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Regret letting a great person go.


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The short answer is yes.

 

There are always good people out there.

 

You just have to have faith in yourself and keep your integrity intact. What you think is important to you, what you value, what matters to you and all the other lovely details that make you delightfully you.

 

You keep on going and keep learning.

 

I also wanted to comment on your impression of this person. You seemed absorbed with yourself at the time (we all go through this) so how could you have known or seen any of his flaws? I doubt either of you would have gotten along perfectly. No relationship or person is ever perfect.

 

Surround yourself with goodness and be patient, kind, tolerant and cautious about your company going forward.

 

There's no reason not to find time for play and dating, meeting new people, making new friends.

 

You may also find that you're surrounded by good people but none of them are a match. That is ok too.

 

It takes more than goodness to be compatible on a romantic, sexual and intellectual level.

 

Take your time and enjoy the ride. I agree with DancingFool about letting the fresh air in.

 

Thank you for your uplifting comment. I suppose I've been on these horrible dating apps so long, I have a skewed view on the availablity of good men. I met this individual I wrote about on Tinder, but I think he was such an exception from the majority that I'm having a hard time believing I will find another like him, or a good person with the qualities he had. He told me right off the bat that he did not believe in casual relationships, that he was looking for a long term committed relationship and he was not interested in who he was dating hanging out/being friends with individuals they had been intimate with in the past. This had stood out to me, as I agreed with this statement yet so few men I met did. So few in fact, that I had convinced myself that I didn't mind casual relationships, and that it was okay for the person I was dating to hang out with people they had dated/been with in the past. Looking back, he shared much more values with me than the men I was actively choosing over him. Sad. I wish I had stopped to check in with myself more, and been authentic and true to myself rather than trying to change myself into the mould of what I believed others thought of as "normal" or progressive or whatever. Had I been more true to myself, I would have seen how much more compatible he was with me than the rest.

 

Your right, especially the past couple of days I have only been thinking of his positive traits. He was mature, up front and honest, but at times he was also blunt to the point of being insensitive, and occasionally mocked me for my repetitive and unhealthy patterns of dating emotionally unavailable men. For instance, he once asked me via text if I had gotten "spit-roasted" yet when he hadn't heard from me for a couple of weeks. Clearly referring to his resentment of me dating others instead of him. He made similar comments a few times, usually as a "joke" but still very hurtful. Looking back, he also rarely stated directly that he wanted to be with me, and wanted me to stop dating others. It was if he was too afraid/didn't want to be vulnerable to ask. instead, he took those joking jabs. I remember being so confused at the time why he was being so hurtful/rude to me, but I now see he was hurt and lashing out.

 

I will head your advice. I have worked on being kind and tolerant of others, but I believe I must work on my patience and being cautious about my company. I must be more observant of others and self-aware as I move forward.

 

Yes, that seems to be the case. I am currently surrounded by amazing people. I have worked hard to find and maintain wonderful female friends and have deepened my relationships with family members. I just haven't seemed to have come across good men with dating potential for me yet. I will try to take my time and not rush it. Maybe that has been my problem all along!

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Best to leave him alone he's a married man. I agree you don't really feel that much for him or you would not have dumped him for no good reason. I think you feel as if you missed out that's all. Regret will pass.

 

 

Agree with Wiseman. You need more going on in your life if these kind of thoughts are surfacing. Glad you realised you have maturing to do. That's the first step in finding a good man. Good luck.

 

Thank you for replying. Of course, I will not contact him or interfere in his life, I mentioned so in my original post. I think in the past I did not feel as much for him where I was in that stage of my life. Now when I look back, or if I had met him at my current stage of life, I think I would feel for him what I didn't (at least as strongly) back then. Yes, I do feel as though I missed out. But I suppose, I have no idea what happens behind closed doors. Perhaps he is not so great in a long term relationship, for I only know what I've seen on social media. I never dated this person for an extended period of time, never lived with him, never saw all sides of him. But I do still wonder, and what I've seen on social media, he spends time with his family with his 4 brothers and I feel I would have fit in well with them and him in my family as well. I suppose it doesn't matter to have such thoughts now. I really hope this regret will pass as you say.

 

That's the thing, I have so much to be looking forward to in my life. I have a thriving practice that I am currently seeing clients virtually, I have great friends and family around me, hobbies (as much as one can have during quarantine!) and the new challenge of relocating somewhere I believe I will fit much better in. I should be focused on these aspects of my current life, not the past. However, I have always had a tendency to ruminate about my past and regrets and get stuck in nostalgia.

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I think this kind of thing only highlights maybe what you would like to have with a man in your life.

 

But be confident that he is not that guy. You did not make a mistake. Have faith... what and who is meant for you, will find you.

 

You cannot lose someone that is truly yours. Even when/ if we completely mess ourselves or someone else up. It is all about the lesson or the redirecting of you path.

 

The cure to fear and doubt is faith. keep the faith. God bless and good luck to that guy.... but you have someone better to find.

 

Thank you for your comment, I think you hit the nail on the head. I was thinking about this today, and it is exactly that. When I think of having in my life, how he would fit in well and I believe I would have fit well into is had I taken that leap of faith, I realize that it is someone with the traits of what I remember him having. Not really him. I don't really know the current him anymore.

 

I want so badly to fully 100% believe you are right. He was not that man for me, I didn't make a fatal mistake. I am trying to have faith, I really am. It's such a comforting feeling to believe that who is meant for me will find me. I've never really thought of these lessons (rather than mistakes) redirecting my path in the right way, it's always been a thought of how my mistakes have redirected/altered course in a negative direction away from my "fate". I like how your reframe is exactly the opposite, that this is all bringing me to the right path. Thank you for your kind message. I will do my best to keep the faith!

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Your story is reminiscent of what my cousin told me. She said that she let a good one get away. She ended up marrying husband #2, the wrong guy, saddled with two kids and a miserable ever after. :upset:

 

I agree a catch is extremely difficult to find and some people say all the good ones are taken.

 

My sister rushed to the altar and divorced within a year. Then she married another dud and she's stuck with him, three kids and resigned to a unhappily ever after. :upset: Some people never get it right.

 

Fortunately, I vowed never to repeat my mother's mistake and married a great man. (My late father was an alcoholic wife beater.) We have two sons and my husband gave me a stable, content life.

 

As for you, try not to have regrets. There is a right man out there for you. Perhaps you are looking at all the wrong places. Whittle down your search. Know where all the great guys are. They're not at singles bars nor clubs. They're working hard, some are in church, volunteer, do charitable good works, into sports and fitness, some are into intellectual pursuits or ask your friends and family as they've done their homework for you. If you want a moral, empathetic man, you need to go where they are.

 

Pray and you will be blessed with the right man coming along in your life. It's not the end of the world. As my mother used to say: "Good things happen to those who wait." She said this quote after I had complained to her that I never had a date in my life throughout high school, college nor young adulthood. I was a late bloomer. Then my husband waltzed into my life and the rest his history. He gave me a great life in the suburbs, the white picket fence and two amazing sons.

 

Your day in the sun will come. Patience is key and you are wise now. You can afford to become very picky and choosy. Shop around!

 

Thank you for your cautionary tales. I believe I have waited this long, that I won't settle now. Your story is proof that it can be done, and if you found your great husband following your own advice, I will do so as well! You're right, I believe these great men are rarely at the bar or on quick dating apps. They are doing the work I would admire a man to be doing. Hard to get out and find these men and these situations these days with the quarantine, but I will keep my eyes and heart open. Thanks again!

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Thank you for your cautionary tales. I believe I have waited this long, that I won't settle now. Your story is proof that it can be done, and if you found your great husband following your own advice, I will do so as well! You're right, I believe these great men are rarely at the bar or on quick dating apps. They are doing the work I would admire a man to be doing. Hard to get out and find these men and these situations these days with the quarantine, but I will keep my eyes and heart open. Thanks again!

 

I think you need to be proactive about finding the right person as well as proactive about becoming the right person. Here are the ways people I know in their 30s have met their spouses (women meeting men): bar, salsa dance instructor, online dating sites, work, volunteer work, laundry room of apartment building on a rainy valentine's day night about 15 years ago, through friends, through backstage theater work (volunteer), singles events, craigslist ad for cycling partner.

 

Many men are people of integrity who work very hard and might be at a bar grabbing drinks with friends. Other men never go out and use work as an excuse. Men are individuals. I personally would not frequent bars unless there's a specific event going on. I met my husband originally at work. I found serious relationships in my 30s by being set up with friends, at a singles retreat, through a friend (his brother), online dating sites. I met many good men through my work, friends, volunteer work, singles events, dances, and my apartment building. I was extremely proactive and did not rely on "love will find you" because I wanted marriage and the opportunity to have a baby. Passivity had no place in that for me. Neither did desperation or settling.

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He could have very well been the right guy at the wrong time. Timing can be important. He was ready and indicated that while you were playing the field. Missed opportunists can haunt all of us.

 

You can use all the things you loved about him as a gauge for any new guy that comes along. I don't mean compare each guy to him but use it to help you weed out the men that aren't for you.

 

With all this new knowledge and the willingness not to let a good guy slip through your fingers again I am sure you will meet a solid guy that is looking for someone just like you.

 

Lost

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