Not guilty of infidelity but BF dumped me anyways, what now?

[alibabac]

Boyfriend (36M) of 4 1/2 years broke up with me (35F) a couple days ago because he has trust issues and is suspicious, and says I'm insensitive and dismissive towards his feelings. The problem is that he speculates about cheating every 3-4 months over little things that are random and literally come out of left-field. I have tried to be sensitive and patient, but I'm getting tired of it because it's difficult to prove a negative, makes me feel like I need to really watch what I do/say, and also hurts my feelings. Even when I have proven him wrong, he doesn't apologize.

 

This recent final straw involved two accusations from him:

 

Accusation #1: He thinks I have a crush on my boss (8 yrs older than me btw). I worked for this boss for 2 years and used to despise him because his management style was terrible, so I quit. There were many bizarre things happening and I even wanted to write a satire book about it. But despite the weirdness, many people quit and end up returning because it's actually a really great organization to work for -- the boss just needed some management skills. Recently I started working for the org remotely so I don't have to be in the office near any drama. This wasn't an overnight decision. I had wanted a remote job for a while. My boss reached out asking me if I was interested in freelancing, and I spent 6 months mulling over the idea. I met with the boss for lunch when I was in town to discuss it, visited the office to see the general mood, talked with former coworkers who stated that "people can change" and it wouldn't be odd going back. I even consulted my BF. Have been working there for 9 months now and so far so good, even recently got promoted. But BF is convinced that I secretly like my boss, that he's my "type", he's uncomfortable with the idea that I may need to go on potential business trips with him. He's uncomfortable that I went to lunch with the boss without getting BF's blessing (although I did give him a heads up). I've reassured him that I'm not attracted to my boss, and that I've gone on business trips with him in the past and nothing has ever happened. The only facts my BF has are that a) boss is from another country and I've dated people from other countries therefore he is my "type", b) boss is recently divorced so that could change his dynamic with me, c) perhaps I have Stockholm Syndrome and am going back to the org because of it, and d) I've been homesick lately because of a variety of factors, mostly because BF is unsure if he wants to marry me yet and unsure whether we should stay together. In reality, I've been missing my mom who is a widow of 10 years and not in the greatest of health. I told BF that if he and and I aren't getting married, then I am pondering moving home to be by my mom. BF further speculates that my homesickness is actually a yearning for my boss. Boss is a nice person, he knows my mom too from before. He knows my mom too and since he's from another culture, he has invited us over for dinner in the past and recently when I was home. I told my BF and he got really upset and said it was odd. I honestly see the boss as more of a friend, brother or uncle figure as he's somewhat older. It's a Christian organization so there's no boundary-crossing there. I talk to him maybe 1x/week about work stuff. Other than that, I literally have zero guy friends, and the ones that I've had chances of being friends with, my BF is threatened by because they might like me.

 

Accusation #2: I was having private lady time at my place when my BF showed up - I knew he was going to stop by within a timeframe but wasn't exactly sure when.So I thought I'd capitalize on the moment and brought him to bed. (for the record, this doesn't happen often, I'm not always in the mood like this, so it was a surprise for him)... Later, BF told me he thought I might've had someone over secretly hiding in the closet, or maybe I had been Facetiming someone, even possibly my boss (OUCH!!!)

 

There have been many other bizarre suspicions and accusations that have come along, too many to list. The most bizarre suspicions he had were asking me whether I was attracted to my brother, and even my male cousin, both who I get along with really well. I told him no and that's a disgusting thought. Turns out, he slept with his cousin when he was 16. I'm not sure if this is common, but to me that's over the top.

 

This has all been a recurring theme and it is hurting me. But when I tell him that all this hurts my feelings to be wrongly accused, he says that I'm making the situation about me, when I should be making it about him. If I try to explain the situation, he'll say my responses are also weird just as my behavior is weird. It's like he's trying to find some loophole in my explanations to find other avenues where I might be lying. I'm starting to feel like I have to tread carefully in any direction otherwise I'll have a magnifying glass on me.

 

I know he had a rough childhood in an emotionally/physically abusive home and his parents' divorce. His ex-ex cheated (or allegedly cheated), so he had a rough time with her. But I've never been with someone who has this many trust issues and wonder if he does this intentionally or to push me away. I started documenting all of the accusations that would occur almost on a cyclical basis. During this recent escalation, I did my explaining and reassuring but then stopped and asked him point blank: Do you think this is healthy to be feeling this suspicious as often as you do? He got really upset with me and said he can never talk to me about these issues, that I don't give him any margin for talking to him. I asked him how else should I be handling it? He doesn't really have a concrete answer. Then he says he doesn't feel suspicious that often, but I told him it's every 3-4 months or maybe less! I said without trust, we don't have a healthy relationship.

 

Then he blames me and says the reason he is suspicious with me so often is because although I haven't cheated, I lied about some things during the first year and I had cheated with other ex's. During our first year together, he was convinced that I was hiding something from him and we had many tiffs over several things he believed were "suspicious" or "odd". He went into my phone and found old texts and messages from former crushes where nothing had happened but we had flirted. The bigger thing I had lied about was one guy in our extended social circle who I had had dated prior to my BF, but I was embarrassed to tell my BF that we had slept together. I finally came clean a year into the relationship and he seemed fine about it but it's now being used as a sore point whenever suspicions are raised. On top of that, he knows I've cheated on some ex's and to justify our breakup, said that have a history of pulling the wool over people's eyes and not being honest. Not totally true. I had cheated on my ex-husband and told him about it, which is why we divorced. Another ex and I were long distance for a long time, so we agreed to have an "open relationship" of sorts, but didn't talk about it and that didn't work out. My more recent ex and i were on-again, off-again, and during the times we were off, I was trying to date other people and didn't tell the ex about it, because it's not exactly his business if we had been broken up. But BF thinks this is all signs of my lack of integrity.

 

He contradicts himself though because he, too, has bent the truth and pulled the wool over his ex's eyes. He lied to me about a former female colleague who he knew before me. She was obsessed with him but he didn't feel the same way. Despite that, he let her stay with him for 2 weeks and he claims that she was trying to throw herself on him and it was a miserable time, but nothing happened. I then discovered photos on his computer from her trip, there were rose petals on the bed and in the bathroom with candles lit, it looked like they actually had a very romantic time! There weren't any photos of them together though. I confronted him about the rose petals and candles, he said she set that up hoping to win him over, and he confessed that they actually did sleep together but only for a few seconds before he stopped it. He was likewise embarrassed about this and had kept this information from me. He also has cheated on some of his ex's, including his ex-wife but didn't tell her about it. In fact, the mistress was the ex-ex who caused him all the headaches with her own dishonesty. I said these are all indicators that he can likewise be viewed as untrustworty and can pull the wool over people's eyes.

 

He realized all of this was hypocritical and admitted he's in the wrong for judging me for those things. The difference between us is, I trust him 150% and am not using his past nor any truth-bending to justify being suspicious of him in any way. However, he is laser-focused on this and still dumped me because he says I give him little margin to even have a dialogue about these things and that's a deal breaker. In reality, I'm fine having dialogue, but when he escalates it, it becomes draining and I literally go numb and check out of the conversation. I think he just wants a reason to push me away and solidify a reason not to get married.

 

I also told him that nobody I have dated has ever been as suspicious as he is. He says my ex's probably didn't really care or love me enough to get suspicious, and he inquires because he cares. From what I've read, this is a prime example of manipulation! And based on how I've been feeling over the years (tired, depressed, unsure, unable to make decisions, isolated), perhaps there is a semblance of truth here. I need to start living my truth. I care about him and love him deeply, and believe me, we have an amazing relationship! But the trust issue has torn us from the inside out and it's really a shame. I love him and have tolerated it, but I have to start loving me more!

 

I am curious to hear if anyone else on here has had a similar experience? Any nuggets of wisdom? What was your situation like? Is your SO suspicious of you, and how do you feel about it? Are you yourself the jealous type? Am I overreacting?

 

Side note: I know my fertility window is closing as I'm 35 and I do want to have kids. I don't want to stay with someone thinking I'm doomed to find anyone else. I just don't know anymore.

[smackie9]

A relationship is supposed to be enjoyable, trusting loving....you had to put up with a jealous paranoid BF. You were treated like crap....it was time to get out.

 

I had an ex BF that would shove me because he thought I was checking out another guy even tho I had just happened to look in that general direction. It was horrible.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, I once dated a guy who was irrationally paranoid. He lobbed similar stupid accusations at me. It never got better.

 

And I'd never felt better once I ended it for good. I'd had enough of being accused of things that had zero basis in reality, enough of walking on eggshells, enough of being thought of as the type of woman who was capable of the ridiculous crap I was being suspected of.

 

I mean - are you attracted to your brother? Really? This dude is not playing with a full deck, and one day you will thank your lucky stars you didn't marry him. You would be miserable.

 

Funny enough, guess who I found out was cheating after I felt him? The projection is real with some of these people. They know what they are up to when you are not looking, so they become convinced you might do the same. Don't be surprised if you one day learn something similar about your boyfriend, OP.

 

In short - run. Do it now before you make the mistake of committing any further to him.

 

EDIT: Wait. I take it this is the same guy who insulted you back in 2018? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=550481 You can see your relationship and his mistreatment of you has not gotten better, no?

[Lambert]

I didnt read your whole post. I need shorter paragraphs... but I did see the end about your fertility concerns.

 

If you really want kids, do it on your own. Do not have children with a guy that has trust issues.

 

Think of the kids!

[boltnrun]

I can guarantee if you do become pregnant he will suspect the baby is your boss's, your brother's or your cousin's.

 

Why put yourself through that?

[alibabac]

Thank you, I'm sorry you had to go through that as well. We do hang on to hope that it will get better, don't we? It's sad to hear that these types don't usually get better without intense therapy or something. I wonder if he would have the same issue with a different girl (perhaps a virgin who has no history!) How long did it take you to get over it?

 

When he was being overly suspicious during the first year, I started to wonder if he was cheating so I asked him about it. He got mad and said I was being manipulative for even asking that, deflecting his suspicions of me. So I dropped it. I don't honestly think he's cheating or has cheated. He's pretty open and honest. He revealed to me before that he had a crush on his own coworker at one point which he got over. He also had a crush on a girl who worked at our gym who he also got over.

 

Yes... you are a sleuth! It is the same person, and clearly I hadn't followed advice back then ;) Part of the reason being the internet is very quick to jump and say "dump him / run for the hills!" but relationships are complex and take time sometimes to work through things.

[alibabac]

Thanks for you response. We actually WERE living together up until 2 weeks ago. He had been house-hunting and I told him I was uncomfortable getting a house together after 4 1/2 years unless we were married. I opted to stay in the house we've been renting, so he moved into the new house and put it in his name. We were going to take the next 1-2 months to decide if we should move forward to marriage, in which case I'd move in. Very interesting to see it unravel so quickly.

 

Also, to clarify, he didn't rape his cousin. They were the same age and it was mutual. I do hear that it happens among people on occasion. Seems strange and gross to me!

[alibabac]

That's an interesting thought and a legitimate angle! I will consider that...

[Wiseman2]

Google "cycle of abuse". Don't take internet strangers' advice who simply say dump him. Read and research for yourself.

 

It's horrible to believe that you're in an abusive relationship when you would rather believe you're a happy couple buying a house, getting married and he's just a jealous guy. Perhaps to prove something to yourself after your divorce?

 

The denial is protecting your psyche from accepting how horrible this really is, that's part of how abuse works. Keep in mind no abuser is 100% abusive, it's always the mean-sweet cycles you describe so well.

 

The horror of the truth can be so bad it causes cognitive dissonance. Google that along with other research on abusive relationships. Finding the truth for yourself is up to you. But you have finally found an escape route, he moved out. Change the locks, let him get a peace officer to collect any residual belongings.

That's an interesting thought and a legitimate angle! I will consider that...

[Rose Mosse]

Heal from whatever has happened in your own past. I think both of you were oversharing a bit too much about past histories with your exes. Use friends, a therapist, anyone else. Don't use future partners to disclose or tell long cathartic stories about past bfs/husbands/sex partners etc. That time together should be about the both of you and no one else.

 

If you go into a new relationship some time in the future, process all of this first and put it behind you. If your new partner asks, you can mention your differences but keep the gory details out. Heal. Stay positive and keep things moving forwards.

 

From the surface of things it appears your boss does have a somewhat personal relationship with you and your family. I think this can be intimidating to a partner who hasn't known you as long as your boss for example. The trust isn't there anyway because of the oversharing/too many details.

 

This person isn't a good match but I do think you may have some healing to do from your past. Don't choose individuals like this for long term partners. He needs work too.

[MissCanuck]

Thank you, I'm sorry you had to go through that as well. We do hang on to hope that it will get better, don't we? It's sad to hear that these types don't usually get better without intense therapy or something. I wonder if he would have the same issue with a different girl (perhaps a virgin who has no history!) How long did it take you to get over it?.

 

It didn’t take me long to get over it. I’d had enough of his crap by the time I broke it off, so I was already in good shape to put him in my past. I wasn’t sad to let him go.

 

You’re right that relationships are complex and take time to work through. But judging by your last thread, this guy has been making you feel very bad about yourself for far too long. It needs to be over before your self-worth is totally pulverized.

[alibabac]

Yes I definitely believe there was oversharing! He said he had always wanted a relationship where things were fully communicated and on the table. We had been living in a smaller town where everyone bumps into each other on the daily, but I had lived there much longer with more established connections. If we bumped into one of my ex-lovers or ex-crushes, he wanted to know about it. I warned him that it might not be the best idea to divulge all the details of ex's and what-not. I don't have the greatest of histories. But he said this would make a relationship extraordinary and trustworthy. So I did it for that sake and thought I was helping to build our trust. My mom always said, a woman has a right to her privacy so I should've just said I wasn't comfortable divulging or talking about some things rather than bending the truth. Will definitely be considering these things moving forward.

[alibabac]

My conundrum now is that we moved out of that small town to a different town 4 hours away. He moved first, then I followed him under the premise that we'd get in engaged soon. That was back in December, 7 months ago. Then marriage was off the table again, back and forth we go. Then COVID hit, and we don't really know anyone, so my support system is non-existent. My main family is in another state and I'd love to move back, but the weather can be quite extreme so I'm still struggling with that idea. I wish my mom would move to me, but that's kind of selfish of me to consider uprooting her.

 

He and I have had talks about breaking up before and he had said if it were to happen, it will always be done civilly, he's not the type to be vengeful and is a very good provider in that sense. I'm not worried there.

[Wiseman2]

Talk to your friends and family about things.

My main family is in another state and I'd love to move back, but the weather can be quite extreme so I'm still struggling with that idea.

[boltnrun]

Logistics is not a reason to stay in a relationship where you're being treated like a loose, untrustworthy woman.

[LootieTootie]

Holy Crap! Reading your post hurt my eyes. This guy's head is not screwed right.. .who ask their gf/bf are you attracted to your sibling?

 

My advice to you is RUN!

 

Stop putting up with this nut who can't keep his head in check... his antics are irrational and hurtful and he needs professional help.

 

The longer you stay in this relationship, it's ONLY going to hurt you. Nothing good will come out of this relationship with this man. If anything, you will probably see the red flags sooner with other potential guys but this man is taking too much of your time and energy. Imagine dealing with his antics for the rest of your life...

[AceAlice]

There is a lot going on here, all the advice from everyone is right though. You need to get out of it. I know it's going to hurt, and you might have a few months of feeling lost and confused, asking the what ifs and the why's. But in the end you have to look after yourself. This person is not stable, and they need to work on themselves before ever being relationship ready. Whether or not they ever realise this is something none of us can say, but right now all the signs point to dismissive behaviours and no signs of change.

 

The best thing that they did for you is to break up with you. The more time you have to reflect on the relationship, the more you will realise how much of a bullet you dodged. He is blaming you for everything he feels is wrong with the relationship, whether those issues exist or not. A healthy relationship does not have this one sided dynamic, nor does it have the paranoia that he is showing. There is a difference between jealousy and paranoia in my opinion. He's making situations in his own head and using them against you. Why? I don't know, but why doesn't matter. You have tried to work through his issues with him, but that doesn't work. You explain yourself, that doesn't work.

 

Focus on you. Start building a better, happier life for yourself, without him. Break ups suck, they really do, but you will be thankful that he dumped you one day.

 

Stay strong, and work towards happiness.

[catfeeder]

It helped me to envision the loving, caring and trusting relationship that I deserve to have. The more I did that, the clearer a contrast I was able to draw against the mistreatment I had tolerated.

 

We don't get any time back for do-overs, so how much more time do you want to waste on someone who is incapable of giving you what you want and deserve?

 

Head high, and consider counseling to help you move beyond being a person who tolerates red flags and mistreatment. You will thank yourself sooner rather than later.