Jump to content

Hearing about and meeting an Ex


firstluvstruck
 Share

Recommended Posts

I've been dating a girl for 3 months now during quarantine. We've gotten pretty close. At the beginning she would tell me about about past sex partners (she told me she does this to show worth - she's discussed it as something she doesn't like with her therapist). I've told her I really don't like it. I have an insecurity about it, it bothers me for a bit then I get over it.

 

She's told me about her most recent bf who she's friends with, and I'm ok with it. No insecurity. Maybe because she speaks so highly of him and has assured me they are friends and it was never as romantic as our relationship.

 

Anyway, I met a group of her friends recently. One was an ex boyfriend from 10 years ago. Didn't bother me. We were having a normal conversation in which she was telling me about the group of friends and she said this one ex was really sleesy - he would always hit on her even when he had a gf. Then she told me she slept with him last year after a night out.

 

It bothers to think about it. Am I just that insecure??

I asked her right away why she told me as she knows I don't like hearing about it. I'd like to think I'm upset only because she told me, but I'm not.

Does it bother me simply because of the fact I don't like picturing her w other ppl. Even more now that I have a face to it? That she found him sleezy and still slept w him? That they're friends again? Do I confuse lust with love? (I've definitely given in to lust and know it's just in the moment)?

 

All of the above? I just want to let it go but the thought will pop in my head and cause a moment of jealousy and sometimes, like now, it spirals.

 

I'm moving across the country tomorrow and I'm deciding if I want to keep it going long distance. He has a girlfriend now, but will that stop him from trying again?

 

Thanks for reading (I haven't had my morning coffee yet).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good luck with your move. Start fresh. She has no boundaries, discretion and a bad case of verbal diarrhea. She seems immature and desperate to have to ply you with all this TMI.

 

I'm moving across the country tomorrow and I'm deciding if I want to keep it going long distance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This girl seems toxic and pretty messed up. No, it's not normal to share that kind of info and you are correct to request that she stop that behavior. However, as you can see, she doesn't. She isn't showing her worth, btw, she is showing that she is disordered.

 

You've only been together 3 months and already this much drama? On top of that you are moving? I'd say let this go completely, move, meet new people and don't drag yourself down with crazy. Embrace your new place, new life and find a more sane girl to date.

 

As a general rule of thumb, stay away from people who are dragging a train load of ex's turned "friends" behind them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks. I've had similar thoughts. The person I'm to spend my life with wouldn't let me feel like this. I also question why she's the only one to tell me about the past.

 

Are the feelings I'm having in this situation somewhat normal? I feel I should seriously keep reflecting to find out where they come from. (But also, the right people/person won't allow me to feel these in the first place, right?)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's normal to be weirded out and uncomfortable with that. I think most people would be on some level.

 

Unless you've had jealousy issue in ever single relationship ever.....then this particular situation is not one to make you question yourself. Focus on patterns, not the aberration so to speak. If you normally feel safe and stable in the relationship, but then start dating someone who leaves you feeling off, the problem isn't you, the problem is that particular relationship and that particular combination of you and her that's not working.

 

I mean this is why we date - to learn who the person is and how well we do or don't mesh. Early on it's always fun, but a few months in the cracks start showing and that's your clue to walk away.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel I should seriously keep reflecting to find out where they come from.

 

Serious question: Why?

 

Let's say I eat a certain food, and every time I eat it I end up feeling a little sick. Now I have a choice. I can get "serious" about learning where those feelings of sickness come from, analyzing my digestive tract, or I can just change my diet and put things into my body that I can digest with ease and pleasure.

 

Insecurity is infectious, contagious, kind of like a bacteria. I think you've digested a bit of hers, over these past few months.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She's honest with you that she's working through issues with her therapist. I think your points are valid as is your discomfort but your expectations are too high.

 

She needs to work through her issues of self-worth and self-confidence.

 

I don't believe she's doing it to hurt you. She does actually seem to have issues with how she sees herself in relation to her peers.

 

If you care about her, be compassionate but rein back and look at her as a whole person - not just what you want out of a relationship.

 

This may not work as a relationship either. She may be a better friend than a girlfriend.

 

Take care of yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

At the beginning she would tell me about about past sex partners (she told me she does this to show worth - she's discussed it as something she doesn't like with her therapist). I've told her I really don't like it. I have an insecurity about it, it bothers me for a bit then I get over it.

 

Dude. Run.

 

This girl has issues. It isn't normal for a healthy, mature adult to brag about sex partners to a current love interest to "show worth." The fact that she equates sex with worth? Bad sign. Deep insecurity and warped priorities there.

 

I would keep looking. She's not got her head screwed on quite right.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's fine that she's friends with exes. The problem is she's keeping them around -and oversharing -not because she cares about them or you but to get that validation and that thrill of trying to make you jealous and insecure and have power over you.

 

I also love the food analogy above, and I agree. Let her go.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Should I tell her how much this has been bothering me or just let it be.

 

We likely will not keep dating long distance

 

Agree with Rose. You've had the talk, and she's listened—best she can. Accept that her best is exactly that, while sadly not being something that brings out your best.

 

Back to the food stuff. You've gone to the restaurant, many times, trying everything on the menu. You even did that awkward thing where you told the waiter the food was undercooked, and he said he'd have the kitchen work on it. Alas, it still wasn't cooked right. Decor is nice, as is the waitstaff, but the food doesn't quite taste right or sit well. Do you go rant on Yelp, or do you find a better place to eat?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't even know why you enjoy her company, because her discussions regularly focus on one area that is both boring and upsetting. There's a lot more to choosing a longterm partner than just her looks.

 

Plus, she ignored your wishes of keeping that info to herself because you are repelled by that info. That's uncaring behavior.

 

Yes, it's important to find out about a person's relationship past, but only in brief, general terms, not info of every man she's ever slept with and the details about that.

 

I agree with the majority that you should start your new adventure without her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well regarding oversharing about sex with past partners, I don't think that's good. I think it's in poor taste. Even if I talk about sexual things I've done or like doing to a partner, I wouldn't say who I did it with or give any details about the actual ex.

 

Is she good friends with those two ex's? Does she actually hang out with them? It's hard regarding the ex's situation because sometimes people keep in touch with ex's, but they aren't that close and don't spend much time together. I keep in touch with an ex, we broke up six years ago. However I hardly ever speak to them, I just have them on Facebook and occasionally they come to my parties or mutual friends' parties. That ex has been with a new partner for 3.5 years. I am actually good friends with an ex FWB, not a serious ex. Mostly I hang out with him in a group. The FWB with him ended three years ago. To be honest I wouldn't end my friendship with my ex FWB because he is actually a good friend and he's a really nice guy.

 

I think it depends if you can really trust this girl and that she's not doing anything wrong with those ex's. I mean, if she's not attracted to that sleazy ex anymore, she won't necessarily want to do anything with him. If he starts hitting on her though then I think you would have grounds to ask her to distance from him.

 

Do you have strong feelings for this girl? Can you picture being with her in the future? I think if you like her a lot and she hasn't flirted or done anything wrong with those ex's, then that doesn't necessarily have to be the sole reason to end it. However if you're not really sure about this girl anyway and you're also moving away, you might want to consider ending it.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I took a nap and feel better - not as riled up as before. I can't remember why exactly I felt so bad this morning. I mean I remember why, but not how it got to me so much. Maybe I'm distancing myself already.

 

I do have my doubts about her as a life partner aside from this. Sometimes I feel our energies are different - as if we aren't on the same page and don't think similarly. And tbh, this is truly why I wouldn't try long distance. We just don't have a strong enough foundation (and no concrete plan for being in the same city any time soon) to attempt something long distance.

We have spent a lot a lot of time together during quarantine, but still not enough time and enough experiences in different settings.

 

So then one may ask why am I even letting this get to me? I guess we are somewhat close. I do care about her. I am/was offended. And a small part of me was open to the idea of trying to keep it going.

 

I don't know how much they actually hang out or talk. The sleezy ex is part of the same friends circle, but not sure how often they hang alone or talk one on one.

 

What gets me is if he's always been so sleezy why has she kept him around as a friend. Because they are part of the same circle and that is just easier?? She even said he's been in love with her for years. Keeping around for validation?

Ugh I guess I really do have too high of expectations. And don't understand what it's like to have always dated in extended friend circles. Nevertheless, definitely still in bad taste and disrespectful to give me TMI.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...