Met a girl, started talking but she is just getting out of bad relationship HELP

[zach445897]

Hi there,

 

So last weekend I met this girl at a pool party and we really hit it off. We are both 23 and have some similar friends. I got her number and we started talking heavily for a few days. The conversation was flowing well so I decided to ask her to dinner, to which I got the following response:

 

"Awe im really flattered (monkey emoji), I just got out of a psychotic relationship 2 weeks ago so I'm really just trying to deal with all the craziness hes been putting me through. I really enjoy talking to you though so I hope it doesnt come off as awful (monkey emoji)."

 

This is something I know all to well having been in my own extremely toxic relationship, she told me she had to get escorted out the backdoor of a bar because he showed up and wouldn't leave her alone.

 

I usually know better than to get involved in a situation like this but theres just something about this girl that I can't just say it and move to the next one. I really see something here.

 

I used to see one of her bestfriends also but it was long before I knew her and the bestfriend has since moved on and we both decided we were better off as friends, this didnt seem to bother her at all as even after it was brought up she kept continuing to make conversation and find out about me.

 

This past weekend she went to the cabin with her friends and she didnt reply to my message the evening before so I decided to lay off a little, but the next day she snapchatted me so we did that here and there. Last night I saw her at the gym and went right up to her and made casual conversation and it seemed to have gone well. I texted her later on that it was nice to see her and she was really receptive to it and we planned to see eachother at the gym this AM.

 

That's all the backstory I kind of have on this, I really feel like I can relate to this girl in a lot of ways and that we could be something special. I'm just not too sure how to approach this situation and how much I should be reaching out to try and talk to her or how much I need to layoff and try and make her miss me. This is giving me mad anxiety and talking to girls normally never does that, I just feel that this one is special.

 

If theres any advice or further questions it would be really really appreciated.

[smackie9]

She's just looking for attention......that's it. BF without benefits.

[SarahLancaster]

She's not interested. No woman who is interested will turn down a guy for a date just because she's finished with a bad relationship. Move on.

[zach445897]

Fair enough, I am just confused as to why she would continue conversation and try and get to know me and say she really wants to still talk to me if she wasnt being genuine about not wanting to go out right now.

[reinventmyself]

Let her set the pace. Why does she talk to you? Because shes kind and decent. Don't read too much into it.

 

Believe her when she tells you shes not ready and resist trying to read the the tea leaves why she is being friendly.

Don't push, don't plan a don't try to steer this by wondering what your next move is.

She knows how you feel. Move on, be kind when you see her and maybe sometime in the future she'll remember you as that cool guy when shes open to considering it and in a better place.

[DancingFool]

It doesn't matter if you think you can relate or whatever. You asked for a date, she shot you down. End of story.

If she was in the least bit interested, she'd have gone to dinner with you. If she was even curious, she'd have given dinner a shot. She is totally not into you that way.

[zach445897]

I'm just really confused because she asked the friend I used to see if it was okay that she talk to me. I'm just having a really hard time understanding why she would go through all that if she wasn't the slightest bit interested.

[DancingFool]

I'm just really confused because she asked the friend I used to see if it was okay that she talk to me. I'm just having a really hard time understanding why she would go through all that if she wasn't the slightest bit interested.

 

Because women are really good at friendzoning guys and also using them for attention and so on. Especially when they can see you are smitten and can be used. You are her gal pal just with dangly bits. Unfortunately, that doesn't ever progress to more for you. There is really nothing confusing about this outside of the fact that you don't want to take "No" as the answer.

[MissCanuck]

I'm just really confused because she asked the friend I used to see if it was okay that she talk to me. I'm just having a really hard time understanding why she would go through all that if she wasn't the slightest bit interested.

 

 

She said no to a date; that's the key take-away here. She probably enjoys your attention and is flattered, especially since she's very recently single. I'm sure she think you're a nice guy and she likes the distraction but I would not pin your hopes on this one, OP. She's not in the right head-space to date at this time.

[reinventmyself]

Is she supposed to go into isolation and not speak to anyone while she works on getting her balance back? It's not a crime to talk to someone.

 

Being newly single I think she got excited at the anticipation of things to come. Getting attention while dealing with a break up is a great distraction. Maybe not fair to other person, but you do have a responsibility here to manage your own expecations. Assuming you have similar friends, you would have known she recently ended a relationship. Why would you choose to engage someone to this extent knowing this?

 

But when it came right down to it, common sense overuled that excitment and she acknowledged she wasn't ready. Thank her for that and not having drug through a rebound situation instead.

 

Your title says you need HELP. Help on what exactly? You have all the information you need.

I get the sense you are wanting help on what your next move is. But there isn't one. Not in this case.

Take the high road, carry on and be kind when you see her. It may work in your benefit. But for the time being, let this one go.

[zach445897]

Getting attention while dealing with a break up is a great distraction. Maybe not fair to other person, but you do have a responsibility here to manage your own expecations. Assuming you have similar friends, you would have known she recently ended a relationship. Why would you choose to engage someone to this extent knowing this?

.

 

We have similar friends but I didn't even know she existed prior to the pool party, a new friend they never brought around because she was in a relationship. I did't know anything regarding her situation until I asked her to dinner.

 

 

I appreciate your sound advice without making me feel stupid. It may seem clear cut to alot of people but to me it really hasn't been. When she tells me she wants to talk to me but is scared of what her physically abusive ex might do to someone new shes with I can empathize with why she wouldn't want to go on a date after only being broken up for two weeks with him still stalking her.

 

You are right though the help I was looking for was for what I should do next, keep trying to talk to her every now and then and develop a stronger connection, or lay off and let her come to me.

[reinventmyself]

Another way to look at it. Someone going through a tumultuous relationship ending with an ex that from what you describe might be abusive doesnt make for a good prospect. Not now and not for sometime.

As much as you like her she she wouldn't make for a good partner for sometime until she's had considerable time to heal and process this.

Instead of focusing on what she wants, give some serious thought to what you are looking for.

[DancingFool]

We have similar friends but I didn't even know she existed prior to the pool party, a new friend they never brought around because she was in a relationship. I did't know anything regarding her situation until I asked her to dinner.

 

 

I appreciate your sound advice without making me feel stupid. It may seem clear cut to alot of people but to me it really hasn't been. When she tells me she wants to talk to me but is scared of what her physically abusive ex might do to someone new shes with I can empathize with why she wouldn't want to go on a date after only being broken up for two weeks with him still stalking her.

 

You are right though the help I was looking for was for what I should do next, keep trying to talk to her every now and then and develop a stronger connection, or lay off and let her come to me.

 

Lay way off and let her do her own healing and standing on her own two feet. If you hang around as a support and shoulder to cry on, free therapy, etc. - it will make her feel good, but....it also makes you the gal pal in her eyes. Once healed she'll move on to someone else. Basically, don't be her crutch because once crutches are no longer needed, they get discarded.

 

Overall, never bond over damage or drama. It's like building a house on quicksand. Healthy, fun relationships start out with two people who are in a healthy and good place in life to date and make room for a relationship. Who can connect more genuinely. Connecting over drama, damage, rescuing might feel genuine, but it isn't really and just turns toxic in the end.

[zach445897]

Thank you for this !! This is what I was struggling with! I couldn't decide if it was better for me having been through a toxic relationship with an abusive ex like she has would be good common ground to start something on and to be there for her to vent to me so that she feels comfortable coming to me.

 

If you are saying that this is not how it would go long term I believe you, thank you for a little bit more clarity on this.

[Wiseman2]

This is the best course of action for you.

I decided to lay off a little

[reinventmyself]

Thank you for this !! This is what I was struggling with! I couldn't decide if it was better for me having been through a toxic relationship with an abusive ex like she has would be good common ground to start something on and to be there for her to vent to me so that she feels comfortable coming to me.

 

oh no!

Common interest or commonalities -> golfing, sushi, scary movies

Not commeriserating over traumatic and toxic relationship endings.

 

You got this. . .

Just be careful that you don't find yourself attracted to something familiar. If you've both been in challenging relationships, it's definitely something to take note of. It's takes two people to participate. This could very well the thing is attractive to you.

[MissCanuck]

I couldn't decide if it was better for me having been through a toxic relationship with an abusive ex like she has would be good common ground to start something on and to be there for her to vent to me so that she feels comfortable coming to me.

 

No, it's not good common ground on which to build a relationship.

 

She needs to heal and vent to her friends, family or a counselor. Not a guy whom she might someday date. That does nothing but set a toxic backdrop to your interactions and it's not a healthy way to go. You should never try to position yourself as the sounding board for a crush going through a break-up. All that does is make you an easy stepping stone to pass over once they feel well enough to date again. You want to be the person they meet at the end of the healing journey, not a conduit to help them get to the end - only to be "relieved" from your duties once they arrive.