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Made plans with my ex-best friend and I am afraid he will cancel.


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Hello. I am very anxious and really need some advice. I had a best friend. I am a female and he is a male, in our mid 20s. We were in the same college and were friends through all those years. We were together in many classes so we spent almost everyday together. We had a sexual relationship, I had a crush on him, he didn't but we continued with sex. Over the years I became really clingy and we fought a lot about it. I didn't leave him space and always wanted to spent time with him. We finally had a huge fight the past Christmas and he decided to take me out of his life. We have a lot of mutual friends so it wasn't really easy. We started chatting again casually over messaging apps, commented on eachother's posts on IG and so on. He seemed cooled with us. I tried not to pressure him and just be casual. Even had some dirty talks sometimes but we never talked about it after it happened. We stopped that some months ago. Nothing sexual between us anymore. So after all those months, where we only met in group hangs 2 or 3 times I asked him to meet to catch up. He said yes and we have plans this weekend. I really want to show him that I have changed. I still have more than friendship feelings for him but I want to keep everything friendly from now on so I can get over him and be friends again. I have been up so many things those months. I got accepted in the grad school of my choice and had some new friends and stories I would love to share with him. He had a lot of progress too and I really want to check on what he is up to. I felt really happy when he said yes and I am thinking of ways to tell him everything plus an apology for my behavior all those years. He really don't want to talk about things between us, he always avoid it and go silent when I tell him to discuss our issues and I don't want to pressure him. I just want to say I am sorry and make him see how much I grew over this time. I really want him back in my life as my friend. But as time passes I get anxious that he will cancel and I don't know how to react in that case. I am also anxious that he will be kind of distant and cold if we eventually meet and I don't want to be disappointed by that attitude and just ruin the evening and feel uncomfortable. I just want to discuss it with someone. Our mutual friends are not a good choice.. They all think I should not talk with him anymore and if they get how anxious I am they will talk him out of our meeting. It's hard to see everyone contacting him, sharing things with him and me being left out of his life. We used to be so close and I want that back. We really messed up with the sex thing but I really think we can overcome it. After we made plans our only interaction was through Snapchat for something funny. Any thoughts?

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately many fwb situations end badly because one person starts to get attached. Do not try to prove anything to him including being the "cool gf" because he simply does not want a relationship. Do not apologize for anything or act like a dog with it's tail between it's legs as if begging him to date you.

 

Keep your focus on your education, goals, new friends, etc. Do not discuss "us". Just focus on a brief catch up and leave it at that . never beg someone to be your fwb, friend or date you. Move forward with confidence that you will meet beet better quality men at grad school. It may be time to leave immature guys in the past.

I asked him to meet to catch up. He said yes and we have plans this weekend.

I am thinking of ways to tell him everything plus an apology for my behavior all those years

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If you're this anxious you do not want to be "friends". You want more than friends.

 

Imagine how you would feel if he showed up at your meetup with a new girlfriend. Or if he brought a new girlfriend to a get together with your mutual friend group. Would that hurt you? If so, you cannot be just friends.

 

Since you already scheduled this meeting, just make it quick. Catch up about school and work and that's it. Do not try to prove you "changed" because he will see it for what it is, a way to try to attract him back. Just leave that part out.

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He agreed to meet with you. This means he has already forgiven you for your issues of the past. Think a bit more simply.

 

You don't have to prove or make him see anything.

 

Just be yourself and stop trying so hard. That is the proof in itself - be yourself regardless of what anyone else thinks.

 

Let the friendship grow on its own over time. Live with the knowledge that you can live with or without him and it doesn't matter. He is a good friend but he doesn't make or break your happiness.

 

Be a little more confident in yourself.

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Of course this is your decision and I can't tell you what to do. If it was me though, I probably wouldn't want to meet up with him again or continue the friendship. You want more than friendship from him, that is obvious. It's almost like you're hoping that if you just act "cool and casual", he will change his mind about dating you. The thing is that he's not interested in anything but friends with benefits with you. You like him as more than just a friend or f buddy. You couldn't get over him for many years. Why do you want to keep putting yourself through it? If you have feelings for him, this will not work. Just being friends will not work out for you.

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You cannot be friends with someone you have feeling for.

 

I understand that it's hard to have your friends being closer to him than you are but sometimes you have to be strong and keep moving. You have to get over him if you want a chance to be in a loving relationship in your future.

 

Right now You want him back in your life so you will suppress all your feelings for him so he can be confortable. What about you? Are you gonna be happy to grab a coffee with him and his new girlfriend when he will have one? Can you picture yourself attending his marriage one day and be so happy for him??

 

You made so much progress already. Don't throw it away. Don't settle for friendship if you have feelings for him because you are going to suffer either by being fwb again or by being regularly confronted to the fact that it is a one sided situation.

 

You can be friendly, cordial with him but pretending to be just friend? If my bf had a friend like you, who still has feeling for him and was a fwb I would want her out.

 

Take the time you need to heal from this, and when you are head over hills in love with someone else, then you can consider a real friendship with him. And by that time you won't be so exited and scared to see him nor will you have to convince him that you are the cool friend. He will see it.

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This guy is not a friend. If I knew a friend had feelings, I would cut it off-certainly not have anymore sex-as I would know it would be painful for my friend-as you experienced. I would give the separation some time, until the feelings had dissipated.

 

You cannot be friends when there are feelings, but I would question why you would want this guy in your life at all!

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I have to agree with your mutual friends who are advising you not to meet with him, OP.

 

He is going to see right through your efforts to show him how much you have changed. And chances are this will still be just about sex. He gets uncomfortable talking about "us" because there is no "us." I doubt his stance on that will shift.

 

This is going to hurt you more than anything, I fear, and set back the progress you've made. I don't think it's a good idea, but since you're probably going to go ahead with it anyway, don't make it awkward by telling him all about your progress. If he's interested to know what you've been up to, he will ask. If he doesn't ask, you can assume he's just looking for more sex.

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Six months is not long enough to get over this FWB and move into friends. You are not ready and he is wary of that. You were clingy with him in the past, and just by reading your post, I can see you would move back into that again. You say you wont but you are fooling yourself. All of this thought of what to tell him, how to show him you have changed etc, that is a rather obvious statement that you have not changed. He is too high up on your pecking list and your need for him is still rather obvious.

 

I say meet with him, but then let him go and try to grow in yourself, get stronger and not need to have someone there.

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I get your points. I really want to get over him. I have been there when he flirted other women, we were friends and we had casual sex. I think I can handle it. I want him in my life because of all the things he meant to me all those years. I just want to have the chance to hang with him, talk and share things. I really try to meet other people and really want to fall in love again. This is not "in love". Things got pretty ugly and I just dont feel good about not having him in my life. I want to make him feel safe around me again and start sharing things again. Just commenting on posts is not enough for me. Sometimes he lowers those walls and we talk like old times and I really like that. I just want that back. It's not a try to get him back sexually or to make him date me. I want him to be with someone he loves and I want the same for me. The reason I am so anxious is that last time we met was so many moths ago. We told each other cruel things and I really want to let those things behind. Thak you all for your replies. I know I am in a better place and I want him to see it. If things wont work out I am ok too. I just want to try.

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Here's how I'd think about it.

 

You say you're interested in meeting new people, falling in love. Great. Now, do you think all this engagement with this guy from your past will help you on that path? Do you think being someone eager for a former FWB to "see" you in a "better place" is beneficial for future connections, or something with a high risk of fogging the lens, rendering you a woman that a good guy would struggle to take seriously?

 

Because your best case scenario here? It's you one day explaining to a new guy that it was super important to you to reestablish a relationship with a guy you got tangled up with: sexually, emotionally. What will that guy "see" in that moment? And how much does this moment get you further from even meeting that guy?

 

Give those questions some thought, find some answers, and let them guide you now.

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If you really want to meet someone who you could date, being close to this guy again is going to stand in your way. He's still taking up too much rent in your heart and mind.

 

And understand that when he meets a woman he wants to date, he will not prioritize his friendship with you. Sooner or later, you two are going to drift apart. You two don't have the solid, platonic foundation that lends itself to a true, long-lasting friendship.

 

If you're this anxious over him canceling, and showing him you've changed, you're not ready to meet him yet.

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He didn't cancel. We went for a walk by the beach and had some ice cream. It was ok. A little bit awkward, we were both afraid the other would bring up our issues but that didn't happen. We chatted for 2 hours and updated each other about what is going on in our lives. Made plans for next month to catch up again. That happened yesterday and today he sent me a pic of his dog he just adopted. I really think we can fix this..

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Ok, that's good. Lay back and let him initiate things.

We chatted for 2 hours and updated each other about what is going on in our lives. Made plans for next month to catch up again. That happened yesterday and today he sent me a pic of his dog he just adopted. I really think we can fix this..
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I mean fix our friendship. We used to spent so much time together, we shared a lot of things and he was a good friend. The romantic sense was something we both handled poorly and I don't want that back. I just want to communicate, remain friends and have him in my life. I was so anxious because I thought we were going to discuss about everything that happened between us and bring up a lot of ugly things. But I am glad that didn't happen.

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