Jump to content

Should I leave my boyfriend?


Badabum33
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone.

I’m notorious for leaving my boyfriends too early, not having had a relationship of more than 6 months.

 

I like my boyfriend, we spend a good time together and we seem to have some things in common. For the first time, I feel like myself with a boyfriend and this is good. He cares about me and talks to me every day.

 

Now let’s go to the bad part. He has two kids, 7 and 11, and wants me to be their mother. The problem is that the kids already have a mother and spend most of the time with her and their stepdad, only seeing my boyfriend 4-6 days per month. Still, he insists on me becoming their stepmother and has ruled out the idea of having any kids with me.

 

I’ve met their mother and found out she’s no good. The kids are nice but they’re under her influence and there’s not much I can do about it. I’d love to become a mother at some point, but for that to happen, I want to see my kids every day. Not twice a month and under the influence of a bad person, like their mother.

 

As I said, though, my boyfriend doesn’t want kids and even avoids making love with me for fear of me becoming pregnant. So our sex life is practically non-existent. Another red flag, I guess.

 

The only reason I’m not leaving is that I finally feel like myself when being with someone else and this happens for the first time in my life. We still have a good time together and I’m not alone anymore. I’ve recently moved to a new country so I don’t have friends here yet. We sometimes travel together and he shows me the country. I met his family and friends and everything.

 

I know I should talk to him and let him know I don’t want to be a second mother (I’ve already let him know I don’t want to see his kids often, but I’m not sure he got the message).

 

We don’t live together, but he wants us to live together at some point. But I don’t want this to happen, yet.

 

Should I leave him? I like him, but not that woman. I can’t imagine myself being in the same family as her, or trying to help her kids unlearn her toxic advice. No matter how adorable the kids are, I feel that this isn’t a fair deal for me and I should be going. Any thoughts? Should I leave now? Should I gradually prepare the ground to leave? Or should I wait and see if he changes his mind with time? (I feel like this is a trap and people don’t really change, which is why I left all my ex’s)

 

Thank you so much for reading

Edited by Badabum33
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You both don't want the same things and this is a temporary relationship with no future. Don't wait to see if he can change his mind. There is nothing wrong with seeing deal breakers and get out early on. Do you want a sexless relationship?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don’t stay just to prove to yourself that you can stay in a relationship. You think she’s a bad mother. You don’t want to mother her kids which you shouldn’t be doing. That’s bad for the kids since you’re not married to their dad and thinking of leaving. Kids don’t “get” dating. They “get attached “. You’re so judgmental about their mother while you are putting these kids in harms way by letting them get attached to you. Please let this family find a healthful situation. Without you in it. You’re just trying to prove something to yourself. Do your self test elsewhere where you don’t risk upsetting or hurting young kids.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok first off.... He will not change. So stop that.

 

This guy is not your forever guy, so don't make forever plans with him. Do not move in. Do not commit. For all the reasons you said.....

 

Maybe you feel like you can be yourself, because you know you don't want to be with this guy. No pressure. Don't use him because you don't have any friends. End things before you get to entangled emotionally. You deserve to have a healthy sex life & children of your own, if you want....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How long have you been dating?

Less than 6 months?

 

He doesn’t exactly sound like father of the year!

He should not introduce his kids to anyone he is simply dating until well into an established committed relationship!

At least over one year!

 

Why did you agree to meeting his kids?

Did you not have a discussion with him about this and how it’s not fair on his kids ?

 

It’s going to end sooner or later.

 

This guy sounds like he is using you to get an apparent “stability” in his life ???

 

Since you have recently moved to his country , you should concentrate on building friendships before dating.

 

???

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I might have missed it but do you love him? I see you said you like him but are you IN LOVE with him?

 

You may be staying because you jumped ship to early in the past and now you are on a sinking ship trying to bail water on a lost cause.

 

To many red flags and no shared life goals means this is not the relationship for you.

 

Time to end this

 

Lost

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The only reason I’m not leaving is that I finally feel like myself when being with someone else If you mean he's better than the worst of the worst you dated, it still doesn't mean that's a sign you should continue with him.

 

In this situation, the good does not trump the bad. Never ignore dealbreakers. If you had a healthy self-esteem, you wouldn't settle for someone who doesn't share your life goals. If you want biological children, he doesn't, so that's a dealbreaker. If you'd like a regular amount of sex, he's not the right partner, since he's either afraid of accidental pregnancies or he's afraid you'll trap him by getting pregnant.

 

It's common to date a boatload of men until you find one who matches you in all the major ways. Don't feel bad about ending relationships that didn't work for you. Concentrate on building a joyous life solo, and work on your self esteem. Only then will you be ready to share your joy with another bf. Perhaps if your self esteem was lacking, then that is the reason you attract men who are "less than." When you work on yourself, you might find that your luck improves in the love department, since you will likely attract decent men and you won't settle for less.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much, everyone! This is great advice, and you’re so right; I shouldn’t be trying to prove I can stay in a relationship.

 

I don’t know whether I really want to become a mother or not, but I’d love to have that option open.

 

Even if I exclude that as a reason why I should leave, there’s plenty more. He wants a nanny, for sure. Thanks again, I had nowhere else to turn to.

 

Fortunately, I’ve learned to be alone and cherish those moments, which is why I have no problems leaving my boyfriends early.

 

Wish you all the best!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’ll end it for the kids. For their own good. He’s a bad father, since he wanted me to meet them after only 3 months of dating. He’s a “too much too soon” type of guy, and I take things really slow, so here’s yet another reason why we’re incompatible. Thanks again ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, absolutely not. I have this theory that if something happens repeatedly, if I notice a negative pattern, then I do something wrong. It’s not just the fault of others, or that I date the wrong people all the time. I want to make sure I’m not being paranoid again for ending things too soon, but your messages are comforting :)

 

He’s coming over on Saturday. It will be our last weekend together

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would probably sit him down and talk sooner rather than later. It's kind to talk to someone and explain things. The slow fade is mean because they don't know.

 

Doing it quickly is fine. It's never going to good for them or you. It stinks... But you're just not compatible. You're not mad. He didn't do anything to you. So I'd be kind.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Of course I’m not mad. He’s a good guy. He’s just afraid of being alone and is trying to find support for himself and his kids until they turn 18. Having to talk to that woman makes him unbelievably stressed, and he has to do that because of the kids. But then again, that’s none of my business. It shouldn’t be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you want to be a live-in nanny? Are you working or studying in his country? Do you need a job or place to live?

He has two kids, 7 and 11, and wants me to be their mother. he wants us to live together at some point.

 

We still have a good time together and I’m not alone anymore. I’ve recently moved to a new country so I don’t have friends here yet. We sometimes travel together and he shows me the country.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nope. I have a job and my own place to live. I’d never make such a mistake and be dependent on anyone else in a foreign country. That’s a big no-no for anyone moving to another country, unless you have family members or friends you can fully trust.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Of course I’m not mad. He’s a good guy. He’s just afraid of being alone and is trying to find support for himself and his kids until they turn 18. Having to talk to that woman makes him unbelievably stressed, and he has to do that because of the kids. But then again, that’s none of my business. It shouldn’t be.

 

....Withholding intimacy and sex is abusive, so I wouldn't call him a nice guy at all.

 

I kind of get the impression that your picker is broken and that contrary to what you think, your issue is that you tend to date wrong kind of men longer than you should. Basically, something that should have ended after a few dates, carries on into months. Think on that......

 

Meet, greet, a few dates and done is very very normal. If you believe that's flawed, then you will invariably end up trying to stick around longer than you should.

 

You might also want to explore what about this damaged toxic dynamic made you feel like yourself....like it's comfortable..... Worth looking into. Damaged and toxic is not supposed to feel normal.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

....Withholding intimacy and sex is abusive, so I wouldn't call him a nice guy at all.

 

.....

 

You might also want to explore what about this damaged toxic dynamic made you feel like yourself....like it's comfortable..... Worth looking into. Damaged and toxic is not supposed to feel normal.

 

I guess I dated really terrible guys in the past. I felt like myself because when he’s not with his kids, he’s fun to be with. He’s not too serious all the time, we do a lot of funny things and play fun games together, he’s cool and we don’t argue about useless things, he likes peace and harmony just like I do... but maybe it’s also because I feel no pressure to keep him that I feel so comfortable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Adultery - the New Monogamy?
      Adultery is the Future of Marriage? The ancient institution of monogamous marriage is ill-suited to the exigencies of modern Western civilization. People of both genders live and work longer (which renders sexual exclusivity impracticable); travel far and away frequently; and are exposed to tempting romantic alternatives via social networking and in various workplace and social settings. As leisure time increases and physical survival is all but effortlessly guaranteed, recreation takes precedence over procreation.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Healing the Child Within
      In today’s episode of The Terri Cole Show, you are in for a treat. I am interviewing a new pal, his name is Nate Postlethwait, but you may know him as @nate_postlethwait on Instagram.

       
      • 0 replies
    • How to Sort Your Life Out | Self Improvement
      This video is about how to sort your life out. There are four important things you need to do to sort your life out ASAP.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Triggers
      You may be tempted to deal with your triggers by avoiding everything or everyone that triggers you. Although that will help you feel better in the moment, it will make life a lot harder for you over all. Instead, here's an emotionally intelligent way of managing your triggers that will help you a lot more.

       
      • 0 replies
    • No Intimacy Without Personal Boundaries (Q&A)
      The ability to thrive in intimacy is inextricably linked to the capacity to maintain and enforce personal boundaries. In personality disordered patients, both are sorely compromised.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...