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So my husband and I have been married for 12 yesrs. Two kids, great relationship.

 

He has always been honest about his fantasies, and I don’t mind listening if they turn him on. Recently he shared he fantasizes about my sister, who is 5 years older than I am. First, it was like any other fantasy and I would listen. But for the past couple weeks he has mentioned her every time we have sex. Like he will talk about her while we are giving each other oral AND having sex, so basically the whole time. The first time I was okay with it, but as it continued I started to get bothered by it. Now, it’s all I think about. I know that all men have fantasies, so I don’t blame him for feeling that way. But for me, it makes me feel like he’s not attracted to me physically because he’s been so fixated on my sister. I am close with her, so I’m at her house quite often. The last couple times we went to visit, he wanted to have sex as soon as we got home and started talking about her. I even feel like I don’t want to have sex because I know he’ll just be thinking about her and it just makes me feel bad. I don’t know how to bring it up to him because I’ve gone along with his prior fantasies, and I don’t want him to feel like he can’t tell me any of them in the future. What are your thoughts?

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I agree with Seraphim.

 

Also, why would you be okay with your husband discussing any other woman during sex? Do you discuss hot men when engaging in sexual activity with him.

 

Where are your boundaries. You have been married 12 years and have 2 kids, and you have never been able to discuss how hurtful this is! I don't get it!

Edited by Hollyj
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The sex would stop, done. Discussing siblings goes over boundaries.

 

I totally agree. Mentioning the fantasy once is one thing, but mentioning the sister now every time you have sex is totally crossing the line. He needs to shut up and zip it. You really need boundaries and he needs to understand he's crossing the line big time and it's just not funny anymore. I can't imagine he would love it if you mentioned his brother or his best friend every time you had sex.

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You need to put a stop to this, OP. Draw your boundaries, and be firm.

 

It doesn't matter if you've previously gone along with his fantasies. You are always allowed to speak up when something makes you uncomfortable, and I can't see how he thought fantasizing over your sister wouldn't make you uncomfortable.

 

There is a big difference between sharing a general fantasy, and involving a close family member in the fantasy - especially if he always refers to her every time you're intimate. That is so inappropriate. He shouldn't need this spelled out to him. Simply tell him it needs to stop. If you need to explain why, you have bigger problems with him than you realize.

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I don’t know how to bring it up to him because I’ve gone along with his prior fantasies, and I don’t want him to feel like he can’t tell me any of them in the future. What are your thoughts?

 

 

Repeat after me: Prior consent does NOT equal present consent or future consent, nor should it be assumed. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to say no- Yes, even in marriage.

 

While I commend you for being open and honest with each other, this has gone too far. Relatives, especially close relatives, should be off limits. And it's all about your comfort zone.

 

You're going to have to have a somewhat awkward conversation. You have to be honest and just say " I am no longer comfortable with this. She is my sister and this cannot continue. It's become an issue for me and it needs to stop now." You cannot control his response, but that doesn't mean you should express yourself. You are an equal partner in this marriage and your feelings are equally important as his.

 

I know you're scared of his reaction, but if you want it to stop you must be vocal and clear.

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Repeat after me: Prior consent does NOT equal present consent or future consent, nor should it be assumed. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to say no- Yes, even in marriage.

 

While I commend you for being open and honest with each other, this has gone too far. Relatives, especially close relatives, should be off limits. And it's all about your comfort zone.

 

You're going to have to have a somewhat awkward conversation. You have to be honest and just say " I am no longer comfortable with this. She is my sister and this cannot continue. It's become an issue for me and it needs to stop now." You cannot control his response, but that doesn't mean you should express yourself. You are an equal partner in this marriage and your feelings are equally important as his.

 

I know you're scared of his reaction, but if you want it to stop you must be vocal and clear.

I agree with this.

 

I find this situation so abhorrant. How is your mental health? do you feel this is ok? I wonder that your self esteem is so very low, you don't even see it. And that you feel it is your wifely duty to be a sex object.

 

It is beyond hurtful imho to listen to the man I married and love explain fantasies about other women, especially MY SISTER.

 

His behavior is not normal.

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Tell him how what he is doing makes you feel. If he doesn't stop then it is time to rethink the relationship.

 

He has watched to much porn and thinks he can have you both, probably at the same time!

 

I would bet if you picked out someone from his life (handsome coworker) and started telling him stuff while you are being intimate he wouldn't care for it much. This type of thing is a lot more harmless when it stays in the fantasy realm but when it is someone close by then it is way to close to home.

 

I agree you need to speak up and straighten him out that you no longer like to hear his fantasies.

 

Lost

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disgusting to even know something like this happen, i would go mad if my partner had any fantasies about my siblings.

He needs a therapist to resolve his issues, boundaries have been crossed, its unfortunate and you need to deal it by taking some real hard stand as you have allowed it to happen before.

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