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OP. You were helped to see what you claim you couldn't see.

 

"I am looking for CLARITY. Points of view that could help me see what I am not being able to because I am always trying to put the good in people before everything."

 

And trust me, when you see "evil" it sure doesn't mess with your judgement; on the contrary it concentrates the mind very sharply.

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Melonella,

If you are still there, now would be the time to completly cut your ex from your life. Block and delete him from all social media.

That's another action you need to take.

 

Letting him reaching out to you even if you reject him is keeping you in that state of "confusion".

 

Next time you meet a guy who "has problems with your independance" and wants "control" over you, you get rid of him Right away.

 

Keep in mind that " empath" is often a code for " very codependant people " who put the needs of other before their own because they feel lost in their life without that person. They suppress their own instinct and beliefs and stay in abusive relationship because they fear abandonment.

 

Work hard on that aspect in therapy.

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Your post was in fact a difficult read.

 

Where I would try to direct my attention and feelings is completely away from this man. From what you described this man is a complete monster. Manipulative and conniving to test boundaries over and over, finding the breach and then crocodile tears to keep access to your daughter. Make no mistake, predators know what they do, how they do it and who they can prey on.

 

It was a mistake to allow a grown man to be so close to a child that is not his own...

 

It was another mistake to put your daughter in a situation where she had to be strong enough to seek another adult in order to seek protection from a man you brought into the home.

 

Where I think you are continuing to make mistakes, is to continue to down play your daughter in this situation.

 

Yes. you feel guilt and shame. But youre thinking of the POS child abuser's side?

 

I cannot express this enough... your daughter is where your concern, ALL OF YOUR CONCERN should be.

 

This experience is with her for the rest of her life. And as she gets older, her thoughts will go back to, "my mom was kinda there for me. She made me face the guy, accept an apology from the guy and he was still around. I felt very afraid. I had to go to the school counselor"

 

There will be anger associated with this towards you, him and herself....

 

Make no doubt about it, your boyfriend was testing the waters... he did something he could explain away to you... but your daughter was there... she knows what he was doing and what was happening. You may think you "believed" her but you're handling of it, was what was best for you, not her

 

I hope you go to conseling with her and give her the opportunity to express how she feels about you, specifically, your role, & your handling of this.

 

She deserves to be seen, heard, and apologized to. You are the parent. She is the child. She deserves better and you need to be open to finding out what she needs now to heal and not carry this alone.

 

And I hope youre posting here is a cautionary tale to others. We must protect our children better. As the parent, we must put their welfare first. If youre dating, living with, working with, married to, exposing them to someone that makes them uncomfortable, you must keep them away from your kid. There is just too much at stake.

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Melonella,

If you are still there, now would be the time to completly cut your ex from your life. Block and delete him from all social media.

That's another action you need to take.

 

Letting him reaching out to you even if you reject him is keeping you in that state of "confusion".

 

Next time you meet a guy who "has problems with your independance" and wants "control" over you, you get rid of him Right away.

 

Keep in mind that " empath" is often a code for " very codependant people " who put the needs of other before their own because they feel lost in their life without that person. They suppress their own instinct and beliefs and stay in abusive relationship because they fear abandonment.

 

Work hard on that aspect in therapy.

Absolutely!
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"It was hard to end things immediately because I was very confused, trying to make sense of things." You were trying to make sense of someone molesting your kid? I m surprised they did not remove her from your care, and you were/are still in contact with his guy. Incredible.

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I must say, your ex's behaviour towards your daughter was dodgy from the start. He's not her real father and he was trying to control every aspect of her life and be super close to her in an unhealthy kind of way. Even before you wrote about the molestation, I thought: "That's weird he's carrying an ELEVEN year old to your bed, she's too old for that". Especially after you already told him to stop doing it, and he continued to do it. Very strange, don't you think?

 

Actually I used to excuse a lot of bad behaviour on the fact that the person has mental illness, because I'm a mental health and disability worker. But I realised that every person who has mental illness is a different individual and they have a personality just like anybody. Also it depends on what the mental illness actually is. And no mental illness has paedophilia and molestation as a symptom.

 

How is your ex still contacting you? I don't understand why you haven't blocked him on everything? I understand you made a mistake but why do you keep engaging with him?

 

I guarantee your ex touched your daughter deliberately and your daughter knew this, which is why she went to her school counsellor. Because she felt like something really didn't add up. Please get rid of this guy for good!

Edited by Tinydance
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Yes, Cannelle.

 

Now we're talking.

 

"Keep in mind that " empath" is often a code for " very codependant people " who put the needs of other before their own because they feel lost in their life without that person. They suppress their own instinct and beliefs and stay in abusive relationship because they fear abandonment."

 

 

I fear that OP doesn't wish to hear.

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You should take some time apart and take the kid to a social worker or psych. to eveluate the situation. This might be more dangerous than it seems. I know it is heartbreaking and tough but please take the kid to a doctor. I suggest you leave for sometime to a safe place until what is really happening can be clear.

And please dont attack her in the comments. The relationship is clearly abusive, she needs love and suport not being told she is a bad mother.

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Agree. As obviously inappropriate and incredible as it seems you let this pedophile hang out in bed alone with your daughter, to hang onto a man. Perhaps the next person who has their head in the sand like this will not wait for CPS to show up but will rightfully have the creep arrested. Right now she is a confused and frightened child, but she may grow up to detest you for allowing some bf to use her.

I hope it helps others in the same situation of denial and disbelief. Hope it can open some eyes.
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As obviously inappropriate and incredible as it seems you let this pedophile hang out in bed alone with your daughter, to hang onto a man. Perhaps the next person who has their head in the sand like this will not wait for CPS to show up but will rightfully have the creep arrested. Right now she is a confused and frightened child, but she may grow up to detest you for allowing some bf to use her.

 

Amen to that Wiseman. In a nutshell.

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Agree. As obviously inappropriate and incredible as it seems you let this pedophile hang out in bed alone with your daughter, to hang onto a man. Perhaps the next person who has their head in the sand like this will not wait for CPS to show up but will rightfully have the creep arrested. Right now she is a confused and frightened child, but she may grow up to detest you for allowing some bf to use her.

Absolutely 100%. I know I was mad at my mom for a very long time and sometimes now even occasionally for some of the really massively stupid decision she made and going back to my incredibly ill mentally ill abusive father over and over and over and leaving my brother and I with him while she went off to work in other provinces. And it was because of one of her errors in judgement and sending us on a holiday with our dad that I ended up being a victim of violent sexual abuse. She’s so badly wanted to believe in him that we were sacrificed.

 

When I see this in other people I become so angry . I see one more child going down the dark pit of depression, anxiety and hell.

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You should take some time apart and take the kid to a social worker or psych. to eveluate the situation. This might be more dangerous than it seems. I know it is heartbreaking and tough but please take the kid to a doctor. I suggest you leave for sometime to a safe place until what is really happening can be clear.

And please dont attack her in the comments. The relationship is clearly abusive, she needs love and suport not being told she is a bad mother.

 

Really! She is still in contact and feeling sorry for someone that molested her child.

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Absolutely 100%. I know I was mad at my mom for a very long time and sometimes now even occasionally for some of the really massively stupid decision she made and going back to my incredibly ill mentally ill abusive father over and over and over and leaving my brother and I with him while she went off to work in other provinces. And it was because of one of her errors in judgement and sending us on a holiday with our dad that I ended up being a victim of violent sexual abuse. She’s so badly wanted to believe in him that we were sacrificed.

 

When I see this in other people I become so angry . I see one more child going down the dark pit of depression, anxiety and hell.

 

I am so sorry. That is horrific.

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Agree. As obviously inappropriate and incredible as it seems you let this pedophile hang out in bed alone with your daughter, to hang onto a man. Perhaps the next person who has their head in the sand like this will not wait for CPS to show up but will rightfully have the creep arrested. Right now she is a confused and frightened child, but she may grow up to detest you for allowing some bf to use her.

 

Yup..........

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I really hope that you are still reading or will come around at some point and read it.

 

This man was a walking flashing neon red flag the size of China long before child molestation came up. Being an untreated, emphasis added on untreated, bipolar was your first clue to run for the hills. Bipolar people are not child molesters, that's a whole other level of effed up, however, the mood swings, impulsiveness, drama, the abusiveness that often accompanies this disorder....that right there makes him an unfit partner. If you were just a single woman, you can take your chances, think you are strong enough to handle that, etc. However, as a parent you have bigger responsibilities, starting with not exposing your child to that kind mental instability. Even those who are on treatment can be a nightmare as a partner.

 

There are a myriad of other red flags as well. The moment he started to get controlling, abusive toward you, you should have left him.

 

Your response is "I'm an empath". Empath is nothing but a buzzword, an excuse for you not seeking treatment for your personal issues, trauma, codependence, and so on. You are surprised that you picked another toxic partner, but what have you done to fix yourself and your picker? If you just run away and hide from well earned criticism, brush off your bad choices with buzzwords, it's only a matter of time before you make yet another bad decision about men and relationships.

 

Quite frankly, you are messed up on a level that you owe it to your daughter to stay completely single until she is grown and out of your house, like not even a casual date. I really hope you spend some very serious time in high quality counseling fixing your issues because that's what's landed you where you are today - your own child molested while you are still confused and in denial on some level. Denial doesn't fix things or change reality and neither do soft words. Roll up your sleeves and start working on yourself - first by completely blocking the psychopath you saw fit to date and even agree to marry and then finding that good team of psychiatrists, therapists, group counseling and whatever else can possibly help you get your head screwed on straight.

 

Your own daughter went to an adult in school to seek help because she, at 11 years old, has enough life experience and maturity to realize that you are way too messed up to protect her properly. If that's not a cold bucket of water over your head to get your own self straightened out, I don't know what is or what has to happen for you to wake up.

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I am so sorry. That is horrific.

 

I love my mom to pieces and I know she never did anything out of any malice or meanness. Part of it was the social climate of the day and the fact that she was raised you stay married forever and ever and ever and ever no matter what. And my father was the love of her life . And years ago there was often no help for women. So I can totally see how it happened. It was a totally different social atmosphere than today. Today there is all kinds of help for people who have been abused people who are being abused women you name it. Abuse is talked about all over the place. When I was being abused that was never talked about when my mother was abused as a child that was never talked about. And my mom certainly never received any help because her parents never believed her.

 

And I know my mom totally suffered and still suffers today at what happened to me and has admitted her fault to me. She completely admitted it was her fault and trusting in my father. And she has had nothing to do with him for about 30 years. And my parents took my sexual abuser to court and called the police. My father even chased his brother with an axe with the intent to kill him. My parents have never once given a crap not even my father gave a crap about his brother’s feelings and for that I am thankful. Just don’t understand how anybody could even consider somebody’s feelings after they sexually abuse their child.

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I love my mom to pieces and I know she never did anything out of any malice or meanness. Part of it was the social climate of the day and the fact that she was raised you stay married forever and ever and ever and ever no matter what. And my father was the love of her life . And years ago there was often no help for women. So I can totally see how it happened. It was a totally different social atmosphere than today. Today there is all kinds of help for people who have been abused people who are being abused women you name it. Abuse is talked about all over the place. When I was being abused that was never talked about when my mother was abused as a child that was never talked about. And my mom certainly never received any help because her parents never believed her.

 

And I know my mom totally suffered and still suffers today at what happened to me and has admitted her fault to me. She completely admitted it was her fault and trusting in my father. And she has had nothing to do with him for about 30 years. And my parents took my sexual abuser to court and called the police. My father even chased his brother with an axe with the intent to kill him. My parents have never once given a crap not even my father gave a crap about his brother’s feelings and for that I am thankful. Just don’t understand how anybody could even consider somebody’s feelings after they sexually abuse their child.

 

I understand the time and how your mother felt trapped. I am glad that she has acknowledge her part in this situation. I still feel for what you had to experience.

 

What happened to the abuser?

 

it is mind boggling that this woman has any compassion for this monster, and is still in contact. i will go as far to say that the child should be removed from her care.

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You need to go to the police . Sexual contact with a child is a crime. Get a restraining order. Stop convincing yourself that he is the victim. He is a predator. Get therapy for her. Try not to petend he's not a pedophile. Stop protecting him. Go to the police.

I second this post. He needs to be reported so that there's a record. The sooner the better. Question is: Will you??

 

But he keeps getting in touch and trying to get closer.

 

WHY haven't you blocked him on ALL forms of contact? He should not be able to contact you ever again. Block him. Or change all your contact details.

Edited by Capricorn3
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What I'm flabbergasted about is #1, forcing the poor daughter to endure a "talk" with her molester where he was permitted to minimize and make excuses and #2, that he was allowed to continue to spend nights at their home AFTER molesting her. No wonder she reached out to someone at school.

 

OP, I know you're mad at us, but think about your poor daughter. She will forever remember that her mother, instead of swooping in and protecting her, chose to allow this pedo to continue to stay at her home overnight. I can tell you, she will remember that forever.

 

(written by someone who endured abuse in my own home as a child)

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