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I’ve called time on it but can’t cope without


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You girls that have got back with boyfriends after a break or breakup. Was it always the plan? Or did you move on after the breakup?

 

Me and my man have just had 4 weeks apart and we’re both constantly still arguing over who’s in the wrong still and no further forward to fixing things. So we finished it last night. Because we’re making ourselves ill being in this inbetween... The problems weren’t even between us though. it was family stuff, my mums really poorly and he got jealous of how much time I need to spend with her helping her each day, I can’t change that... he wants to move out all of a sudden instead of build something on our land which was always the plan, I have 3 Jobs and look after my mum from here so it would be insanity for me to move out to rent when this was never ever the plan and I’d always be back at the house anyway for work and my mum... so we’d hardly see each other... he just flung it on me 4 weeks ago when he exploded at everyone in the house so bad and nasty he had to leave, and he’s got too much hatred towards my family that he could never move back and we can’t afford to build at the minute. We were a year away from it if that! He didn’t want to rent his own place and see me a few nights a week coz his mates have told him it’s a part time relationship and I should be putting him first, but I physically can’t put him first at the minute if his idea of putting him first is to put him in front of my incurably sick mum and I thought he understood 😭 he’d rather me make her get a carer so I can put him first which I can’t wrap my head around because she only needs an hour each side of the day helping get washed and dressed etc, not like it’s taking over our lives. But if we moved away I’d be back every morning to help her then for work during the day go back to our new place and be back to the house each night to help her get to bed it’s just a ridiculous scenario to throw on someone with no warning I’d be like a yo-yo going through enough stress as it is at the minute anyway and then with all the back and forwardsing I’d hardly see him at all anyway

 

so it’s been a month of full on heartbreak I’ve had to call time on it. Plus I don’t think lockdown has helped with any of this because the last 3 months we were together we were both off work 24/7 so I’ve got in my head if seeing me all day every day still wasn’t enough then what would be I couldn’t of give him more than I did, and them 3 months being off work furloughed should of been his happiest I know I was happy having all that extra time with him 🥺

 

I won’t be even looking at anyone else so I hope he’s the same, and I tell myself if in a few months he’s still single and he loved me the way he says he does we can try again 🤞if he’s not single I never meant that much to him, and if he cuts ties with me then so be it.

 

But I don’t want to tell him I wanna try again in the future it’s just this like delusional thing I’m clinging onto that one day I’ll get that back because between the 2 of us there wasn’t anything wrong we thought we’d be together forever and life has just made that impossible at the minute. 💔💔💔💔💔 and I keep being told if it’s meant to be it will be again but it doesn’t feel like it.

 

Has anyone been in anything even slightly similar??

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2.5 years and lived together since pretty much day 1 he moved in with me and my family as he was always there anyway and it made sense to save money to build the house on the land... neither of us were in a rush so we weren’t even really trying to move out any time soon as everyone was happy. Till my mum woke up paralysed in September- things got bad but she’s so much better now but still needs some help... This is why I can’t get over the shock of how sudden his mind changed. X

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Yes he blew up at everyone and got really quite nasty. I told him to leave to cool off and give everyone space but a month later he’s still not apologised to anyone other than me and doesn’t see that he’s in the wrong, just keeps telling me the problem is where we live and that he doesn’t get enough of my time, and if I didn’t live there I wouldn’t be able to help when needed and his evenings wouldn’t be interrupted for half hour each night by me having to put her pyjamas on... even writing this makes me wonder why I’m so all over the place, that’s a really childish and selfish thing to be bothered about isn’t it...

 

When I say he blew up at everyone, he basically attacked my parents (they’ve treat him as a son) out of nowhere and tried to make them feel like crap for needing help on the land (which is one of my jobs anyway always has been) and for my mum needing help getting washed and dressed each day, making my mum feel guilty for being sick and needing support.

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First date, snowstorm, his car broke down on the drive when he dropped me home, so I let him stay over, then we were stuck in the storm roads were closed nobody in or out of town for a week, lucky we liked each other!!! we fell in love... after that he / we decided there was no point in him renting a room at his mates house when he was always at mine anyway so the rent money could be put into savings for the future instead

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What is wrong with your mother? Are you an only child?

 

How much time does he want to spend with you? Does he have any friends or social life outside of you? Does he help you at your parent's home?

 

He sounds incredibly selfish! Why would you consider a lifetime with someone like this?

Edited by Hollyj
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He showed you how he behaves when the going gets rough. He takes a childish tantrum and has no empathy. He's all about me, myself and I. And then when you had plenty of time for him, he's still a black hole of neediness and was not satisfied with what he thought he'd wanted.

 

Doesn't sound like the ideal lifetime partner to me.

 

You're just used to him being around. It's a huge change in your life, but you'll get used to life without him in time. It takes no contact and probably a minimum of 4 months to begin to get to the healing part after the mourning stage.

 

You're a caring person, and your Mom is lucky to be able to count on her in her time of need. You deserve someone who will also support you in your time of need. It's not him. Free yourself to one day find someone worthy of you.

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He showed you how he behaves when the going gets rough. He takes a childish tantrum and has no empathy. He's all about me, myself and I. And then when you had plenty of time for him, he's still a black hole of neediness and was not satisfied with what he thought he'd wanted.

 

Doesn't sound like the ideal lifetime partner to me.

 

You're just used to him being around. It's a huge change in your life, but you'll get used to life without him in time. It takes no contact and probably a minimum of 4 months to begin to get to the healing part after the mourning stage.

 

You're a caring person, and your Mom is lucky to be able to count on her in her time of need. You deserve someone who will also support you in your time of need. It's not him. Free yourself to one day find someone worthy of you.

 

^This. In hard times is when you see a person's true colors. This guy is all about himself, selfish, self centered and being hateful toward your family. No way is this what a lifetime partner looks like.

 

Getting used to not having him around sucking whatever life and energy you have left in you will take some time and getting used to, but you will be fine. Please don't take get back with him and actually do cut all contact with him. You might just find a whole lot of peace and clarity in silence.

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When he left he took his "savings" (that he was not paying rent in lieu of) with him? So basically you took in a parasitic drifter. Be glad he's gone.

First date, snowstorm, his car broke down on the drive when he dropped me home, so I let him stay over, then we were stuck in the storm roads were closed nobody in or out of town for a week, lucky we liked each other!!! we fell in love... after that he / we decided there was no point in him renting a room at his mates house when he was always at mine anyway so the rent money could be put into savings for the future instead
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Is there drinking and alcohol or substance abuse involved?

 

I'm not sure where the explosions are coming from. You've mentioned that he exploded. Does he have a history of explosive anger?

 

Like the others caution, please be wary and cautious about traits like these. It'll be a lifetime of emotional and verbal abuse.

 

Check whether there is substance abuse also or drinking.

 

He appears insecure with his place in the family.

 

I think both of you have grown apart also.

 

He's moved out now so let things be. Hatred, explosive anger, resentment, contempt, verbal abuse are all dangerous and negative traits. Something is eating up at him and it is outside of your power to control. Take care of yourself first.

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Why on earth would you want this man back?

 

He:

1.) Has zero compassion for your mother.

 

2.) Forces you to choose between him and her when she's clearly very unwell. That is incredibly selfish of him.

 

3.) Starts putting you down, your family down, even your house down. (your mom is already sick and this is what he does?!! Criticizes and makes your life more difficult than it already is!!).

 

4.) Walks out on you when you need him the most.

 

Seriously, please open your eyes. This man does not love you, is not someone you can count on. Treats you very, very badly. Is generally a cold hearted, unkind person who cares only about himself.

You dodged a bullet. You are so much better off without him. You might not be able to see it right now, but please stay away from him. He's doing you a favour by clearing a path so a better man can eventually come along.

 

Allow yourself better. Don't put up with someone who is this bad to you and fool yourself that he's anything great just because you're lonely.

 

I tell myself if in a few months he’s still single and he loved me the way he says he does we can try again

 

He already walked out on you when you needed him the most. He's proven he does not love you.

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Thanks for all the responses I’ll reply to you all to make it easier

 

Hollyj - it’s a really rare condition the doctors cannot fix it they can only pause it while meds work and it will get worse one day, her spines destroyed and technically she shouldn’t be able to move from the arms down but she’s beat all odds and got a lot of movement back, she can do most things just struggles bending down to get washed dressed and put shoes on...

No my brother is here but can’t help with personal stuff as that would be uncomfortable for them both, my sister is abroad and my dad has his own struggles too

we spend all our spare time together but usually that’s only evenings and one day a week on our days off, the last 3 months it’s been 24/7 he’s not got to see friends or family or anything as with the lockdown obvious reasons... he usually helps a lot round the house and the land doing odd jobs he used to enjoy it but lately it’s been like a massive effort 🙄 and I’ve never asked him to do anything because I didn’t want him to feel used in any way...

 

Andrina - black hole of neediness that isn’t happy with what he thought he wanted! If only I could of worded it that well myself!!!

 

Dancing fool - he was amazing with me and her and everyone when she first got sick but it’s almost like the mask fell off and he couldn’t pretend to care anymore because he was still not back to being my priority... surviving this last 6 months of hell had been my priority and my mums comfort

 

Wiseman2 - he actually hasn’t taken the savings yet... but I’m sure he will be doing. We pay rent but it’s hardly anything more of a token to help with food shopping... Because my parents wanted us to have what we wanted they’ve done everything to help

 

Rose mosse - no drugs no drink no gambling no nothing but the behaviour change screams of it doesn’t it!!! No signs of anything like this behaviour until about a month before the big fallout but that was about the same things he moaned I didn’t give him enough alone time so I put loads of effort in gave him more and he gave me less back like the more I tried the less he needed to,

He wasn’t himself towards the end I feel like I lost I’m along time ago beginning of lockdown I’d say...

 

SherrySher- thank you I know without a shadow of a doubt my mum comes first any of my family would come first, and nobody in the world should ever expect you to choose, I wasn’t ever saying we wouldn’t move out I just simply said I can’t move off the land I need to be like right here incase anything happens and on top of that even without the illness this was always the dream, he knew that when he met me and he wanted it too I don’t know what changed !! It wouldn’t of taken long like I say I just didn’t know there was a rush! Nor should there have been the place is massive there’s loads of space for everyone and it’s not like I said he had to sit and wait for me while I was helping her!

 

 

It’s helpful to see what people outside the bubble think about it. I’m so wrapped up in the heartbreak as are the hole family to be honest. It’s shocked and floored us all. He’s just not the guy he used to be and that’s devastating. My mums gutted because she saw him and treat him as a son and now feels like she’s the reason we’ve split when it was him and his unfair demands that made it happen

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You know you inadvertently hit the bull's eye - his mask fell and what you are seeing now is who he really is.

 

None of you turned him into anything - he's always been that way, just hidden behind a mask. You are actually lucky it came down before marriage, kids, and so on. Please tell your mom that it's not her fault and he is not a catch. You didn't lose someone great at all and it's so not her fault. My heart really goes out to all of you and hope your mom keeps beating the odds. Hugs.

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You know you inadvertently hit the bull's eye - his mask fell and what you are seeing now is who he really is.

 

None of you turned him into anything - he's always been that way, just hidden behind a mask. You are actually lucky it came down before marriage, kids, and so on. Please tell your mom that it's not her fault and he is not a catch. You didn't lose someone great at all and it's so not her fault. My heart really goes out to all of you and hope your mom keeps beating the odds. Hugs.

These are my thoughts as well. You said it. Mask fell off.

 

you'll find someone better!

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I’m so sorry to hear about your mom’s condition. You are a great daughter, your folks are lucky to have you!

 

You are seeing the real him. So selfish. You can do so much better than this guy, he is the last person you need in your life!

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Sometimes with some people its the mask that falls off...the universe has its own ways of telling you its time!

 

Yup. I wouldn't try to gaslight myself into believing that anyone who would mistreat me or my family is any prize worth trying to 'win' back.

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This is all so hard! 💔😭

 

He’s playing all my heart strings and I don’t know why I’m so weak to his charms! Begging me to keep trying through it all but how could he even think it could be saved now. Actually had the balls to say he would walk round with his head held high around my family if I wanted him back because he only cares what I think and nobody else. I’ve told him we clash in so many ways and he’s shown such hatred and anger to the most important people in my life and I have to tell myself I can’t hold a relationship with someone that hurtful. He’s playing all the moves saying that he feels hurt too because I won’t do as he wants and needs and apparently have never supported him when he’s needed it. So should be doing everything now to help him 😭

 

It’s petty. But I’ve just changed the Facebook status to not show anything on my profile anymore and changed my profile picture. He’s sent me a message saying he was so sure we could work through all the problems and I’ve shown how committed I am to wanting rid of him now, and that he’s sorry he ever bothered trying to save it and he loves me more than anyone ever could love anyone and all of this and I genuinely feel the same back. But his actions have shown he can’t possibly because if he did he wouldn’t of treat me and my loved ones the way he did would he 💔💔💔

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