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pretending to be someone else whilst knowing your partner struggles with online


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I have been a porn addict for quite some time. I didn't know how bad it was until I got with my current gf. She doesn't like porn I do. She doesn't like me watching it and I started to watch behind her back and lie about it. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and to avoid confrontation I would lie she would find out we would argue. If I told her the truth we would argue too. I also have issues with seeking attention online and sexting I know this is wrong in a relationship and I tried to stop but was unsuccessful and my gf found out she was obviously very angry hurt and upset. This happened numerous times I wasn't doing this because I wanted to it was a bad habit and I felt dirty and cheap afterwards and wanted it to stop. I tried counselling and sought after advice my gf tried to help as best as she could. You get the picture now. I was about 8 months into not doing anything of this sort of behavior I had returned home and my ex messaged asking about my aunty that had just passed away we have been broken up like 9 years we are definitely not into each other anymore I deleted the messages because me and my gf are not staying with each other due to the virus outbreak. She thought I was with her which is absolutely ridiculous but because of my track record she obviously finds it hard to trust me. I had WhatsApp on my phone no one had my number I had no contacts whatsoever I wasn't using WhatsApp it was just downloaded. In the morning I had a contact that had added me and I initially thought the only possible person who could have number is my gf but I didn't read too much into it and I replied to the message the conversation turned flirty and I didn't say I had a gf when asked or anything and ended up sending pictures it turned out it was my gf pretending to be someone else. I know I shouldn't have done what I did. I just feel as though she knew what I was struggling with and knew I was going through difficult times and I feel as though she exploited my weaknesses and help undo all the work I had put into making things right. Am I right to feel like this? was it fair for her to do that? She has said she wants to end the relationship. I am confused, angry and upset about this and don't know what to do. I have to start from step one all over gain now and I'm really angry with myself. Any advice?

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Get back to therapy, online if that is the only type available. I would suggest you get yourself offline 100% so you cant surf porn sites and talk to strangers and search for attention. Unplug yourself to remove temptation.

 

Your gf was wrong to trick you as she did.

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You have to take responsibility for your own actions. If it wasn't your girlfriend you just showed her that you're still untrustworthy and continue to flirt with other women online. You're upset that she caught you out back to your old tricks (so to speak).

 

Continue with your therapy for as long as it takes to break this "habit" and teach you self-control, because you'll never have a happy or successful relationship if this is what you do.

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Your gf is not to blame for you going back to square one. You and only you are.

 

You gf never trusted you and should have ended the relationship a long time ago because of that.

However she doubted her mistrust. She needed validation that she was not crazy for mistrusting you.

Her means justified the end.

 

Was it fair of her to do that? Not really but it has saved her from wasting her time further so I don’t think she will regret it.

 

You are now single and free to watch as much porn as you like and sext whoever you like.

But will it make you happy?

No sneaking around or having to pretend you are not doing it.

 

It’s up to you , where you go from here.

 

This is not just porn addiction , it’s so much more than that. It’s infidelity, lack of respect for your gf , sexting others (not porn related)

 

My advice would be to go to therapy as a single person , you are no longer going to please another but doing it for yourself.

And when , only when, you have quashed this behaviour for a good year or more , should you entertain the idea of dating again.

 

Best of luck!!

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The victim mentality is your worst enemy. You have used it as shield to perpetuate your shams, scams, lies, deception, enjoyment of harming and fooling others. Sorry to say, therapy is not that effective for your type of psychopathology.

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You're a very deceptive person. You even deceive yourself into blaming other people for your own actions. If you don't value honesty, you will never escape this rut. Your life will be like Groundhog's Day with you asking the same questions and lamenting the same "woe is me" over the same lessons that you refuse to learn. Sounds boring.

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I'm going against the grain here, because I'd need to question for myself what I'm willing to give up to have a relationship with someone who would police me.

 

My own private answer: nothing. I would give up nothing for that.

 

I'd work backward from what I want from a relationship, then I'd keep dating and screening out people who don't align with that.

 

So in your case, I'd rule out anyone who's not okay with porn--instead of pretzeling myself to conform to someone who is NOT okay porn.

 

Wouldn't that take all the guilt and shame and inauthenticy out of the equation?

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Are you in a conservative community or small town?

 

Don't engage in relationships until you understand more about yourself and what makes you happy.

 

Deceiving anyone is wrong. Find a place and a space where you can be yourself even if it means an unconventional relationship or an open relationship that allows for flirty conversations with third parties.

 

When you say a porn addiction, it's good to think about the ways it affects your relationship or the relationships around you especially if it interferes with intimacy in close relationships.

 

Don't lie or deceive anyone or try to be something you are not.

 

I have no strong opinion on what your gf did and I'm sorry you are feeling angry and confused. She's entitled to protect herself and find out more about you than you were willing to share adequately in a relationship. It goes back to understanding that deceiving someone is wrong. Deceiving yourself is wrong. I think working on this premise forwards is a good start also. Use this as a guide and radiate outwards.

 

Move forwards and start understanding yourself more.

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I'm going against the grain here, because I'd need to question for myself what I'm willing to give up to have a relationship with someone who would police me.

 

My own private answer: nothing. I would give up nothing for that.

 

I'd work backward from what I want from a relationship, then I'd keep dating and screening out people who don't align with that.

 

So in your case, I'd rule out anyone who's not okay with porn--instead of pretzeling myself to conform to someone who is NOT okay porn.

 

Wouldn't that take all the guilt and shame and inauthenticy out of the equation?

 

But, it was not only about the porn, as he was seeking attention online and sexting others.

 

OP, I suggest you return to therapy and end the relationship. You need to get to the root of your issues. Clearly, you are still not taking responsibility.

 

Honestly, I don't understand why she has stuck around. I do not agree with her methods. but clearly YOU are not trustworthy.

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Just like any addict, you divert blame, make excuses and don't take accountability. Addicts should never be in a relaiotnship in the first place while getting therapy/treatment. You should find a support group as part of your therapy. Seriously, you are the one that undone 8 months of work because you still can't cope or stop yourself. This has nothing to do with your GF, this is all about you and your problem. She needed to end this relationship, the damage was done, and I say hats off to her getting out of it. Get back into therapy and focus on yourself with no distractions....your problem is way worse that you thought.

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The fact that you’re trying to shift the blame onto your gf for protecting herself is shameful. Based on what you said that that you have sexted other women on numerous occasions she had probably forgiven you time and time again but always knew deep down that you would inevitably hurt/disappoint her again. She did what needed to be done to find out the truth. If you really have gone 8 months without porn and sexting then why give in this one time, what changed? Surely there were countless opportunities before this. I agree with what someone said above, you should not be in a relationship with anyone until you have figured this out. It’s not fair to put this on a gf. This is not simply a porn addiction, the much bigger problem is the sexting which shows zero respect to your gf. This one is on you. Your gf did the right thing by ending it, I know you don’t want to hear that but for her sake I’m Glad she did. Good luck I hope you do the work and figure it out.

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It 'works' to clear your head so that you can better estimate what game plan for your future is actually in your own best interests. From there you'll have the clarity to operate, and not a moment sooner.

 

This isn't about manipulating your ex. You've already learned that hovering around in an attempt to do that doesn't work and only keeps you miserable. So skip that and do what it takes to gain clarity.

 

Your ex has her own agenda, and it does not align with yours at this time. So stop the suffering. Back up and learn how to operate in our own best interests. This will either prompt ex to align with your agenda, or not, but it's the only shot you've realistically got.

 

Head high, and choose wisely.

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So regarding the porn, were you actually addicted to porn? Did you watch it constantly to the point where it took over your life? Or did you just watch it occasionally? The reason why I ask is because there is a difference between simply liking porn and actually having an addiction to it.

 

You will find differing opinions from different people as to whether it's OK to watch porn or not. I'm actually a woman and I like to watch porn. I don't watch it all the time but maybe once or twice a week. I don't care if my partner watches porn, I'm fine with it. If I had a partner who totally forbid me to watch porn, I would probably break up with them. Of course it's different if it's an actual serious addiction.

 

The thing is it's important to date people who have similar beliefs and values. If you like to watch porn and your partner has a problem with it, then it probably won't work out. Next time date women who are fine with you watching porn. If you are over the legal age, it's your choice if you want to watch porn or not. Unless of course you have a problem.

 

Regarding the sexting, yes it's wrong. Doing anything sexual with other people is actually cheating if you're meant to be in a monogamous relationship. So yes you did something wrong.

 

Actually in my opinion what your girlfriend did wasn't great either. I think it's very deceitful that she pretended to be someone else. But either way, it sounds like you have no trust in your relationship. Your girlfriend doesn't trust you and she also lied to you and pretended to be someone else as well. You don't sound ready to be in a relationship because you can't get over the porn and sexting thing. So it's not fair for you to be in a relationship and do this to your partner. Don't be selfish and keep cheating, your girlfriend doesn't deserve that. Keep working on yourself in therapy.

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So regarding the porn, were you actually addicted to porn? Did you watch it constantly to the point where it took over your life? Or did you just watch it occasionally? The reason why I ask is because there is a difference between simply liking porn and actually having an addiction to it.

OP said: ..."I have been a porn addict for quite some time." Sounds more like an addiction rather than just liking porn.

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OP said: ..."I have been a porn addict for quite some time." Sounds more like an addiction rather than just liking porn.

 

Yes, I was just curious to find out what "addiction" means to him personally. Like how often he watched porn and how it affected his life. I mean some people do watch a fair bit of porn, but it's not necessarily addiction, they just like it a lot. I have seen a lot of posts here where the person was saying their partner has a problem with them watching porn and they forbid them to watch porn. So some people have a very low tolerance for their partner watching porn, even if it's not addiction or anything like that. So I was just saying that if he likes porn a lot, he shouldn't date women that don't like it and don't let him watch it.

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Yes, I was just curious to find out what "addiction" means to him personally. Like how often he watched porn and how it affected his life. I mean some people do watch a fair bit of porn, but it's not necessarily addiction, they just like it a lot. I have seen a lot of posts here where the person was saying their partner has a problem with them watching porn and they forbid them to watch porn. So some people have a very low tolerance for their partner watching porn, even if it's not addiction or anything like that. So I was just saying that if he likes porn a lot, he shouldn't date women that don't like it and don't let him watch it.

 

I understand. I just thought you may have missed the part in his post where he, himself, mentioned being addicted to porn. :)

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I doubt you are an addict.

 

What is more important to you? Your gf or you jerking off to some fantasy online?

 

Stop cold turkey and make a concerted effort any time you feel the urge to watch porn to redirect that urge in a positive way. Clean the house, work out, go for a walk, call your gf, call your mom (that should do it) but do something other than make excuses.

 

If you don't stop you will only have porn and what kind of life is that.

 

"Uncle Jaime, why didn't you ever get married and have kids?" Well you see I was a self proclaimed porn addict and no woman would put up with it so here I am...

 

You have all the power to get your life into a healthy state so stop making excuses and do what you know needs to be done.

 

Lost

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