Wife needs space to deal with past grief, but I'm worried she won't come back

[SpaceHurts]

My wife of 9 years, dating for 12 told me she needs space to work through her past grief or she feels like she's going to explode. I resisted the 'space' at first because in my mind that's a separation and seems marriages often don't come back from separations. I realized I defined the space this way and apologized to her. I told her I support her and she has been staying at her friend’s house for the past week. We have 2 daughters, 7 & 4. My wife has been FaceTiming them a few times this week and my daughters can FaceTime her as well. My wife has come to the house on Thursday to tuck them in (she left the Monday morning before) so she is attempting to see them while she grieves.

 

Her back story - My wife's grief stems from the loss of her mother when she was an early teenager (cancer), the loss of her grandma shortly after, and then her father moving the 2 youngest siblings (12 & 14) several thousand miles away while the 2 oldest siblings (17 & 19) choose to stay in their hometown. The moved happened because he met a woman online shortly after his wife's passing. As you can imagine, this devastated my wife as an early teenager. Moving to a new country without any emotional support of her lifelong friends, huge family, or simply being able to visit her mother’s grave and her dad being checked out on top of it allowed her not to grieve - she just internalized it all. This, of course, led to some destructive behaviors as a teenager that she still regrets to this day. My wife has had a couple of good length relationships and just came out of one when we met. She was 22 and I was 27.

 

My back story - My grief stems from abandonment issues of my childhood/adolescence/life... I'm a military brat which was part of the reason i attended a different school from Kindergarten until 10th grade. I could always make good friendships, but they were always short lived because we would move again. My parents divorced when I was 7, my mom remarried shortly after when I was 8/9-ish, divorced again when I was 14/15 and then my mom remarried with I was 16/17, but I was in a serious relationship with my gf and spent most of my time with her, some friends, at church, or playing football. I attended college in a different city but maintained a long term relationship with my gf and we married in 2003 when I was 22. Our marriage lasted 5 years before her infidelity ended it. We were together 12 years 2 months. And then I met my Current wife, 2 months after my high school sweetheart left (2008)

 

Our back story - My wife and I began talking and had a good connection immediately (2008). We broke up a few times because I was struggling with filing for divorce (abandonment issues much...) despite there was no relationship or communication with my HS sweetheart/spouse. We attempted to reconcile, but it didn’t last a week.. I filed for divorce about a year after I met my wife and it allowed us to get back together. In 2011 my wife and I married. We've moved around a few times having our 2 daughters along the way, but found our way back to the area where we met. This is the longest we've been in one place at 3.5 years. We have an amazing home that we've put some sweat equity in, beautiful yard that's like a park, just installed a pool and got a dog. Our relationship has been great! We have made fantastic memories and really do have a beautiful life. EVERYTHING anyone could ever ask for in life, and not in a material way. I don't say this out of ego, but I am a really good husband and father and she is a great wife and mother. Things are great, or so I thought. My wife started back to school to become a nurse and accomplish a goal of picking up her bachelor’s degree. She met some great friends and they have been spending lots of time together, which I support. She has always had great friendships and when we moved away and had babies, it was difficult for either of us to find friends so it's great she has made great friendships. Her new best friend confided in her as they commuted to school together that she wasn’t happy. That she was thinking about leaving her husband. My wife was a good listener and would attempt to intervene when her friend would think about doing something that could devastate the marriage before she decided to divorce or not. My wife told me everything her friend was going through bc we have a great relationship that we share/discuss/not judgement zone. Her friend filed for divorce last summer. My wifes sister has been dealing with some similar grief issues herself and her spouse doesn’t support her much. She doesn’t have friends and doesn’t have support other that my wife. So my wife has been hearing from 2 of her closest people about bad relationships and divorce and has even commented that she has it great and wishes they had what we have. Last May when school was out for summer, Sarah said she's having issues with her past grief/anxiety and that she's not happy, but her not happy wasn't with our relationship. I encouraged her to seek counseling like she had done a few years previously and she wanted to get back on the meds she was on when she had post-pardom depression with our first daughter so she got back on them and definitely helped with the anxiety, especially with the heavy load of nursing school. Things were good (or seemed so). We went on 3 awesome vacations to make up for the time that we didn't get to spend as a family while she was in school. She would study every night and I practically did everything (until she fired me from doing laundry, lol). I put my high stress & great job track on the back burner and focused on taking care of everything at home. Sarah even thought that moving to Boston would be where she wanted to be. I interviewed for jobs and attempted to move us, but ultimately, she said shes developed great friendships and has a job coming up so she wants to stay here now. We have a modern relationship as we firmly believe in contributing to equally to household duties. We have our 'division of responsibilities' which definitely helps know who does what and we def equally contribute. I promise you, if our life were on Instagram, it would be one of those that everybody wants. It is fantastic for both of us. I’m not making this up. Sure we have our arguments, but we have great relationship. Our summer was a great time of connecting and we would discuss her meds/grief/happiness/seeking counseling. All was good. School started back up again before she started counseling. We made it through the last year of school and of course, the Corona hit... This definitely put a damper on my wife's attitude. We followed social distancing protocols (of course, she's about to be a new nurse! lol) but you could see she was getting stir crazy and of course i was working from home. Crazy time for everybody. As soon as she could, she was seeing friends again, making plans to hike with friends, etc, but never making time/plans for us to do anything. It's almost like as her friendship grew, as her relationship with her sister grew, as she finished school which is such a confidence boost that she began having less time for me. I brought this up to her several times, but she just dismissed it as she needs to get out of the house bc of the Corona. We still never planned anything. Everything was about her friends/sister/hiking/tubing saying it was all for therapy. She definitely wasn't out partying or anything, but she also wasn't making time for me. No infidelity on anybody's part, but the distancing is difficult for me to deal with, especially since she's doing things i would love to do with her. I was an avid hiker back in the day and would love to spend that time/experience with her.

 

Now to the Recent stuff - a little over a week ago she told me she wasn't happy again. That she's never dealt with her grief and NEEDS to do that. She asked about getting away for a few days and, in hindsight, I should have agreed because it seems like that would have been good and might have 'return date'. Instead i defined it as a separation and that 87% of marriages don't get back together after a separation (damn you Google! haha). Over the course of a day or so, we discussed it more and i kept pushing back, but eventually agreed to support and trust her, just like i always do, but i was definitely having issues with my abandonment issues and it was bringing up stuff from my past that was hard to ignore. There are soo many similarities in how my ex left to what my spouse is doing/has done, except for the infidelity. The hiking/new friends/distancing/etc. I recognize all of these are healthy things especially to clear your head, but because they are exactly the same from previous, it puts me in a bad place. When my ex left there was absolutely no hope. She cheated multiple times and wanted a separation. She kept cheating during the separation and was not in communication with me. It's similar but completely different this time. My wife needs some space to work on her self, is in counseling, we go to marriage counseling, and we talk/text multiple times daily. She left on Monday morning to stay with a friend. She went to her first counseling session and called me afterword and told me in an upbeat good mood saying all of this is about her unresolved grief and it has nothing to do with our marriage and we're going to be great in the end! Fantastic news! Awesome! It was day 1. Night 1 was a totally different scenario, because i'm an idiot and insecure and reliving my past grief. as my wife said to me, the body recognized trauma. My body definitely started recognizing trauma and my insecurities came out in the middle of the night. I saw that she had facetimed the girls but never bother to call/text me that evening. Granted we talked/text during the day, but what's common sense have to do with grief! lol. Definitely don't have a few bourbons when your wife leaves - it only makes it worse. So of course i self-sabotaged. I happened to come across an old ipad of hers earlier in the day and thought nothing of it. In the wee hours of the morning when i could sleep (literally got no sleep that night) i cracked it open and attempted to login into stuff. i only did it for a little bit and realized how wrong i was and insecure i was being. This is not what she needed and definitely doesn't come across as supporting/trusting her. Of course, this caused her get notifications that someone was trying to hack her accounts. That made day 2 a bit uncomfortable and probably caused some damage... We discussed my actions and she shared that night 1 was rough for her too.. At her friends house, she had a few glasses of wine and cried all night to her 2 friends that were there. We discussed how this sucks for both of us but it's what's best for Her. Definitely not what seems like best for Me. And that's the biggest problem. I keep making this about me! We've talked/texted everyday this week. We attended our first marriage counseling session on Thursday (first time i saw here since she left) and that was a disaster bc i made it about me again. I thought maybe we could ride together, but instead of asking her, i waited for a text that never came. so approx an hour before the session i told her i'd see her there and to drive safe. I was trying to protect myself from her declining my inquiry, but i did more damage. She said she would have wanted to ride together, just wasn't something she thought of yet. (how do you not think of it - oh yeah, you're dealing with grief and this isn't about me...) We ended up riding together, but i was in a foul mood bc it seemed she didn't want to be with me. me and the counselor argued a bit because i felt she was shutting my feelings down, but i was wrong and in a bad place. damn it. I dropped my wife off at her car and she said she'll pick the girls up from daycare if i'll pick up the food. so she came over and we ate but then the dog got attacked by a deer... yep, a deer. so we had to rush to vet and get checked out. of course, my wife feels guilty about this because she let the dog out but its not her fault. another thing for her to grieve and be distant about... ugh. she stayed to put the kids to bed and then we chatted for a bit. again i made it about me and cried that i want her in my life and that this process sucks too much. I told her i'm afraid she's doing this as a trial divorce. i'm stupid and grieving myself. I told her i don't understand how you're going to work thru your stuff and become better at your friends house, away from your family. She says she needs the independence and not being here helps her focus on herself. not having to worry about the kids or me, but all she's done is worry about me and the kids. completely my fault for continuing to make it about me. The next day, she came over in the morning to drop off the Jeep that she has so that i could tow some equipment - we installed a pool and now there's crazy yard work to do and somebody's got to do it. She came over after her work orientation and of course, i unloaded and cried like a baby. telling her all the same ol stuff again and again, blabbering like a fool. a fool madly in love with her. she cried a bunch too but said she doesnt know about us because she doesn't know about anything. she has no answers and just needs time. I completely get it, but don't like it. We cried (a lot), we laughed (some), we embraced, we hugged, we kissed (just on the lips). I asked her if we could go hiking next friday, i'd take the day off and could go do a hike she's been wanting to do, but nobody else will go with her. her response floored me. She said she needs to ask her therapist... Soooo she wants to come spend time with me on Father's Day (her choice) but has to ask the therapist if she can spend time with me to hike? not the response i thought i'd get. I'm trying to work on our relationship to keep our bond, but maybe it's too early for that. but then, whens the right time before it's too late... this sucks. Then i had to go to get my hair cut and she was going with her friend that she's staying with to tube down the river. She said as a form of therapy. I truly do get it. definitely therapeutic and a great way to get away from all the grief and thoughts swirling around in ones head. If you've never been tubing, you should try it. This isn't whitewater rafting. it's simply slowly floating down a river seeing nature from a raw perspective. I was ok with it. my issue with any of her hiking/tubing/etc has been more the jealously/enviousness as i'd love to spend that time with her or doing those things. instead i'm at home watching the kids 24/7 and working from home in a high stress position. It just all sucks and i keep making it about myself. I'm grieving and dealing with the past grief/trauma of my life all at the same time. ouch. I am starting counseling on Wednesday (first appt i could get, even telehealth). I don't want to keep making the same mistakes and pushing her away or making her define what going on. I keep putting myself into my work, then the yard, then cleaning the house (and laundry!), but of course, I wasn't dealing with the grief of losing my wife. I realize that now and trying to deal. That's why i'm on this board. to vent, to seek a safe space to share, to talk, to open up like i've never opened up before and it's therapeutic (for the moment). I was sad all day yesterday after seeing my wife. i cried all day. unfortunately, i even cried in front of the kids several times after picking them up from daycare, but they were rockstars and told me it going to be ok. they gave me hugs/kisses/snuggles and helped take the edge off. My wife text me on the way to tubing/while on the river/on the way back. we even talked per my text request. she called when she got service again and we chatted for a few min. i wanted to tell her how great the kids did amongst me not keeping it together. The kids had told her via facetime that i cried a few times. I partly wanted to talk about the kids, but i really just wanted to hear her voice again. I didn't unload, but did tell her i was sad and missed her. She said the same, but with less emotion than me. I did ask about the river and looked forward to seeing the pics. Shes been planning to come over on Saturday to spend time with the kids and then again on Sunday for Father's day, if i'm ok with it. Of course i am, but i don't want to be a mess. I just want things to go smooth and be great like usual. I asked her on friday to set my expectations straight about this weekend. I put myself out there and elaborated - i have hopes she'll be either stay Saturday night to be here in the morning for breakfast (we're a big breakfast at the table family) and then spend the day Sunday, and maybe things will go well and she'll stay again... of course, that's not what she thinks will be good for her. She wants to come over on Saturday for just a couple of hours (no clue when but i didn't push for a time - door is open anytime) and then she'll come over Sunday/Father's Day and we're all going to go for a Jeep ride because that's what i'd like to do as a family. She didn't define how long she'll be here on Father's day, and again, i didn't seek to clarify. door is open. I'm trying to make progress and our communication is great via text/phone, but i break down in person. part of me thinks it's not a good idea for her to come over, but the other part longs to see her and spend the day as a family because it may be the last time ever, even if it's not the same as before - which it won't be... But i'll be glad to spend time with her. I got some sleep last night but woke at 3am - so instead of internalizing or cleaning, i journaled. it was good and got some thoughts on paper. i got back in bed and slept for another couple of hours getting up at 7am to journal some more and re-read my journal entries from this week. what a roller coaster. i'm definitely internalizing too much and making this all about me when its all about her and her grief, i just don't want to lose US, our family, our relationship, our dreams, our life, goals, etc. it just sucks. I can comprehend that life goes on, i know this from previous experience. I know there's 'other fish in the sea' and all that crap, but i don't want another fish. I want this one and this life and everything we've built together! I keep telling myself i'm not in control of her actions or anything that’s happening really, but i can have an influence slightly with my behavior and so far i'm doing a horrible job. I can only control MY actions even though its really difficult when grieving. "if i just tell her how much i miss her, she’ll understand and come back". Nope. not gonna happen. All i can do is focus on me, but that soo hard to do when i'm thinking about her and having to handle everything at the house with the kids, you know, feeding them, swim lessons, daycare 3 days a week, etc. I completely understand why she had to get out to work on herself. Its really difficult to do with soo many distractions. I just pray she gets through it and comes back, soon.

 

Looking forward - My wife starts her new job on 6/29 and she probably won't be back home for that. I can't help but feel like she's starting a new chapter without me/us/family. How can people return to their family when they've started a new chapter? She's supposed to be working on herself, but now she'll be working 3, 12 hour shifts while staying at her friends. It feels like she's starting a new life.

 

The following week is July 4th. That was the night we met 12 years ago. Coincidentally, its approx the same amount of time of my first marriage. My HS sweetheart left/separated at 12 years, 2 months. My wife left to work on herself at 11 years, 11 months. Ugh. All these similarities. I try not to think about them bc my wife is not my ex, but why is everything lining up similarly? I get that i'm making it about me and i'm finding these similarities - and i shouldn't bc that just makes it worse. double ugh... Is my 'Relationship Shelf Life' 12 years? lol. I get that she probably won't be back for July 4th/12 years, but i pray that she'll get to a point that she says "its time to go home and continue working on things WITH my family" or something to that effect. One of my fears i'm having is that she starts her job (hasn't worked since mid 2010 due to high risk pregnancy, stay at home mom, nursing school) and when she gets her first pay check, she either deposits it in a new bank account or withdrawals it all. Why am i even thinking this far out about it?? None of this on her part is premeditated. I'm just in my own head waayyy too much and trying to protect myself from the circumstances or what may become... I love my wife and will do anything for her. What i should be doing is letting her be and grieve and not make this about me. I have that clarity/objectivity to know that so why can't i just do it. Stop over thinking everything like i always do and just take it day by day. text by text. and whatever happens, happens... ugh. I know i'll be alright in the end, its just the journey to get there i'm afraid of. What if, what if, what if, pain, pain, pain, sorrow, loss, grief, suckfest, children hurting, all of it. damn it.

 

All i can do is day by day, focus on myself while handling everything because i have no one to help. I big piece i forgot to mention in this novel is that i don't have any close friendships - i lost those in the first divorce (he's married to my ex's sister...) and it's difficult to make friends outside of work. on top of that, the relationship with my mom is non-existent as she was/is horrible to my wife and she no-showed my daughters birthday and then lied about it. lots of drama around her for another post... haha ; but point being i don't have anyone or any help so its difficult to focus on myself. daycare 3 days a week and iPads are the best thing i have. granted iPads are the best option for the kids, but i have to have time to grieve and move on with my life - let the cards fall where they may. I look forward to our marriage counseling even though we both agree we don't like her, but its a time/date circled on the calendar that i get to see my wife. I look forward to my individual counseling session as well. I pray for the best outcome possible and i do have hope our relationship will work. there are lots of little things that say it can and will. our communication was always pretty good, but now its great. despite her being away, she's still contacting me. I hope it's not out of guilt and just to see that im ok so she can not feel guilty... This week's probably going to tell us a lot about what may come. Does she keep communicating with me or does she start putting distance between us? Does the children visitation become more formal (she’ll see them on XYZ dates) or does it stay how it is and comes over randomly to see them? I pray her counseling session on Monday goes really well and that she makes progress on her grief. I know counselors don't necessarily tell you what to do, but i hope my wife gets some clarity that spending time with the family/me is good for her and can give her hope. My wife hasn't said she doesn't want to be in this relationship, that shes just confused/not sure about anything in her life including herself. On top of all this, this Tuesday is the anniversary of her mothers passing. Tuesday is going to be VERY difficult for her and it physical pains me not to be there for her. Every year I have taken the day off to be with her, or around, or not – whatever she wants me to do to support her, and this is the first time I’m not allowed to be there for her. I usually get her flowers and a card so I’m going to do just that. I have a card and plan to get flowers on Tuesday and then drop them off. Give her a hug, say I understand and I Love you. I just want her to be ok and know that I’m still there for her. I won’t make it about me anymore. It’s about her. Everything I’ve done is about and for her, so I’m not going to make it about me other than seeking counseling and working on myself. 

 

I write all this really to be therapeutic for myself, to get it out there instead of just a journal. Like i said, i don't have ANYBODY in my life that i can talk with other than my wife and a counselor. I'm making baby steps to meet some people/go to support group, etc. So if you've read all of this, i apologize for putting ALL of my thoughts on paper and the internet. yikes! If you respond, i ask that you be respectful of what i'm going through and your responses. i understand plenty of others have went through similar situations and survived. Hell, i myself have before! :) I know everything will be ok eventually, regardless of the outcome. We're both finally seeking healthy ways of dealing with our stuffs, i just wish my wife would attempt to do it from the house again...

 

Thanks for listening. Thanks for not judging, Thanks for allowing this to be a therapeutic session for me. Thanks for giving me somebody to talk to.

[Wiseman2]

The problems were decades ago. She has since built a life and family of her own. This is not grief this is her checking out of the marriage. It sounds like she met someone and wants to test drive being single.

[jimthzz]

The problems were decades ago. She has since built a life and family of her own. This is not grief this is her checking out of the marriage. It sounds like she met someone and wants to test drive being single.

 

I agree. She is not being candid with you about what she is doing. Very disrespectful.

 

She can deal with grief at your home. Whatever she is doing requires you to not be there. Capiche?

 

If I were you, I would put your foot down, tell her to come home -- or don't come home.

 

Get your ducks in row financially, and otherwise. Offer marriage counseling. But she can't do the single gal thing anymore. Unless, of course that is the end game for her. But she owes you the truth.

 

Step up, be assertive about her abandonment of her family. You are not held to her time line.

[SpaceHurts]

Thank you both for taking the time to read my very lengthy post! I agree with what both of you are saying and what I fear is she won’t come back. Unfortunately, she signed a lease last night and said she can’t stay at her friends anymore bc it doesn’t allow her to focus on herself and she can’t be here bc of her codependency she is constantly worrying about me and my feelings. Her counselor has verified her actions and says this is what she needs to do to A) heal from past issues and B) stop being codependent. We both have codependency Issues, but it seems there’s a fine line btwn that and marital duties, etc. Whatever. She basically said she’s never taken care of herself so this has now become about her grief and her independence.... ugh. Our communication has been good and making arrangements for the girls to share time at both places. Hard to not seem like a divorce or one is looming, but she has agreed that the goal is to get back together after some time. She invited me to her next therapy session to hear/discuss with her counselor on what this process looks like. I can’t help but feel her counselor is leading her decisions. My wife had originally told the counselor That she could stay in the home, but would eventually explode and then their wouldn’t be any no hope. On Monday, The counselor agreed that she needed to be on her own to process and I guess even said this process would be hard and would take 6 months if she is to get better and we’re to have a chance. My wife initially brushed off her comments while staying w her friend but then had clarity on Saturday morning that she does need to stand on her own... She told me Saturday that she wants a separation. Happy Fathers Day, I guess... we spent Father’s Day together as a family and it was good, albeit rough for both of us. She has been open and honest with me and IS struggling with this and has even said as much. She’s suffering from the same grief symptoms as me and is having a difficult time with it all. She even mentioned she wants to give in and come home but feels that will end badly for us with no hope. So here I am trying to navigate a newly separated life. We are having the discussion tonight on boundaries, etc. No fun. I DO feel there is hope for us, but completely uncertain on the correct course to get there. She has made up her mind and is moving out. There is no stopping her. I love her immensely and will walk this journey ‘with’ her, for the sake of our kiddos and the possibility, maybe, that we get back together. Putting my foot down will not do any good and she’s completely in the drivers seat. I don’t like this process, but I have no other (good) option. Hell, I have plenty of trauma in my past as well so I’m just going to utilize this time to focus on me. I’ve signed up for a separation group (online was all they had) and start counseling on Wednesday. We’re getting the girls started in counseling as well ASAP. This is the most difficult thing ever and it breaks my heart. And then again for my daughters. I’m willing to walk (run) this journey For the sake of my family and will give it time. What’s the worst thing that could happen, my wife divorces me and I’m out 6 months of financial support?? Oh well, at least I tried! We have both agreed that we are going to co parent the S#!+ out of this thing regardless . Here’s to hoping it all works out. I definitely have my doubts, but will do my best to move forward with my life.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Continue to focus on co-parenting, custody and visitation arrangements.The best thing is to attend to your own therapy and stop going jointly, except to discuss co parenting. You also need to consult an attorney regarding your options in divorce and child support.

she signed a lease last night

She told me Saturday that she wants a separation.

She even mentioned she wants to give in and come home but feels that will end badly for us with no hope.

She has made up her mind and is moving out.

 

What’s the worst thing that could happen, my wife divorces me and I’m out 6 months of financial support?

[DancingFool]

For what it's worth, I don't think your first marriage ever really stood a chance of working. It had nothing to do with you, but rather the very fact that when you started out, you were both children. Between teen years and mid 20's, all people go through tremendous changes as they grow from children to fully formed adults. The odds that you will grow together are astronomically small. What happened there was you two grew apart, a lot. Sure, she cheated and should have been better than that, but again, don't look at that past relationship and compare or blame yourself or feel less than or that somehow there is something wrong with you that your relationships can't go past a certain point.

 

Fear of being alone, abandonment issues ironically set you up for relationship failure (the very thing that you fear) because it makes you choose partners poorly and cling on to relationships that should have ended long ago. It turns you into a doormat.

 

This present relationship....you jumped in barely 2 months after your first 12 year relationship ended. No time to heal, no time to process, no time to stand on your own two feet, no time out to deal with your issues. Predictably, you chose a partner who is damaged and had red flags slapping you in the face. If you had taken a time out to heal and grow back then....I'd bet money you wouldn't have seen your present wife as relationship material. Two broken halves do not make a whole, they just feed the broken cycle. From the bleacher seats, it does come across to me that a lot of your relationship dynamic is walking on eggshells around each other in different ways and using "grief" as an excuse for a whole lot of dysfunctional behavior.

 

On that note, I do think that stepping away from each other and actually taking time out to do some healing is important and long past due. Consider seeking out CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) rather than just talk therapy. Venting to a therapist might be nice, but for most people, it doesn't help them change their thinking and behavior patterns that are pretty hard wired. CBT actually focuses more on constructive change. I also think that you should go to her counseling session and hear out the therapist.

 

If you like to journal, there is a journal section here where it's more for venting, talking about your journey and while people make some comments it's less advisory and more just supportive variety. You might find that helpful as well if you like to journal and would like more just venting and some support rather than blunt advice and done.

[jimthzz]

Suck up your emotions and get a lawyer, figure out the best your children and yourself.

 

Get tested for STD exposure.

 

Segregate your finances from her.

 

She is way ahead of you.

 

BTW, her therapist is NOT your advocate or one for your marriage.

[abitbroken]

I think you should tell her that to deal with grief, she needs a counselor. Simply moving out of the house doesn't solve grief. If she chooses to live separately, then you can't take it to mean anything else but she wants not to be married to you. its very difficult to read a wall of text with no paragraph breaks so maybe i have missed it - but are you sure with your abandonment issues of your own, you are not being clingy and that's what she wants a break from? I think you should work through your issues at the same time? It might not be grief, but depression she is going through.

 

You need to take the bull by the horns, get a sitter, meet her for a meal without the kids and talk - she wants to be married and work through her grief with a counselor and get help for her depression while together, or does she mean that she is leaving you?