relationship as untenable on fundamental grounds, and that this is infact the second termination of the relationship. In addition, your failure to respect the termination by way of unwanted communication, contrary to your intent, has probably only served to reinforce her views, as evidenced by the escalation of the blocked contact.

 

My heart goes out to you, this time is always difficult and confusing. I would encourage you to carefully evaluate the advice given here, as though it may seem reductive at times, it is proffered from experience and anecdotal evidence from members who have viewed literally thousands of like cases on ENA.

 

Good luck,

 

T

[LordofCircle 1]

It's actually heartbreaking reading your thoughts about reconciliation. They echo a lot of my ex-partner's thoughts but there's no possibility of reconciliation in my mind. Or, my idea of reconciliation is very different from his. Our ideas don't match and therefore, there likely will not be any reconciliation. It doesn't mean there's no love there.

 

Letting go of an old relationship rarely happens in totality because of our very human capability to retain memories, negative and positive associations. Some memories as so powerfully negative that they can't be overcome with time or replacing old with new.

 

Give yourself time to recover from her decision to remove you from her life also. It's not lack of empathy in the end, I think, but rather courage and independence (or strength) to finally say...maybe it's ok to let go. I've been through all your pain and your suffering and your thoughts. I felt the way you felt too. I think most of us have, with someone we've lost.

 

If she comes back into your life, would you be able to trust her implicitly/completely? You're giving her a lot of power over you saying yes or no. But what about you? Have you considered whether it's a good choice to have someone like her in your life? She seems to have a fairly large support network that doesn't vouch for you or your integrity nor does it seem that anyone in her support network feels confident about you. This seems very negative towards you, damaging even. Is it healthy to want to be around a circle of people who don't trust you or feel confident about you? Do you expect to win them over if she comes around? Their thoughts won't change either about you. There will always be doubt and circumspect around your relationship. Do you trust her to always put you or the relationship first when she's shown that she can't or doesn't want to?

 

Thank you for this generous response Rose.

 

My ex is most certainly surrounded by negative and toxic support networks. All her friends are single, enjoying the "dating apps" lifestyle, and having regular wine parties and taking drugs. They are committed to single life and have enticed her to "join the party". This is common and forgivable. Some modern women are influenced into viewing commitment and relationships as oppressive, and that freedom and singledom are the pinnacle of being a strong and independent woman. I don't mean this in a negative way, and I support women who choose this course of life. Everyone is entitled to make their own choices. If this is what my ex truly wants for herself then I respect that choice.

 

My ex has also been highly influenced by her mother, who herself was a victim of a messy divorce and takes an extreme anti-attachment, anti-love stance. The mother has been imploring my ex to end the relationship from day 1 because the mother mistakenly believes that "love = pain" based on her own life experiences.

 

I take your point about giving my ex all the power. If my ex was to return, I would take it very slowly. I would not immediately invite her back into my life. I would take it very slowly and reconnect over a period of time.

 

Thankfully, I've now reached a point in the breakup where I feel strong enough to let her go, while maintaining a seed of love for her should she ever return. I understand that there are many forces working against me now, but am willing to hold out a glimmer of hope that love may triumph in the end. Let's see.

[LordofCircle 1]

Hey LordofCircle,

 

 

 

Rather than delve into the pragmatic considerations or philosophical discourse raised by most of the replies, both yours and others, I just want to add my two cents with regard to the questions you directly ask.

 

As to her psychology, its nigh impossible to offer any great insight given that I lack any formal qualification or training in that field and all the information is coming through you. However, I would guess that she views those incompatible aspects of you and the relationship as stable and unchangeable. I base this on the fact that she initiated the breakup and chose to go no contact by closing the lines of communication. I imagine this view is reinforced by the advice and insight of others she trusts, namely professional opinion from the psychologist and friendly advice from her friends. I understand you may view the issues as changeable, however that doesn't appear to be her position.

 

This informs my answer to the second part of your question; the likelihood of her resuming contact. I would say it is unlikely, given that she appears to view the relationship as untenable on fundamental grounds, and that this is infact the second termination of the relationship. In addition, your failure to respect the termination by way of unwanted communication, contrary to your intent, has probably only served to reinforce her views, as evidenced by the escalation of the blocked contact.

 

My heart goes out to you, this time is always difficult and confusing. I would encourage you to carefully evaluate the advice given here, as though it may seem reductive at times, it is proffered from experience and anecdotal evidence from members who have viewed literally thousands of like cases on ENA.

 

Good luck,

 

T

 

 

Thanks T. A small correction. I actually initiated the space/break-up. She chased me for a few days (I regrettably ignored her). By the time I had put my own head together and reached out, about a week later, she had then decided to block and go no contact.

 

The break-up was unwanted from her initially. She even sent a manipulative message threatening sucide. She also turned up at my apartment unannounced in the immediate aftermath of me initiating a break.

 

I don't know if this information changes your perspective.

 

From my perspective, my ex was confused and sought advice from others who may not have had her best interests at heart.

[WaywardKiwi 49]

Hey again,

 

Unfortunately, regardless of her initial position, her subsequent actions still would indicate (again, from my woefully inadequate vantage point) that she has determined that tje relationship is not salvageable. The same applies to the sources of advice; their underlying motivations aside, it appears she values their opinion and has assumed a like position.

 

Furthermore, even if your position is objectively correct (the flaws in the relationship are changeable and transitory, and the support network she relies on is malicious or misguided), then I would imagine that even if she did reinitiate contact or seek reconciliation, there would be significant impediments to success, namely your fundamentally differing views on whether people can change and the quality of her friends, family and professional engagements. These alone are generally large enough inhibitors to a relationship, let a lone one dealing with the spectre of previous dissolutions.

 

T

[Clio 296]

There is no way to predict whether you will ever hear from her again. However, based on the information that you have provided this was indeed a toxic relationship that was built on shaky ground (Infidelity, weed, friends and family disapproval of you, getting to the point of her threatening suicide are all major RED flags). It sounds like trust had been fundamentally broken from the get-go, was never fully rebuilt and no trust=no relationship. Your relationship communication pattern also sound toxic and toxic communication = no healthy relationship.

 

It sounds like you BOTH need to complete successfully SEPARATELY whatever therapy path you are into in order to be able to participate in a healthy relationship. That takes substantial time and it needs to be APART from each other. Her blocking you was thus actually a step towards the right direction imo. At this point, if you two got back together the relationship would most probably crumble again. You influence each other in the wrong way.

 

Imo, you two would need to accept the break up and go your separate ways with no hope of getting back for whatever positive changes you two make to really stick. That would need YEARS of personal growth on both of your parts, moving on to relationships with NEW people, changing fundamentally as people and pure luck i.e. life bringing you back into each others' paths through no manipulation of your own while both of you happen to be single again. Otherwise, you would both keep reverting to your old bad relationship pattern whenever you reconciled. Imo, the toxic interaction pattern you two have built cannot really change if BOTH of you haven't really moved on from your past relationship, abandoned all hope and REALLY let go of each other, which is why successful reconciliations are so RARE. Even if circumstances were EVER right to give it another try, that would require a major leap of faith that not all women would be inclined to risk (and wisely imo).

 

You blame her family and friends, you blame "modern women" mentality and you make her sound like someone who doesn't really know what's right for her. Imo, it doesn't sound like you are in a frame of mind to build a healthy relationship on equal terms with her. The toxic interaction pattern you two have built sounds still very much alive to me.

Edited July 1, 2020 by Clio