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Hi. I have been in a relationship with a nice man for a year now. He seems very invested in the relationship although for the first few months he moved very slowly. About 6 months into our relationship he went to Las Vegas with friends. He has since admitted that a few of the guys, some married were unfaithful. When I probed him on this he told me that they had used prostitutes. The difference between my guy and the others is that he doesn’t drink much alcohol or take any drugs. The reason I probed him Initially on the trip was because I felt uneasy when I saw the guys reaction months later when Vegas was mentioned. They looked uneasy. My head is telling me that he wouldn’t have admitted the friends had been unfaithful if he too was but I have had trust issues from previous relationships and it has made me feel uneasy. I remember him on one night messaging me from the trip and telling me to remember how much he liked me and my paranoid brain thought it seemed like odd timing at that time but as I am prone to overthinking I don’t know if it is my issue. He swears nothing happened but all guys looked guilty when the trip was mentioned a few months previous. At the time I thought it was my over active imagination that they looked guilty but obviously not. He reckons he looked guilty because his friends wives were there and he knew what had happened on the trip. He is different to his friends in lots of ways and has other groups of friends who wouldn’t do this kind of thing. Will I ever know for sure.. should I just put my doubt aside?

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Unfortunately, you'll never know. This is something he is not going to admit to. You will have to see how things go. Just to be sure, get tested for STDs.

About 6 months into our relationship he went to Las Vegas with friends. He has since admitted that a few of the guys, some married were unfaithful. When I probed him on this he told me that they had used prostitutes. Will I ever know for sure.. should I just put my doubt aside?
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Yes that’s what i thought. Am I right in thinking that it’s unlikely he would have told me about his friends if he had done the same? He did tell me after that he didn’t enjoy the trip as much as other trips due to the drugs etc that people on it were taking. The prostitutes is something I naively never even thought about. I just remember thinking at the time the message he sent me out of the blue to reassure me the night he got there that he really liked me was a little odd? Am I overreading stuff now?!

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All I'm going to say is if you want to know who a man really is, look at the company he keeps. These are his friends and this is what they do and I doubt it's the first time.

 

You will never know if he did something on that trip that time around or not, but....telling yourself that he is soooo different from his friends is quite frankly foolish. We choose our friends by who we are deep down. He isn't different and I don't think you are being paranoid at all. What you are dealing with is your gut is ringing alarms and you are trying to rationalize them away because you like him.

 

Given the company he keeps, behind the nice man mask lives a different creature that is not all that nice, you just haven't seen that part yet.

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No if anything I am prone to being paranoid about these things so generally I don’t overlook stuff. I suppose I feel that someone is in a different mindset if they’re not drinking or taking drugs to the friends who were doing that. That sets them apart straight away. He had also told me after the trip that he spent a lot of time in the casinos when the drugs started. This was prior to me being suspicious at all. I think people can have childhood friends and be different to them. I have a female friend who would cheat on her husband but it’s not something I would ever do. Yes my heart is with this guy so I don’t want to believe it but of course I am still suspicious but I don’t think it’s as clear cut as u imply..

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I don't get drunk, I don't take drugs, I don't cheat - you know what else? None of my friend do any of these things either, ever. I don't keep company with people who don't align with my morals and values. Please wrap your head around that. It will help you a lot.

 

The thing about drugs especially is that most people have way too much to lose in life to hang around drug users...unless....they are themselves into it.

 

Let's say for a moment that he really doesn't do any of those things. Why would he keep friends like that around him and put his life at risk of arrest and jail time as accessory? He is a grown man, he knows the consequences. Only reason is that it props up his ego, makes him feel superior to the "scum" around him. That right there is also really bad news for you. That kind of hidden meanness will eventually come out and bite you in the rear. It still circles back to beneath the "nice man" mask lies a monster.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but....I'm not going to pretend that what he is doing is kosher. It's not and there is no way around that. Sane, normal, healthy people do not keep that kind of company and that's that.

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Wow thanks for your post. Your thinking is very black and white. I’ll leave it at that.. you’re entitled to your opinion 👍🏻

 

It's not my thinking as such, it's just life experience and the school of hard knocks.

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Yes but I know for a fact that most of what you said above is untrue. Drugs are definitely not on this guys agenda, nor were they on everyone’s agenda on the trip. For my own reasons I have no doubt about that. I also amnt so self righteous as to refer to people as “scum”.. Damaged yes but scum isn’t a word I’d use to describe another human being

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What's done is done. Put your doubt aside and observe your partner's actions more closely going forward.

 

Constructively, what he's done or not cannot be undone.

 

If you keep trying to dig up the past, you'll be missing for signs of what's going on in the present or what's before you right now so keep your eyes peeled and listen to your instincts from now onwards. Don't give in to self-doubt.

 

What to look out for are shifts in his support networks and his friendships and who he relates to overall. If you see changes that you can't relate to or aren't a part of your lifestyle, that's when it's time for you to re-evaluate whether it's time to break free and think for yourself/live for yourself.

 

You are not required to judge others harshly or pass rude judgment on whom they sleep with or what lifestyle they want to have. You do however owe it to yourself to either sidestep lifestyles and individuals that don't suit you and avoid them if they harm you.

 

I think you have a lot of self-doubt and that can also cloud your judgment. Heal yourself and start giving yourself ample time and space to bring in positive influences in your life. If you are experiencing trust issues or have difficulties trusting someone, that's a sign to me that you aren't ready to date. You have to trust yourself. A broken sense of trust means you're having trouble trusting your own instincts and trusting others. Start with yourself. It takes time.

 

Start repairing that trust and self-confidence that you don't feel you have right now. Focus on the present and stay alert. Listen to your instincts.

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I don't get drunk, I don't take drugs, I don't cheat - you know what else? None of my friend do any of these things either, ever. I don't keep company with people who don't align with my morals and values. Please wrap your head around that. It will help you a lot.

 

The thing about drugs especially is that most people have way too much to lose in life to hang around drug users...unless....they are themselves into it.

 

Let's say for a moment that he really doesn't do any of those things. Why would he keep friends like that around him and put his life at risk of arrest and jail time as accessory? He is a grown man, he knows the consequences. Only reason is that it props up his ego, makes him feel superior to the "scum" around him. That right there is also really bad news for you. That kind of hidden meanness will eventually come out and bite you in the rear. It still circles back to beneath the "nice man" mask lies a monster.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but....I'm not going to pretend that what he is doing is kosher. It's not and there is no way around that. Sane, normal, healthy people do not keep that kind of company and that's that.

 

My life experience matches the above.

 

It's foolish to claim to know anything about this guy "for a fact." You don't know any real facts about his (perceived lack of) drug use, alcohol use, prostitute use, any of those things. And he's not going to tell you if he partook in any of those things particularly the prostitutes. There's a reason these men are his friends because you don't hang around for long with people you have nothing in common with. What, this single man just sat in his hotel room while his (married) buddies sampled hookers? Chances are good if his friends did he did too, although it sounds great to tell you that he is so much better than his cheater friends. Yeah. Better be on alert around this guy.

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All I'm going to say is if you want to know who a man really is, look at the company he keeps. These are his friends and this is what they do and I doubt it's the first time.

 

You will never know if he did something on that trip that time around or not, but....telling yourself that he is soooo different from his friends is quite frankly foolish. We choose our friends by who we are deep down. He isn't different and I don't think you are being paranoid at all. What you are dealing with is your gut is ringing alarms and you are trying to rationalize them away because you like him.

 

Given the company he keeps, behind the nice man mask lives a different creature that is not all that nice, you just haven't seen that part yet.

 

So true....

 

Irina, are your girlfriends unfaithful when you all go out?

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Irina, pull your head out of the sand. I agree with the other posters regarding the friends. I, too, do not have friends who get drunk, do drugs or cheat on their partners. You need to wake up, as this behavior is acceptable for your bf.

 

If you don't believe that he was serviced by a hooker, then I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn.

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He may have told you about the other guys bc he had some guilt. Then he changed his mind and left his part out...

 

Its a liar's trick. they tell the truth up to a point. That way they dont have to remember any lies. And if at some point, you find out, he'll say, remember I told you they were are all doing coke and with hookers, but I wasnt! Why would I tell you if I was doing it, too, baby? I'm so hurt you don't trust me.

 

He may never admit to anything he did. And you'll never know. But you can use this as insight into him., who he surrounds himself with, as others have said. It can also be an opportunity for you to decide for yourself, if these are important people to him, why? If you believe him, then you do and if its a one time trip, that's different than the quarterly guys weekend away. birds of a feather flock together... remember that.

 

You said you're prone to overthinking and being paranoid.... the big problem with that, aside from the anxiety etc, is it causes you to not trust yourself and doubt your gut feelings.

 

That's what I'd start working on. Get yourself in a better state. You might be surprised at what "you just know" when you stop the over thinking and trust yourself. These kinds of problems dont happen...

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Yes it was a one off trip. He rang me multiple times and was sober all the time. That’s just who he is. I’ve seen it multiple times over the past year that while his friends are drunk etc he remains sober. His friends wives would always tell me I’m lucky that way and that he doesnt engage in that lifestyle. That part I have no doubt about. There were other guys on the trip not engaging in this stuff. Guys from my experience seem to be able to block out their friends indiscretions if they know them a long time easier than women. Also he is a much different person in every sense to these men, career wise, family wise etc. That’s never something I feared. I agree that often friends gravitate towards each other for a reason but I also feel thT childhood friends can have a different dynamic. As someone prone to overthinking believe me I’d have it well sussed long before if drugs and alcohol were something I needed to worry about. I agree that I have trust issues and yes it’s hard to trust yourself when prone to anxiety.. this is something I have been working on for years and continue to do so. We’re all human hey! The idea of some of the men using prostitues did really unsettle me .. I don’t know why I’m really posting on here.. I think due to being an anxious person I’m looking for some kind of certainty that infidelity never occurred.. I find it hard to trust I suppose

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Personally I don’t see any reason to blow up the relationship over anything you’ve written.

 

If you stay with him then you need to decide if it would be healthier to give him the benefit of the doubt, or to obsess and ruminate.

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6 months ago he went on a boys weekend in Vegas.

He should not have told you that some of his friends cheated on their partners because it was not his place to say or none of your business.

 

However he did. What was he to gain from that? Nothing except a paranoid girlfriend. So it seems.

 

I do however think he is a little self righteous. He doesn’t drink much or do drugs or hook up with prostitutes yet hangs out with people that do ALL weekend in Vegas. Why did he go? Was it a golfing weekend?

I’m genuinely asking. What was the desire to go , when really it was likely only ever going to be a booze fun filled weekend?

 

Most people are not friends with their childhood friends in adulthood unless they took the same or similar path.

They outgrow each other.

 

If they plan another weekend in Vegas in a few months time, would you be ok with him going?

If not why not?

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It's not about his friends drinking habits. It's about whether you believe and trust him. Only time will tell. In the meantime visit your doctor and get tested for STDs. Why not cover all the bases?

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Guys from my experience seem to be able to block out their friends indiscretions if they know them a long time easier than women.

 

I am amazed by this incredibly sexist comment. You don't seem to hold men up to a very high standard, and that's unfortunate for your future happiness. You will always choose low if you expect low.

 

I don’t know why I’m really posting on here.. I think due to being an anxious person I’m looking for some kind of certainty that infidelity never occurred.. I find it hard to trust I suppose

 

You're posting on here because you're actually worried about it (as you should be). Unfortunately, for some reason, you'd rather blame yourself than admit to common sense.

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When I go on vacation with someone, the point of going would be to enjoy the company of a friend while on the trip. If I'm sober and their drunk, it's annoying to hang out with someone in a different mental state. If they go off diddling with someone else, why did I even bother going with them? I could've taken a solo trip.

 

If I were you, I'd ask what enjoyment he got from being with these guys on the vacation. After that answer, I'd ask if he plans any further vacations with them. If he said "Yes" after telling you what they did the last time, he doesn't fear losing you as a gf, and in fact might have told you about their escapades to gauge your tolerance level, and to possibly protect himself in case you heard gossip about what went on from someone else.

 

If he's been a wonderful bf for a year and has the same dating and life goals as you, it sounds like you're not willing to dump him over this, so start living in the present and enjoy your time together with a wait and see attitude, going into the second year. Your relationship should be deepening and progressing to the next level.

 

However, if his guys nights out are out of balance and aren't conducive to a romance, and/or if he says he will in fact partake in future vacations with those unfaithful friends, if it were me, I'd get out of a relationship I can't be comfortable with before I invested anymore time.

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Was this a bachelor party trip? Have you met his friends and their wives? Do they seem like fools to you?

 

It sounds like he's still on "best behavior". That means stories like "everyone was drinking, drugging and hoing, but I was an angel".

My head is telling me that he wouldn’t have admitted the friends had been unfaithful if he too was but I have had trust issues from previous relationships and it has made me feel uneasy.
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You will only drive yourself insane of trying to figure out the unknown. Whether he did or didn't, this is something that'll probably never come to light if it did in fact happen. I can understand why you feel that way though because why would he want to hang out with people who have no respect for themselves or their marriages, maybe it says a lot about who he is. This isn't always the case. I've had friends who did the same. Cheated on their partners every waking moment. I was opposite of them. I'd never cheat, I couldn't. I valued myself way too much for it and at times I'd get upset with them for doing that and try to change them because of how others viewed me for hanging out with them. So, just because someone hangs out with crummy people doesn't make them crummy too. If you have no proof of something, it's best to let it go otherwise it will consume you and all you're doing is feeding yourself more negativity which will result in more trust issues and lower self esteem. Instead, feed yourself some positivity. Increase that type of energy and you will start to think more positive, act more positive, speak more positive..etc.

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Yes thank u Sarah. I think this is the best advice. He has a lot of self control and is very much his own person. This is partly what attracted Me to him. Initially I didn’t doubt much that he would do something like this as I I always felt he had his own mind and values but I have allowed myself stew on it which yes is making me feel worse about myself. The other guys got married young and he has often commented that their heads are easily turned by a bit of attention whereas he was single for years and Appreciates our relationship probably more so as a result. It was a bachelor party to those asking. He did tell me when he came home that he won’t be rushing to go back there but only mentioned the infidelity recently when probed. He said he was ashamed that I would think less of his friends and him as a result of their actions. I suppose I just need to see what happens but I feel he is a good man and I have never caught him out on lies before.

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Will I ever know for sure.. should I just put my doubt aside?

 

No, you will not.

 

That is the essence of trust, though - being able to believe what your partner tells you, and believing they will behave honorably when you're not around.

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