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My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. Although he is a loving, attentive and caring partner, he is also a bit controlling and had a few problems with my independence. In the last couple years our relationship was not going so great. But we still had many good moments that made everything worth it, and we were making efforts to adjust to each other’s needs, which was not so easy: I am the independent type, more career-oriented, while he is more romantic and focused on family and relationship. Also, he has bipolar disorder and refuses to treat it, letting it spill into our relationship in the form of anger and manipulative behavior. It has always been very confusing and hurtful and it got to a point that I didn’t know anymore if I wanted to spend my life with him, even though he was the most wonderful of men when he was in a “good day”. Also, I have always believed that I should be there for him no matter what and didn’t want him to see me as unsupportive or absent.

 

I have a 12 year-old daughter that he used to treat as his. She was 7 when we met, and since then he decided to assume a paternal role (that i never asked for, by the way - her bio dad is not at all absent and I never was the lonely, overworked single mom figure; I am actually very resourceful and self-sufficient). In the beginning I thought his caring treatment of her was very sweet. But after a while we started arguing because he thought he had to have “rights” over her - to have a say in her hours, schoolwork, food choices, etc. To an extent that he started questioning even what his bio dad does for her, from medical opinions to Christmas presents.

 

Whenever I disagreed with him, he played the outcast card - he said he didn’t feel wanted in my house or in my family dynamics. And that was not only in what concerned my kid, but in everything else. He never accepted the fact that I didn’t really need him to help care for my business or other things in my life - in his mind a relationship consists of two partners sharing all aspects of life and he used to get really resented when I didn’t want or need his inputs. He was always trying to push boundaries to get to a place where he could feel more in control. Thus, sometimes I would allow him to have his way so peace could be maintained and he wouldn’t feel “rejected”.

 

My girl used to trust him entirely and we had a lot of fun together. Sometimes she would ask to share the bed with us, especially when she felt sick. Then one day, when she was 11, he started to bring her to our bed on the weekend mornings himself. That started bothering me and I would ask him to leave her alone in her own bedroom. But he wouldn’t listen. I got afraid to offend him and make him feel bad and “unwanted” - he was a good person, right? I thought, “well, he just wants to feel like we are a family”, and ended up allowing it a few times.

 

Until the day my girl told me that he had touched her breasts while we were together in bed, and I was asleep.

 

My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe I was living one of the worst mother’s nightmares. I confronted him. He said he was absolutely not aware of what had happened. We discussed the issue and, considering he had bipolar disorder, and that he had acted the same with me before (sexual touching while asleep), I suggested that he could have an underlying condition. It was hard to believe he was “that” type of guy. We talked, the three of us. He apologized, she took his apologies; life resumed. But she never treated him the same, getting very upset every time he came to spend the weekends with us. And honestly, I could never feel comfortable again when he was around.

 

Then one day she told her school counselor. She was understandably not being able to get over the situation. And I got a call from Child Protection Services. A social worker visited my house, interviewed me, and talked to him on the phone. In the end the allegations of child neglect and abuse were deemed unfounded, but now I have to live with that stigma, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. I have been through so much to be with my child and raise her on my own, it was definitely unfair that allegations of neglect had fallen on me.

 

With the quarantine, I had to suddenly stop seeing my fiance, and it was a wonderful opportunity to be on my own to evaluate our relationship, as well as heal my relationship with my daughter. The truth is that we are much better off without him in our lives. I felt responsible for what happened, for not being strong enough to go against his whims. I am facing a lot of guilt, thinking about what I could have done so she didn’t have to go through that, if I had been firmer and didn’t have the habit to ignore my discomforts so others could feel comfortable.

 

But I also feel guilty for his feelings. He is miserable. He’s been writing to me and trying to get together, and rebuild our relationship. In our last chat I noticed that he is in a certain denial (or ignorance) of what it means for a woman, especially at my daughter’s age, to be inappropriately touched by a man. As much as I feel sorry for him, there’s no way I am going to put my child through having him involved with us again. Also, how to trust? How could I be sure that his behavior was triggered by a condition and not deliberate? I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I kept seeing the man that hurt my child. Unintentionally or not, the consequences of what he did are here and cannot be erased. He is expecting me to do something, and I know he is angry and feeling misunderstood. He probably thinks I don’t care.

 

I feel really terrible for the whole situation and would appreciate any inputs.

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Your child tells you she was molested and this person is still in your life and hers???? Really ?????????? As someone who was sexually abused by a family member this makes me sick. Thank Jesus my mom believed me and my father as well. Can’t read this anymore. You have failed to protect your daughter that IS neglect and abuse.

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@Seraphim, thank you for your reply, but you probably didn't get the nuances of the situation. I am suffering, and I am confused, this is why I posted this here - to try to clarify things with the help of compassionate people and not to be judged. No, he is not in our lives anymore, although he's been trying; and yes, I definitely believed my daughter. I was sexually abused in different situations, also by family members, with the acknowledgement of my mom who didn't do anything, so I DO know. Anyway, your post somehow helped me to feel stronger, and for that I am thankful.

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@Seraphim, thank you for your reply, but you probably didn't get the nuances of the situation. I am suffering, and I am confused, this is why I posted this here - to try to clarify things with the help of compassionate people and not to be judged. No, he is not in our lives anymore, although he's been trying; and yes, I definitely believed my daughter. I was sexually abused in different situations, also by family members, with the acknowledgement of my mom who didn't do anything, so I DO know. Anyway, your post somehow helped me to feel stronger, and for that I am thankful.

Believe me I AM compassionate you won’t find too many with a bigger heart but if you KNOW how it feels why did you still have him over and subject her to a “ talk” ??? I don’t get that , like at all. If someone had done this to my son they wouldn’t be living on this Earth. Protecting our children above anything is our job other people be damned.

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Having anything to do with him is a betrayal of your daughter and it doesn’t matter if he has a “ condition “. There should be ZERO ZERO reason he is bringing your daughter to bed with you guys and then fondling her. You are not his mom but hers. Right ?

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why did you still have him over and subject her to a “ talk” ??? I don’t get that , like at all.

 

It was after she told me what happened and I confronted him. Then he wanted to apologize to her, and we talked, the three of us, to acknowledge our feelings.

 

Maybe you are right, maybe I shouldn't have tried to be so thoughtful of his feelings as well, given his claims that he was not aware of what happened.

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It was after she told me what happened and I confronted him. Then he wanted to apologize to her, and we talked, the three of us, to acknowledge our feelings.

 

Maybe you are right, maybe I shouldn't have tried to be so thoughtful of his feelings as well, given his claims that he was not aware of what happened.

Putting a child in that kind of position is plain wrong. She doesn’t have to acknowledge HIS feelings. She is 11 he is a grown ass man who put his hands on her.

 

I think you need to see who is the real victim here and to hell with him and I hope your daughter is getting help. You need some as well because I think your own trauma has skewed what you see as appropriate.

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What were you thinking! You should have been done, right then and there! You are supposed to put your child's needs before your own.

 

How long did you continue to live with guy, after he molested her?

 

This guy had a boatload of issues that you should not have been exposing your daughter to, then you find out he fondles her.

 

Time to take a long break from dating, so you can reflect on your poor choices in men and what you are subjecting your child to. I also suggest some therapy.

 

Why haven't you blocked and deleted this guy? Show your child with action that you are going to protect her.

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You need to go to the police . Sexual contact with a child is a crime. Get a restraining order. Stop convincing yourself that he is the victim. He is a predator. Get therapy for her. Try not to petend he's not a pedophile. Stop protecting him. Go to the police.

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"But I also feel guilty for his feelings." Wow! This is a guy who molested your kid. Disturbing.

 

I wonder if she will trust you in the future. Get her some counseling.

Edited by Hollyj
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Wow, that was hard to read.

 

Your relationship with this man should have ended right after you realised that he had molested your daughter. (Because that is what he did and god knows how far he would have gone with times if she didn't tell you).

I know you are looking for compassion but in order for your daughter and you to heal from this experience, you have to understand where your response towards this situation was flawed:

 

YOu did good by confronting him and believing your daughter.

But you kept him in your life, even allowed him to spend the weekends. You even tried to find excuses for his behavior in your head by trying to find a link between his action and his bipolar disease. Bipolar people are NOT child molesters.

 

You also cannot be surprised or act like a victim when child protection services got involved: You were not firm enough in taking action to protect your daughter so she had to take matter in her own hands by confiding to a trusted adult.

 

Thing is, you talk more about how this man feels and how you are hurt by this situation than how your daughter feels. You also still refer him as "your fiance". Is he still?

 

You view yourself as a strong independent woman but you seems to have tolerated some abuse from him as well ( his controlling behaviors, mood swings, disrespecting your parenting decisions etc). It looks like you had a very co dependant relationship with this man.

 

Feeling guilty and beating yourself up will get you nowhere. You need to really have a look at your tendency to tolerate abuse and take action to fix it. You need to go into therapy to heal from your past and learn to be assertive in your relationships as well.

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OP, you really need to examine why you under-reacted to significantly so your child's molestation, and went so far as to blame his bi-polar disorder.

 

This was on him. I don't buy for a hot minute that he didn't know what he was doing. There was a reason he tried to invite her into your bed all the time. Your daughter told a school counselor because she evidently didn't think you were really hearing her or willing to face the gravity of the situation. You keeping him in her life was a serious mistake, and I very much hope you realize this. Is she receiving any sort of treatment now? She is likely going to need it, not only to work through her feelings about what he did to her, but also your response to it. I don't mean to pile on, but OP, you need to get your head out of the sand.

 

Cut all contact with him. If you find it to hard to do so for yourself, do it for your daughter. She deserves some peace in her life and she won't get it if you let this predator back into your world. You will also forever damage your relationship with her if you continue to let your guilt towards him control you.

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You are describing a crime .

 

Hopefully she will tell her real father or some trustworthy adult and this creep goes to jail.

 

It sounds like this little talk "the three of you" had was to silence her and protect him and yourself.

 

Hopefully her father will get full custody so she is protected. You may get supervised visitation.

 

Keep in mind she has decades to report this crime, even though you are covering his and your own butts now.

Edited by Wiseman2
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@Canelle, thank you so very much for your reply. It helped me start seeing things differently, and that what I was looking for. Because I suspect I have been in denial all this time.

 

But you kept him in your life, even allowed him to spend the weekends.

 

I know it was wrong. It was hard to end things immediately because I was very confused, trying to make sense of things. And a great part of my pain is not having had the nerve to simply dismiss him. I believed he was really not aware of what he did. It had been a long relationship, with plenty of good. There were many mixed feelings.

 

 

Thing is, you talk more about how this man feels and how you are hurt by this situation than how your daughter feels. You also still refer him as "your fiance". Is he still?

 

No, the relationship got finally over right before the quarantine started, in March. It all happened close to the end of the last year. My daughter and I have been through counseling. She's doing fine. CPS got involved earlier this year and after talking to me and him they found no evidence of abuse and closed the case. So he's been out of our lives pretty much for the whole year now. But he keeps getting in touch and trying to get closer. It makes me feel horrible.

 

 

You view yourself as a strong independent woman but you seems to have tolerated some abuse from him as well ( his controlling behaviors, mood swings, disrespecting your parenting decisions etc). It looks like you had a very co dependant relationship with this man.

 

Feeling guilty and beating yourself up will get you nowhere. You need to really have a look at your tendency to tolerate abuse and take action to fix it. You need to go into therapy to heal from your past and learn to be assertive in your relationships as well.

 

Thanks for pointing that out, because it is true. I do indeed have tolerated a lot of abuse, and have a hard time recognizing it. I am that type of person that even feels sorry for the abusers. My daughter's dad was verbally abusive and one of the reasons I wanted to leave my marriage was to protect her. Never could imagine that would follow me and I would fail.

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@MissCanuck, thank you so much. Yes, she's been going to counseling since before the abuse, to deal with social issues. I've been also going to counseling. We've been doing a lot better, although my guilt for not resolving the issue fast (and being in denial, I see that now) will need a lot of work. He's been out of our lives for a while now with no chance of return.

 

I really appreciate that you were not judgmental and didn't jump into conclusions without asking questions. Thank you.

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You seem to have a lot of certainties about the lives of people you don't know.

 

Do you think I would be here opening my heart about a mistake I made, asking for clarity from strangers - in a website that exists so people can find HELP - if I was trying to cover my butt? With what purpose?

 

The story I told here was told to the counselors and the authorities. They all know me and my daughter in person - the counselors for a while now, even before the abuse. They see the same thing happening over and over again in all types of families. They have done/are doing their job. Which is not what I am looking for in this site.

 

Calling a person a criminal without proof or without knowing who they really are, based on a summary of a story that has many nuances, is hasty and can cause more harm than good.

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Yes, that is the life of empaths. We are always lost in a sea of feelings, trying to understand people and not being unfair to no one.

Unfortunately, by doing that, I ended up hurting the person that mattered me the most.

But that is a lesson I learned the hard way.

 

Yes, she's been having counseling for a while now. Way before the abuse. She has issues socializing with people and I want her to overcome her challenges.

Also, she has a chronic condition that makes her get sick every month since she was 8 months old. Uncountable nights awake managing her fevers, sometimes trips to ERs.

There's no family around and I have to take care of everything myself, making sure she has food on the table, a ceiling over her head, a warm bed to sleep, nice clothes to wear. And good grades.

She doesn't even want to travel to his father's state to spend time with her family if I don't go with her.

That's how disturbing I am.

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Not looking for sympathy, my friend. I am looking for CLARITY. Points of view that could help me see what I am not being able to because I am always trying to put the good in people before everything.

 

Seeing evil in a person that brought many good things to your life for half a decade (and that you love so much) is a very difficult thing. It messes with your judgement.

 

And by doing that, I ended up contributing to hurt the person that matters most to me.

 

I don't know who called CPS on me, that information is confidential. What I know is that their agent was working closely with the counselors. She visited my house, we talked for a long time. I told her everything I knew at the best of my knowledge (remember, I didn't know about the abuse until my child decided to tell me, I didn't witness it; I described what I was told).

I have no idea what he told the agent.

 

Neglect and abuse were unfounded.

 

And I am not claiming to be a victim. But I cannot deny that I am struggling with my feelings.

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I really appreciate the time you all put in your replies. Even the harsher ones gave me what to think about.

Strangely enough, I feel better. Stronger, perhaps.

 

However, I am not going to come back here. Honestly, I am afraid of reading more responses. I thought this site would be more of a safe place but the truth is that some people can be really hurtful.

The fact I made a mistake doesn't make me unworthy of healing and I don't see how hurtful responses can help me in this process.

 

Unfortunately I can't delete the thread, so I hope it helps others in the same situation of denial and disbelief. Hope it can open some eyes.

 

Take care all.

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Melonella. This site IS a safe place, and in my view the posters, all of them, gave you excellent responses. What you are afraid of is reading the truth. I see nothing harsh in any of the responses.

 

It is a very bad idea to put the (perceived) good in everybody before everything. That is called seeing through rose-coloured glasses and is definitely not empathy. We need to train our minds to see people for who or what they are.

 

If you do continue on this forum believe me you will gain even more clarity.

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Well, the site is not named, etellmewhatIwanttohear. What you are getting is the truth , you made MASSIVE errors in judgement. I am an empath as well however, I know a child molester when I see one. I give that NO consideration compared to the child and especially not my child. I use being an empath to garner what people are REALLY about . My son didn’t even go to cub camp unless it was with his father. I may have been overly protective but I can guarantee you 100% nobody molested my child. I wanted above anything else to protect him from the things that happened to me.

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What was there to be "confused" about? Did you think your daughter was lying?

 

Bipolar doesn't make people be child molesters and it certainly doesn't cause amnesia.

 

How is this pedophile still able to contact you? By continuing contact you are showing your daughter that you and what you want are more important than her. And that you want him more than her.

 

Please stop all contact with him and continue intensive therapy.

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