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How Do I Know If He's Trying To Use Me For Sex Or Wants A Relationship?


coolbeans100

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I've been on 4 dates with this guy. The first time we only talked then after the date, he messaged me saying how he wanted to kiss me so badly so on the 2nd date he asked if he could kiss me and we did. Throughout the entire time he would keep asking if I was ok. He'd hold my hand, kiss my forehead, cheek and asked if I was ok with tongue. He groped my butt and I told him to not touch me there so he said ok. Later, he groped my boob and I shove his hand away, but eventually he tries to reach into my bra to pinch my boob. I flung his hand off. We talked for the first half hour of the 2nd date then basically made out for around 2-3 hrs. I think I was just in shock and just let him continue kissing me cuz I didn't know what to do. It was also my first kiss so I was surprised he even tried to touch me. I asked him b4 if he usually moves this fast and he said no not even close and that he's even surprised at himself. He told me if it's too fast to let him know cuz he doesn't wanna make me feel uncomfortable. Ik in his previous relationships he never asked will u be my gf or will u go out w me so I asked how he knew he was in a relationship and he said it was cuz they kissed and held hands.

 

I asked him what his intentions were after the 2nd date and he said he wanted to continue going on dates. Then after the 2nd date I asked if we could hold off on making out sm and get to know each other better first. He said ofc and the 3rd date was nice cuz we talked the whole time and only kissed for a few mins at the end. The 4th date, we got to know a lot more about each other cuz I wanted to ask some deeper questions. He would give shallow answers though, but he prob doesn't like talking about his feelings. I asked what some of his struggles were, but he just mentioned everything related to school so I asked how about emotionally/mentally and he just said him being indecisive. I know his family life isn't the greatest, but didn't want to ask too much about it yet.

 

Also, I noticed he never really does any cute things that you'd do if you liked someone (small things such as holding the car door open, surprising u w food, putting a jacket on u, etc.) He's also never complimented me b4 or called me pretty. When I shared about my insecurities and about feeling ugly he said ur not and then after a bit he said I think you're super cute. That was on the 4th date and that was the first time I heard a compliment from him. On this date, we were making out and he started touching my thigh and then rubbing me down there. He also tried grabbing my boob and rubbing/kissing my nipple and I started crying cuz I didn't want to be touched. He also started rubbing his d\* against me down there cuz he was hard. When I started crying he kept saying sorry, held me in his arms and asked if I wanted to be sent home. He said he got too carried away. Then I decided to ask him what the diff is between dating and a relationship since I wanted to know his intentions and he wasn't saying much, but I kept asking then he said I don't think we've known each other long enough to be considered dating (which I think is valid, but idk if he just sees me as something to try to conquer over since he knows I don't want fwb and I don't want to have sex b4 marriage.) After I stopped crying we continued kissing again, but he some of these kisses were so aggressive. I would be like ouch and then he laughed it off and said oops was that too hard and said can you tell how much I want you? The more I kiss you the more I want you. I want you so bad. I asked him if he was seeing other pple and he said no he doesn't think he'd want to do this w more than one person and he asked if I was and I said no then he said good. He also told me b4 how he stopped fwb and that I don't have to worry. I'm confused because we message everyday and if he just wanted sex he prob wouldn't put in that much effort? Unless he's just tryna be nice to me to get me to have sex w him. He also constantly asks if I'm ok when we make out too. He knows I come from a Christian family too and he would genuinely ask me a bunch of questions about it on almost all the dates. I asked him if he was open to going to church too and he said yeah. I don't know if he's just trying to see how far he can push it w me because when we make out he asks is this a sin or I kinda let him push the boundaries then tell him no. But after this last date, I had enough and was like can we set some boundaries and he said sure and I told him no touching for now on and he agreed to that.

 

 

Yesterday he asked how my day was so I asked if we could call, but he was on a call gaming w his friends. I asked him if he could lmk when we could call and he said sure, but he replied to my messages a few hrs later and never said we could call if ur still up. Then today I rbombed him and later he asked how my day was. I asked to call, but I was busy at the time so he told me just lmk when ur done then we can call. So after an hour I told him we can, but he didn’t reply till an hour later and said he sorry I was playing league. Let me just finish these games. Then said he his friends won’t let him leave. I said can’t u just leave after a game or a few and he said no his friends won’t let him. Then I asked if he could let me know when we could call another time. He said sounds good and that he didn’t want me to wait for him. He calls and games w his friends every night around 10-3am. He should be able to make some time for me. If he continues to keep seeing me and even tho we’ve only been on 4 dates and we don’t like each other yet, but r both — I’m assuming — r interested then shouldn’t he put in a bit more effort? Sometimes it seems like he cares and other times I know I’m not a priority, but what does he want? I don’t know what his intentions r or if he’s just seeing if this will go somewhere.

 

Sorry this is really long, but my mind is all over the place rn and any advice would be really really appreciated! :3 Thanks!!

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I honestly think this guy is not for you. If he wanted a relationship he'd be clearer on that. If it's too soon and you still need to date and get to know each other then he wouldn't be so aggressive physically. I'm genuinely worried that if you were to hang out with him again that he would continue to try and push his limits. He's already overstepped your boundaries. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything you're not comfortable. I know it's hard and conflicting in the moment but you have to understand that a man that truly respects you won't put you in this position because he will listen the first time you move his hand away or tell him you don't like something he will not keep trying. I also think he is pulling away and trying not to hurt you but he's not calling or available because he doesn't seem to be interested now that he was so persistent on being physical but knows how you feel.

 

I think you shouldn't settle for anyone who doesn't respect you physically/emotionally. I think you'd be better off with someone else. Find someone that's willing to take the time to really get to know you first! Take whatever time you need. Anything physical should be agreed on and natural on whatever time that works best for both of you and establish boundaries ahead of time. If a relationship is what you're looking for be clear with the next person about what you want. It's perfectly fine to date a while before determining the relationship status but don't let a guy take advantage and push you to be physical. That's a huge red flag! Be careful!!!

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It sounds like he's looking to have sex, and as quickly as possible.

 

After I stopped crying we continued kissing again

 

If you're crying on the 4th date, it's time to call it a day. That's a very bad sign.

 

Learn the difference between romance and someone seeking sex. Romance, wants to hear all about you, does thoughtful things for you, such as leaving sweet messages. Makes you feel like he's interested in you. Wants to hold hands, open car doors for you, spend time with you (not being physical) but just being with you, whether that's watching a movie. going for a walk, just being in your presence.

 

Someone seeking sex, doesn't ask much about you, gives you quick answers, like they're annoyed and don't want a long, in depth conversation about anything. Doesn[t make you feel special, rushes physical things like kissing, touching. Is more interested in physical than anything else. Does't take the time to make any kind of special efforts for you.

 

The guy you're talking about is the second kind of guy. He wants sex, not a romance.

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Not only is he looking only for sex but he is

assaulting you. He is touching you everywhere and tries again after you pushes him.away and even cried twice!

 

Why would you want to be with someone so disrespectful? You should never accept unconfortable situations because you " didn't know what to do". Don't be so eager to be someone girlfriend when he hasn't even proven to you that he is valuable.

 

Dating is , as you say , to get to know someone . And you should take all the time You need before You decide if YOU would like him as a boyfriend. Then, if he feels the same, it's a match.

 

Never be afraid to assert yourself.

 

You deserve to be respected and care for.

 

This guy will not change into a caring gentleman.

 

IF you want a romantic, great guy, you'll have to get rid of this frog first.

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No way would I see this guy again.

 

No means no means no. It should not go so far as to bring you to tears - that is your cue that this guy is too aggressive and does not really care how you feel or where you comfort level is. He wants to have sex, full stop.

 

I'm sorry, OP. This person is not a good guy.

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If you don't want to have sex b4 marriage this guy is not for you. He has already overstepped your boundaries and it's only the 4rth date. There is no way this guy would wait for sex until you are married. What has you so confused is that his actions and words don't match. He keeps asking you whether you are ok, says the "right" things and then he keeps doing sexual things that he knows you are not ok with i.e. the opposite. Whenever you meet a guy that does that you should run the other way. Yes, he is trying to use you for sex and he is telling you all that you want to hear while proceeding with escalating his sex agenda. He is taking advantage of your inexperience. The truth is in his actions. If you were to mute his words, it is blatantly clear that he is someone who does not respect your feelings and boundaries regarding sex. Rule of thumb to remember: whenever the words and actions of a man don't match in a romantic relationship, it's usually the worst case scenario.

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Since this happened the second time you met him why did you meet him a third and fourth time?

“ He groped my butt and I told him to not touch me there so he said ok. Later, he groped my boob and I shove his hand away, but eventually he tries to reach into my bra to pinch my boob”

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What is your age? Look I think even the fact that you want to wait for marriage to have sex and this guy very clearly DOESN'T, means he is completely wrong for you. You have been very clear after the second date that you want to take it slow and get to know each other. He began touching you sexually on the second date already. And you were giving him clear signs that you're not into it, as well as you actually told him. He definitely just wants sex and he's quite aggressive about it. "I just got carried away". He's not an animal trying to hump! He should be able to control himself!

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I honestly think this guy is not for you. If he wanted a relationship he'd be clearer on that. If it's too soon and you still need to date and get to know each other then he wouldn't be so aggressive physically. I'm genuinely worried that if you were to hang out with him again that he would continue to try and push his limits. He's already overstepped your boundaries. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything you're not comfortable. I know it's hard and conflicting in the moment but you have to understand that a man that truly respects you won't put you in this position because he will listen the first time you move his hand away or tell him you don't like something he will not keep trying. I also think he is pulling away and trying not to hurt you but he's not calling or available because he doesn't seem to be interested now that he was so persistent on being physical but knows how you feel.

 

I think you shouldn't settle for anyone who doesn't respect you physically/emotionally. I think you'd be better off with someone else. Find someone that's willing to take the time to really get to know you first! Take whatever time you need. Anything physical should be agreed on and natural on whatever time that works best for both of you and establish boundaries ahead of time. If a relationship is what you're looking for be clear with the next person about what you want. It's perfectly fine to date a while before determining the relationship status but don't let a guy take advantage and push you to be physical. That's a huge red flag! Be careful!!!

 

 

Thanks for your concern

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It sounds like he's looking to have sex, and as quickly as possible.

 

 

 

If you're crying on the 4th date, it's time to call it a day. That's a very bad sign.

 

Learn the difference between romance and someone seeking sex. Romance, wants to hear all about you, does thoughtful things for you, such as leaving sweet messages. Makes you feel like he's interested in you. Wants to hold hands, open car doors for you, spend time with you (not being physical) but just being with you, whether that's watching a movie. going for a walk, just being in your presence.

 

Someone seeking sex, doesn't ask much about you, gives you quick answers, like they're annoyed and don't want a long, in depth conversation about anything. Doesn[t make you feel special, rushes physical things like kissing, touching. Is more interested in physical than anything else. Does't take the time to make any kind of special efforts for you.

 

The guy you're talking about is the second kind of guy. He wants sex, not a romance.

 

Trueee :/ I think I just kept disregarding the red flags and giving him the benefit of the doubt which I've reached my limit. Thanks for your advice!

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Please do not do text speak on this site.

 

This guy sounds like he is only looking for sex. I think you should move on.

 

How old are you?

 

Sorry about that. Thanks for letting me know. Yeah I'm going to end things with him. I'm 18 and he's 20.

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Not only is he looking only for sex but he is

assaulting you. He is touching you everywhere and tries again after you pushes him.away and even cried twice!

 

Why would you want to be with someone so disrespectful? You should never accept unconfortable situations because you " didn't know what to do". Don't be so eager to be someone girlfriend when he hasn't even proven to you that he is valuable.

 

Dating is , as you say , to get to know someone . And you should take all the time You need before You decide if YOU would like him as a boyfriend. Then, if he feels the same, it's a match.

 

Never be afraid to assert yourself.

 

You deserve to be respected and care for.

 

This guy will not change into a caring gentleman.

 

IF you want a romantic, great guy, you'll have to get rid of this frog first.

 

Thank you

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Since this happened the second time you met him why did you meet him a third and fourth time?

“ He groped my butt and I told him to not touch me there so he said ok. Later, he groped my boob and I shove his hand away, but eventually he tries to reach into my bra to pinch my boob”

 

I decided to meet him the 3rd time to see if he'd respect my boundaries and he did. He didn't do anything to me so I thought the 4th time would be okay.

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What is your age? Look I think even the fact that you want to wait for marriage to have sex and this guy very clearly DOESN'T, means he is completely wrong for you. You have been very clear after the second date that you want to take it slow and get to know each other. He began touching you sexually on the second date already. And you were giving him clear signs that you're not into it, as well as you actually told him. He definitely just wants sex and he's quite aggressive about it. "I just got carried away". He's not an animal trying to hump! He should be able to control himself!

 

I'm 18. He's 20. Ahh that's true! He can control himself, but probably doesn't want to and tries to see how far he can take it which is not an excuse.

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When a guy shows you who he is, believe him the first time. That's really the lesson here to take forward. So many guys out there, you really have no reason to deal with Mr. Tentacle Hands.

 

The other one is when his talk and his actions don't match, just run for the hills. Look for guys whose words and actions match. Don't ever try to make excuses or justify or rationalize bad behavior because if you do that, you'll end up in really bad relationships you regret.

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Exactly. Live and learn. The best part is you can write him off (no do not lecture or fix him...just block/delete) and move on to respectful guys.

I'm 18. He's 20.He can control himself, but probably doesn't want to and tries to see how far he can take it which is not an excuse.
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I'm 18. He's 20. Ahh that's true! He can control himself, but probably doesn't want to and tries to see how far he can take it which is not an excuse.

 

The bottom line is that he does not respect you and only wants sex. When someone does not respect your wishes, you need to walk, not excuse.

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He is only looking to get laid. Sorry but he's the worst of the worst. Pushing to put his hands all over you is disrespectful. He's not wanting to get to know you as a person either. How degrading!

 

The next time he sends a text say this: Your message could not be delivered as ... the recipient has moved on".

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